On Burnout.

I haven't been posting much here for a while. Or anywhere, really. And that's been due to a few different things, but really there's been one main culprit - burnout.

There used to be just plain old burnout. But now - now, we have different flavours.

When most people talk about burnout, they're talking about work. And that's certainly a chunk of it. But there's also autistic burnout, which is something I've only learned about more recently, and something I'm still trying to figure out how long I've been dealing with. I'm not going to go into detail about it here, but this is one post that shows up prominently from a quick Google search that seems to explain it decently. TL;DR - when we get overly drained from masking and the like. If you're familiar with the spoons metaphor, when we use too many spoons too often.

I think I might have had various levels of autistic burnout for a couple of years now, maybe more. Some seem to suggest it's an almost constant thing, it's just more about how bad it is. For me, it feels like it's been particularly bad over the past few months or so, but I've had a few waves back and forth over the last while I think.

The difficulty is, I can't really do one of the main things you'd usually do to help burnout - take time off. Have a break. I don't have the leave or the money to be doing that. Though I'll essentially be taking a week off on the week of my show (which you should come see and you can get tickets here) - which will be something, I guess? And maybe if a lot of people come and see my show, I'll have enough money to have a bit more time off. But more likely it will just give me a little bit to add to my currently-rather-low-savings.

What else could I be doing? Well, spending more time doing things that I do enjoy. And I'm trying to. I've got a musical I'm doing rehearsals for, and I'm loving the opportunity to sing and dance again. (I really love dancing.) I've got a show at Sydney Fringe coming up, so I'm practicing my music for that. Trying to catch up and see friends where I can. Would be nice to do games more often? I have a lot of boardgames sitting on my shelf. Unfortunately there's not really a good spot at the new place to do boardgames :( No good gaming table.

The main other thing I can think of is finding different work. Trying to find work that isn't as draining for me. And I am starting to look. But the process of finding work in itself can often be rather draining. So that's not exactly a fast solution.

Right now - I'm working on getting through each day. That's about as far as I'm able to look ahead, many days. Which can make things rather difficult. But that's what I've got to work with......

What's In A Name?

Hey folks. It's been a while now that I've been out as non-binary, and in that time, I knew that at some point, I would want to change my name to something a bit more.....me. I have nothing against the names that I was given when I was born - but they're very straight white cis male. And I am only one of those things. So, you know. Trying to find names that represent who I am now as a person a little better.

Names tend to have connections to both heritage and identity. For me, heritage hasn't ever held much weight or interest, unfortunately (though history in general does). But I don't change my name to try and hide my heritage, or disconnect from my family. I change my name to connect to and reflect my identity, because that is something that I connect to very deeply, and always have. I've had a different understanding of my identity over the years, but particularly in the last while it's grown and been made a lot clearer. So I'm choosing names that resonate with my new understanding of myself.

The first name was the easy part. It's one that's been in my head for quite a while as something I identify with, and was one of the first things I thought of when I was thinking of gender-neutral options for my first name. It's not what I immediately changed to, though, because I wanted to start with what was the smallest and easiest change, see how that felt, and go from there. And I'll still be using Bren as a nickname, particularly with folks who have already known me with that name.

But my new first name that I've chosen is Raven.

I connect to this name for a few reasons. Firstly, one of the meanings of my old first name is "little raven", depending on which language you look up the meaning in, it has origins in a couple of languages. The second reason is a bit more abstract - it connects to a series of books I loved when I was younger, called the King Raven trilogy. The basic concept was re-imagining Robin Hood, in Wales, in the late eleventh century; basically, the struggle of the Welsh people against the Normans. Robin Hood is instead Bran ap Brychan, a Welsh prince, whose father is killed by the Normans. Bran escapes into the woods, barely alive, and starts a form of guerrilla warfare against the occupying forces; building a small team of archers, living in the woods, stealing from the Normans and giving back to the Welsh farmers and families. But where does the name Robin Hood come in? Well, over time, Bran earns the name and title Rhi Bran y Hud, which translates to King Raven the Enchanter. But an Anglicised version would be Robin Hood! But yes - Bran translates as raven in the Welsh. And so I loved this idea that I was somehow a bit connected to this person of Robin Hood, even if it was only in this fictional world. Because they're someone that I quite look up to - living to help those in need, and really doing something for justice and people that are hurting. Taking down the rich a couple of notches. (And no, for those wondering, I didn't pick this name because of the character from Teen Titans. I never actually watched it.)

The rest was harder, and I didn't really think about what to change the rest of my name to for a while. I think I first thought about it near the beginning of this year, when I had the idea of writing a musical about queer faith (as you do - it's still on the shelf with not much done at present, but hopefully it gets legs at some point), and thought about publishing under a pen name. Various ideas popped into my head, some I like, some not so much, but I did come up with the idea for my middle name.

The middle name that I've chosen is Joy.

Joy is something that Christians talk about a fair bit, particularly in comparison to happiness, and how it's more long-lasting, deeper, etc etc. And there's probably a bit of that in why I enjoyed (ha) the idea of this name. But it's also just going - I've been through a lot of shit in my life. Not the same sort of shit that others have, or not as much, sure, but I'm not here to compare shit to shit. It's all shit. None of it's fun to deal with and go through. And having gotten through a lot of shit, I'm still able to have joy in my life. And joy has helped me through a lot of the shit. It's not all that's helped me through - and there are certainly times in my life where it's felt fairly absent of joy - but it's been a big part of it. And for me, it's a big part of why I keep going, day-to-day, is the people and things that bring me joy. I'm grateful that there are so many. If you're reading this, chances are you've been one of them at some point.

The last name was the hardest one to figure out. Because, you see, at this point a pattern had been started. And my brain, autistic and ADHD as it is, can't resist a good pattern. I already had the initials R and J. If the last name then started with B - well then, my new name would have the reverse initials to my own name. And I liked the symmetry of that. My old name also had other symmetries - the three names had 7, 5, and 7 letters. They also had two, one, and two syllables. My new names, so far, had five and three letters - and two and one syllables. So. The last name needed to start with B, have five letters, and two syllables. I came up with one idea early on, but it didn't quite fit. And it's only very recently (like, the last few days, as I'm writing this) that I've come up with this one.

The last name that I've chosen is Bower.

This name I don't really have a story for. I was literally looking through a list of five-letter words starting with B, and seeing what resonated with me. And this is what stood out to me the most. I like the connection back to the first name (both being from nature), and that it's a green-sounding word. I like green. (I like purple more, but green is good too.)

So, that's my new name. Raven Joy Bower. In the next couple of months or so, the plan is to change it legally. It will be a bit of kerfuffle and fiddling around to make all of that happen, so I'm anticipating it might take some time to get all the paperwork sorted. But as I said, I'll still use Bren as a nickname with folks that already know me that way, as well as this new name.

But yes. Hello folks. I'm Raven 😊