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Saturday, 16 May 2015

On Trusting Yourself.

So, tonight I was part of this event called Beauties At The Movies. It's essentially a woman's movie night our church does for the women in the community (not just us churchies), and we use it as a bit of a fundraiser for The Hub (which is our community pantry). It's a bit of a night to make the ladies feel special. So I'm there in my top hat, bow tie, suit jacket, vest and suspenders (though you can't see them because of the jacket and vest), and escort the ladies up the stairs as they come in. I also make all the sound and tech stuff work, but that's the important part :)

The movie that we watched tonight was called Mom's Night Out. It was a Christian movie, and one of the things that it really dwelled on was being enough, just in yourself. That as a mum, so often you can try to live up to some perfect standard that you think you have to reach, to try and be "good enough" - but the point of it was, God loves you, just as you are. And God made you, just as you are. So be you. Stop trying to be something more than you. Because you are enough.

I think that's an awesome message. But it actually got me thinking about quite a different idea, as my brain tends to do, in its own weird way. And maybe this is the guy equivalent, I don't know. Though being enough can certainly be a message for guys as well.

One thing I've always struggled with is trusting myself. I do not trust myself with much at all - and even that which I do trust myself with, I almost expect that I'm going to muck it up before long. And, to be honest, that's something that I still struggle with, even now. Even after Impart, after I've revolutionised my ideas of who I am, and who God is. I still find it hard to trust myself.

But here's the crazy thing, right. God does. He seems to trust me. A lot more than I do, pretty much all of the time. He trusts me with situations, people, things - that I probably never would. I might wish for them, hope for them - but I wouldn't trust myself with them. Particularly people. That's kind of a big one. Him trusting me with one of his sons or daughters. Especially the latter, being a guy and all. But he does trust me. And other people seem to as well, more and more. Which is kinda scary sometimes.

Because these are big, important, precious things. And when you see that, part of you says that you want it - but the other part says that you don't want to mess it up. You don't want to break it. And you don't want to risk it. You don't trust yourself. That's been me. But he is trusting me, with the big, important, precious things. And I get the feeling that's not going to change too soon.

And perhaps, if other people are saying they can trust me, and God is saying he can trust me - then maybe I can trust myself, too. And then - God only knows.

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