Barriers.

I think I talk around this topic a fair bit, but I feel like writing this out. I guess maybe there's a reason I write about it so much....

There are a lot of things that I love to do. And that I'm good at doing. Like music; playing it, writing it, singing, that sort of thing. Speaking, I'm good at doing that - getting up in front of a crowd and presenting, even at basically no notice. Acting; plays, musicals, love 'em. I've done some screen work too, but it's really not the same. Writing - I mean, that's what I'm doing now. It's what I do with music, what I used to do with stories (I really can't remember the last time I wrote a story, it might have been back in uni), what I do sometimes with poetry, what I've tried a couple of times with theatre. I also love things like cooking, and languages, and board games, and hiking, and camping, and puzzles, and reading, and more, but I'm not quite as good at those things; or maybe they're a bit aside from the main point I'm making. Anyway.

Every now and then, I have brief moments where I'll get to do one or more of these things for people. Sometimes that's just sitting down to play a song to somebody; sometimes it's doing a Sydney Fringe show; sometimes that's getting up and doing a dramatic reading of something; sometimes it's doing an audition; sometimes it's people reading something I've written. And people will go, "hey, that's good!" Depending on the person, there might even be some surprise there, like, "where did that come from?" Sometimes it's more like, "we need to see more of this!" Either way, it's.....like, it's nice, of course. It's good to hear that people love it, and think I'm good at these things. But I've known that for a long time. These things are - they're what I was made to do. This is what brings me life, brings me joy. (I mean, not the only things; spending time with other people is a notable other thing that also does it, but I've talked about that in other places.) This is what I want to spend my time and energy on.

But, for multiple reasons, I don't. Or I can't.

Part of that is capitalism. All of these are things that it is very hard to get paid to do. You need to have been doing something for a long time, or know people, and also be very lucky. You need to be able to focus on this one thing with most of what you have. Spoilers, I'm ADHD, that's not happening. My brain just doesn't work that way.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write like crazy. I would be writing songs all the time, it felt like every other day. Some people might know that I've written over 250 songs. At least 200 of those are from just my time in uni and high school. But then; work happened. Most of my time, most of my energy, were out the door. I didn't have space to create with. I had become burnt out by the world; and that's been true to varying degrees for my entire working life, I think. The first year after uni, I wrote one song the whole year. It was about feeling like I was being crushed by the weight of the world, and the weight of work; Atlas.

And in this world, you can't just not work. Not if you want to be a part of the world. You want a roof over your head, you want to have food, to have water, to have electricity, a warm bed, clothes? Then get to work. How dare you think that those are basic rights, that should be free to all people..... If you can't get paid doing what you love, and you can't not get paid, it doesn't leave you with many options.

So yes. I would love to finish the queer faith musical I've been working on. I'd love to get Rainbow Religion out there more. I'd love to write the next show. I'd love to be performing more, be back on stage again, have more people hearing my music. But I'm tired. I'm burnt out. My brain isn't giving me ideas any more, most of the time. And even with what I do have, getting it out there is hard. I have to fight against burnout, I have to fight against being ADHD and autistic, I have to fight against the busyness of life. A lot of the time, I just don't have the energy for that. And so, nothing happens. I wish that wasn't true. But it is.

The other hard part about that, though - is that because I'm not doing these things as much, I'm getting drained even more. I'm losing energy faster. And I feel like the time that I have is wasted. Because I'm spending it doing other things, that feel like they don't really matter that much (read: work), rather than what I love to do and am good at doing. I have to try and not think about it too much, because it gets me feeling very depressed and hopeless and down and shitty and emotional very very quickly. It makes me literally feel like I'm wasting vast chunks of my time, just throwing it into a black hole; and that there's so much of my life that I just haven't lived. (Again, this is mainly me talking about work stuff; time with people is still great and good and helpful.) And yeah. That's hard. And I don't really know what I can do about it. But that's where I'm at. And where I've been at for a while.

Control.

Author's note: I actually wrote this post in early March 2020, but then COVID happened, and it felt like it wasn't the right time. So I put it on the shelf for a bit. And then I forgot about it, and only just found it again. I've edited the pronouns I use for God, but the rest I've left as is. I would probably phrase some of the later paragraphs slightly differently now? This feels a lot - happier and more certain - than I would typically be about things. But thought this was still worth sharing.

I'll also note that this idea isn't mine. I borrowed it from Wm. Paul Young, who talks through it in one of the chapters of his latest book, Lies We Believe About God. As with all his writing, it's challenging and controversial, but I recommend it.
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This is probably going to be slightly controversial - but at the same time, that's about normal for me.

God is in control.

That's what we hear. In songs, from the pulpit, in times of trouble and suffering, we are told, "Don't worry. God is in control."

I want to suggest that this is actually quite false. 

And by that, I don't mean that something or someone else even bigger is in control; nor do I mean that God has no power in the situations that we find ourselves in. Rather, it's a reflection on the nature of control, and the nature of God. So let's look at that, shall we? 

By control, we typically mean that someone, or something, has complete power in a situation - nothing happens without their say so, everything that happens has been okayed by them, they can do anything (within the given constraints). For instance, we might say that our boss has control over us at work, or that a teacher has control over us at school; in a less tangible way, we might say that our wallets or our phones have control over us at times.

It's important to note the difference between power and control. We often assume that the two are identical, or that one implies the other, but that's not always the case. Power is when somebody has the ability to do something in a given situation; however, they may choose to use or not use that power. But if control is not exercised, it is generally seen as being lost.

Now that we've had a look at what control (and power) is, let's look back at God, why they aren't in control, and why that's actually awesome. 

Now, I'm going to assume three things about God. You may disagree with these, but for the purposes of this argument, I'll be using them. 

Firstly, that God is essentially and fundamentally good. That they are, in fact, the origin of good. 

Secondly, that they are all-powerful. In any situation, they have the ability to do all things (barring weird anomalies like making a rock they can't lift); but again, may choose not to exercise this power at their discretion.

Thirdly, that we have been created, in their image, to be in relationship with them; yet they let us choose this freely, rather than making us robots or puppets.

Now, let us think for a moment about what a God that is in complete control would look like. 

They have created the universe, and everything in it, according to their plan. They set the stars and planets in motion, manifest gravity, light, magnetism, time, all in perfect synchronicity. And then....they make people. 

"No! You're not supposed to do that, you were meant to go the other way!" "You idiot! How could you miss that perfectly obvious sign to go and work in Africa?!" "Why do people keep making the wrong choices? I wrote it all down in a book for them!"

Hopefully you get the idea. We can't hold the ideas of a good God, a God who gives us free will, and a God in complete control, all together. We can lose the first, and have a God that is constantly angry and annoyed at their creation (though some might be forgiven for thinking this was true, from some portions of the Old Testament); we can lose the second, and believe that we're actually all robots or puppets (which some Christians do seem to believe); or we can lose the third, which brings us to a different and new understanding of who God is. 

A God who is powerful....without being controlling. 

I think our difficulty comes from the fact that we so often associate control with power. We assume that if someone has total power, then they must also have total control. Because that's what we see on earth, and what we often do. We assume the negative; absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

But if we assume this, then we forget that God is good. Completely, totally, good. Not just sometimes or a little bit, but always and completely. And so they have no desire to be in control. They have complete power; but because they have created us, and want to be in relationship with us, they don't use that over us.

You can't be in a relationship with someone that you have control over. Some would say that you can't be in relationship with someone that you have power over, either; but you can. If you choose not to use that power in that relationship, without the permission of the other person. 

And so, this is what God does. And this is what we saw Jesus doing. He didn't try and remove himself from the chaos and mess of society; on the contrary, he immersed himself in it. He would share food and drink with "sinners". He sat with the lost and the broken. And when others came against him, he didn't strive to be the loudest voice (though he could if he wanted to) - he was gentle, submissive, loving. He did not come to be served, but to serve....

But, you say. What about when I'm in a bad situation? What about when I'm suffering? Can't God help me? If they're not in control, what can they do? 

Never make the mistake of thinking "not in control" means "not powerful". God can help you in your situation, and it's what they love to do. Whatever your situation is, they are with you in it, and able to help you in ways that you cannot fathom or imagine - because they are powerful, and good, and they love you. Not because they are in control. But at the same time, just because they are powerful, doesn't mean they will do exactly what you want them to do. God is many things, but a wish fairy is not one of them. Neither are they Santa. 

They work in all situations, but often not in ways we expect, or even understand, potentially until much later.

But why is this so important? You might ask. Why is this so good? Well, if we have a God who is completely in control; then that means they are responsible for everything that comes our way. Not just the blessings, the joy, the good things - but also the bad as well. If God is in control, then you have to believe that God either lets it all happen, or even caused it to happen themselves. That's rather difficult (or impossible) to reconcile with a God who is good. And so many Christians are left believing that God is either not as good as they thought - or that all the terrible things that they are experiencing are actually, somehow, good things, and they just can't see it yet. 

But that's a load of trash. God is good. And things in life can be bad - sometimes really bad. The fact that God can make something good out of it doesn't make the original thing good; in fact, it can often highlight just how bad it was. The cross is a classic example. It was a horrific Roman torture device, and one of the worst and most painful ways to die. Yet, through the sacrifice of Jesus, it has also come to be known as a symbol of love, new life, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. That's pretty impressive. 

So, to sum up - God isn't in control. But that's actually a great thing. Because it means that they are good, and that they choose to be in relationship with us, despite our mess of choices. And I think that's rather incredible. 

The Oceans Phenomenon

If you were in a contemporary church in the mid-2010s (and possibly even if you were in a different sort of church), you probably heard the song Oceans by Hillsong. Probably many, many times. It spent a record number of weeks at the top of the Christian music charts, and kept that record going until 2019 (where it was broken by Lauren Daigle’s You Say, another song that you may know quite well even if you don’t go to church, with how much it was played on various radio stations). But why was it so popular? Why did it strike a chord with so many people, for so long? Why do I still recognise that song immediately, after strumming the opening chords today?

I mean, part of the answer to this is reach. Hillsong is a megachurch with 80 locations, and about 150,000 members worldwide, 43,000 in Australia. That’s regular attenders, though, so how many are at a church on a given weekend is probably a bit higher. When you have that sort of reach and global brand behind you, not to mention the history of the church (which was founded nearly forty years ago), it gives what you do a bit more weight. And Hillsong does music.

Now, those numbers might seem small to you, compared to numbers for things like the Anglican Church (over a hundred million) or the Catholic Church (over a billion) - but keep in mind, those have been around for much much longer (hundreds of years), and are also much larger denominations comprised of smaller sub-denominations, each with different churches. This is one church, with multiple locations. It could probably count as it’s own denomination? I’m not sure if they would think of themselves as part of a larger denomination or not (beyond Protestant), but yeah, this is a different scale we’re talking about here. And though its power these days may be fading (for various reasons, but notably in part because of the founder’s unethical conduct with a couple of women), ten years ago it was very much still in its prime. And this song is a representation of that. 

Perhaps the larger part of it, though, and what I want to focus on, is what this song is about. Because there’s a lot in here. There are themes of the unknown, failure and trouble, vulnerability and trust, rest and care.

When you've grown up with Christian worship songs, you start to notice some familiar themes. There's the "our God is the best" songs; the "thanks Jesus for dying" songs; and the "God makes us so strong" songs. There are some outliers, of course, but if you look at most of the well-known worship songs in mainstream churches, they generally fit into one or more of these three. (Perhaps with a side-theme of "we're such terrible sinners, but you saved us", typically in that second category.) The feel should either be triumphant and strong, or leave you feeling broken and weak, possibly both. (Again, yes, I am making sweeping generalisations.)

This song did something rather different, though. It didn't really fall into any of those categories that well. It was a song for people that felt scared, tired, broken, unsure, hurt; it left you feeling warm and cared for, amongst the chaos that life so often is. And the imagery that the song used was both powerful and relatable, particularly when you probably knew that story of Peter and Jesus walking on water; you could imagine yourself on that ocean, seeing the waves rising above you, and it felt like all the things that you were facing in life. But the song encouraged you to step out on to the water, to trust, to go deeper, to have faith; to rest in God's embrace. The words used are both exciting and reassuring, scary and affirming. And it was personal - written and sung from the first-person, me, I, this is what I'm going through and this what I'm feeling and this is what I'm going to do.

I think particularly when it feels like many churches can fall too easily into performative faith, and acting like things are okay, and aren't we all so holy and perfect - this song felt like a breath of fresh air to many people. It moved people in deep and powerful ways, connected to them on a level that maybe they didn't even understand. Music can reach people in ways that I think we still only guess at; and this song obviously did that, with how popular it was, and how long it lasted.

Of course, that doesn't mean there's not issues with the song, and there are probably people that would hate to hear it now, because of how much it got played before! Popularity can be a curse. But that's not the point of this post; the point was to look at and try and understand why this song became what it did. Hopefully, we've unlocked a little of that here.

On religious trauma, cycles of shame, and changing the narrative.

This one is probably going to ruffle a few feathers. But hey, I’m not going to start worrying about that now….

Trauma is a big word, and not one that I use lightly. At the same time - I am not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a trauma expert, and I am not in any way qualified to say what is actually trauma proper, as such. I haven't had an expert go, "yes, this is trauma". It's just me using a word for something that has scarred me significantly, in ways that I'm only starting to really understand properly. I'm not trying to detract from the experiences of other people who have trauma, or compare my experience to theirs. That's never helpful anyway.

With those caveats out of the way; let me tell you a story. In many senses, this is a story that I have told many times before, including here on this blog (you can go and search for those if you like, I haven’t taken them down; but I feel like linking to them directly would detract from this story I’m telling now). I've just told it very differently before, and focussed on a rather different aspect of things than what I do now. Before - it was a story about porn, and "addiction". Now - it's a story about trauma, and systems. We have a lot of systems these days that are meant to support us, but tend to end up failing us; this story, perhaps unsurprisingly, is about the church.

I grew up in the church, and in a Christian family; it was basically all I knew. Within the church, there are a lot of expectations - some of these are explicit, like "you should be supporting the church financially." Some are implicit, like "we don't say that queer people aren't welcome here, but you're going to feel rather uncomfortable." And these will be somewhat different from church to church, denomination to denomination.

But one of the expectations that is fairly common to most Christian churches and denominations - whether explicit or implicit - is no sex before marriage. Along with that typically comes the expectations of not looking at porn or fantasising about sex, and often no masturbation (though that may depend on the church/denomination). These are depicted as sinful and wrong, and depending on the church may be preached on regularly, particularly to teenage/young adult congregations, with ideas like "saving yourself for marriage" and "staying pure" and "true love waits" being rampant. The epitome of this is in what is commonly known as "purity culture", most commonly seen in America, but certainly having some influence here in Australia as well. It often includes things like teaching girls to dress more modestly so that boys won't "fall into temptation" and the like. Hopefully, dear reader, we are already seeing why this may be problematic.

Now, imagine you are a teenager in this world. Hormones are starting to rage, you're starting to notice that people are rather attractive in different ways than you noticed before, and parts of your body are.....leaking. There's rather a lot of pent-up sexual energy happening, and in this system, there is no way to healthily release that which is considered okay. (We also have this issue to some degree in the larger world, with the awkward period between when people start to get horny and when they can do something about that [with other people anyway], but we seem to somewhat ignore this? I dunno.) You're supposed to ignore it, suppress it, "pray it away". Maybe try distracting yourself with other things, or use the energy on exercise or something like that. But if that's not working, and you are still a very horny teenager - what do you do?

I started looking at porn. And rather quickly, I fell into a bit of a cycle. Look at porn -> feel shit about myself for looking at porn because I was told it was wrong -> sit in shame and the like for a while -> get horny again -> repeat. I started to look at porn more and more frequently, and at the time, started to see this as an addiction cycle. But it was a shame cycle. One that escalated into self-loathing and self-hatred, because this was clearly a horrible terrible thing that I was doing, and it was my terrible secret, and I was definitely a sick and twisted person for doing these horrible things.

The strange thing about this was, for a good amount of time, nobody knew about this. Nobody else was looking at what I was doing and telling me these things. I was looking at what I was doing, and because of what I felt the system that I was in would say, I was judging myself. I was my own judge, jury, and torturer. And I feel like I really did torture myself for it. I thought that I was the scum of the earth, and made sure that I felt like it. And - perhaps the most important thing - I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. That this was the correct and reasonable response expected of me by the system I was in, and anything less would be wrong. But - I was able to break out of that cycle. And that didn't happen by not looking at porn any more. (Shocking spoiler: I still look at porn.) It happened through connection.

There was a point where I broke the silence. Where I started to tell people, little by little, what had been happening. And as things went on, I started to discover a remarkable thing - that I wasn't the only one who had felt like this, and that I wasn't actually a horrible and terrible person. That people didn't stop caring about me and loving me, even though they knew this dirty secret. So I started to believe that too. That actually, what I've done, or even am still doing, doesn't really change how loved I am, or how worthy I am of love. And that that's true for everyone. Now, that was a cool and good thing to learn, and something that I am grateful for from that time.

Fast forward a bit to now - and this whole saga got a bit reframed, thanks to deconstruction. The traditional Christian world has a bit of a habit of demonising sex and everything to do with it; but stepping outside of that world, it's easier now to see a clearer picture. I did a comprehensive breakdown of talking about sex in various contexts in my post about polyamory and Christianity, so I won't repeat that here; suffice it to say, I don't think that sex outside of marriage is sinful any more. In fact, there are many times when sex inside of marriage can be sinful, where there's a lack of consent, where there is abuse; the focus needs to be on informed and clear consent, rather than on "are these people married?"

In terms of pornography, are there issues with it? Sure. But there are issues with a lot of things. Just because there's porn that objectifies women, or is unethical, doesn't mean that all porn is like that. There are a lot of ways that meat is produced that are now seen as unethical, but for many people, that doesn't mean they stop eating meat. Perhaps they change the sort of meat they eat, and buy ethically; or some may avoid meat entirely, and that's okay too. So yes, there are issues with porn, and it's important to address those or take steps to avoid those; but I'll leave other people to focus on that for now, because that's not the thrust of what I'm talking about here. What about porn addiction, you say? Well.....what about it? Let's look at what we mean when we're talking about addiction. We're talking about a repeated habit, either to do with a substance or an activity, that is compulsive, unhealthy, and if stopped typically causes some level of psychological damage to the individual. Was it something I was doing a lot? Yes. Was it unhealthy - affecting things like school, or work, or my own physical, emotional, psychological, or financial health? Well, it didn't affect school, or uni, or work. And what affected my health wasn't looking at porn - it was the shame, self-loathing, and self-hatred, brought on by the system that I was in. The issue here isn't porn. It's the system.

And because of this system, there's so many things that don't get talked about, and education that doesn't happen, or happens badly (like abstinence-only sex ed talks). It also means that sex work, and sex workers, can be demonised as well, or seen as victims and powerless - and while there are people that fall into the cracks because they feel like they're out of options, or are coerced into it, again, this is not representative of all sex workers. One of the things I've been grateful for as I've moved more outside of conventional Christian spaces is meeting many people that just don't exist in that space; and some of those have been people who do, or have done (in various capacities) sex work. And, surprise surprise, they are lovely and wonderful people, not unlike the other people that I've met in life. And their work is no less valid or important, just because it involves sex.

The traditional church has many issues. But perhaps one of the more pervasive, and that has affected our modern world the most, is the attitude towards sex and sexuality. It's a battle that's been fought for quite some time now, and I don't know if we can really say that anyone has won. But a lot of people have lost. And continue to lose. I wonder how many other teenagers are out there who were in a similar position to me; trapped by the system that they're in, with no healthy way out that they know. Stuck in a vicious cycle of shame, because their world has said that these things aren't okay, that this is wrong, and you should feel bad about this. I hope for a better world. I hope for a healthier world, where we can have open conversations about things, and stuff doesn't have to be scary just because it's different. I hope for a safer world, where people don't have to be afraid to talk about what they've done, or who they are, or what they like.

But it feels like that world is still a long way away. So, for now, we find our little communities. We find our pockets of safety, of peace, where things make sense. We try to speak out against the hurt. We heal those that have been wounded and scarred. We give refuge and sanctuary to those who need it. We try to change the system, where we can. And we live as best we can, in a world that is still rather crazy in so many ways.

There’s probably more that I could try to say; and there are probably things that I haven’t addressed, on both sides of things. But perhaps this is enough for now. 

Turning 30.

Today, I’m turning thirty. Since we use a base ten numbering system, that feels significant to people. It isn’t really, but it feels that way. I thought what might be interesting, though, is looking at a decade ago - 2012, turning twenty, and the difference between then and now. 

I was still writing this blog back then. I went back and checked. I don’t think I’d been doing it for that long, though. It was my last year at university, studying a Bachelor of Music at the Kingswood campus of Western Sydney Uni. I was still living at home, and working at a local Italian restaurant called Luigi’s. Next year I would start up a job leading camps and Duke of Edinburgh expeditions, but I didn’t know I’d gotten the job until December. I’m not sure if I’d even done the interview at this point. I was a regular at the evening church that I’d grown up in at Campbelltown, often on the music team, or sound and tech. From memory, I was also head over heels for someone - but that was true of me most of the time then. (It didn’t work out, dear reader, but in a fun new way. That wasn’t until next year, though. Maybe even early 2014? Not sure, time is wibbly-wobbly.) 

Back then, I was churning out music at the rate of knots. There was a couple of times I’d do songwriting challenges, to test myself, and stretch the brain a bit, so to speak. Maybe I should do that sort of thing again. It’s harder when you don’t have the same amount of time that you used to. I was driving around in an old metallic green Volvo that my grandpa had bought and fixed up - we used to call it the tank. I had so many people that I was connecting to at uni - both through my course, and also through the Christian group there - and I was really having the time of my life. I loved uni so much. But that was all wrapping up, and a new season was starting. A season of work. 

I think since uni finished, there’s been - maybe two? - people from there who I’ve connected with on some regular or repeated level at some point. But honestly, that’s fairly standard of most of the different seasons of life for me. I don’t really stay connected to people that well. I care about them a lot, and miss them when they’re gone - but tend to only look at photos on Facebook they put up, wish people happy birthday now and then, bump into someone once in a blue moon. I’m not good at staying connected to people, or taking initiative with that. It’s something I want to get better at, particularly because I know one-on-one connection is something that I really crave and that energises and rejuvenates me.

But work has probably changed things in a bigger way for me. Before then, my life revolved around learning, in various ways. Work had started to come along, but it was ancillary, a bit on the side. Suddenly, it became the focus, that everything else warped around, that gobbled up most of my time. And it has repeatedly, and routinely, burnt me out. There’s only one job since then which I’ve lasted in for more than two years; and I was only doing that job for one day a week. I haven’t been fired from a job (yet, and very surprisingly with a couple of them), but many jobs I’ve had to leave because of burn out.  And that’s not really something that I’ve ever solved. I’ve never found a job that hasn’t drained in me in one way or another. 

I think the closest I found to that was actually the job that I would end up doing next year - leading camps, and Duke of Ed trips. I was regularly outside and active, interacting with small groups in intentional ways, building relationships and learning new skills, meeting great people and having a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, the flip side to it was that you’re doing camps. You’re doing multi-day trips. So you’re regularly away from home for multiple days and nights in a row, in ways that aren’t consistent. So I wasn’t really able to commit to anything regular, and I had very little time outside of work. Particularly for someone who really enjoys creative projects and such, that was really difficult, and didn’t end up being sustainable.

I don’t know if there’s a happy medium somewhere, maybe there is. You would hope so. 

Thirty is a strange milestone. It feels very adult. Twenty you’re kinda just starting out, just getting into things. But now, you’ve been doing things a while, you should be getting the hang of things, settling into a rhythm, something like that. Of course, life is always a bit more complicated - and being neurodivergent, the standard narrative never fits particularly well. 

I feel like there are some pretty amazing things that I’ve been able to accomplish and do in the time that I’ve had so far, for sure. I’ve written and created a lot, connected to a bunch of people, done talks and plays and musicals and more; had moments of recognition now and then. But it would be easy for me to see the flip side to that as well - there are so many projects left unfinished, so many songs and stories that haven’t been heard or shared with others, so many ideas that haven’t seen the light of day. I’m learning, though, slowly, that we can only do so much with the time that we have. There will always be more we want to fit in life than we are able to. And even if there are times where much of what we do feels wasted, or worthless - perhaps they are bringing value to others. Or perhaps that is a sign to change what you are doing. I’m still learning, and there are many answers I don’t have. 

Over this year, there’s been a lot of up and down. Particularly down. I’ve had many moments and seasons of depression and hopelessness, where I’ve seen little point to living. I am grateful that I am not there now; that I am able to get through the days with a little more energy and focus. Meds probably helps; but people have also been a big help, as is often the case. I have many beautiful and amazing people around me that give me reasons to keep living, and looking forward to another day, to the future. Even in the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself getting better. And I’m grateful for all that the people around me give. I seem to say the same thing year after year, but it continues being true - I am here largely because of the people around me, and the hope, joy, and love they bring. So to each and every one of you, thank you. You have helped me to thirty. You have helped me to here, and now; you have given me life. 

Trans Day Of Remembrance.

Yesterday, the 20th of November, was Trans Day of Remembrance. For those who aren’t familiar with it - it’s a day that is set aside to remember trans people that have died in the past year as a result of transphobia and discrimination. On one website I checked, in the last year 375 trans and gender-diverse people were killed in the last twelve months. That’s more than one each day. In the previous year, it was over 4000 people. 

We might feel like we live in a modern and more accepting world, but unfortunately for many people that’s really not the case. In many countries around the world, there are laws actively making living life as a trans person unsafe, in many different ways. There are still countries where it’s illegal to be trans, or where there aren’t legal options in the country to change your gender. Even in countries that are more “free”, trans people regularly face opposition, fear, hatred, and violence from the systems of the country that we are in, the communities that we interact with, and the people around us.

For many trans people around the world, it is still dangerous to live as themselves. To live openly as trans. I’m grateful that I live in a country and in communities where I don’t have to worry too much. Things can be annoying, and difficult, or expensive, or awkward - but so far they haven’t been dangerous. I know that’s not the case for other trans people here, though, and I’m sure that things like white privilege and being still seen as male (even though I’m non-binary) contribute to that. 

So I am asking you to be kind. Trans people go through a lot of shit in this world, and the less we need to take that from the people around us, the better. You may not get it; you may not understand why; and that’s okay. That’s not the point. The point is that we deserve to live a life that is safe. As ourselves. As we all do. So please - be kind. And stand up for, stand beside, stand with, trans people. Remember those that have been lost. And let us hope that things get better. Because on so many days - too many days - there is just more tragedy, and more grief, and more death. Even now, we are mourning the loss of beautiful souls in Colorado Springs. But we go on. We live. And we remember.

On Projects, Time, Neurodiversity, Capitalism, and Money

A while back, I did a post talking about some projects that I was working on. I thought I might do something similar, because it's something I've been particularly noticing lately.

The main thing I'm pouring a bunch of time into at the moment is a campaign that I'm running using a system called Relics, made by a friend of mine, which has been good fun. TL;DR on the system is each player is an angel disguised as a human in the modern world, and God and heaven are both shut off, and they have to figure out what the heck they're doing. I'm doing a fair bit of writing for it, and I've never run a campaign before, so figuring a lot out! Haven't done much story writing in a long time, so I'm remembering all of that again and the various difficulties or things that came with that. But then there's also improv and such that I need to account for.....I am at best okay at some sorts of improv, but I'm not great 😅 so we'll see how that goes.

The main thing I'd like to be doing is getting my Fringe show, Rainbow Religion, out there again. I was able to do two performances - which is twice as many as I was expecting to do - but it still feels like it could get out to more people. I do have it available to watch online, which is great, but I'd love to see if I can perform it again in more places and such. But that probably means a bit of money investment, or just doing it for some queer churches potentially.

Another project I've thought of is doing an a cappella medley from Bo Burnham's Inside, with all of the songs. My thought was to start off doing one with just the four Bezos songs, as a smaller one to get into it, and then doing the rest. But first I need to figure out exactly how to mash them all together, and then arrange all the different sections for the different voices (probably doing four voices?), and then record it, and hopefully do a video for it too. Which is a lot, and I haven't really even started. Each time I play it in the car, I start singing some of the different parts and hearing how it will sound in my head, and having a good idea of which sections I'd use from each of the songs, but I still need to actually put it together.

Kinda a project, kinda not - got a talk that I'm doing at my church in a couple of weeks, so I've been spending bits of time working on that. It's been a long time since I've done a "sermon" as such (I did a talk about neurodiversity a little while back, but that felt somewhat different to a sermon), and doing it post-deconstruction/reconstruction feels very different. We'll see how that comes together, I think it's mostly done.

I also wrote another song for my musical about queer faith the other day. It's a project that I got the idea from near the end of last year, had a flurry of energy around and doing bits for, then haven't touched for most of this year. But I'm hoping that at some point it will get finished and see the light of day. Thinking about perhaps trying to look into grants or artist-in-residence type things I could apply for to help me with it. I just need a bit more motivation, and really some other people to help me make it happen. Making a musical is a big job.

Then there's a company that I'm going to be helping put a podcast together. Probably can't talk about that too much right now, but it's going to be interesting. I don't really listen to podcasts - I watch a couple - so I feel like I'm probably not going to be able to contribute much in terms of what it should look like. But we'll see how we go!

Then I also have a whole bunch of projects that are just on the backburner now, and have been for various lengths of time. Like the language I was creating, or my old musical, or multiple albums I've written, or board games I was making, and more besides.

Part of that is thanks to neurodiversity, particularly ADHD. It means that my brain wants to do a whole bunch of different things, and also do them all at once, rather than focus on one thing (also because of how it interacts with autism). But it's also because of a lack of time, and energy. Which is because of things like work. Which is because of things like capitalism. Y'know. Needing money to survive and all that, needing to work to survive. Which is shitty. And feels like it shouldn't be the case in an abundant world? But still very much is. And that's hard - knowing that there's so many ideas that my brain has, and so much I could do, and most of it I won't be able to do. Most of that potential won't be filled, because the vast majority of my time and energy has to get poured into survival. And I rather hate that. But I also don't know how to change that, bar miracles happening.

Of course, folks are always welcome to support me financially - I have a Patreon that people can contribute to with small amounts on a regular basis if they feel able to, but most of the folks I know probably aren't. But yeah. Being able to live in the world and actually do what you're good at, and put more of your time and energy into that, would be rather nice.

Reflections on The Boy From Oz.

Image credit: Angela Cascarino

Over the last several months, I've been involved in Campbelltown Theatre Group's production of The Boy From Oz. Yesterday was our final show, so I thought that I'd take some time to reflect a little on the experience. This has been an incredible show, and a gargantuan effort from so many people. We've had an incredible amount of talent, both on stage and off, and it's been reflected in the feedback that we've been receiving, and the number of tickets selling (most of the shows sold out)!

For myself, it's been a joy and a privilege to be a part of; but also a lot of work. Campbelltown isn't as close as it used to be, so making a two-hour round trip a couple of times a week for rehearsals has been rough. And just in terms of energy, and how I've been going emotionally and mentally, the last several months have been pretty all over the place. So I haven't been able to put as much into this show as I would have liked to. It's probably a blessing in disguise that I was mostly chorus.

But being able to be in a show again with so many old friends has been really amazing. Many of the cast and crew are people I've done a number of shows with before, all the way back to ten years ago, my first show with CTG. It's been good being able to see them again, and spend time with them, and just the support from them all has been amazing. They've all been pretty good with name and pronouns, even with me changing name fairly late in the production - and it was really affirming and encouraging for me to have that.

It's also been lovely being part of a show that's just so fun and colourful. For those of you who don't know the show, it's about the life of Peter Allen - an Australian singer/songwriter, pianist, dancer, bisexual, queer guy, and rather fabulous (remind you of anyone?). He's done a couple of songs you might have heard of, like I Still Call Australia Home, and I Go To Rio. And there's a few familiar faces on stage, like Judy Garland, her daughter Liza Minnelli, and even a brief appearance from a young Brian Henderson (played by yours truly). So the show was a lot of fun, and rather fabulous, and the music was great. So many fun dances and costumes, and people looking and sounding amazing.

It's been a while since I've done a musical - the last one was Spamalot, back in 2015, seven years ago now. (Yes, for those who were in it, it was that long ago!) I mostly do plays. But it was good getting back into singing and dancing on stage, and I hope that I have the occasion to do it again. Hopefully next time, a little bit closer to home 😅 Though that also means making new connections at a new theatre. We'll see how we go. First, rest, I think. Rest is good.

Spiralling.

One day, maybe I'll get to write some posts about other things than mental health....but not today. 

Yesterday, at the shops, I had an anxiety attack. Which was new to me. I'll often get anxiety at the shops (I'm not sure what from exactly, I've had it for years now), but this was more intense, and resulted in some quite obvious stimming to try and calm down. Those who know me well might be surprised that I actually have stims. I've been a bit more free with expressing them over recent years, but they're usually happy stims. I've rarely had anxious ones. 

But these were. I was repeatedly grabbing onto my left arm with my other hand, and repeating that motion for probably about half the time that I was at the shops. Mentally, and emotionally, I was not in a good place. And as I mentioned in a previous post, I haven't really been in a good place for a while. 

There's part of me that thinks I should probably be in mental hospital at the moment. That I should have been there months ago. Most of my energy these days is poured into keeping me together. What does that mean? Kinda a lot of things. It means not letting the various fears and anxieties I have take over. It means trying to do simple things like keep myself fed, and watered, and rested. It means getting myself out of bed for work. It means working up the willpower to actually go to work. It means trying not to dwell too much in negative emotion, and not let things spiral into feeling suicidal, giving up on life. Some little things, some big things.

But I keep getting more and more burnt out by life, and by work. And it keeps draining more and more energy. Which means I have less and less ability to hold shit together. That's meant a lot more forgetting things, and head empty moments. A lot more needing to just rest. A lot more needing to just do things halfway, or not at all. A lot more times of feeling depressed. And now, things like the anxiety attack showing up, and anxious stims.

Many days, I find it harder and harder to find reasons to keep going with life. It feels absurdly difficult. Like I'm living on challenge mode, and it just gets harder as you go. I am still finding joys amongst everything, and they help - but they've become a brief and fleeting respite from the normal fare.

Going to go bigger now, and talk beyond me for a bit. 

In a world of abundance like we have today, with access to so many resources - this shouldn't be happening. People shouldn't have to choose between financial stability and mental, emotional, and physical health. But so many do, every single day. In countries that are supposedly rich, and wealthy. That's not even getting to the state of things in poorer countries.

We need to get better at looking after people, on a structural and systematic level. Personal level is great too, like, look out for the people around you, great. But these systems need to change. Because they're slowly killing so many people, who can't see any way out.

The other week I felt like I was coming out of it. I was like, "Wow, I'm feeling great! I'm feeling really happy and laughing and positive and everything! I can't remember the last time I felt like this!" I think it lasted maybe a day before that started to fade. I've been in survival mode for a very long time now. I would rather like not to be.

I don't have a neat bow to this. Don't know if there are any.

Contemplating Commendations.....

I can't resist a good alliteration, y'all. It was this or Reflecting On Rainbows.

It's now been almost a week since my Fringe show came to a close. It feels strange now for it to be done. I put the application in so many months ago, thought I might only get one show, ended up getting two shows, and in such a great venue - it's all pretty amazing.

Even more amazing is that I have found out today that the show has been nominated for a Fringe award in THREE different categories! Which is insane. (The three categories are Music, Theatre, and Musical Theatre, by the way. My show wasn't really Theatre, but I'm not going to complain!) I knew going in that these were good songs, and good stories, and that they needed to be shared. But to have so many people that came along giving me great feedback, and then being nominated for three awards, is pretty amazing. People were saying things like - these songs should be on radio; I could see these songs in a musical (spoiler: I did start writing a musical about queer faith, which some of these songs would feature in, but it has been on the shelf for most of this year); I need to hear this as an album; you should perform this in other spaces; this made me cry; I loved that so much; those songs were incredible; and many other things.

It feels incredible to hear people saying these things. Because this is what I love to do. And more than that - this is my thing. Like, I have fingers in a lot of pies. Anyone who knows me will know that. There are so many different things that I do, and enjoy doing, and a decent number of things that I do well. But this - this is, more than anything else, my thing. Singing songs, telling stories, of my own journey, and connecting to other people through that. Whether that's to build understanding, or relationship, or empathy, or some combination of these; this is what I want to be doing. With, like, most of my time and energy 😅 But, you know, capitalism and money and survival and all that. Jobs are very good at soaking up a lot of time and energy. And ADHD is very good at not letting me focus on one thing.....

But I want to do this more. I want to do things like share Rainbow Religion with more people, more than the fifty-ish that showed up across two performances. Part of that will happen through getting the recording up online, and sharing it that way. But that's also not quite the same as doing it in person. So I guess, putting the call out there - if you know of a place that might be interested in having a show like Rainbow Religion, hit me up. Admittedly, I might need them to have a piano or a keyboard there, my keyboard is.....a bit out of action at the moment 😂 (I don't know where the power cord is for it any more, and it is rather old). But yeah. I'd love to bring this to more people. And I'd love to record these songs, with more instruments, get a proper band happening for them, that sort of thing. I even have music video ideas for a couple of them (like, one is a full on dance video, one is a freaking claymation weird thing). Write more songs. Share them. Do more of all of this.

Because we need more people sharing these sorts of stories. Stories from queer people, from trans people, from neurodivergent people, from people that have gone through shit and are happy to talk about it. The stories in Rainbow Religion have been about dealing with religious trauma, and growing up in the conservative church; and from the reactions that I've had, it feels like this is something that resonates with a lot of people. And that makes sense to me. I think particularly the generation I'm from, and around it, many of us were brought up in church. And there's a lot of stuff that can come out of that, that's not really great. But this isn't the time to do my show over again! I'm just glad that these stories are resonating with people. And I'm glad that what I'm doing is having an impact. So thank you.

Not A "Real" Christian...

This week, I'm performing my show, Rainbow Religion, as part of the Sydney Fringe Festival. There's been a lot of work that's gone into it, and a lot of stories that I'm sharing as part of it. But the topics that I'm talking within are massive - things like religious trauma, spirituality, queerness, deconstruction and reconstruction, moving away from toxic theology, integrating identity and belief, the overlap of so many different things. And so there's a lot that's going to get missed, it's a continuous story that I'm telling and sharing, in many ways. I feel like I've learned so much in so little time, but a couple of years is still a lot to try and distil into one hour. Because that's more or less what I'm doing, telling the story of the last couple of years, and what that experience has been like for me, and the challenges of that, and why I've done what I've done.

And it feels like much of what I'm talking about is going to connect and appeal to a lot of people. I don't want to try and imagine how many people have religious trauma from years gone by, and for various reasons, but I imagine it's a significant portion of the population. Certainly, most queer folks have it to some degree, because religion has done a rather good job of setting themselves up against us for the most part.

But there's also people that will see what I'm doing and get angry. And that will ask questions, or point fingers. And I understand that. People who will ask - "How can you say you're representing Jesus if you're saying that divorce is okay? Or that homosexuality is okay? Or that sex before marriage is okay? Or that porn is okay? Or that being a sex worker is okay? The Bible is clearly against these things! You can call yourself something else, but don't say you're a Christian." And I could ask right back - "How can you say you're representing Jesus when you're hurting those that are vulnerable, and in need? When you are the oppressor? When you are turning people away from the church, and away from God, and saying they are unwelcome? When you are bringing death, not life? This is opposite to everything Jesus did!" But arguments don't solve anything. And my intent isn't to burn bridges - it's to promote understanding, and to help people to heal.

There will probably always be divides, and extremes, and arguments. But we can hope to head towards a future where we don't have to fight to live as ourselves. Radical idea, right? One day, maybe.....

On Burnout.

I haven't been posting much here for a while. Or anywhere, really. And that's been due to a few different things, but really there's been one main culprit - burnout.

There used to be just plain old burnout. But now - now, we have different flavours.

When most people talk about burnout, they're talking about work. And that's certainly a chunk of it. But there's also autistic burnout, which is something I've only learned about more recently, and something I'm still trying to figure out how long I've been dealing with. I'm not going to go into detail about it here, but this is one post that shows up prominently from a quick Google search that seems to explain it decently. TL;DR - when we get overly drained from masking and the like. If you're familiar with the spoons metaphor, when we use too many spoons too often.

I think I might have had various levels of autistic burnout for a couple of years now, maybe more. Some seem to suggest it's an almost constant thing, it's just more about how bad it is. For me, it feels like it's been particularly bad over the past few months or so, but I've had a few waves back and forth over the last while I think.

The difficulty is, I can't really do one of the main things you'd usually do to help burnout - take time off. Have a break. I don't have the leave or the money to be doing that. Though I'll essentially be taking a week off on the week of my show (which you should come see and you can get tickets here) - which will be something, I guess? And maybe if a lot of people come and see my show, I'll have enough money to have a bit more time off. But more likely it will just give me a little bit to add to my currently-rather-low-savings.

What else could I be doing? Well, spending more time doing things that I do enjoy. And I'm trying to. I've got a musical I'm doing rehearsals for, and I'm loving the opportunity to sing and dance again. (I really love dancing.) I've got a show at Sydney Fringe coming up, so I'm practicing my music for that. Trying to catch up and see friends where I can. Would be nice to do games more often? I have a lot of boardgames sitting on my shelf. Unfortunately there's not really a good spot at the new place to do boardgames :( No good gaming table.

The main other thing I can think of is finding different work. Trying to find work that isn't as draining for me. And I am starting to look. But the process of finding work in itself can often be rather draining. So that's not exactly a fast solution.

Right now - I'm working on getting through each day. That's about as far as I'm able to look ahead, many days. Which can make things rather difficult. But that's what I've got to work with......

What's In A Name?

Hey folks. It's been a while now that I've been out as non-binary, and in that time, I knew that at some point, I would want to change my name to something a bit more.....me. I have nothing against the names that I was given when I was born - but they're very straight white cis male. And I am only one of those things. So, you know. Trying to find names that represent who I am now as a person a little better.

Names tend to have connections to both heritage and identity. For me, heritage hasn't ever held much weight or interest, unfortunately (though history in general does). But I don't change my name to try and hide my heritage, or disconnect from my family. I change my name to connect to and reflect my identity, because that is something that I connect to very deeply, and always have. I've had a different understanding of my identity over the years, but particularly in the last while it's grown and been made a lot clearer. So I'm choosing names that resonate with my new understanding of myself.

The first name was the easy part. It's one that's been in my head for quite a while as something I identify with, and was one of the first things I thought of when I was thinking of gender-neutral options for my first name. It's not what I immediately changed to, though, because I wanted to start with what was the smallest and easiest change, see how that felt, and go from there. And I'll still be using Bren as a nickname, particularly with folks who have already known me with that name.

But my new first name that I've chosen is Raven.

I connect to this name for a few reasons. Firstly, one of the meanings of my old first name is "little raven", depending on which language you look up the meaning in, it has origins in a couple of languages. The second reason is a bit more abstract - it connects to a series of books I loved when I was younger, called the King Raven trilogy. The basic concept was re-imagining Robin Hood, in Wales, in the late eleventh century; basically, the struggle of the Welsh people against the Normans. Robin Hood is instead Bran ap Brychan, a Welsh prince, whose father is killed by the Normans. Bran escapes into the woods, barely alive, and starts a form of guerrilla warfare against the occupying forces; building a small team of archers, living in the woods, stealing from the Normans and giving back to the Welsh farmers and families. But where does the name Robin Hood come in? Well, over time, Bran earns the name and title Rhi Bran y Hud, which translates to King Raven the Enchanter. But an Anglicised version would be Robin Hood! But yes - Bran translates as raven in the Welsh. And so I loved this idea that I was somehow a bit connected to this person of Robin Hood, even if it was only in this fictional world. Because they're someone that I quite look up to - living to help those in need, and really doing something for justice and people that are hurting. Taking down the rich a couple of notches. (And no, for those wondering, I didn't pick this name because of the character from Teen Titans. I never actually watched it.)

The rest was harder, and I didn't really think about what to change the rest of my name to for a while. I think I first thought about it near the beginning of this year, when I had the idea of writing a musical about queer faith (as you do - it's still on the shelf with not much done at present, but hopefully it gets legs at some point), and thought about publishing under a pen name. Various ideas popped into my head, some I like, some not so much, but I did come up with the idea for my middle name.

The middle name that I've chosen is Joy.

Joy is something that Christians talk about a fair bit, particularly in comparison to happiness, and how it's more long-lasting, deeper, etc etc. And there's probably a bit of that in why I enjoyed (ha) the idea of this name. But it's also just going - I've been through a lot of shit in my life. Not the same sort of shit that others have, or not as much, sure, but I'm not here to compare shit to shit. It's all shit. None of it's fun to deal with and go through. And having gotten through a lot of shit, I'm still able to have joy in my life. And joy has helped me through a lot of the shit. It's not all that's helped me through - and there are certainly times in my life where it's felt fairly absent of joy - but it's been a big part of it. And for me, it's a big part of why I keep going, day-to-day, is the people and things that bring me joy. I'm grateful that there are so many. If you're reading this, chances are you've been one of them at some point.

The last name was the hardest one to figure out. Because, you see, at this point a pattern had been started. And my brain, autistic and ADHD as it is, can't resist a good pattern. I already had the initials R and J. If the last name then started with B - well then, my new name would have the reverse initials to my own name. And I liked the symmetry of that. My old name also had other symmetries - the three names had 7, 5, and 7 letters. They also had two, one, and two syllables. My new names, so far, had five and three letters - and two and one syllables. So. The last name needed to start with B, have five letters, and two syllables. I came up with one idea early on, but it didn't quite fit. And it's only very recently (like, the last few days, as I'm writing this) that I've come up with this one.

The last name that I've chosen is Bower.

This name I don't really have a story for. I was literally looking through a list of five-letter words starting with B, and seeing what resonated with me. And this is what stood out to me the most. I like the connection back to the first name (both being from nature), and that it's a green-sounding word. I like green. (I like purple more, but green is good too.)

So, that's my new name. Raven Joy Bower. In the next couple of months or so, the plan is to change it legally. It will be a bit of kerfuffle and fiddling around to make all of that happen, so I'm anticipating it might take some time to get all the paperwork sorted. But as I said, I'll still use Bren as a nickname with folks that already know me that way, as well as this new name.

But yes. Hello folks. I'm Raven 😊

Exploring The Fringe....

I've gone and done something a bit radical, folks. Still needing to pinch myself now and then....

I'm going to be playing at the Sydney Fringe Festival. Some of you probably don't know what that is, so if you don't feel like doing a quick Google - it's an annual creative arts festival, specifically to feature up-and-coming creatives. They have Fringe Festivals in many different cities around the world (the most famous probably being Edinburgh Fringe). I don't know if this is true of all Fringe Festivals, or all years, but the way it worked was that there's no selection process as such. You make a submission, and if it fits the rules and guidelines and such, then you're in. The catch is that you have to do a lot of the work - they'll find you a venue, but then you need to do a lot of the marketing and promotion, pay some of the costs involved, all of that sort of thing.

But yeah. I'm going to be playing at that. Sharing some of my music, some of my stories....it feels a bit crazy. I haven't done an event like this before. I've played for a lot of people before - a couple of talent nights and such - but not an event this.....prestigious is I think the word I'm looking for. Feels a little scary? Kinda did the submission on a whim. It's something that I've thought about doing before, but never really got round to it. Thought this year I'd give it a try. And now it's happening. We have a venue, we have dates (yes, multiple!), we have things starting to be organised.....I have no idea how many tickets I'll actually sell, or how many people will come. But it's happening!

I've called the event Rainbow Religion. The basic idea is to do the songs from my latest album (I say latest album, but it hasn't been released anywhere, just written) that I've written, Life To The Full, and tell some stories related to them. It's talking about my experience of coming out as queer later in life, after growing up Christian - some of the deconstruction that I've done, and reconstructing back into something that I believe in now. Reconciling the queer and the faith. I feel like that's a lot of what I talk about, write about, these days, when I do write. It's either about queer stuff, or about how that interacts with Christian stuff.

Because it's important. For so many reasons. I think there are a lot of queer people that have a lot of trauma from the church - either from being raised in it and thrown out, or just the hate directed at them by the church; then there are a lot of people in the church that are queer and afraid to come out, either because they don't think it can line up with their faith or because they're afraid of the reaction from people around them; and there are lots of people in the church as well who just really don't understand queerness, sexuality, gender, well at all. There are a lot of bridges that need building, and I feel like I can help to be a part of that, and a part of that healing process. Doesn't mean that I think every church is about to be affirming - but there are churches around that are, and that are more sex-positive. And it feels like the affirming church, and the queer church, is growing. Which is awesome. It feels like there's a lot of generational trauma that's slowly being undone, and slowly being healed, and words of life spoken into that. And I hope that I can be a part of that, with the music that I play, and the stories that I share.

When things get a bit more finalised, I'll certainly be sharing more information - it's a few months away yet, but we're already making plans! I believe it's going to be good. And maybe I'll see you there :)

Ukulele in the park at midnight.

I want to tell a story. It's part of a story of how I moved towards being an LGBTQIA+ affirming Christian. This is one of many such stories, but it stands out to me still today.

Many years ago, there was a cafe called Mars Hill Cafe in Parramatta. Particularly in my uni days, I would be there most months for open mic nights, songwriter sessions, and the like. It was a really great place, with lovely people. Good food as well. They even had boardgames there, that you could bring out to your table and play with people while you were eating. But, for various reasons, it had to close down one day.

I went to the closing down party, because it had been such a big part of my life for the last few years. While I was there for dinner, there were a few other folks there sitting down and about to play a game. I ended up in conversation with them, and joining them for the game. The game was Monopoly (I know, terrible! But this was a while ago), and I can't remember who won or much about it, but we had fun. And the folks were queer. It was a while back, so I can't really remember names that well, but we had a good time together, and we all ended up adding each other on Facebook.

Not long after, Vivid was happening in Sydney, and so they were like, hey, we should catch up and see Vivid together! And so we did. It was crazy busy, massive crowds, and so we took a while to be able to get anywhere. They ended up getting bored fairly quickly, so they were like, hey, we'll take you to some gay bars! I'd never been to a gay bar before. I'd very rarely even been to a bar before xD I remember at one point they were playing a drinking game, but I didn't drink. So I was playing it while drinking water. Guess who won? :P We roamed around from place to place, and I had brought my ukulele along (as you do), and was playing that in bits and pieces too. I have one distinct memory of playing it as we were running through Hyde Park.

But what was strange to me was that, the next morning, I was preaching at a church. And I wondered what they would think, if they knew that the night before I had been to a bunch of gay bars with a group of queer people. I thought they probably wouldn't like that. And that made me sad. Because it felt right. It felt good to be there, with those people (I know now that I'm queer, but certainly had no clue of it then), and there was genuine joy in that experience.

I think Jesus knew what he was doing, when he lived amongst people. So often when we judge people, we're judging people that we don't know. That are outside, and unknown, and strange, and different. But when we spend time with people - when we share a meal with them, talk with them, start relationship with them - these boundaries between "us" and "them" break down, and we realise that we are not all that different. That's not just a Christian and queer thing, that's a people thing. You can apply it across to lots of situations. But I think it works well here. Often, growing up, it felt like queer people were condemned by many Christians because who they were or what they did was somehow seen as inherently wrong or different. But the more I got to know queer people, the more I saw that this was crazy. They weren't any different to me. (Of course, later on I would figure out I was queer too, but that took me a while.) Their love was the same as mine, just as real as mine, just as precious as mine. Who they were was no less or more than any other person.

Over the years, I'm grateful that I've been able to have many such experiences with queer people, that have helped me to see the truth. But this is one that lives in my memory most clearly. And so I thought that I would share it, in case it helps others.

Stranger and Stranger: Multiversing Madness

I haven't done a review in a long time. So let's do a review! Warning: spoilers abound. I'm not really going to be talking about some of the key spoilers in this review, but there are certainly things I'll be talking about that will change your perception of the movie if you have not watched it yet. You have been warned!

With that out of the way.

Doctor Strange: Multiverse Of Madness had a lot to live up to; and perhaps the trailers should have better set expectations around what would (and wouldn't) be in the movie. The multiverse is something that has been mentioned since Spider-Man: Far From Home, and more recently has featured prominently in the series of Loki, What If?, and the latest MCU movie, Spider-Man: No Way Home - which also featured Doctor Strange. At the end of Loki, we see the Sacred Timeline splitting and fracturing into pieces, but this has not yet been referenced in any of the shows or movies since. In What If?, we saw brief snapshots of different universes, different possibilities - as well as the idea that some beings may be able to move between and beyond them. And in Spider-Man: No Way Home, we get a direct reference to the multiverse, as well as characters from them emerging and colliding in spectacular ways.

In some ways, I think that Multiverse Of Madness struggled from occurring so soon after No Way Home. The latter hit it out of the park on so many levels, and had so much nostalgia to draw on from previous years and generations. And so, great expectations were set on this movie as well, particularly with a name like Multiverse Of Madness - people come bringing all their questions about the multiverse from these recent adventures, expecting that we'll finally see some answers, some crossover happening, that we'll see the multiverse impacting the current MCU in very real and tangible ways.

But that's not what really happens in this movie. Instead, this movie is just another peek into the multiverse; perhaps more than we've had in other places (No Way Home was a look into the past, Loki a fun look at alternate presents, whereas Multiverse Of Madness does give us some ideas about what could be coming in the future), but still less comprehensive than perhaps might have been expected. The main look at this we get is through the character of America Chavez, a great addition to the MCU, a character that seems to be able to travel the multiverse at will (though somewhat erratically at the start), with some glimpse at other bits of power too. We get a couple of glimpses at other universes, our longest glimpse even giving fans some tantalising teasers about possibilities to come; but these aren't really the focus of the story.

Instead, the focus of our story is a continuation from Wandavision; with Wanda, or Scarlet Witch, being arguably the central character for the bulk of the movie. And this, perhaps, is where some of the plot of the movie falls apart a little.

The central idea of the movie is that Wanda is trying to find her kids again (strangely, there is no mention or appearance of Vision). Having realised that her previous attempt to have a family hurt so many, it seems she has changed her plan to only (theoretically) hurt one: America Chavez. Her plan is to take America's power, travel to a universe where she has kids, and live her life there. When Strange asks the question of what will happen to the Wanda in that universe, there's a pause as if she hadn't considered that; or as if that's not relevant, not the point. But most of the movie is spent trying to keep Wanda away from America, often through rather drastic means (and a lot of death). Yet the obvious question never seems to be asked: why don't they just have a conversation, and America opens a portal for Wanda to the universe she wants to go to, and they let her figure things out with the Wanda of that universe? It feels like that would be much less messy. I realise the answer is probably because that would be too easy, of course, and much less drama. But it's sad to feel like Wanda is demonised, when all she is wanting is family.

Putting these concerns aside - it's a pretty good movie. There's a lot of action, and some really interesting fights (one particularly memorable one for me using music as a weapon, with great use of the instrumentation here), but also quite a decent chunk of horror-esque feel to it, and a bit more gruesome violence than you might expect of other Marvel movies. I'm not a big fan of horror, so that side didn't appeal to me so much, but it also wasn't so much to be completely off-putting for me. I enjoyed getting to dive back into the world of Doctor Strange, and seeing a few new techniques from him; it felt like we might see the alternate universe Strange from What If?, but that wasn't one of the ones that showed up. It was nice to see some new characters at Kamar-Taj, including some non-human - perhaps we'll see them again? It's going to be interesting to see where things go from here.

I think one of the difficulties we get as we go further into the MCU is just the proliferation of so many different threads, that go so long before being picked up. We thought a bunch might be picked up here - but no, we'll need to wait a bit longer for that. And each movie just adds more threads, and more stories, each occurring at the same time, and sometimes interweaving, but oftentimes barely even acknowledging each other. Moon Knight, for instance, the latest MCU series, has literally no tie-ins to the larger universe at all. Eternals, one of the recent movies, occurred largely within its own bubble as well, despite taking place across continents and incredible spans of time. If people fall in love with one of these characters from a specific film or show - it's going to be longer and longer before we see them again. Yes, more content is being made than before; but a lot of it is with new characters, and telling new stories, not bringing them together. Which makes it harder and harder to be a "casual fan", or, indeed, a new fan. There's so much to catch up on, and you never really know what will draw on what.

But anyway, I've rambled along long enough. I enjoyed the movie; but it felt like it wasn't what I was expecting it to be, and I didn't like how Wanda was demonised. It felt like we expected this movie to be something different, and something more, and so there's a feeling of being let down from that. But it's still an enjoyable movie, and there's still some great moments in it, and some goodies in there to look forward to (though again, how far in the future? No clue!). Let me know your thoughts if you like down below.

Finding Worth.

Firstly, an apology - I haven't written on here in quite some time now. That was partly due to a depressive season that I had earlier in the year which was quite bad, and sucked basically all of my energy. I had one post I wrote in the middle of that, basically talking about where I was at - but for now that one will stay in drafts. I don't need to be sending that out the wide world of the internets right now.

I also haven't really known what to write about for a while now, just in general. Whether it be here, or with poetry, or with music, or other creative endeavours, things have just been really dry. I've struggled for words, struggled to get anywhere, not really knowing where to start or what to say. So I've just been replaying some old bits for a little while. But that's not what this post is about.

I see a therapist. I've been seeing one (and the same one) since I started investigating this idea of being queer - so back in later 2020. My mental health has been up and down and all over during that time, but it's been great having someone to talk to and check in with through that. In my last session, though, we found a particular nerve - and I knew it was a nerve, on some level, but I hadn't really talked about it before. At least, not on this way.

One of my most recurring struggles, and fears, and feelings, is that I'm wasting time. That most of my days are just being thrown away, with no importance or significance to them, not doing anything that has real value. That I'll get to the end of my life, and there will just be so much time that was completely wasted, and worth nothing.

The difficulty is that, the vast majority of the time, work is like this for me. There are times when I can enjoy the work that I do, or see how it helps people, and find moments of joy within it; but all too often, it feels like I'm taking the day and throwing it into the void, and never seeing it again. And that's been true of most of the work I've done, really. Some just distract me from that better than others.

But then, even when I do have time, there are still barriers. Energy and focus being the big ones. The vast majority of the time, I have neither, or I have the first but not the second. ADHD is probably a culprit here (trying to get diagnosed and get meds for it to help, but the lines for it are miles long, with waitlists often over six months for just the first appointment), but there's only so much that I can do about that right now. And I don't really have the power (by myself, anyway) to do much about capitalism.

Switching it around, then. If I can't do much about the shitty, what's the good? Well, as I'm constantly reminded, and particularly recently - the good is people. When I'm able to connect to people, and make an impact on their lives in some way. Whether that's through directly meeting up with friends and family and helping them, or through the music I play and create, or other things that I make, or other things I'm involved with - seeing that what I do changes people's lives for the better, and brings people real joy, peace, hope, release. 

And so I try to do that more. But that also takes energy (even though it often gives me energy when I get there too) - which other things in life are really good at soaking up and taking away. But these are the things that help me find meaning and worth in life.

I could probably talk about whether that expectation of "making an impact" is healthy or not, and where that comes from, but that's probably a different post. Maybe another time.

What if......it's the end?

What's happening in Ukraine is scary. And horrendous. And shit.

I feel like people in my generation have grown up very much believing that things like large-scale war, nuclear threats, all of that was in the past. We wouldn't need to worry about it again. Of course, too often we turn a blind eye to the many "smaller" wars that are still happening, in many places around the world - and my generation has certainly been worried about the climate crisis, and how that might bring the world crashing down around us.

But this is happening. Right now. And other countries seem scared to intervene, because of the sorts of weapons that Russia has at their disposal. Nuclear weapons. Which brought me to the line of thinking that I had today.

If I knew that nukes were headed my way - if I knew that I was about to die - what would I do?

It's the classic question. What do you do with your last days, last hours, last minutes? Of course, with something like nukes, depending on where they hit, it might be more like seconds, who knows. I'm not that knowledgeable on how it all works. But I was a bit surprised at where my head went.

That is, nowhere. I couldn't come up with anything. Nothing that I'd want to do.

The ones people tend to say are things like, "tell someone that you love them!" I have. I don't really have a secret romance that's haunting me. "spend the time having fun with your partner ;)" I don't have one. I have a couple of people that I've been "dating", as such, or people I've caught up with here or there, but nobody I'd call a partner. I don't have a bucket list to do things from. I think I attempted to write one up when I was a fair bit younger, but I don't think it holds true for me now.

I just. Can't think of anything. I feel like I'd just collapse into a sobbing mess the whole time. I mean, I feel a step and a nudge away from that most of the time these days, to be honest. And maybe that's more the thing. Perhaps it's more due to depression and the like than anything else. I haven't been doing great for a while. Let's put it down to a combination of the pandemic, isolation, being horrifically touch-starved, and various other things being multiple levels of shit. Plus, now, you know, war breaking out in a very public way, and very real danger in another way coming to the forefront.

I just need the world to pause for a couple of months or so while I just go into a snuggle pile. That might get me back towards being okay. It's hard to tell. Every time I spend time with people where I'm not getting any physical touch, my brain just screams at me for quite a while afterwards. I often have to physically or mentally stop myself from touching people if I'm spending any amount of time with them. It's really, really, shit and hard.

I don't have a neat bow for this. Things are shit right now. With the world. With me. The bits of light I get are few and far between, and often go out before I get there. Hope is......fleeting. I don't really have much of it left.

But yes. For those wondering. I'd rather be dealing with all of this, while being truly me, than having to pretend I'm something I'm not. Pretending I'm straight, and cisgender, and monogamous. I don't have the energy to do that. I really, really don't.

Saying Nothing.

It's hard to write, when there are so many things to write about. When there is just so much happening, and so many ideas, and so much overwhelm. When you are passionate about so many different things, and each new thought tugs on your heartstrings in a different way.

Do I write about disability? About the inadequate systems that are in place to support disabled people; or the myriad ways so many still misunderstand disability; or how we even define disability; or the overlap of physical disability with mental disability, often because of how people are treated by those around them and the systems designed to support them; or how we pat ourselves on the back for doing the minimum to include disabled people, when there is still so much that excludes?

Do I go more broadly, and write about inequality? About racial inequality, or wealth inequality, or gender inequality, power inequality, and so many other forms of societal inequality. About the systems and structures of this world and their unfairness, how so much has been built for only certain types of people, ignoring diversity either by ignorance or malice?

Or perhaps I write about religion, that has perpetuated so much inequality? That has killed, and shunned, and hurt, and persecuted, and traumatised, and excluded; often citing the names of gods or spirits, but it is really in their own name?

Or maybe I talk about queerness, that religion has persecuted? About gender, and sexuality, and relationship; about the false dichotomy of male and female, the assumed normalcy of heterosexuality and monogamy and sexuality; finding the sacred in what has been demonised and disregarded?

What if I talk about identity, and who we are as people, as humans? About how we develop, and grow, and blossom, and shine? The depth and breadth of personality, the incredible complexity of who we are?

Maybe I talk about creativity - about music, and song, and art, and poetry, and dance, and drama, and performance, and the act of creating? About the power and possibility in something that is both constructed with so much thought, yet has no physical form? That communicates in sound, or movement?

Perhaps I have fun, and talk about games? Computer games, board games, card games - about cooperative games, or legacy games, or competitive games; games that are good for playing one on one, games that you bring out for a party, games that you can play by yourself, games that you keep for that regular play group. Decks that you've built for that card game, constructed carefully over time, expensive pieces of cardboard and colour?

Or about science! And maths! About the million things we have discovered, and continue to discover, every day; about wonders of this world, and this universe, that we live in, and the laws and patterns that seem to govern it and contain it, to the best of our understanding?

Or about stories, and how they entrance, and bewitch, and sustain, and so much more; how they take us to places we have never been, and allow us to walk in the shoes of those we never would - or help us to walk through places we know well, but fear. How stories unite us and connect us like few other things, how they bring us together in joy and pain?

Or maybe I need to talk about pain; about suffering, about trauma. About the hurt that so many of us carry and never work through, don't know how to work through, just live with. The fires that we have been formed and transformed by, the experiences that now dominate and shape our existence today, the burdens we have not yet cast off.

Perhaps I talk about emotion; about that chaos of feeling, that seems uncontrolled and wild at times, unpredictable and uncontainable, with no sense and little direction; about sorrow, and joy, and anger, and love?

All of these - and many more - I could write about, or talk about, for so long. Many of them I have already, yet there is still so much more. But when all are shouting at once, and all are jostling in my head for space, and to be released; it is difficult. It is hard to hear amongst the noise. To focus on one thing long enough to give it time to shine, before something else comes in to block it out. Because all are important, and so all demand their moment; but because of this, so often, none see the light. There is so much within me, but it cannot escape. It just rockets around, spinning and whirring and exhausting me constantly.

There is too much to say. And so I say nothing.