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Saturday, 15 July 2017

Feeling Like A Kid.

This is something that's been buzzing around my brain for a while now, but I haven't known quite how to nail it down properly. Hopefully I can express it well enough now, though.

Often, I feel like I'm still a kid. Like I'm still 12, or something. Though I should probably separate this from my usual thing where I say I feel like I'm 8 and 80 at the same time - though it might be related, but I think it's a different thing. I certainly don't feel 24, though. (Though what does 24 feel like, really?) I feel like I'm a little boy, just crying out for attention. And I'm not sure how to stop that.

Because on the one hand - I feel so alone, and lonely, most of the time. I don't have many people that I hang out with; one on a somewhat regular basis, and other random ones here and there somewhat sporadically. I don't really chat to people that often, and I'm not the type to just head down the bar/club on a Friday/Saturday night. Just no. I have people that I'd call close friends - but I don't know if anyone would call me a close friend. And so part of me cries out, trying to get people to come closer, to hear, to see.

But on the other hand - I feel like that pushes people away, rather than bringing them near. Because no-one wants to be near a 24-year-old that's acting like a 12-year-old. It's just weird, and embarrassing. And so I feel like I should stop - but then, won't I just be alone?

It's a vicious cycle. I feel alone, so I try to bring people closer, but that ends up pushing people away, so I feel even more alone, and feel even more pressure to try and bring people closer. And so it just feeds into itself, getting worse, and can I break that cycle? By just being myself? There isn't really anyone to be myself around. My family, sure, but they're along for the ride anyway. Just stop? But then, is anyone else actually going to put the effort into engaging with me? Most of the time, it seems like people don't put in that effort unless you put the same into them first - and even then, that's no guarantee. That's not the case with everyone, mind, and usually each person has a few people that they're willing to just give their time to - but I don't think that's ever me, really.

People are hard. Worth it, mind - but hard.

NB: Sorry if today's post is a bit ranty. Just been impacted by this sort of thing a fair bit lately, and had more time to dwell on it.

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