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Sunday, 12 March 2017

Changing The Game.

Sorry, folks, this is going to be another emotional post. Well, not actually sorry. More just giving you a heads-up if you're tired of me posting that sort of thing. All good? Okay.

I've posted a few times before on here about having a season where I'm not pursuing anyone romantically. I've also posted on here a couple of times my thoughts on being single, notably here. And honestly, folks - I'm not doing well. I'm kind of an emotional wreck sometimes. I mean, I have good days and bad days, and I do realise that this is probably just a bad day. I guess I'm just being tossed around by the emotional tides rather a lot more than I'd like.

It doesn't help that there seems to be increasing pressure to be in a relationship, both internally and externally. I go to church - pretty much everyone my age (and younger, even) is in a serious relationship, or engaged/married (including my sister, now! Engaged, that is, not married. One thing at a time! But big congrats to her :) ). When I'm at home, if my family are around, I'm feeling pressure from my parents to be in a relationship; if I'm by myself, then I'm feeling shit because I'm alone. (Hopefully, I can move out before too long. Because it's healthier for me when I've got my own space/place. But kinda need money for that. Fun stuff.) Then I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time on the interwebs, particularly the good ol' book of faces, where I either see photos of people in relationships (oh yay) or photos of people that part of me would rather like to be in a relationship with (double yay). Not sure if I just happen to know an inordinate amount of beautiful people, or there's a lot of beautiful people in the world, or I just have low standards for 'beautiful'. Whatever.

At this point, you might be thinking - hey, it's not working, just stop. It's okay to be in a relationship, it's not a bad thing. Maybe that's what you need right now.
Problem is - as much as I hate to say it - that's probably the worst thing I could do right now. As much as part of me is aching to be in a relationship, I know that I am in a terrible emotional state to be in one; and it was just be a trainwreck for both parties involved. I don't wish that on anyone, particularly not anyone I care about.
Before I embark on a relationship - which I'm really, really, praying and hoping isn't in the too distant future - I need to be ready for that. And yes, I'm more ready now than I used to be. But I'm still not ready. I'm still not in the place that I need to be.

And, damn it, I want that to change. I want to be actually getting somewhere with this, not just turning over the same soil repeatedly, hoping for something to happen. So I'm going to be doing something a little bit radical, for me.
I'm going to be heading off Facebook for a while.
Not completely, because I use it for communication way too much. But from now on, I won't have it as one of my constantly-open tabs. I won't be going back to check it regularly, scrolling through my feed to see what new photos people are putting up. And, yes, I might miss a few things. But - I'm hoping - I might also gain a few things as well.

So, for a while, you won't really see me much on Facebook. If you do want to get my attention, feel free to send me a message or something, always happy to talk :) But I need some space to make this work. Because this is something that I can't afford to get wrong.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

Living in the In-Between.

This is my post about this year. It's rather overdue.

Towards the end of last year, I was starting to wind up pretty much everything that I was involved with. Work and church being the big two, really. But I was pretty busy with a lot of things. Too many things. So God asked me to stop, and take some time. So that we could focus in on the important things. I talked about it a little in this post.
So, I finished up with everything, and I had my week away in the Blue Mountains. It was a really nice retreat time. Really relaxing, and a great time to draw closer to God.
But it didn't give me any clarity on the year ahead.

And so, because I had no work, I've been living at home again. Pretty much everything I have is now in the garage, because I never planned to be here for long at all. I thought I'd finish up with last year's stuff, then God would tell me where I was going this year, and then I'd go do that. Seemed like he has other plans.

At first, I was pretty uncomfortable with that. I didn't particularly enjoy the idea of living back at home for a while, when I'd put so much into moving out, and making that work for all of last year, even on so little. But I didn't have a lot of choice. I had no money, and no car. I wasn't planning to just couch-surf or sleep in the streets. So that's where I was, in the in-between place, wondering what on earth God had in store for me. I wasn't too happy with it all.

But God started showing me that - actually, this space is okay. My parents have been providing for me a bit - I help my little sister get ready in the mornings for school, and they pay me for that, which helps. And since I have time on my hands, I can focus a bit more on my own creative projects, like my albums, or writing a musical. (Yeah, I'm doing that, just casually.) Which has been really nice.

I do find the lack of work hard, though. I'm rather terrible at self-motivation a lot of the time, and so keeping myself busy is actually how I get things done. It's tricky when there's....not so much to get busy with. I mean, there is. I have so many projects I could work on, and there's plenty to do around the house. But when you actually have work to do for someone, it's a bit different. I did have an interview the other day that went quite well, but even if I did get that job, it wouldn't start until the end of next month. Which is rather farther away than I thought.

So yeah. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment. Having time is nice, in a way. But being terrible at self-motivation means that I wind up doing nothing too much of the time. And...yeah. Some work would be nice. Finding a job is annoying.