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Thursday, 14 December 2017

Seeing Everest.

One day, I would rather love to go and see Mount Everest. At least, to go to the Base Camp. That would be awesome. Part of me would love to go to the top, of course - but the rest of me reminds myself that rather a lot have died doing so. So perhaps not.

Looks rather pretty, though.
But I have my own Everest. It didn't start as big as that, but it grew pretty fast. I built it up. And kept building, and building....until it became what it is now. I'm talking about my idea of a relationship.

I didn't just put it on a pedestal. I fantasised about what being in a relationship might be like, thought about all the different things I might do or see with someone I was in a relationship with, what I might say to them. And the mountain just got bigger. But it was always on the other side of the world, well out of reach, and out of sight. I knew it was there, and I'd get there "one day". But not any time soon.

Recently, I had an experience where Everest suddenly became an awful lot closer. And it scared me. It scared me. And I ran. Nothing quite as dramatic as it sounds - but that's basically what it was.

The idea that this massive mountain that I had built, that I thought was somewhere far away, that I might never even reach for all I know, was suddenly right in front of me - was rather a lot to take in. Everest will do that to you, I guess.

You'd think that making a relationship work would be hard enough for me. But, of course, I have to go and make it harder....

I mentioned in a recent post that I struggle with the lie that I will never be in a romantic relationship. There is part of me that still believes that, at some level, and that's certainly part of the issue.

But I also think I need to start tearing down Everest.

Not because a relationship isn't great. And not because God doesn't want that experience to be amazing, and awesome. He does. But because, if I keep standing in the shadow of Everest, I'm not going to get anywhere. It's no wonder that I find it impossible. But if it's just one person - well, it's still hard, don't get me wrong. But I can work with that.

And when I find the right person, then we can start building together. Rather than me dropping Everest on them. I feel like that wouldn't be ideal. Yeah, let's not do that.

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