Not Working & Blinkers

The following was written a few weeks back, but I didn't want to post it in the middle of working on the play to demoralise the folks there, or distract from it. I haven't edited it since then, because it still represents fairly well where I'm at now, but I've added a few more comments at the end.

I'm feeling more....I don't want to use the word useless, but it's feeling a bit that way. 

I feel like I'm getting more lazy, less motivated, less sharp (in mind and body), more aloof, less good at keeping up with people and tasks, and just less able. More and more, things are piling up (both literally and figuratively - my room is more of a bomb site now than it's ever been) that haven't been done, things are getting put off, I'm actually finding it harder to get out of bed in the mornings (I'm a morning person, so it's usually pretty easy for me - but then, winter, so there's that), I'm having fairly frequent periods where I feel like I can't do anything, and none of it feels like it's getting better. 

Yeah, that sounds employable. 

I know that a good bunch of it is depression, and that a combination of seeing a good psychologist and getting the right medication will help. I'm just not sure what that means for me right in this season, while I'm still having to just deal with it. I've always been a bit distracted at work - I'm no workaholic by any stretch of the imagination, and I've never really had a job that I've been passionate about (though plenty of great workplaces and people to work with) - but in the bits and pieces I'm doing of work at the moment, that's even more the case. 

Add to that, the whole climate change/global warming bonanza making me feel like very little work has much point, when everything could be going belly-up before we know it. That doesn't really help the depression, either. The world falling apart around you never seems to lift the mood particularly well. 

I'm not sure what the answer is. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe it's just time. There are a few things here and there that I'm still invested in. My fiancée. The play. God. Friends. People. Music. ....I don't know if there's much else. Maybe that's enough. I guess we'll see.

Perhaps one of the things that's most difficult for me, though, is the feeling of always being in crisis mode. Emergency mode. I'm having to constantly deal with my emotional and mental state - but then also somehow find work in the middle of it, which gets me crazy stressed normally, let alone now (there really should be some sort of mental health payments for people who are finding it difficult to work - I know there are some, but the hoops you have to jump through feel like you wouldn't be able to jump through them if you actually weren't able to work) - and I feel like I'm living with blinkers on. Now, don't get me wrong, even at my best I don't tend to look ahead that far; I find it absurd when people say they have ideas about things five years, ten years ahead. I'm lucky if I can think one year ahead, my life changes that much.

But at the moment - it's almost always one day at a time. Living very much in the moment, in the right now. Which some people might say is a good thing, and it's certainly a way to live, but not to the degree that you're almost completely oblivious to plans that are coming up next week that you're supposed to have prepared for! It's quite.....difficult. Annoying. It's caught me out more than a few times in the last month or two, and meant that I've had several last-minute scrambles or situations I've gotten myself into. It's not good.

I'm trying to find a psychologist, but it's difficult to find one that isn't on the other side of the city, bulk bills, and doesn't have a waiting list of several weeks. The last time I checked in with the doctor, she suggested the possibility of bipolar, since the depression meds I've tried so far haven't worked (so far, I've tried a grand total of two). Apparently they don't have any affect if you have bipolar. I don't think I am; my moods can be a little erratic at times, but that's just because life is. I find it difficult to remove myself from the events that happen around me, and so I tend to adopt the emotions that I see. But I don't think I've had the massive upswings that you see in bipolar. I was just generally more of a happy, bouncy person before. And, a lot of the time, not so much now. I still have days, or moments when I'm like that. But it feels a lot more....fleeting.

I don't know. I'm hoping I'll be able to work through this in time, whatever it is. That it's only here for a season. I'm just not sure how long that season will be. And I'm not sure what to do while I'm in it.

The Crucible Diaries: Entry Four

Our opening weekend is done. It's been quite an experience, and we've now had about 250 people who have come and seen the show. The responses, so far, have been really good. Everyone takes something a little different from it - it's quite an intense and emotional experience, and so it is quite a lot for some people, and understandably so. But many people are really connecting to what is happening on stage, and really praising the performances of our actors, and the look and feel of the show. People love the stage, and the tree! If I haven't mentioned before - I can't recall whether I did or not - we've made an entire false stage out of wood that's raked (angled), which is something quite different. It was a bit of a monster effort, but it looks amazing. There's also this one big tree in the centre at the back, that's just incredible, and has this ethereal or spectral quality to it. And yeah, those tend to draw people's attention right away.

The weekend has certainly been tiring. It's a long show - close to three hours, including interval. Which means that we finish up at about 11pm on Friday and Saturday night - plus a bit of time for talking and packing up at the end. I had a bit of a sleep-in yesterday to catch up on sleep - I'm hoping that my body will be a bit more ready for it all by the time the next weekend comes around.

Because I'm not just sitting up the back of the theatre and watching with the audience. I'm actually up in the tech box above the audience, crafting a soundscape. I've got a little MIDI keyboard (courtesy of my housemate Josh) plugged in to my laptop and Ableton Live, which is all plugged in to the sound desk, and I perform - if that's the right word - the soundscape live as the drama unfolds. It's quite an experience. I'm using a number of different sounds for different times, and building it up and down as the tension changes. There are some things that I'm doing the same each time, or similarly - like counting up in semitones with John's attempt to list the ten commandments, or having particular leitmotifs for "witchcraft" happening - but there's a bit of improvisation as well. It's a balance of trying to craft an immersive experience, but also not overwhelming what's occurring onstage. Which is delicate sometimes, and I probably get it wrong in bits and pieces. What I'm able to hear up where I am is a little different to what people hear in different seats - so hopefully I'm not obscuring the lines on stage. I haven't heard any comments to that tune insofar, which is good.

But it's been really interesting seeing how this show has developed quite differently and uniquely. We have a raked stage; a live violinist; an ambient soundscape; we never close the curtain; we reveal the lights. There are a lot of things that are making this production just a little bit different from the norm - but perhaps that shouldn't be so surprising, given that it's me! But it's been great seeing the creativity that has been shown through the course of this show, and amazing being a part of that.

The Crucible Diaries: Entry Three

We open this Friday night.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy. When I started this project, I knew it was going to be hard, and ridiculous, and crazy, and that I was probably not going to be great at a lot of things. I didn't know that all of that was going to squish itself into the last few weeks before opening night. But, I guess, such is the way of things. It never rains, but it pours, right?

What I am very grateful for is that, though we've had many issues we've had to work through, we haven't lost a cast member. I suppose I should add a yet - there's still five days to go. Someone's bound to come down with something now.... but I've been really grateful to the cast and crew that I'm working with for their incredible patience with me as I stutter about trying to make this massive show work as a first-time director.

Thankfully, I've got a lot of help. And I've needed it! These last couple of weeks have been all hands on deck, and plenty of last-minute changes and fixes as we make sure that everything is working how it's supposed to. Is it all perfect? Nope. It can't be, and it won't be, with something this complex and with this many people involved. But it is incredible, and amazing, and powerful.

Today, I was asked what next. What show would I direct after this? And the thing is, I don't know if I would. The Crucible has been a passion project for me. It's a play that I've been passionate about for years, and fell in love with back when I encountered it in high school English about ten years ago now. I've been wanting to direct it and planning it out for about....three years I think now. There isn't another play, or musical, that I have that level of investment in. The amount of work that's required to put this on has been crazy, and I know that I haven't been doing as much as some directors do. I don't think I would have been able to get this far with this show if I didn't have this passion for the play that I do. So I don't know if there will be another play. At least, not for quite a while. I've got that musical that I've written still sitting around somewhere, if I pick it back up and try to straighten it out a bit. And there are a couple of other shows that have somewhat piqued my interest. But again - not for a while, I think. After all, I'm getting married next year! I'll be focussed elsewhere for a while.

But this, for me, has been enough for now. While I'll certainly be involved again in shows before too long - there are some crackers happening for the rest of the year, as well as next year - I won't be directing again for a good while yet. I think I'll only do it once in a blue moon; I don't have quite the right personality for it, I think. Good in some ways, but not in others.

I'm very proud and grateful to be a continuing part of this powerful show. We have nine performances, starting from this Friday, over three weekends; Friday and Saturday evenings at 8pm, and Saturday matinee at 2pm. It will be a longer show, so I'll recommend the matinee if you don't like having a later evening. It's not exactly the sort of thing you go to for a laugh and a fun night out - but if you like history, or emotion, or drama, or real stories, or characters with grit, or something a little out there - then this is for you. Don't miss it, because there hasn't been anything like this on stage for a while, and there won't be anything like it for a while yet. You can get tickets here. I hope to see you there.