Looking Back, Looking Forward...24/25

Well, we've come to the end of another year, and the start of a new one. This year has been rather eventful for me, with a number of new things starting up. 

The biggest of these was probably uni. It's been strange being back again after about ten years, but I've also really enjoyed it. I'm doing this music therapy course with a lot of rather wonderful people, and it's a community that I'm grateful to now be a part of. It's certainly been a lot of work - and I know that's only going to be more so the case for this coming year - but it's felt worthwhile.

I think the other big thing this year has been relationships. I don't talk that much about my relationships publicly, for various reasons; but as I've mentioned previously on here, I'm polyamorous. One relationship that I'm in we recently celebrated our second anniversary, which to me feels quite significant. (I know for a lot of other folks that feels quite small - but for me that hasn't had that many relationships, it's a fair bit.) I've also had two new relationships start up this year, meaning that I now have three partners! It's been a bit of work juggling that, particularly when people to tend to be rather busy. But it's been very rewarding, and I love each of them rather a lot. I'm looking forward to seeing how those relationships develop over the coming year. 

Another thing has been board games. I've always been pretty big on board games, but this year I got the chance to show a prototype of one of my games, Corners, off at a convention in Sydney. Which went really well! I was really happy with the reception that I got, and I implemented much of the feedback from people into the design of the game. I think it's really close now to being done, and I'm pretty happy with it. There's also plenty of other games I've been doing bits of work on, and I've been having somewhat regular board game nights at my place as well, which has been great. 

Another thing that's more recent has been acting in another musical. I haven't been on stage for a few years now, and I've really missed it - so I'm very grateful to be back in it again, with a crowd that's close to home, and a show that's queer as they come! I get to be in a femme role on stage which I really love. I'm having a lot of fun, singing and dancing and acting again after quite some time. I don't know if I'll be able to do another show next year while uni is happening, so I'm enjoying this one while it's here. 

One more thing that happened was the Sydney Fringe show that I did, Faces of Love. I think I was worried going into it that it wouldn't do as well as Rainbow Religion; the idea didn't feel as clear, and it all felt somewhat cobbled together in a way. But I still had a decent number of people showing up, and a lot of folks that really loved the shows and that were impacted by the songs. I think it's just a reminder for me that that really is the thing that I do well; even if it's one I feel like I haven't put as much energy into, there's still a lot in there, a lot of depth and emotion that people are able to connect to and feel. Hopefully I'll get more opportunities to do that, but it's hard to know. 

I was also able to finally finish up my work at the museum. While I miss the people there, I don't miss the work. And it's nice being able to have a rest for a little while. I've needed it. 

Looking forward to next year - I'm not really sure what to expect. There's a few things that are locked in, like uni, the musical, that sort of thing. But there's plenty that I don't know yet, and I'll just have to figure out as I go. But that's how it tends to happen!

So, to all of you - happy new year. I wish you all the best for the year to come 💜

Turning 30.

Today, I’m turning thirty. Since we use a base ten numbering system, that feels significant to people. It isn’t really, but it feels that way. I thought what might be interesting, though, is looking at a decade ago - 2012, turning twenty, and the difference between then and now. 

I was still writing this blog back then. I went back and checked. I don’t think I’d been doing it for that long, though. It was my last year at university, studying a Bachelor of Music at the Kingswood campus of Western Sydney Uni. I was still living at home, and working at a local Italian restaurant called Luigi’s. Next year I would start up a job leading camps and Duke of Edinburgh expeditions, but I didn’t know I’d gotten the job until December. I’m not sure if I’d even done the interview at this point. I was a regular at the evening church that I’d grown up in at Campbelltown, often on the music team, or sound and tech. From memory, I was also head over heels for someone - but that was true of me most of the time then. (It didn’t work out, dear reader, but in a fun new way. That wasn’t until next year, though. Maybe even early 2014? Not sure, time is wibbly-wobbly.) 

Back then, I was churning out music at the rate of knots. There was a couple of times I’d do songwriting challenges, to test myself, and stretch the brain a bit, so to speak. Maybe I should do that sort of thing again. It’s harder when you don’t have the same amount of time that you used to. I was driving around in an old metallic green Volvo that my grandpa had bought and fixed up - we used to call it the tank. I had so many people that I was connecting to at uni - both through my course, and also through the Christian group there - and I was really having the time of my life. I loved uni so much. But that was all wrapping up, and a new season was starting. A season of work. 

I think since uni finished, there’s been - maybe two? - people from there who I’ve connected with on some regular or repeated level at some point. But honestly, that’s fairly standard of most of the different seasons of life for me. I don’t really stay connected to people that well. I care about them a lot, and miss them when they’re gone - but tend to only look at photos on Facebook they put up, wish people happy birthday now and then, bump into someone once in a blue moon. I’m not good at staying connected to people, or taking initiative with that. It’s something I want to get better at, particularly because I know one-on-one connection is something that I really crave and that energises and rejuvenates me.

But work has probably changed things in a bigger way for me. Before then, my life revolved around learning, in various ways. Work had started to come along, but it was ancillary, a bit on the side. Suddenly, it became the focus, that everything else warped around, that gobbled up most of my time. And it has repeatedly, and routinely, burnt me out. There’s only one job since then which I’ve lasted in for more than two years; and I was only doing that job for one day a week. I haven’t been fired from a job (yet, and very surprisingly with a couple of them), but many jobs I’ve had to leave because of burn out.  And that’s not really something that I’ve ever solved. I’ve never found a job that hasn’t drained in me in one way or another. 

I think the closest I found to that was actually the job that I would end up doing next year - leading camps, and Duke of Ed trips. I was regularly outside and active, interacting with small groups in intentional ways, building relationships and learning new skills, meeting great people and having a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, the flip side to it was that you’re doing camps. You’re doing multi-day trips. So you’re regularly away from home for multiple days and nights in a row, in ways that aren’t consistent. So I wasn’t really able to commit to anything regular, and I had very little time outside of work. Particularly for someone who really enjoys creative projects and such, that was really difficult, and didn’t end up being sustainable.

I don’t know if there’s a happy medium somewhere, maybe there is. You would hope so. 

Thirty is a strange milestone. It feels very adult. Twenty you’re kinda just starting out, just getting into things. But now, you’ve been doing things a while, you should be getting the hang of things, settling into a rhythm, something like that. Of course, life is always a bit more complicated - and being neurodivergent, the standard narrative never fits particularly well. 

I feel like there are some pretty amazing things that I’ve been able to accomplish and do in the time that I’ve had so far, for sure. I’ve written and created a lot, connected to a bunch of people, done talks and plays and musicals and more; had moments of recognition now and then. But it would be easy for me to see the flip side to that as well - there are so many projects left unfinished, so many songs and stories that haven’t been heard or shared with others, so many ideas that haven’t seen the light of day. I’m learning, though, slowly, that we can only do so much with the time that we have. There will always be more we want to fit in life than we are able to. And even if there are times where much of what we do feels wasted, or worthless - perhaps they are bringing value to others. Or perhaps that is a sign to change what you are doing. I’m still learning, and there are many answers I don’t have. 

Over this year, there’s been a lot of up and down. Particularly down. I’ve had many moments and seasons of depression and hopelessness, where I’ve seen little point to living. I am grateful that I am not there now; that I am able to get through the days with a little more energy and focus. Meds probably helps; but people have also been a big help, as is often the case. I have many beautiful and amazing people around me that give me reasons to keep living, and looking forward to another day, to the future. Even in the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself getting better. And I’m grateful for all that the people around me give. I seem to say the same thing year after year, but it continues being true - I am here largely because of the people around me, and the hope, joy, and love they bring. So to each and every one of you, thank you. You have helped me to thirty. You have helped me to here, and now; you have given me life. 

Reflections on The Boy From Oz.

Image credit: Angela Cascarino

Over the last several months, I've been involved in Campbelltown Theatre Group's production of The Boy From Oz. Yesterday was our final show, so I thought that I'd take some time to reflect a little on the experience. This has been an incredible show, and a gargantuan effort from so many people. We've had an incredible amount of talent, both on stage and off, and it's been reflected in the feedback that we've been receiving, and the number of tickets selling (most of the shows sold out)!

For myself, it's been a joy and a privilege to be a part of; but also a lot of work. Campbelltown isn't as close as it used to be, so making a two-hour round trip a couple of times a week for rehearsals has been rough. And just in terms of energy, and how I've been going emotionally and mentally, the last several months have been pretty all over the place. So I haven't been able to put as much into this show as I would have liked to. It's probably a blessing in disguise that I was mostly chorus.

But being able to be in a show again with so many old friends has been really amazing. Many of the cast and crew are people I've done a number of shows with before, all the way back to ten years ago, my first show with CTG. It's been good being able to see them again, and spend time with them, and just the support from them all has been amazing. They've all been pretty good with name and pronouns, even with me changing name fairly late in the production - and it was really affirming and encouraging for me to have that.

It's also been lovely being part of a show that's just so fun and colourful. For those of you who don't know the show, it's about the life of Peter Allen - an Australian singer/songwriter, pianist, dancer, bisexual, queer guy, and rather fabulous (remind you of anyone?). He's done a couple of songs you might have heard of, like I Still Call Australia Home, and I Go To Rio. And there's a few familiar faces on stage, like Judy Garland, her daughter Liza Minnelli, and even a brief appearance from a young Brian Henderson (played by yours truly). So the show was a lot of fun, and rather fabulous, and the music was great. So many fun dances and costumes, and people looking and sounding amazing.

It's been a while since I've done a musical - the last one was Spamalot, back in 2015, seven years ago now. (Yes, for those who were in it, it was that long ago!) I mostly do plays. But it was good getting back into singing and dancing on stage, and I hope that I have the occasion to do it again. Hopefully next time, a little bit closer to home 😅 Though that also means making new connections at a new theatre. We'll see how we go. First, rest, I think. Rest is good.

What if......it's the end?

What's happening in Ukraine is scary. And horrendous. And shit.

I feel like people in my generation have grown up very much believing that things like large-scale war, nuclear threats, all of that was in the past. We wouldn't need to worry about it again. Of course, too often we turn a blind eye to the many "smaller" wars that are still happening, in many places around the world - and my generation has certainly been worried about the climate crisis, and how that might bring the world crashing down around us.

But this is happening. Right now. And other countries seem scared to intervene, because of the sorts of weapons that Russia has at their disposal. Nuclear weapons. Which brought me to the line of thinking that I had today.

If I knew that nukes were headed my way - if I knew that I was about to die - what would I do?

It's the classic question. What do you do with your last days, last hours, last minutes? Of course, with something like nukes, depending on where they hit, it might be more like seconds, who knows. I'm not that knowledgeable on how it all works. But I was a bit surprised at where my head went.

That is, nowhere. I couldn't come up with anything. Nothing that I'd want to do.

The ones people tend to say are things like, "tell someone that you love them!" I have. I don't really have a secret romance that's haunting me. "spend the time having fun with your partner ;)" I don't have one. I have a couple of people that I've been "dating", as such, or people I've caught up with here or there, but nobody I'd call a partner. I don't have a bucket list to do things from. I think I attempted to write one up when I was a fair bit younger, but I don't think it holds true for me now.

I just. Can't think of anything. I feel like I'd just collapse into a sobbing mess the whole time. I mean, I feel a step and a nudge away from that most of the time these days, to be honest. And maybe that's more the thing. Perhaps it's more due to depression and the like than anything else. I haven't been doing great for a while. Let's put it down to a combination of the pandemic, isolation, being horrifically touch-starved, and various other things being multiple levels of shit. Plus, now, you know, war breaking out in a very public way, and very real danger in another way coming to the forefront.

I just need the world to pause for a couple of months or so while I just go into a snuggle pile. That might get me back towards being okay. It's hard to tell. Every time I spend time with people where I'm not getting any physical touch, my brain just screams at me for quite a while afterwards. I often have to physically or mentally stop myself from touching people if I'm spending any amount of time with them. It's really, really, shit and hard.

I don't have a neat bow for this. Things are shit right now. With the world. With me. The bits of light I get are few and far between, and often go out before I get there. Hope is......fleeting. I don't really have much of it left.

But yes. For those wondering. I'd rather be dealing with all of this, while being truly me, than having to pretend I'm something I'm not. Pretending I'm straight, and cisgender, and monogamous. I don't have the energy to do that. I really, really don't.

2021. That was a year.

Well. We just had.....a year. That was indeed twelve months. Or fifty-two and a bit weeks. Or 365 days. Somehow. 

This year has continued to be strange, sometimes in the same ways as last year, other ways not so much. 

I mean, Covid has of course very much still been A Thing. Here in Sydney we had a lockdown from mid-June to aroundabout August I think? Or September? And that was......hard. Delta and Omicron have both been doing their darndest to ruin as much as they can, and fairly successfully. I still had work through all of it, thank goodness. Speaking of which, I guess let's go on to the other difficult things before we get to the good things? 

Work has been harder this year. Partly because a lot of it has been in lockdown, so work looked very different. I'm not good at doing work from home. Self-motivation is fucking hard. (Thanks, ADHD.) When we were able to come back to work, there was quite a while when we couldn't do shows at all. As a reminder, my job is basically putting on shows for kids in a museum. Without those shows..... my job basically becomes, look after the space. Pick up rubbish. Make sure people aren't breaking rules and such. That's it. Yay. 

And then, just when we were starting to bring shows back - Omicron comes along. Yaaaaay. Also, our space closes and our contracts end at the end of January, and we still haven't heard what's happening for us after that 😅 So that's somewhat shit. 

Continuing on with difficult things - in about April of this year, I separated from my partner at the time and moved into a new place. Now, there were a lot of good things involved in that transition, and I'll talk about those in a bit; but it was fucking hard having to almost immediately go through a lockdown, and this time without a partner, and me very much loving physical touch and hugs and snuggles and the like. I've slowly been able to get more bits and pieces of that as we've come out of lockdown, but not nearly as much as my brain seems to be demanding. So that's caused my emotions and energy and such to be all over the place and often down.

But. Moving on to better things.

This year is the year that a lot changed for me. I figured out a lot of it near the end of last year, but the doing of it all really happened in this year. Coming out as queer and polyamorous, separating from my partner, finding new communities to be a part of, moving into queer-affirming spaces and churches - that's all been this year. I've met so many new people, and really affirming and encouraging and accepting people, built some really lovely relationships. So many queer folks, neurodivergent folks, polyamorous folks, it's been really wonderful and amazing. I can't quite express how much people have been incredibly helpful for me this year, in so many different ways. 

And while work has had its stresses - it's certainly had its joys as well. I've loved the shows that we've done, particularly piloting Winny (a life-size Muttaburrasaurus puppet), puppet shows, and being able to do one of my own songs during song time. And now, teaching those songs to other new folks joining the team - feels pretty awesome. 

I don't really have a clue what this coming year is going to look like - as I mentioned before, work stuff is all just a bit up in the air at the moment, we don't know what's happening there yet. 

But I'm starting this year hopeful. And really, really grateful for how far I've already been able to come. I know I still have so much to learn. But I've learned a lot, from so many, in just this year. So I'm looking forward to learning more. And even more so - putting that into practice. Hopefully, Covid doesn't mess that up too much. But I guess we'll see. 

The 2020 Vision of Hindsight....

Well. This has been a year, hasn't it? I don't think I've had a year before with so much in it, for so many different reasons. So settle in for a bit - this is probably going to be a lengthy post.

The start of this year saw me preparing for a wedding, and preparing to enter into a marriage relationship with my wife, Thalia. As is fairly typical of a wedding, it tended to consume a fair chunk of our time, and plenty of things were needing to be done last minute, or sudden hurdles jumping up at us (like dogs eating all of the butterflies that were supposed to go on our cake - literally all of them!). But it ended up going well. It's hard to remember much of that day, or much of what happened leading up to it - there was just so much happening. I had good fun not telling my wife what I was going to be wearing to the wedding, though! XD I said that because I couldn't see what she was wearing, she couldn't see what I was either ;) (we had four colours for our wedding - purple, pink, green, and blue, which meant that I was wearing all of them!)

After that, we had our honeymoon down in Tasmania. And we had so much fun, and really enjoyed ourselves. It's such a beautiful place, and we look forward to heading back down there at some point (maybe to stay, who knows?). Then we started to get set up in our new place - which Thalia had already been living in for a few weeks, but it was a bit different both living under the one roof, and finding room for all of our things in this little space that was now ours. We learned quite a bit about marriage in those first weeks, and living together - there are plenty of things that you can't really be prepared for, or know how you'll react to until you're in the middle of it. You can try, of course, and I'm not saying you shouldn't take time to prepare for things, and take the time to make sure that this is what you are wanting for your relationship (because that is super important - marriage isn't for everybody, and neither is living together, and that's totally okay) - but there's always going to be an element of uncertainty there that you can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try. I think it's the same with anything new. And particularly with many Christian marriages, there's quite a bit that's new and different all at once - moving in together, sex, suddenly being around each other 24/7 rather than just in spare time, figuring out what's different in a marriage relationship compared to a dating/engaged relationship - so that can be stressful.

So, in some respects, Covid came as a blessing in disguise when it hit. It meant that we had a bunch more time together than most new couples to work through all of this. But it was still scary when it happened.

In school, you learn about big events in history, like world wars, or the great depression, or....pandemics. But you don't expect to be a part of them. And yet, here we were. Everything was shutting down, everything was going crazy - but we were doing okay, in comparison to many. My work hours didn't change; I was mostly working from home anyway, so I just changed to only working from home (which was weird, and had its own issues, but it was okay) - and my wife was working at a before-and-after school care facility, which was still operating because the school had many parents that were essential workers. So we didn't have any issues financially - which was more than many people could say. Emotionally and mentally were different stories, of course, and we both struggled in our own ways. As I've mentioned before on here, I tend to get much of my energy from interactions with people. I was having plenty of interaction with my wife, of course - but she has a wealth of health issues, which often means that she doesn't have as much energy for interaction as she'd like. And I would use a good portion of my own energy helping her with those health issues - or because she was drained, I'd feel drained. And that's not her fault, or something she could do anything about; that was just how things were. But not being able to go out and interact with other people, and get energy from them, was challenging.

I think that's why, in the latter half of the year, I prioritised so much moving into a job that would mean I was interacting with people. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to find something - so many people were trying to find work, and not getting anywhere - but I applied for two positions, and got both of them. I can't really tell you how, I'm not sure how it worked out either. But it did. One I didn't end up liking, and so I finished up with it pretty quickly - but the other one I'm still doing now, working at a museum in Sydney. It's a really old building, and a great team I'm working with, and I get to have fun with kids for much of my working days. So I'm really enjoying it.

For my other work at church this year, I had to learn a bit of a new skillset - we did church online via Zoom, and that meant figuring out how to do music online through that. We tried doing it live at first, but the audio quality was always pretty atrocious. So we quickly moved to pre-recording - and, because of Covid, each person in the band did the recording at their house, and I put the videos together. I've been using DaVinci Resolve to do it this year, which has worked fairly well, and I've enjoyed fiddling with it - for a free software, it's pretty great, but it does have its bugs. It was fun to play with, though, and it let me do some bits and pieces that you can't really do with a live performance. As some restrictions lifted, we moved to recording as a group in the church, even using multiple camera angles - which looked pretty good, if I may say so. Youth group online was interesting as well, but it went pretty swimmingly - and we had good numbers through the whole stint of doing things online. We've gone back to in-person services over the last month and a bit, and it's been going well so far - the situation is under control enough in Australia that that's been doable, and it's been nice seeing people again.

Over this year, having a lot more time to myself, it's also helped me to explore myself quite a bit more. I've embraced my autism and neurodivergence a lot more - I think working as part of a company that helped to employ people on the spectrum helped with that quite a bit, and I'm grateful for that. I'm finding more and more people that I connect to - content creators and the like - that are on the spectrum and speaking about issues relevant to autistics or ND (neurodivergent) folks, and that's been awesome. There's more I've been exploring as well, that's connected in many ways - but that will need to wait for a bit before I talk about it publicly. Some things need a bit of processing time.

This year I started seeing a psychologist again, and then a counsellor. And that's been really helpful. It's hard to define the negative impacts that this year has had, because there have been so many things happening at once. It's difficult to isolate the issue, when nothing is isolated. That's the complexity of psychology, I suppose.

I was also part of an amazing production of Death Of A Salesman with Campbelltown Theatre Group, which went fantastically - sold out performances! It was fantastic being part of great theatre once again, and I really enjoyed working with many old friends. And I'm looking forward to hopefully doing so again in the new year.

....which brings us to tomorrow, and 2021. The new year. In some ways, it's hard to know what to expect. This year has thrown so many curveballs, it feels unwise to set too much in concrete. But I'm grateful to still have the work that I have - and to have work that I enjoy doing, for this season at least. I'm grateful to be able to spend time with people I enjoy being around, and to look forward to more of that. I'm looking forward to exploring myself more, and better defining what that means and looks like for me. I'm looking forward to more time with my wife, and supporting her in the work and studies that she's pursuing. I'm looking forward to supporting a couple of young guys at my church, who I've known since they were in year 8, as they come to finish high school next year and themselves look forward to the next chapter of life. But as with most years, there's plenty of uncertainty, and things I don't know. For the most part, though, I'm looking into this next year with positivity.

A couple of last things before I wrap this up. Firstly; most people do fireworks and staying up until midnight as their New Years thing. I'm not much of a fireworks person, though - so instead, I watch the first sunrise of the new year with my wife. It's a tradition I've borrowed from a good friend of mine, that I very much treasure. Perhaps something for you to consider as well?

And secondly - the new year is always tinged with sadness for me, because four years ago, on January the 2nd, my cousin died. He wasn't much older than me. He died in a car crash, and as far as we know, not for anything that he was doing wrong (not speeding, drinking, anything like that). It served as a startling reminder to me that life is extremely fragile, and precious. You never really know which day will be your last, or what the next day will bring. So I don't tend to plan for years in the future - because I don't know if those years will ever come. I don't know if next week will even come. But each day, I try to look back and ask myself - "If I died today; what is one thing I did today, that I would be grateful that I had done?" Most days, I can think of something. But most days, I know there's also plenty that I leave until the next day - or I'm not as other-focussed as I could be, or using the precious time I have as well as I could. But I can't change what I did yesterday, or what has gone before. All I can change is what I do now, and into the future. It's a hard thing to balance - but I hope that this coming year, I can be better at doing that. How about you?

On Hope.

Well.

The world has gone a bit crazy over the past couple of weeks. For those living under a rock, or if you happen to be reading this in the future (hey future people!), coronavirus AKA Covid-19 is currently taking its toll worldwide.

I was going to write a post more around the facts and myths surrounding the virus - because there seems to be a fair bit of misinformation about - but I don't know if that's what people need right now. Rather, I think what people need is hope.

Because it's easy to laugh it off, and say that it's probably not going to affect you, and poke fun at the people panic-buying and post photos of toilet paper saying you'll sell it for a dollar a sheet. But, more and more, people are realising that this is going to affect them directly. If you don't get sick, people you know will. Probably most people you know. If you don't lose your job, people you know will. Some companies will close down, and some businesses will more or less cease to exist, as more and more restrictions are put in place.
Here in Australia at the moment, there's a ban on all outside gatherings of 500 or more people, and all indoor gatherings of 100 or more people; and international travel has been suspended. You also can't get into Australia any more if you're not a citizen/resident. Even interstate travel has slowed down. Aged care homes are limiting visitors. I think those are the main points.

It can feel very crushing. A lot is happening all at once, and even if you're someone who "likes change" and "goes with the flow", this isn't generally the change or flow you're talking about. It can feel like there's not any end to it, because it just keeps getting worse (even though there are already ideas about how long it might last - say six months or so).
Panic is easy. So is ignorance. Neither are good or helpful responses. We don't want people hoarding like crazy; but by the same token, we don't want people thinking it's not an issue and just going out and living their lives like normal as if nothing's wrong. There needs to be a happy medium of rational caution; where we hold both hope and comprehension together. On the hope side, we need to be looking to the future, and remembering that this isn't permanent. On the comprehension side, we need to be understanding the possible dangers, as well as the dangers already present.

I don't want to speak too much to the comprehension side of things at this time. Perhaps I will some other time. But I will speak to hope.
Hope comes from seeing good in the future. It's about looking positively forward, believing, trusting, in a future that is good. It can be specific, or it can be general. But it can also be easily blocked, if we have a short view.

To illustrate, I'll use an example from The Hobbit. If you haven't read it, this won't spoil anything in particular (though you should definitely go read it). There's one point where Bilbo and the dwarves are in the middle of this forest. And it's rather big, and they've been going for days, and they're rather lost. So they send Bilbo up one of the trees to get a better view, to see if he can see the edge of the forest. But when he gets up there, it looks like the forest continues to every horizon.
However, the narrator kindly tells us that they are in fact in a valley, a bowl of sorts, so it merely gives the illusion that it continues forever; were they to head in this or that direction for a while and repeat the experiment, they would have very different results. However, instead, the group loses hope. Because they don't have perspective. They're focusing on the immediate situation. (Which, considering what they've been through, is understandable, I will admit.)

Similarly, if we focus on the situation at hand, it's easy to lose hope. But if we shift our focus further afield, then we can retain that hope. And we can do that in a couple of different ways.
Firstly, we can remember that this is just a season. A strange and difficult season, yes, that we're not sure exactly how long will last; but everything we know says it won't last forever. That there will be an "other side", that we will get through it, one way or another. So we can focus on that, and on how we're going to make things better for when we do emerge out of this.
Or secondly, we can focus on something that doesn't change. In my experience, that's God. He might change what he does, or how we see him - but who he is is unchanging. He is life. He is love. He is light. He is truth. And he is hope, and joy, and peace. And that is an unshifting, firm foundation amidst the chaos - which means that, through anything, through all things, I can have hope. And, when I remember that, I do. I can forget, sometimes, and lose hope. But that isn't because he's changed - it's because I've changed my focus.

I'm not intending for this to be preachy. I just recognise that in this time, there are many people that are struggling. And I want to help.
We might be feeling alone - but we are going through this together, as the human race. This affects all of us (provided you don't happen to live in a bunker). And so we need to get through it together, though it might seem to be separating us. Together, we have hope. Together, we can make it. Let's support each other, let's help to keep each other hopeful. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and it's not just the train.
I'm still believing in a bright future. Perhaps more so than before. I hope that you will join me.

2020, and beyond.

We're now pretty solidly into the new year. Usually, I would have done some sort of new year post by now, but things have been pretty crazy, what with a wedding coming up on Saturday and all.....mine, that is, for those not in the know! But yeah, it's 2020. (insert mandatory vision-related pun here)

And yeah, I'm getting married in two days. In hours, it's.....41 hours, as of when I write this. I believe I introduced my wife-to-be at some point to you bloggers - if you've missed the ball, her name is Thalia (pronounced the same as Tahlia, it's Greek), and she's lovely (but I'm not biased at all). After we get married, we're heading down to Tasmania for about two weeks for our honeymoon. Pretty much everything is organised, thankfully (you'd hope so, two days out!) - though it has been a bit last-minute with some things. But everything is paid for, we have a house to live in (which is also really lovely), and honeymoon is organised (well, car, flights, and place we're staying are organised - we don't really have a strict itinerary).

After we get back, though, things will be rather different. Both of us have moved out of home before, but not into the same room as somebody else. Certainly not into the same bed as somebody else! The last time I was regularly sharing a room was 2007. I have shared a bed occasionally, but not often. It's going to be a fairly new experience for both of us. Then there's a new house to get used to - and sort through (we have a lot of stuff) - and jobs to get back to (yay!). Life likes putting lots of big things together.

We have some ideas about what life together could look like, and a fair bit of it we've talked through with each other and with friends and such. We've done premarital counselling as well, which was very helpful. But really, we're going to be making it up as we go. There are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of things that we're not sure about. Things that we'll have to find out when we get there. The future is murky, just like our view of the first sunrise of the year was.

For myself, I have work. And beyond that? I don't know. There are many things that I could do, or that I might want to do, or that I have ideas about. But it can be hard knowing which of them I might be able to do, or which I should do. Bit of a constant issue I've had, really. For Thalia, she'll be able to start casual teaching soon (well, half-way through the year), which she's looking forward to doing. She's also got a big prac coming up, which is going to stretch us thin pretty early. But it will be a good strength test, so to speak.

It might be 2020, but our vision certainly isn't. (Heheh....I got there) But that's okay. We don't journey alone, and our Father sees all of it ahead of time. He'll reveal the steps as we go.

Inclusive and Exclusive People

If you haven't heard about the horrible events over in Christchurch the other day....it's pretty grim. Basically, a guy from Australia (yes, our own country) went over to a mosque with guns, and shot pretty much everyone he could see. There are near fifty confirmed dead, and more wounded. He livestreamed the event, and uploaded the video to social media.

Let me be clear. This is an act of terrorism. The sad fact is, we are already getting people who are saying different. Who are demonstrating their Islamophobia, and saying that Muslim immigration should be restricted. I'm looking at you, Fraser Anning. To those outside of Australia - he's one of our Members of Parliament. Yeah.

This wouldn't be happening if they didn't think there was an audience for it. If they didn't think that there was a strong group of supporters behind that opinion. And that's the scary thing. Not that we have a rogue MP who has terrible views; we're used to that sort of thing by now. Heck, these days we're used to that in our presidents and prime ministers.....but that's the problem. These people wouldn't be in power if there wasn't the numbers there to support them and their ideas.

Which means, chances are, you know people that think this way. There are probably people that are reading this blog post who think this way. (Assuming they haven't stopped reading by now, that is.) Exclusive people. And it doesn't really matter who it is that they exclude. Whether it's by religion, race, gender, sexuality, mental or physical health - people that want nothing to do with a certain group or groups of people, and think that they shouldn't be a part of their country. Or sometimes, their world.

This isn't okay. If it isn't obvious - in today's world, we are becoming increasingly connected by technology. We are more and more in each other's backyards (metaphorically speaking), but also more and more seeing movement around the world from country to country (literally speaking). Australia has (apparently) prided itself on being a multicultural country; but more and more, this won't be just an Australian thing. Communities won't be able to seclude themselves, and peoples will be mixed that haven't mixed before. Tensions will be raised, and cultures will mix and mash in strange and different and amazing ways.

In all of this, we need people of inclusivity, not exclusivity. People that are willing to include others, regardless of their background or who they are. Because, at the most basic, we are all human. We are all different, but we are all the same. We need to come together, not be split apart along lines of country, or race, or religion, or gender, or whatever else. Particularly when our world is groaning and falling apart because of what we've been doing to it over the last centuries.

We need inclusive people. And I very much hope that you are - or that you can be - one of those.

Introducing...! and Giving Back.

Well. I haven't posted in quite a while, folks, so sorry about that! This cat's been ridiculously busy. Work have decided to put me on five days a week, I have one play that's a month away from performances, another I'm the assistant director for which is a month away from auditions, and two youth groups and a bible study I'm helping lead. Oh, and doing songs more regularly at the morning service now.

And....I may have someone to introduce to you all as well :) Her name is Thalia. We've been dating for....about five weeks now. Yeah, it's a little bit crazy! I'm still regularly wondering whether I'm dreaming or not. But I'm fairly certain that I couldn't have made her up. Or at least, that if I had, she would have been very different. I think. Anyway! She's rather awesome (but also rather crazy, because she likes me), and we're - well, a bit keen on each other. Probably putting it rather mildly. But you get the picture ;)

Quick points out of the way - we met at church, she asked me out (told you she was crazy), our first date was a movie, and we've both met each other's parents (and it went fairly well!). But that's not so much what I want to talk about. I mean, I do want to talk about her, don't get me wrong, I could probably talk your ear off about her - but I had something in particular that I've noticed recently that I wanted to comment on.

I feel like Thalia has given so much to me, just in herself, and of herself. And that's very much a constant thing, which makes me rather grateful for her. But more than that, it makes me want to do something to give back. So I get her tickets to an event, or I give her flowers, and I plan these ahead of time. I start thinking about the different things that I could do for her, to give back a little of what she continually gives to me. (I can't say too much about the things I'm thinking of, or she'll read this and it won't be a surprise!)

But then I thought - hang on. What God gives me, and has given me (and knowing Thalia, she would completely agree with me here) completely surpasses anything that Thalia gives me, or anything that she could give me. And yet, I don't have this same attitude of giving back that I do with Thalia. And I think a lot of us don't.

We may know what God has done - we may be reminded of it regularly at church - but how do we show our thankfulness, our gratitude towards him for that? Do we think of ways that we can please him, give back to him? Do we invest our time, invest our skill, into doing something for him? Or do we just sing the songs on Sunday, and that's about it?

This is something that has really challenged me, and I hope it challenges you as well. At the same time, though, not trying to earn God's love through what we do - because that's not how he works - but wanting to do things to make him happy. I think. It's a bit confusing still for me, I think! Need to spend some more time thinking on it. But hopefully people can get something out of that reflection.

Strong Women.

Today is a rather significant day. It's International Women's Day. Or at least, it will be when this is posted. I'm writing it early, while I actually have a moment. It started back in the early 1900s, with a group of thousands of women marching in New York City urging for shorter hours, for better pay, and to get the vote. It wasn't until a couple of years later, though, that International Women's Day officially started. But I love this idea that it started on the ground - with strong women. Women making a stand.

Now, I very much realise that I am a guy, talking about IWD. Which seems a bit topsy-turvy. And that's fair enough! But I think it's important that us guys are part of the movement to speak out for women, and to support them and their rights. It shouldn't be solely their responsibility. Why? Because stronger women means a stronger humanity. And a more united humanity. We can be very divided, and divisive, as a species. But when we encourage and support each other - that makes all of us stronger, not just some of us. We all share in that. As such, I'd like to take the opportunity to talk about some of the strong women in my life.

I've had some exceptional female role models over the years, and I know many women that are strong in different ways. (I mean, I have one friend who's in the army - certainly much stronger and braver than me!) There are many different examples that I could give; but for now, I'm going to stick with one. My sister.

For those who don't know, I'm the eldest of four. It went boy-girl-boy-girl. I'm going to be talking about the one that came directly after me, rather than my youngest sister. (Though she's strong in her own way as well.) Firstly in her favour, my sister had to put up with me growing up. And my brother. Though we didn't know it at the time, we bot had Asperger's happening. Then our youngest sister had Down's Syndrome. My sister was the one that stepped up to the plate. People are often surprised when I say that I'm her older brother, because she acts more like an older sister, like she was the first-born. And for good reason! I was off with the fairies most of the time as a kid. I wasn't much of a leader - so she was instead. I wasn't competitive - she was. She was always striving to be the best that she could be, in whatever she pursued - whether it was horse riding, music, Tae Kwon Do (she happens to be a black belt), or at uni. And she really was the best.

My sister was always a doer. Very smart as well, and can talk to you about things just fine - but she's about action, more than talking about it. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't care. Probably the way that I've seen her love most has been in that for her husband - yes, she's now married! - they were together for something like eight years before being engaged. I think that's about right. Maybe nine. Somewhere around there. A long time. Seeing them get married was pretty awesome, just seeing the incredible love that they had for each other, and the excitement around the day. (She'd had some things planned for a while....)

And she's been through some hard times, and difficult things. Some of those I've seen, because we've gone through them together - but most, I haven't. But I see her pushing on, regardless. Maybe I gave her a bit of my stubbornness. Or maybe I got it from her! Who knows.

My sister is one of the strongest people that I know, and I still look up to her so much. Not that I want to be like her, because we're very different people. But I have an immense respect for her, and for what she's done in life, and where she is now. At the same time, though, I could've easily done a similar story for a number of other women in my life - my mum (who is easily the other strongest person I know), many of the women that I know from church, Bible college, family friends, and many others - people who have gone through so much, and done so much, and who are so much. And I don't really have good words for that. But thank you, all of you. You have helped me incredibly in my life, in so many ways that you can't even imagine.

I find it strange that there are places where women are considered less than men, in any sense. They'll often work harder, putting in more of their own time. They care more. They often put more time and energy into their families. They have to go through more insults, more rubbish, more - everything that they just shouldn't have to go through. That really shouldn't happen in today's world, but it still does. And they stand up for themselves, and are a voice of reason, often so much more. By any logic that I can come up with, that means that they should be worth...er....oh, that's it, more! Not less. That's just absurd. Let's change the dynamic. Let's #PressforProgress. Moving towards a world and a time where women are celebrated, and treated with the respect, love, care, and admiration that they deserve. And the pay, folks.

The First Sunrise.

Apologies for inactivity on here. Was on a camp last week, and haven't been doing great since then. But thought I'd share a little story from New Year's Day with you.

I have a little tradition with the New Year where I get up to watch the first sunrise of the year. I'll note that I do this instead of watching the fireworks and staying up until midnight. I don't really enjoy fireworks that much. Last year, I did this at Pulpit Rock Lookout, following a week-long retreat, on a morning that was super foggy/misty, and you really couldn't see the sunrise at all. It was rather a good indicator of that year - last year was a winter year for me. It was a time when things were stripped away, I went back to the basics, and it took me a while to get back into things. When I had a lot of time on my hands, was retreating and resting a lot, and I often felt a bit lost or broken (more so than usual). That's winter for you.

This year, though, it was a bit different. I drove up there on New Years' Eve, and just slept in the car. When I went up, it was super misty/foggy, terrible visibility. I set my alarm so that I would be up before the sun was visible, and it really wasn't illuminating the sky much at all. I think I ended up getting to the lookout about an hour before the sunrise proper. And it was super clear, absolutely beautiful. I got to watch the whole gradual lightening of the sky over the course of that time, and eventually seeing the first spots of the sun peeking over the horizon.

To me, that was a real indication of the difference between last year and this year. Last year was winter; this year is spring. New life, new beginnings, new growth. That's what I'm holding to, though it might take a while for me to see that coming to fruition. But spring has always been my favourite.

For most of the time, I was there by myself. Shortly before the sunrise proper, another guy came along - a photographer, who set up and started to take some photos. Another fifteen or twenty minutes later, when the sun was pretty much completely clear of the horizon and I was about to leave, another group arrived.

And I found that really interesting. Because evidently, they were there for the same reason as me - to see the sunrise. But they hadn't really seen it at all. They were just seeing the aftermath. And yeah, it looked pretty cool. But it was nothing compared to the slow and grand reveal of the sun over the horizon that I'd been watching for that hour.

For me, I guess, it's another demonstration that many people are only half-way in. They want to do something cool, see something great, make a difference - but not if it's too hard. Not if it means sacrifice, or difficulty, and certainly not if it means waiting!

I think one of the biggest things that this last year has taught me is patience. It's a long, and hard lesson to learn; but it's one of the most important. Particularly in today's world. And it's one that I'm very much still learning, and I'm still not very good at sometimes (read: when it comes to relationships) - but I'm getting there. Slowly.

17/18.

Usually I try and do a double post, one at the end of the year, one at the start. Guess you're just getting them combined into one! Ah well.

2017 was a lot of things for me. Here are just a few.


Launching into the year thinking I'd be doing something straight away, and moving out soon - then getting told by God I'd be sticking around for a while. Probably most of the year. Oh yay.

Starting from a clean slate. They're rather....empty, strangely enough. Guess that's kinda the point.

Leading/speaking on my first Cru camp - a dirtbike camp. I thought it meant mountain bikes until I got there. Hey, I didn't have to ride them during the camp! Thankfully....

Wondering where to go to church, and then remembering that I'd jogged past one just down the street a few times. Hey, I know people that go here! Music is pretty nice too. And some people around my age. Yeah, this will work, at least for now.

Getting a "job" from my parents helping my sister get ready in the mornings. I shouldn't put that in inverted commas. They paid me money. But it's still slightly weird getting a job from your parents.

Wondering what on earth God was doing. Didn't you want me to be doing something, God?

Having interview after interview that I thought went rather well - and that went nowhere.

Being part of another awesome production at the Campbelltown Theatre.

Getting involved with a great charity gig called Busk For A Cure.

Going to an amazing concert over at Hope with a small group of people.

Finding a job that just got put up at a church down the road from my old school, and then getting asked to come in and have a go with the band that Sunday. Then being told I've got the job, and I can start straight away. Oh, and two of the kids were at the dirtbike camp. In my group. God, you be trolling me....

My sister getting engaged!

Giving piano lessons for the first time. Not being too terrible at it.

Getting to do a series of talks at my old school chapel around my songs and story.

Doing Sydney Writers Festival again - and playing on the piano! Seem to meet new people each year.

Finally getting a job - that won't start for another few months. Yay, more waiting!

Joining a fortnightly men's group.

Preaching a fair few times.

Doing another Cru camp - and another one! These guys seem to like me.

Doing youth group again, after quite a while....

Feeling like starting off with a "clean slate" suddenly means I've set off on an island by myself....and I've now lost most of my support structure.

Eating my hat, and having a go at a Christian dating site.

And leading on camps again, after quite a while! Though somewhat different, this time.

Starting up with OPMG. Having a fair bit of fun there.

Feeling very overwhelmed and lost.

Doing MROP. Being in way over my head. That being.....okay.

Going back to that other church to visit, because I actually have a week off, after so long - people remembering me! :)

Getting a car! After about a year of not having one.

Struggling with loneliness so, so much. Thinking that I might be good a couple of times - no, wait, it's back.

Getting a job at Hope 103.2. At Hope 103.2. I still pinch myself a little, guys.

My sister getting married.....more pinching.

Launching my second album in The Crux Project, God's Love Song. Pinching continues....

Moving out! Pinching levels at max.

Seeing the music of La La Land performed live at the Opera House. With Justin Hurwitz conducting. Yes, it was amazingly awesome.

Wondering how I suddenly got so busy....

Still feeling empty, even though things seem to going so well.

Finishing the writing of my final album in the four-part cycle, True Story.


....I did say a few, but I think most of them are up there. Oh well. I did say it would be a longer post.

2017 was a hard year in many ways - but also a growing year. It was a year of winter, and waiting, and learning patience. But it was also a year where I started to see the spring thaw setting in. And I do rather love the spring.

2018 looks to be a year of spring. I have a job that seems to be rather stable, and a church that just keeps giving me more to do. (I should probably learn to say no at some point. Maybe when there's someone else who can actually say yes.) I'm going to be assistant directing a show later in the year. I'm starting up a weekly tabletop gaming group at my place. I'm already planning the next album recording and launch. And it just feels - good. I don't really know what it has in store, but I'm really looking forward to this year. I have a lot of hope around this year. (Heh.) But I guess we'll have to see how it unfolds. After all, if this year is spring, then next year is summer - which I'm historically terrible at. But one year at a time, hey?

Okay? Okay.

Today is R U OK? day. If you haven't heard of it before, it's fairly simple. It's about asking people you know, "Are you okay?" It's about starting a conversation, making it okay to say that you're not okay. Because things like depression, anxiety, and other mental issues are not just issues for some people here and there - they're front and centre as issues that the vast majority of people will have to deal with at some point in their lives.

For me, depression has been on the table for a while now, in one way or another. There's a bit here and there in the family, so I'm probably predisposed towards it. I'm also a 4, and that's their classic struggle. But while there's always been some sort of undertone of sadness (as I talked about in this post quite a while back), I've never really thought that I had depression proper. For two main reasons; firstly, it never lasted long. It might be a day or two, on and off. Never for, say, a week at a time, or more. And secondly, I could always quite clearly communicate what it was that was making me feel down. And that seemed to me to be quite different from my understanding of proper "depression" per say.

Last year, and this year in particular, though, I think there's been more of this creeping in. Particularly recently, and in ways that I can't really explain or put a finger on. When day after day, I'm feeling sluggish, have no motivation, feel quite tired, sad, and down. Of course, it may well be partly due to not getting outside enough, and not really having work for ages. I do tend to perk up when I'm actually outside, or doing something, rather than just sitting at home by myself. Strange, that....

But whether it's caused by stuff that's going on or if it's more ingrained, there's something somewhat dangerous about it that I'm aware of. People will never notice it. Because when I'm around people, I feel good! I enjoy being around other people. (Unless I'm just in the midst of a massive crowd with no-one to connect to, or when it's just random people. Then not as much.) And so, when I'm around others, I feel a lot better than I otherwise might. But when I'm by myself, or at home, I tend to feel a lot more negative, and a lot more down.

Which makes this "Are you okay?" stuff really difficult! Because most of the time, if someone is there to ask me that - then I will be at the time, because I'm around people! But I might not be generally going okay, looking at the bigger picture. And I'm guessing that's not just a me thing - though with others, masking may be more of the problem. Either way, though, that bypasses the power of this question.

And so I guess I want to encourage people to dig a bit deeper. Don't assume that every time a person says they're okay that they are. At the moment, for myself, I think I am - but life is a bit crazy at the moment, so my emotions can be the same. They tend to get rather blown about by whatever's happening, which isn't great....

But yeah. That's enough from me for now. Are you okay? :)

Thoughts After Protospiel.

So, over the course of this weekend, I was at an event called LFG Sydney - basically a boardgame convention, that runs once a year. And as part of that convention, they hold a workshop called Protospiel. It's for board game designers, where they can bring along their prototype, show it to other designers, playtest together, and also do a quick pitch to publishers, get some feedback, etc.

There were about twelve of us there who were designers, plus a few extra playtesters. I think mine was one of the freshest - I'd been working on my game since about the end of March, whereas some of them had been going for years. Though one did have a game that they'd done in the last six weeks! And their art was incredible. (They did it themselves. Advantages of being a graphic designer/artist as well, I guess!)

Firstly, it was a lot of fun. I got to meet a bunch of other game designers, who were mostly a little older than me, see a bunch of cool games, play a few of them, and get my game playtested. It was the first real playtest - I had done a quicker one with my brother earlier in the week, but that was really just trudging through it to see what worked. I also met someone else later in the day who, after playing their own prototype, was interested in having a go at mine. It was then that it was confirmed for me that Septimus is absolutely terrible as a two-player game. For the earlier playtest, there had been four players, and it had been quite fun; this wasn't fun. For the first little while, it was okay. But then, it got tiring. Hard. A bit after we got into the middle, we both called it quits.

But this is good to know! And that doesn't surprise me too much. Often in two-player games, you'd choose heroes that were on opposite sides of the board - so you're not going to go anywhere near each other (unless you're trying to) until you're right in the middle. And even then, only really if you want to. Even three players could mostly be by themselves. When we had four, they started interacting fairly well, but they still wanted that a lot more. I think the optimum number for the game would be five. I also think it could get cramped with seven, but I'm not sure.

But I got a lot of good feedback from that playtest at Protospiel. Even though there were some things that didn't work too well, they still generally enjoyed the game, and each of them could certainly see potential in it. Which is encouraging, considering how young it is! However, it really felt too much like a solo game a lot of the time. You were just doing your own little thing, and the little bits of interaction weren't really meaningful enough. And the choices you made didn't seem to matter, a lot of the time. And all the numbers in the game really worked against the story aspect of it.

And on reflecting a bit after this, I realised that what they were saying actually made rather a lot of sense. I had built the game around a particular story that I had constructed in this fictional world, where seven Heroes are sent into a Maze, each starting at different corners, all trying to get to the centre. And, in that story, they wouldn't really interact much. That's not the point. I mean, they are trying to get to the centre first. But they can't see how anyone else is doing - it's the Middle Ages, there aren't trackers or anything! It's just them and the Maze. Which isn't really that great if you're trying to do a multiplayer game, strangely enough! But could be really interesting for a single-player experience.

But then, I've also got this world that I've already put a lot of effort into building, and these seven factions, the Septem Septimus, and the different flavours, playstyles, etc., that they have. (It's really rather similar to the MTG Colour Pie, for those who play Magic.) And that was certainly one of the points that different people all really liked, and thought was interesting. So that's a world that I can create other experiences in, other games in. Maybe a seven-player co-operative game. Maybe a simpler, smaller game for a few people. Maybe quite a few different games! I don't really know yet. But there are a lot of possibilities that arise from that.

So yeah. Don't have any plans just now. I've been intensely working on that over the last week - well, and further back than that, to get it ready in time - so I'm going to take a break from it for a bit, more than likely. But I'll come back to it before too long, and then we'll see what we come up with :)

Every Day I'm Buskerin'

Okay, that's a terrible title. Oh well. Deal with it.

I'm a bit behind on my posts. Hopefully I'll have one up about the Sydney Writer's Festival before long, and another one about something else. But thought I'd do this one now.

On Saturday, I went and played on a keyboard in Camperdown Memorial Park in Newtown. Well. I brought the keyboard with me, and played on it. But you know. It was my first time busking with a keyboard, for various reasons. Power is a bit tricky. And you can't really take it on the train. But that wasn't the important thing, though it was pretty cool. Neither was it important that it was the first time I'd played a gig in about nine months or so, or that I hadn't played some of those songs in ages. Or at all in public. Though that was cool too.

No, the important thing was that it was for Busk For A Cure. To those of you who aren't aware, Busk For A Cure is an annual charity music festival that happens over at Newtown around this time each year. It's still in the early stages - last year was the first time it had some decent organisation happening, and so this year we had some good foundations to build on. I had heard of BFAC before, but hadn't gotten involved - but this year, they needed a few extra people on board, so I put my hand up :) Since then, I've been running the blog over here, and also working on a couple of press releases and such, as well as other bits and pieces. And it's been pretty awesome.

So that all came to a head this Saturday just past, when we got together in Newtown and made some noise! Well, music, hopefully. People seemed to like it (for the most part), which was good :) There were a few hiccups, as inevitably occurs with these sort of events. When you have fifty artists across five stages across the whole day, something is bound to go awry. But it all got sorted one way or another, and it seemed to go really well. We're still waiting on the final tally - that's happening tomorrow - but I'm feeling really positive :)

All the money raised goes towards both Cancer Council NSW and Crohn's & Colitis Australia, we don't keep anything for costs and the like. We have sponsors to cover all of that, as well as a great team of volunteers. It got started and is being run by Helmut because of his mother, who suffered from cancer. And it's pretty darn awesome. I'm super-stoked to have been involved with it this year, and am already looking forward to next year :)

If you are interested in getting behind this cause, you can still donate to support BFAC here.

The Last Night.

I got home quite late last night, and realised that this would've been about the time that Jesus was on trial with the Sanhedrin. It got me thinking about the events of that evening. Below are three little snippets, of a similar space in time, but each from a different point of view.
NB: these are completely fictionalised, and not meant to be an accurate representation of what happened, nor will they necessarily perfectly align with what is written in the gospels. Give me a little creative license. They're meant to provoke thought and to see this in a different light.

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It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I knew that I needed to do something. Jesus was - out of control. Driving people out of the temple? Saying that it would be destroyed? Even coming back to Jerusalem - when the people here had tried to stone him before. Something had to be done.
So I talked to the priests, and they said they could help me. I didn't want them to hurt him....I didn't want them to hurt him....
I told them not to send soldiers with me. I said it was pointless, we never had any weapons. But they insisted. I should have left then. But instead, I led them to him, a wolf in amongst the sheep....
And a kiss. Betraying him - with a kiss. I can't forget how he looked at me. Like he knew. He knew. But how? How?
It all went so wrong from there. They took him and beat him, imprisoned him - this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I meant to happen! But then, what did I expect?
I threw their dirty money back at them. It felt like a dead weight in my hands. Each footstep felt like a struggle. I wept openly. What had I done?
I couldn't bear it. I couldn't look at him. He....he saw right through me. I had to escape. To escape this anguish and misery. To give myself what I deserved for this. I knew where they would take him now. To his death. It will be mine as well.

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It wasn't supposed to be like this.

We had just marched victoriously into Jerusalem, triumphant, secret no more, people finally seeing Jesus for who he was. They finally got it. We had been hiding and running from town to town for so long - but now, we were here, in Jerusalem, announcing our arrival! We felt like kings. We did feel a little scared at first, because we knew that the people hadn't received Jesus so well there before - but we didn't need to be. They were laying down their cloaks, waving palm branches, shouting praises to Jesus.
And then we celebrated the Passover with him - and he said it was going to be our last meal together. We didn't understand - where was he going? And then he said that one of us would betray him - and that we would all leave him. I told him emphatically, that I never would. That I would stand by him until the end. How could I have known what was going to happen?
Later that evening, everything changed. Men came in with swords and clubs, led by that dog Judas, and arrested Jesus. We ran. All of us. We feared for our lives. But I tried to follow them at a distance, to see what would happen to Jesus. They took him into the house of the high priest, and a few others started a fire outside to keep themselves warm. It seemed it would be a long night. It was quite cold, and so I drew a little closer to the fire. One of the serving girls spotted me, and declared, "You were with that man Jesus!" They had just arrested him. I still feared for my life. The response was instinctual. "I don't know him." I tried to hide myself. A little while later, someone else accused me, but I was again too scared. I denied it. A third time, just as Jesus was coming out, another spoke to me, saying, "Certainly, you were with him. You are from Galilee." I exclaimed in panic, "I don't know what you are talking about!" The rooster crowed. Jesus turned and looked at me. Or rather, looked through me. How could he have known?
I ran, and I wept. I had abandoned my closest friend. How could I look on his face? How could I stand his gaze?

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It happened just as my Father said.

I drew my brothers together for a final meal. They still did not understand, but they could sense the importance of the occasion. I shared the bread and wine with them for the last time. I sent Judas, whom I loved, to do what he must. Then I told them what I had known since I first saw them - that they would leave me, at the end. Peter, of course, headstrong as he is, said that he would always stand with me, even if everyone left. I looked at him sadly, for I knew the truth. "You will deny me three times, Peter."
We went to Gethsemane. I have always loved the place, and I needed some time to be with my Father. I knew what I must do - but I needed his strength, that night. They were many long hours. I was glad of the company of the three beside me, even if they could barely keep their eyes open. I prayed fervently, for my flesh was weak. I knew what lay before me, and part of me was scared. But my Father gave me strength.
Then he came, with the crowd. So much noise. I think they expected a fight, with all the weapons they brought. Everyone else ran when I went with them.
They took me to the high priest, who questioned me, and insulted me. I stayed silent. Everything was already decided. I knew that, even as he was speaking, Peter was just outside, denying me; Judas, running away. My heart ached for them.
They led me back outside, and I saw Peter for the last time. It broke him. Forgive him, Father. He does not yet understand. But soon, he will.

It is only Friday. And the sun has not yet risen.

From horizontal to vertical.

At some point, I need to talk about this year. Because I haven't really done that yet. But that's for another post. This one is about tomorrow.

Tomorrow, for those of you who aren't aware/forgot/didn't want to be reminded, is Valentine's Day. I'm doing this post early for three reasons: firstly, because I feel like writing something; secondly, so that you can read it and process it before the day; and thirdly, to be a little nudge to the guys who have forgotten again.

I've done a couple of posts over the last year talking about how I'm in a season at the moment where God has asked me not to pursue anyone romantically, and the difficulties of that, and how I generally failed at it last year. Funnily enough, I'm continuing on with it this year. Not because I'm a sucker for punishment, but because this is important. And I want to get somewhere with it. Yes, part of me wants to be in a relationship. But I don't want to be if I'm not ready for it - because that's just going to make things worse for both of us (whoever the other person happens to be).

And, as I talked about in the second post I linked back there that I did at the end of last year, it's not about just trying to stop. Because that really never works. With anything. Seriously. Rather, it's about refocussing, and doing something better. Going from the horizontal - person-to-person - to vertical - person-to-God. Which is weird, and hard. But I'm getting there. And it doesn't mean not connecting with people. If anything, it means the opposite! We are, after all, the image of God - if you want to see and understand God, and know what he's like, look at people. Of course, there are issues with that, because we're rather changeable and flawed. But God rather likes working through that anyway, and doing incredible things there. Over the last six days, I had catch-ups with people every day - most of which were spontaneous, people getting in touch with me and wanting to catch up, which is crazy, because that basically never happens for me.

But I think God is trying to show me something through that. Reminding me that when I am loving people - I am loving him. That each person is precious to him. That I am precious to him, and loved by him incredibly. And the more that I dive into that, and embrace that - the less that I feel the need to have a romantic relationship with someone. Oh, it's still there, he isn't done with me yet. But slowly - slowly - I'm getting there.

So for the couples tomorrow - have a great time, but also remember that God romanced you first. And for those singles out there - don't get too down. Because there is one who romances you like you wouldn't believe. He knows your name, and will always chase after you. Always.

Being Aussie.

Well. We've got Australia Day coming up. There's always a bit of discussion about whether we should be celebrating Australia on this day or not, but I thought I'd talk about something else in this post. Basically, the phrase, "That's just un-Australian." Usually applied to someone who perhaps, isn't fond of meat pies, or isn't much of a swimmer, or doesn't drink beer, or doesn't watch AFL or State of Origin, or isn't a big 'snag on the barbie' fan.

And there are some - well, many, really - people who can get quite passionate about this. Who will really take a bit of offence if you call yourself Australian, but haven't had pavlova. But really - all these things don't actually matter that much. And to me, really don't define what being an Australian is. It's not about shortening every second word, or cussing like a sailor, or having an accent as broad as the Nullarbor.

But there are, to me, a few things that do define being Australian.
Firstly - sharing. "For those who've come across the seas, we've boundless plains to share." We have one of the most multicultural societies you'll see. And I think that's something to be insanely proud of, and something we should keep pushing to grow, not stamp out or be afraid of.
Secondly - friendship. Being there for your mates, your friends, is something distinctly Aussie and awesome. Let's keep doing that.
Thirdly - comedy. We love to laugh. Even though I'll admit we're as likely to laugh at you as with you (which is something to work on), we do it with a good heart. We're good at still being able to have a laugh in the worst of things, and that's pretty great.
Fourthly - stories. We are a nation of stories and storytellers; and this goes back long beyond us whitefolk. We're not the first folks here by a long shot! So many tribes and tongues have been telling stories under these stars for thousands of years before we got here.
Fifthly - freedom. As much as we'll complain about this or that, there are so many freedoms that we have in this country, and opportunities that would be impossible anywhere else.

I think these are things to celebrate, and perpetuate, much more than beer and meat pies. I think these are things that anyone can understand and connect to, and things that I love about this country. And I hope that these will stay true for many a year to come. These are what it really means to be Aussie.

World Autism Awareness Day talk

Hey folks! Again, been a while. Not long ago I did a talk at an event my family does each year, a high tea to raise funds for down syndrome, and also to raise awareness. But this year, they also did it to raise awareness for autism, and that's what I spoke on. I had a lot of people telling me that the talk was really good, so I thought I'd put it up here with the various links and videos that I used. Hope you find it helpful!

Hello everyone. My name is Brendan - chances are you already know me - and I’m part of the Raymond family. As you’re probably aware, this year we’ve decided to expand today to include not just Down Syndrome, but also Autism. This was a very intentional decision, made because - well, it runs in the family. But also, more and more in today’s world, we’re seeing it pop up and become increasingly common. So it’s good to actually understand it a little.

Initially, though, a couple of disclaimers. Firstly, my experience and knowledge mainly centres around high-functioning autism, or what was known as Asperger’s Syndrome. My knowledge and experience of low-functioning or classic autism is fairly limited - I’m hoping that I’ll be able to cover both in what I say, but chances are there will be more of the former.

Secondly, we found out about autism in about 2012. By that time, I was nearly twenty. When we went to the psychologist, he essentially said that I probably had Asperger’s in the past, and I still thought in much the same way, but I didn’t really have it any more. So that’s me.

For those who are completely in the dark about what autism, Asperger’s, or any of this means, I’ll give you a quick run down.

The big umbrella term they’ve come up with is Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. That covers classic Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, as well as a couple of others that I really don’t know much about.

“In simple terms, autism occurs when a child has trouble communicating and understanding what people think and feel. This makes it very difficult for autistic children to respond to gestures, facial expressions, touch and even language.”

People with ASD can:

• Be oversensitive or undersensitive to particularly sensory material (sight, sound, smell, touch, taste)
• Have repetitive body movements
• Avoid eye contact
• Display strong attachment to particular objects
• Be resistant to even small changes in routine; things need to be the same
• Be oversensitive or undersensitive to physical touch

There is a lot more than that to it, but that’s some of the main thrust of it. One of the main differences between classic autism and Asperger’s is that autistic people often have developmental delays and difficulties with language; whereas Aspies don’t, and may well excel mentally, but still have difficulties emotionally and socially.

As a note - the last estimate for how common autism was in Australia was about 1 in 100. In America, they think it’s closer to 1 in 70. And if you’re wondering, those numbers are a lot higher than they used to be. And we see that reflected a lot in popular culture - how many TV shows or movies are now centred around this idea of an incredibly smart person who solves the puzzle through their massive brain power, but seems very crazy and just doesn’t get along with people too well? Sherlock Holmes is the classic example, but there are many others. The Mentalist, Bones, The Finder, The Imitation Game, Lie To Me, The Big Bang Theory - even characters like The Doctor, or Spock, can be seen as having traits common to autism or Asperger’s. The nerd is the word, people!

But I want to get rid of some common ideas that people have about autism, or Asperger’s.

Vaccines cause Asperger’s.

This is possibly the most damaging myth that has ever been circulated about autism, or Asperger’s. It started about 18 years ago, with a guy called Andrew Wakefield, who published an article in an English medical journal talking about a link between autism and the Measles, Mumps and Rubella vaccine. But there was an investigation into it, and they figured out that he made up a lot of the data, and was also getting a bit of money on the side for some of the things he was doing. His paper was retracted and his medical license was taken away, but the damage was already done. These days, because of the people that are against vaccinations, we’re starting to see a resurgence in some diseases that had been basically eradicated before.

At the moment, scientists aren’t exactly sure what causes autism. They know it has a lot to do with how the brain grows and matures, and it also has a strong link to genetics. But more than that, they’re still trying to figure it out. But it’s not about vaccines! If you’d like to know more about this, after today, I’ll be putting a link up on the event page and on my profile that links to a comic that talks about this really well.

(Or you can just find the link below.)

https://thenib.com/vaccines-work-here-are-the-facts-5de3d0f9ffd0 

Autism only effects males.

This one is pretty common as well. The thing is, it effects more men and boys than it does women and girls, but there are still plenty of girls on the spectrum. The struggle is, a lot of the time they’re better at hiding it! So they can be very much under-represented by the statistics and the numbers. It can also effect boys and girls very differently, and people are more used to how it effects guys, and so recognise it more. But it does also effect females, and we’re getting better at seeing it.

People with autism are emotionless.

Now, I’ve talked about a lot of fairly recent references to autism or Asperger’s in film and TV. But I want to use here an example that isn’t typically connected to either of these, that’s a little bit older. But I think it’s actually a classic example. And I also think it’s something that you’ll know well. 

(The link is below. If you want you can watch all of it, but I just showed it from the 2:47 mark.)

https://youtu.be/pgGJGEZ23zo?t=2m47s

Andy Dufresne. Convicted by the court of murdering his wife and another man she was in bed with. And his face….was expressionless. You didn’t see any emotion there. “You strike me as a particularly icy and remorseless man, Mister Dufresne. It chills my blood just to look at you.”

Aspies and autistic people are not without emotion. Where they can struggle is with understanding emotion, communicating emotion, showing emotion - but that doesn’t mean that they don’t feel anything. It can mean that they don’t understand what they feel, or they don’t show what they feel, or they don’t say what they feel - but that doesn’t mean that they don’t feel.

(Since doing this talk, I've actually watched through The Shawshank Redemption again, and found another great scene that speaks to this as well - it's right near the end, where Andy has just finished his massive time in solitary, and he and Red are talking, sitting down against a wall. Andy talks about how his wife said that he was a hard man to know, and he feels that he drove her away. Another interesting point.)

All autistics are savants.

Often, in these TV shows and movies, these people have ridiculous mental abilities that almost seem supernatural. Whether it’s incredible memory, or powers of deduction and analysis - and that’s what we hear about in the news as well. People creating these incredible works of art from memory, or sitting down at a piano and being able to play anything, or knowing a hundred languages. But savant autism is actually extremely rare, and the exception rather than the norm. This does not mean that many autistic people are not very talented - but being a savant is a very extreme version of this, that is the exception rather than the rule. Here again, I love looking at Andy Dufresne, because he’s not particularly exceptional in how he’s depicted. And I actually really encourage you to go back and watch The Shawshank Redemption sometime, and see if you can spot the little indicators here and there.

I’d like to end by looking at another video. I think a lot of the time, parents of Asperger kids, or autistic kids - or even adults on the spectrum, can worry about something. And with ASD, the main worry isn’t work. I mean, that is an issue, particularly with classic autism, but I don’t think it’s the main issue. The main issue that people can worry about, I think, is relationships. How they’re going to relate to friends, people at work, even their own family - whether a romantic relationship will ever work out for them. Social interaction, and emotional communication are one of the biggest obstacles for people on the spectrum. And you really don’t have to look very far on the internet to find a lot of examples of people who have been or are in a relationship with someone on the spectrum who are finding it really, really, hard. And it is, I’m not going to cotton-wool it. It is hard, and it is difficult. But it can work.

Living with autism can be hard. So can living with someone with autism - feel free to ask any of the girls in my family, I’m sure they’ll have lots of stories for you! But just like anyone else - these people have something to offer. They have gifts, strengths, weaknesses, challenges. They’re people. Different people - both different from each other and from everyone else - but still people.

And that’s what I want you to remember.