Starting.

This post is about a Facebook status i put up a minute or two ago. I thought I'd probably better expand on it a bit, and explain it a bit more.
This was what I wrote:

"PSA: From now on, peoples, unless you have something really important you *have* to talk to me about, it'd be great if you didn't start a conversation with me - make me have to do it :) Because I am really, terribly bad at it. :P So, hopefully, this will help with that."

 I wrote this because I realised - I can't remember exactly when - that I am terrible at starting things. Once I really have, I'm great at keeping on going with them, or finishing if I need to; I'm just shit at starting. And it's particularly evident in a social context, and it's the main reason (I think, at least) why I socially epic fail.

So the idea is that this will help me to actually start a bit more, start a few conversations. It's loosely based around the idea of operant conditioning in psychology; I'm specifically using positive reinforcement and negative punishment, here. (Basically, there's the four different types, used by combining either positive or negative with either reinforcement or punishment. If it's positive, you're adding something, negative, taking something away. Reinforcement increases said behaviour, punishment decreases.) So the negative punishment is people not talking to me if I don't start the conversation. Which is pretty darn effective for me, as long as it's done well. And the positive reinforcement is them talking to me if I do start it. Though, one point; I'm debating whether this is really much of a positive reinforcement, as it's something I'm used to anyway. So if anyone can think of a better positive reinforcer that people could give me (that would actually mean something fairly significant), then that would be fantastic.

I should probably (at least attempt) to explain the "why" behind this not starting thing. Well, I don't know about the general reason of it, but I think I can piece out why it's the case in a social situation. It's because of my too-good imagination.

That's going to sound weird. So I'll take you through the logic. Because I have an overactive imagination, I am ridiculously good at thinking up worst-case scenarios for pretty much any given situation. The scenarios are usually quite ridiculous in themselves, and are frequently so unlikely that it's ludicrous.

The thing is this: most usually, these scenarios involve estrangement from someone, losing a friendship. That's the problem. Because friendship, trust, is one of the things that is most important to me. It's something that I really, really don't want to lose. And so I feel uncomfortable about going into a situation where that's a possibility, even if that possibility is ridiculously low. To me, trust is paramount. I crave for it, I don't want to risk it. (By the way, if about now you're thinking this guy's pretty weird, well yeah. But a lot of this is fairly subconscious.)

And so I find myself in a situation where it's really difficult for me to start a conversation. Of course, this changes a bit depending on the situation; if I'm right next to someone, I'll probably say hey, how you doing, that sort of thing; but if I'm a bit further away, I probably won't come over and say hi, unless they're pretty good friends. Bit easier with groups. Lot harder with girls :P And a lot harder with people I don't know. So I'm not really the "tell the world about Jesus" type, I guess :P Pretty sure I've almost never told someone straight off that I'm a Christian, in fact, though I think a couple of times I've said that I go to church, that sort of thing. But anyway, I digress. I do that a lot :P

Anyway, so I think that's the why. And so hopefully, this plan should help me a bit with it. We'll see, I guess.