Barriers.

I think I talk around this topic a fair bit, but I feel like writing this out. I guess maybe there's a reason I write about it so much....

There are a lot of things that I love to do. And that I'm good at doing. Like music; playing it, writing it, singing, that sort of thing. Speaking, I'm good at doing that - getting up in front of a crowd and presenting, even at basically no notice. Acting; plays, musicals, love 'em. I've done some screen work too, but it's really not the same. Writing - I mean, that's what I'm doing now. It's what I do with music, what I used to do with stories (I really can't remember the last time I wrote a story, it might have been back in uni), what I do sometimes with poetry, what I've tried a couple of times with theatre. I also love things like cooking, and languages, and board games, and hiking, and camping, and puzzles, and reading, and more, but I'm not quite as good at those things; or maybe they're a bit aside from the main point I'm making. Anyway.

Every now and then, I have brief moments where I'll get to do one or more of these things for people. Sometimes that's just sitting down to play a song to somebody; sometimes it's doing a Sydney Fringe show; sometimes that's getting up and doing a dramatic reading of something; sometimes it's doing an audition; sometimes it's people reading something I've written. And people will go, "hey, that's good!" Depending on the person, there might even be some surprise there, like, "where did that come from?" Sometimes it's more like, "we need to see more of this!" Either way, it's.....like, it's nice, of course. It's good to hear that people love it, and think I'm good at these things. But I've known that for a long time. These things are - they're what I was made to do. This is what brings me life, brings me joy. (I mean, not the only things; spending time with other people is a notable other thing that also does it, but I've talked about that in other places.) This is what I want to spend my time and energy on.

But, for multiple reasons, I don't. Or I can't.

Part of that is capitalism. All of these are things that it is very hard to get paid to do. You need to have been doing something for a long time, or know people, and also be very lucky. You need to be able to focus on this one thing with most of what you have. Spoilers, I'm ADHD, that's not happening. My brain just doesn't work that way.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write like crazy. I would be writing songs all the time, it felt like every other day. Some people might know that I've written over 250 songs. At least 200 of those are from just my time in uni and high school. But then; work happened. Most of my time, most of my energy, were out the door. I didn't have space to create with. I had become burnt out by the world; and that's been true to varying degrees for my entire working life, I think. The first year after uni, I wrote one song the whole year. It was about feeling like I was being crushed by the weight of the world, and the weight of work; Atlas.

And in this world, you can't just not work. Not if you want to be a part of the world. You want a roof over your head, you want to have food, to have water, to have electricity, a warm bed, clothes? Then get to work. How dare you think that those are basic rights, that should be free to all people..... If you can't get paid doing what you love, and you can't not get paid, it doesn't leave you with many options.

So yes. I would love to finish the queer faith musical I've been working on. I'd love to get Rainbow Religion out there more. I'd love to write the next show. I'd love to be performing more, be back on stage again, have more people hearing my music. But I'm tired. I'm burnt out. My brain isn't giving me ideas any more, most of the time. And even with what I do have, getting it out there is hard. I have to fight against burnout, I have to fight against being ADHD and autistic, I have to fight against the busyness of life. A lot of the time, I just don't have the energy for that. And so, nothing happens. I wish that wasn't true. But it is.

The other hard part about that, though - is that because I'm not doing these things as much, I'm getting drained even more. I'm losing energy faster. And I feel like the time that I have is wasted. Because I'm spending it doing other things, that feel like they don't really matter that much (read: work), rather than what I love to do and am good at doing. I have to try and not think about it too much, because it gets me feeling very depressed and hopeless and down and shitty and emotional very very quickly. It makes me literally feel like I'm wasting vast chunks of my time, just throwing it into a black hole; and that there's so much of my life that I just haven't lived. (Again, this is mainly me talking about work stuff; time with people is still great and good and helpful.) And yeah. That's hard. And I don't really know what I can do about it. But that's where I'm at. And where I've been at for a while.

Control.

Author's note: I actually wrote this post in early March 2020, but then COVID happened, and it felt like it wasn't the right time. So I put it on the shelf for a bit. And then I forgot about it, and only just found it again. I've edited the pronouns I use for God, but the rest I've left as is. I would probably phrase some of the later paragraphs slightly differently now? This feels a lot - happier and more certain - than I would typically be about things. But thought this was still worth sharing.

I'll also note that this idea isn't mine. I borrowed it from Wm. Paul Young, who talks through it in one of the chapters of his latest book, Lies We Believe About God. As with all his writing, it's challenging and controversial, but I recommend it.
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This is probably going to be slightly controversial - but at the same time, that's about normal for me.

God is in control.

That's what we hear. In songs, from the pulpit, in times of trouble and suffering, we are told, "Don't worry. God is in control."

I want to suggest that this is actually quite false. 

And by that, I don't mean that something or someone else even bigger is in control; nor do I mean that God has no power in the situations that we find ourselves in. Rather, it's a reflection on the nature of control, and the nature of God. So let's look at that, shall we? 

By control, we typically mean that someone, or something, has complete power in a situation - nothing happens without their say so, everything that happens has been okayed by them, they can do anything (within the given constraints). For instance, we might say that our boss has control over us at work, or that a teacher has control over us at school; in a less tangible way, we might say that our wallets or our phones have control over us at times.

It's important to note the difference between power and control. We often assume that the two are identical, or that one implies the other, but that's not always the case. Power is when somebody has the ability to do something in a given situation; however, they may choose to use or not use that power. But if control is not exercised, it is generally seen as being lost.

Now that we've had a look at what control (and power) is, let's look back at God, why they aren't in control, and why that's actually awesome. 

Now, I'm going to assume three things about God. You may disagree with these, but for the purposes of this argument, I'll be using them. 

Firstly, that God is essentially and fundamentally good. That they are, in fact, the origin of good. 

Secondly, that they are all-powerful. In any situation, they have the ability to do all things (barring weird anomalies like making a rock they can't lift); but again, may choose not to exercise this power at their discretion.

Thirdly, that we have been created, in their image, to be in relationship with them; yet they let us choose this freely, rather than making us robots or puppets.

Now, let us think for a moment about what a God that is in complete control would look like. 

They have created the universe, and everything in it, according to their plan. They set the stars and planets in motion, manifest gravity, light, magnetism, time, all in perfect synchronicity. And then....they make people. 

"No! You're not supposed to do that, you were meant to go the other way!" "You idiot! How could you miss that perfectly obvious sign to go and work in Africa?!" "Why do people keep making the wrong choices? I wrote it all down in a book for them!"

Hopefully you get the idea. We can't hold the ideas of a good God, a God who gives us free will, and a God in complete control, all together. We can lose the first, and have a God that is constantly angry and annoyed at their creation (though some might be forgiven for thinking this was true, from some portions of the Old Testament); we can lose the second, and believe that we're actually all robots or puppets (which some Christians do seem to believe); or we can lose the third, which brings us to a different and new understanding of who God is. 

A God who is powerful....without being controlling. 

I think our difficulty comes from the fact that we so often associate control with power. We assume that if someone has total power, then they must also have total control. Because that's what we see on earth, and what we often do. We assume the negative; absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

But if we assume this, then we forget that God is good. Completely, totally, good. Not just sometimes or a little bit, but always and completely. And so they have no desire to be in control. They have complete power; but because they have created us, and want to be in relationship with us, they don't use that over us.

You can't be in a relationship with someone that you have control over. Some would say that you can't be in relationship with someone that you have power over, either; but you can. If you choose not to use that power in that relationship, without the permission of the other person. 

And so, this is what God does. And this is what we saw Jesus doing. He didn't try and remove himself from the chaos and mess of society; on the contrary, he immersed himself in it. He would share food and drink with "sinners". He sat with the lost and the broken. And when others came against him, he didn't strive to be the loudest voice (though he could if he wanted to) - he was gentle, submissive, loving. He did not come to be served, but to serve....

But, you say. What about when I'm in a bad situation? What about when I'm suffering? Can't God help me? If they're not in control, what can they do? 

Never make the mistake of thinking "not in control" means "not powerful". God can help you in your situation, and it's what they love to do. Whatever your situation is, they are with you in it, and able to help you in ways that you cannot fathom or imagine - because they are powerful, and good, and they love you. Not because they are in control. But at the same time, just because they are powerful, doesn't mean they will do exactly what you want them to do. God is many things, but a wish fairy is not one of them. Neither are they Santa. 

They work in all situations, but often not in ways we expect, or even understand, potentially until much later.

But why is this so important? You might ask. Why is this so good? Well, if we have a God who is completely in control; then that means they are responsible for everything that comes our way. Not just the blessings, the joy, the good things - but also the bad as well. If God is in control, then you have to believe that God either lets it all happen, or even caused it to happen themselves. That's rather difficult (or impossible) to reconcile with a God who is good. And so many Christians are left believing that God is either not as good as they thought - or that all the terrible things that they are experiencing are actually, somehow, good things, and they just can't see it yet. 

But that's a load of trash. God is good. And things in life can be bad - sometimes really bad. The fact that God can make something good out of it doesn't make the original thing good; in fact, it can often highlight just how bad it was. The cross is a classic example. It was a horrific Roman torture device, and one of the worst and most painful ways to die. Yet, through the sacrifice of Jesus, it has also come to be known as a symbol of love, new life, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. That's pretty impressive. 

So, to sum up - God isn't in control. But that's actually a great thing. Because it means that they are good, and that they choose to be in relationship with us, despite our mess of choices. And I think that's rather incredible. 

The Oceans Phenomenon

If you were in a contemporary church in the mid-2010s (and possibly even if you were in a different sort of church), you probably heard the song Oceans by Hillsong. Probably many, many times. It spent a record number of weeks at the top of the Christian music charts, and kept that record going until 2019 (where it was broken by Lauren Daigle’s You Say, another song that you may know quite well even if you don’t go to church, with how much it was played on various radio stations). But why was it so popular? Why did it strike a chord with so many people, for so long? Why do I still recognise that song immediately, after strumming the opening chords today?

I mean, part of the answer to this is reach. Hillsong is a megachurch with 80 locations, and about 150,000 members worldwide, 43,000 in Australia. That’s regular attenders, though, so how many are at a church on a given weekend is probably a bit higher. When you have that sort of reach and global brand behind you, not to mention the history of the church (which was founded nearly forty years ago), it gives what you do a bit more weight. And Hillsong does music.

Now, those numbers might seem small to you, compared to numbers for things like the Anglican Church (over a hundred million) or the Catholic Church (over a billion) - but keep in mind, those have been around for much much longer (hundreds of years), and are also much larger denominations comprised of smaller sub-denominations, each with different churches. This is one church, with multiple locations. It could probably count as it’s own denomination? I’m not sure if they would think of themselves as part of a larger denomination or not (beyond Protestant), but yeah, this is a different scale we’re talking about here. And though its power these days may be fading (for various reasons, but notably in part because of the founder’s unethical conduct with a couple of women), ten years ago it was very much still in its prime. And this song is a representation of that. 

Perhaps the larger part of it, though, and what I want to focus on, is what this song is about. Because there’s a lot in here. There are themes of the unknown, failure and trouble, vulnerability and trust, rest and care.

When you've grown up with Christian worship songs, you start to notice some familiar themes. There's the "our God is the best" songs; the "thanks Jesus for dying" songs; and the "God makes us so strong" songs. There are some outliers, of course, but if you look at most of the well-known worship songs in mainstream churches, they generally fit into one or more of these three. (Perhaps with a side-theme of "we're such terrible sinners, but you saved us", typically in that second category.) The feel should either be triumphant and strong, or leave you feeling broken and weak, possibly both. (Again, yes, I am making sweeping generalisations.)

This song did something rather different, though. It didn't really fall into any of those categories that well. It was a song for people that felt scared, tired, broken, unsure, hurt; it left you feeling warm and cared for, amongst the chaos that life so often is. And the imagery that the song used was both powerful and relatable, particularly when you probably knew that story of Peter and Jesus walking on water; you could imagine yourself on that ocean, seeing the waves rising above you, and it felt like all the things that you were facing in life. But the song encouraged you to step out on to the water, to trust, to go deeper, to have faith; to rest in God's embrace. The words used are both exciting and reassuring, scary and affirming. And it was personal - written and sung from the first-person, me, I, this is what I'm going through and this what I'm feeling and this is what I'm going to do.

I think particularly when it feels like many churches can fall too easily into performative faith, and acting like things are okay, and aren't we all so holy and perfect - this song felt like a breath of fresh air to many people. It moved people in deep and powerful ways, connected to them on a level that maybe they didn't even understand. Music can reach people in ways that I think we still only guess at; and this song obviously did that, with how popular it was, and how long it lasted.

Of course, that doesn't mean there's not issues with the song, and there are probably people that would hate to hear it now, because of how much it got played before! Popularity can be a curse. But that's not the point of this post; the point was to look at and try and understand why this song became what it did. Hopefully, we've unlocked a little of that here.

On religious trauma, cycles of shame, and changing the narrative.

This one is probably going to ruffle a few feathers. But hey, I’m not going to start worrying about that now….

Trauma is a big word, and not one that I use lightly. At the same time - I am not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a trauma expert, and I am not in any way qualified to say what is actually trauma proper, as such. I haven't had an expert go, "yes, this is trauma". It's just me using a word for something that has scarred me significantly, in ways that I'm only starting to really understand properly. I'm not trying to detract from the experiences of other people who have trauma, or compare my experience to theirs. That's never helpful anyway.

With those caveats out of the way; let me tell you a story. In many senses, this is a story that I have told many times before, including here on this blog (you can go and search for those if you like, I haven’t taken them down; but I feel like linking to them directly would detract from this story I’m telling now). I've just told it very differently before, and focussed on a rather different aspect of things than what I do now. Before - it was a story about porn, and "addiction". Now - it's a story about trauma, and systems. We have a lot of systems these days that are meant to support us, but tend to end up failing us; this story, perhaps unsurprisingly, is about the church.

I grew up in the church, and in a Christian family; it was basically all I knew. Within the church, there are a lot of expectations - some of these are explicit, like "you should be supporting the church financially." Some are implicit, like "we don't say that queer people aren't welcome here, but you're going to feel rather uncomfortable." And these will be somewhat different from church to church, denomination to denomination.

But one of the expectations that is fairly common to most Christian churches and denominations - whether explicit or implicit - is no sex before marriage. Along with that typically comes the expectations of not looking at porn or fantasising about sex, and often no masturbation (though that may depend on the church/denomination). These are depicted as sinful and wrong, and depending on the church may be preached on regularly, particularly to teenage/young adult congregations, with ideas like "saving yourself for marriage" and "staying pure" and "true love waits" being rampant. The epitome of this is in what is commonly known as "purity culture", most commonly seen in America, but certainly having some influence here in Australia as well. It often includes things like teaching girls to dress more modestly so that boys won't "fall into temptation" and the like. Hopefully, dear reader, we are already seeing why this may be problematic.

Now, imagine you are a teenager in this world. Hormones are starting to rage, you're starting to notice that people are rather attractive in different ways than you noticed before, and parts of your body are.....leaking. There's rather a lot of pent-up sexual energy happening, and in this system, there is no way to healthily release that which is considered okay. (We also have this issue to some degree in the larger world, with the awkward period between when people start to get horny and when they can do something about that [with other people anyway], but we seem to somewhat ignore this? I dunno.) You're supposed to ignore it, suppress it, "pray it away". Maybe try distracting yourself with other things, or use the energy on exercise or something like that. But if that's not working, and you are still a very horny teenager - what do you do?

I started looking at porn. And rather quickly, I fell into a bit of a cycle. Look at porn -> feel shit about myself for looking at porn because I was told it was wrong -> sit in shame and the like for a while -> get horny again -> repeat. I started to look at porn more and more frequently, and at the time, started to see this as an addiction cycle. But it was a shame cycle. One that escalated into self-loathing and self-hatred, because this was clearly a horrible terrible thing that I was doing, and it was my terrible secret, and I was definitely a sick and twisted person for doing these horrible things.

The strange thing about this was, for a good amount of time, nobody knew about this. Nobody else was looking at what I was doing and telling me these things. I was looking at what I was doing, and because of what I felt the system that I was in would say, I was judging myself. I was my own judge, jury, and torturer. And I feel like I really did torture myself for it. I thought that I was the scum of the earth, and made sure that I felt like it. And - perhaps the most important thing - I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. That this was the correct and reasonable response expected of me by the system I was in, and anything less would be wrong. But - I was able to break out of that cycle. And that didn't happen by not looking at porn any more. (Shocking spoiler: I still look at porn.) It happened through connection.

There was a point where I broke the silence. Where I started to tell people, little by little, what had been happening. And as things went on, I started to discover a remarkable thing - that I wasn't the only one who had felt like this, and that I wasn't actually a horrible and terrible person. That people didn't stop caring about me and loving me, even though they knew this dirty secret. So I started to believe that too. That actually, what I've done, or even am still doing, doesn't really change how loved I am, or how worthy I am of love. And that that's true for everyone. Now, that was a cool and good thing to learn, and something that I am grateful for from that time.

Fast forward a bit to now - and this whole saga got a bit reframed, thanks to deconstruction. The traditional Christian world has a bit of a habit of demonising sex and everything to do with it; but stepping outside of that world, it's easier now to see a clearer picture. I did a comprehensive breakdown of talking about sex in various contexts in my post about polyamory and Christianity, so I won't repeat that here; suffice it to say, I don't think that sex outside of marriage is sinful any more. In fact, there are many times when sex inside of marriage can be sinful, where there's a lack of consent, where there is abuse; the focus needs to be on informed and clear consent, rather than on "are these people married?"

In terms of pornography, are there issues with it? Sure. But there are issues with a lot of things. Just because there's porn that objectifies women, or is unethical, doesn't mean that all porn is like that. There are a lot of ways that meat is produced that are now seen as unethical, but for many people, that doesn't mean they stop eating meat. Perhaps they change the sort of meat they eat, and buy ethically; or some may avoid meat entirely, and that's okay too. So yes, there are issues with porn, and it's important to address those or take steps to avoid those; but I'll leave other people to focus on that for now, because that's not the thrust of what I'm talking about here. What about porn addiction, you say? Well.....what about it? Let's look at what we mean when we're talking about addiction. We're talking about a repeated habit, either to do with a substance or an activity, that is compulsive, unhealthy, and if stopped typically causes some level of psychological damage to the individual. Was it something I was doing a lot? Yes. Was it unhealthy - affecting things like school, or work, or my own physical, emotional, psychological, or financial health? Well, it didn't affect school, or uni, or work. And what affected my health wasn't looking at porn - it was the shame, self-loathing, and self-hatred, brought on by the system that I was in. The issue here isn't porn. It's the system.

And because of this system, there's so many things that don't get talked about, and education that doesn't happen, or happens badly (like abstinence-only sex ed talks). It also means that sex work, and sex workers, can be demonised as well, or seen as victims and powerless - and while there are people that fall into the cracks because they feel like they're out of options, or are coerced into it, again, this is not representative of all sex workers. One of the things I've been grateful for as I've moved more outside of conventional Christian spaces is meeting many people that just don't exist in that space; and some of those have been people who do, or have done (in various capacities) sex work. And, surprise surprise, they are lovely and wonderful people, not unlike the other people that I've met in life. And their work is no less valid or important, just because it involves sex.

The traditional church has many issues. But perhaps one of the more pervasive, and that has affected our modern world the most, is the attitude towards sex and sexuality. It's a battle that's been fought for quite some time now, and I don't know if we can really say that anyone has won. But a lot of people have lost. And continue to lose. I wonder how many other teenagers are out there who were in a similar position to me; trapped by the system that they're in, with no healthy way out that they know. Stuck in a vicious cycle of shame, because their world has said that these things aren't okay, that this is wrong, and you should feel bad about this. I hope for a better world. I hope for a healthier world, where we can have open conversations about things, and stuff doesn't have to be scary just because it's different. I hope for a safer world, where people don't have to be afraid to talk about what they've done, or who they are, or what they like.

But it feels like that world is still a long way away. So, for now, we find our little communities. We find our pockets of safety, of peace, where things make sense. We try to speak out against the hurt. We heal those that have been wounded and scarred. We give refuge and sanctuary to those who need it. We try to change the system, where we can. And we live as best we can, in a world that is still rather crazy in so many ways.

There’s probably more that I could try to say; and there are probably things that I haven’t addressed, on both sides of things. But perhaps this is enough for now.