The Search and Desire for Intimacy.

So, this isn't something I'd typically post on. And keep close to my chest. But, I'm attempting to be more open, and get more of myself out there. Of course, then you can just go too far with that, so hopefully this won't be a case of the latter. Anyway. Rambling.

This post relates a bit into two recent posts I've done; one on core beliefs, and another on the Enneagram, and me as a 4. The primary important bit from the former is the core belief that I've identified in myself that "I am unloved, unwanted and uncared for. People think I am repulsive and don't want to talk to me, and definitely wouldn't touch me." (NB: Negative core belief, that I'm trying to get rid of. Read the full post to get more context.) From the latter, the important bit is actually something I didn't put in there so much. And that is that they have a great desire for intimacy; to be intimate with someone, and even just to be close to people in general. To have very close friendships and such.
And then these both relate in to a series that we've recently been doing in my Life Group (read: Bible study group) on the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't heard of them, essentially, there are 5 love languages, and everyone has different ways in which they primarily give, and primarily like to receive love. (Often the same, but not necessarily.) My top is Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch close behind.

I have a desire for intimacy; and that runs through all three of those points. As a 4, it's part of who I am; Physical Touch is the greatest form of intimacy, and Quality Time can be very intimate as well (and slightly less weird for some people); and the part of my core belief that says that people "definitely wouldn't touch me" relates directly back to that as well - I mean, that line starts off with the words "I am unloved." That's essentially saying that when nobody touches me, I feel unloved. Which is true for me, and that's only something I've begun to more consciously realise.
For example. I can't usually remember my dreams too well. There's only a couple that I can still remember. But one that always stands out, that I always remember, is just me and someone else hugging. I don't even know who they are; it's not a visual thing. I just feel it. A lot of the time, I feel like I could just hug someone and stay there. Just like that. Of course, that tends to make people feel uncomfortable. So it stays in my head. And I worry about people being uncomfortable a fair bit, so I often won't initiate a hug, even though most of the time (read: all of the time) I feel like one.

But that desire for intimacy has led to a search for that, in many different ways. And the problem is, when you go searching for intimacy, you find it. But not in a healthy way. And not in the way that you ever wanted it. Even when that search has been for intimacy in terms of relationships, being close with someone relationally - it hasn't worked out. Because when that's the goal - your priorities are off, skewed. My priorities were off. And that took me a while to figure out. Still trying to teach myself, to some degree. My heart still longs for intimacy, and as I've mentioned before, that means it attaches itself to someone. And that is hard, because I don't want it to just become this all over again. But I've already waxed lyrical about that, so I won't go down that path.

Thankfully, God's been coming in. Because even when other people are intimate with you, do love you in that way - that longing can very well still be there. Or that question can still be there - as to whether I am loved or not. And that's something that only God can really come in and answer, can really come in and change. And he's been doing that for me. In little bits and pieces. Incredible bits and pieces. And yes, physical touch. No, I didn't feel the hand of God on my shoulder or something. But he was using that love language of Physical Touch - interestingly, as well as the ones of Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. He was relating to me in ways that were significant to me, that I connected to and valued. And I think that's true for each different person - God will love you in a way that is unique and special to you. And that's incredible.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still have times when I would really love a hug. (Thankfully, my little sister and my mum are very huggy, but they're not always around.) There are times when I just want to reach out and touch someone. When I want someone to hold me, to just stay there with someone forever, and not worry about anything else. But in the midst of that, God sees me. God loves me. And I remember.