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Thursday, 20 February 2014

Figuring out this year.

Well, God knows how to make a point.

I knew as soon as I started down the path of deciding to do Impart that this year was going to be different; going to be new, and going to be challenging. I knew that God was going to be taking that opportunity to do things. To lead me places.

But I didn't expect what he's done.

I thought that he was going to give me clarity in terms of ministry. Instead, he's stirred up my fears and said, "Hey, we need to work on these." I thought that something might even be happening in terms of a relationship. "Not now. You need to focus back on me."

And, no, those weren't the exact words I heard. I'm dramaticising a little, taking a bit of artistic license. I don't really 'hear' God that often. Certainly not audibly.

Now, in some ways, this is downright annoying. Because I don't particularly want to be having panic and trauma attacks in front of people. I don't particularly want to be all by myself, proper. It's been a good - well, six years or so since then.

But I know what God's trying to do. He's taking me back to the ground level. Working from the bottom up, at my foundations. If I let my fears control me and shape me - then I'm powerless as a person. I'm so restricted and tied. If I can't be comfortable by myself, if I can't rely on God to be there when I'm alone - then I'm not going to be able to build on that trust and comfort when I'm actually in a relationship.

This year, it's back to basics. Well - perhaps more the essentials, rather than the basics. What I need to get sorted first. Before anything else.

Monday, 10 February 2014

New things! Exciting things!

So! This year's kind of gotten ahead of me, and many things have happened, some that I've sorta kinda mentioned here, and others not so much. So I thought that I'd take this time to talk about them!

Firstly, I'm doing Impart! For those in the Church of Christ loop, it's like Navigate's big brother. For those not, it's like an intensive part-time one year bible college course, done as a very small community (i.e. 10 people). Which is pretty cool. I've already done my first intensive block, which I mentioned in one of my previous posts. But I've met some awesome people with this, and it's generally quite awesome :D

Secondly, I've come into some new-fangled music stuff through Christmas, and birthday, and other stuff like that. So I now have Ableton Live 9 Standard; a Macbook Pro (one of the new ones); and Ableton Push. For those who don't know Ableton (most of you), it's a sort of music software that is used for music creation, changing, editing, transforming, production, etc. Really good for electronic stuff, and made specifically to be used for live performance. Push, then, is a MIDI controller that interacts with Ableton, and is essentially a grid of buttons that you can use kinda like a keyboard, but set out quite differently. And with a lot more variety of uses. And my laptop means that I can do a whole lot more, like recording, making new videos, doing livestreaming (check out my channel at, which is pretty cool.
And I got an accordion. Just cause. Realised after I got it that I don't really have anywhere I can practice (it's really, *really* loud, so I can't practice at home), so I'm not sure what's going to happen with that. And I don't really have anyone to teach me either. Some of it's fairly simple - I mean, one side is a piano - but the bass is proving pretty tricky, and the mechanics of it can be a little finicky as well.

Those are the main ones. But then I'm still doing some casual work at Boomerang, I've got Youth Group happening at church that I'm helping out with, Life Group, church, and choir as well. So I'm keeping myself fairly occupied. I've got a few other projects I'm working on as well - one in particular that's going to be coming up quite soon - but you'll hear about those as they come around ;)

Friday, 7 February 2014

Singleness in Today's Society.

If you're on any sort of social network; if you watch TV a fair bit; if you have a girlfriend/wife/partner; even if you get junk mail; you probably know that next Friday is Valentine's Day. Depending on who you are, you may either be looking towards the approaching that day with either excitement or trepidation.

Valentine's Day gets quite a hubbub these days. Being in a relationship is the new cool thing, even if you're quite young. It's not uncommon to see people in primary school dating nowadays. And you get a lot of people lamenting the fact that they aren't in a relationship; getting really quite annoyed/angry/depressed because they aren't with someone.

And you hear the speeches that people give to them - "Oh, being in a relationship isn't that great," "You have so much freedom when you're single!" "You should be so happy!" - typically, given by people in relationships; and honestly, it sounds like they're talking schist. Like they're saying things just to make someone happy. They mean well, but they're going about it the wrong way. It might work for some people, but if someone was saying that sort of thing to me, I'd cheerfully give them a right hook.
OK, probably not, but I'd be more annoyed at them than cheered up.

I'm currently 21, and I've been single all my life. Never been on a date, never kissed a girl (apart from some people who do the kiss on the cheek thing to say hi, which I always find a bit weird). Am I happy being single?
Well, yes and no.

Do I want to be single for the rest of my life - heck no. I'd possibly go slightly crazy(-er than I already am). I like people too much to be myself my whole life. But at the same time, I'm fairly comfortable being single. To say that I love it, that I'm happy with it - that would be stretching it quite a bit. I do want to be in a relationship, quite a bit. But at the same time, it's not something I want to rush into. And it's not something I take lightly. Though, at the same time, I don't have a list as long as my arm of qualities potential girlfriends need to possess.

Now, I know people who have started dating - from fairly young - and are still together with the same person. And that's awesome that they met that person so early on. But that's not how it's going to happen for everybody - it might take you ages until you find someone that you fall for. And even then, the first person you fall for you won't necessarily end up with. If that does happen, you're doing very well.

And, being a single person - particularly as you get older - it can be quite disheartening, both seeing some people that just don't take it seriously and are with a new person every other month, and others your age who are in serious relationships, and looking to get married. I know at least half a dozen or so people born within about 3 years of me that are already married, and by this time next year I can guarantee you there will be a few more.

And sometimes, you feel like you could just try and compromise. Ask that quite nice looking girl that's displayed some interest in you. And maybe it will work out. Every person is different, and I can't tell you what will or won't work for you.

But for me - almost ever since I've been interested in girls (that was about year 9, and this was since year 10, so less than a year gap), there's been someone I've been interested in. Not the same person - I haven't quite been able to manage that - but I know that for me, starting a relationship with one person when I was interested in someone else just wouldn't work. So I've never really gone there, even when I've thought that it was a possibility.

And yes, I get down sometimes. And yes, I'd like to be in a relationship. And yes, I've had enough time by myself to last a lifetime. But at the same time, I know that everything has its time. Right now is the time for me to be single. Maybe it's so I can focus on some other things. I don't know exactly what God's planning. He shows me bits and pieces now and then, but he certainly likes to keep things to himself sometimes.

On that note - Segue! - you probably haven't noticed, but there are some posts that I share on Facebook, and there are some I don't. And then there are some things that I just don't post about. The things that I write up but I don't share, I feel almost a bit scared of what people will think. That fear - among others - is something I'm trying to fight this year.

And, as you're probably well aware while reading this, this isn't something I typically talk about. I'm very tight-lipped when it comes to relationships at all, generally speaking. This would usually be one I definitely wouldn't share on Facebook. Not so much for fear of ridicule or rejection, but more because it's not something I'm as comfortable with sharing with everybody, and you never know who's going to see it on Facebook.

But I'm going to do something radical, and share it anyway.
If you take this as a sign that I'm suddenly going to tell you everything about this sort of thing, however, you've got another thing coming.