The last few months have been both interesting and difficult in various ways. Things have been getting better in general, which has been good, but there have been obstacles as well. So I thought I'd talk a bit about some of that process.
Earlier this year, I wasn't doing well at work. There were signs of depression that were starting to show, and while I had good people to work with and a good place I was working in, I was struggling to find fulfilment or interest in the work that I was doing at the time; though there were certainly good parts to it. And so, I finished up at work. And tried to get healthy again.
But I wasn't really sure how to do that. A couple of different medications for depression had little effect, and it felt like things were going downhill, not uphill. I started to see a psychologist, and that was beneficial. As this was happening, I wasn't getting much income, and so I had to move back home. I got bits of work from one friend here and an odd job there, plus the consistent eight hours at church.
Then a couple of months ago, an opportunity came up, somewhat out of the blue, for a position with a startup that I'd had some interaction with before. They actually specifically called me to see if I'd be interested in the position (funnily enough, because of the work I'd done in Salesforce, which had just been an extra thing on the side in my previous job), which was a bit crazy. Everything worked out, and I got the position, working some hours in the office and some from home, which was nice and flexible.
However, it had been a while since I'd had regular work. And so it felt like I was learning how to work again - particularly with depression, and figuring out how that would fit together. Over the last couple of months, it feels like I've learned more about my preferences with work than I have over the last few years.
I like working in collaboration with people, not doing work by myself.
While most people like socialising during lunch and morning tea breaks, for me, that's my retreat and refresh time, to energise again (particularly if I have been working by myself).
Working in at the office can be worse than working at home, because at the office, you're expected to be working for that whole block of time, whatever it may be. That's just not how my mind works, and I find that extremely difficult. When I'm at home, I can break up the work with doing other things - which can still be productive, not necessarily watching videos/playing games (though that can be a thing as well), but just doing something different. That's not an option in the office.
Motivation can also be a massive issue, particularly if I'm working alone. I'm terrible at self-motivation, and so I have to utilise things that I know I want to do/enjoy doing to help me do things. That can be quite difficult with work, depending on the work that's being done.
I do some things very quickly, and other things very slowly. And they're not typically the things that other people do quickly or slowly. Also, if I have too little work, I can find that a drag. On the other hand, if I have a lot of tasks that I feel like all need to be completed at once, I can find that overwhelming and just not be able to do anything.
If the last couple of months have reminded me of anything, it's that I'm not good at work, or at least the world's idea of work. It's not something that I fit into well, even with various accommodations or allowances being made. I can often have a lot to contribute or bring - but I also bring a fair few difficulties and issues along with that. This is why I kinda hate the world that we live in, where you have to work to actually even live. And if you don't, people often treat you like you're less, and inferior. "What, you don't have a job?" "Don't you do any work?" "Lazy!" The systems that we have in place for people that don't have work - physically disabled and seniors aside - is built upon the assumption that you're trying to find work. It's a temporary measure until you can get work, and you often can't get the money if you're not actively and repeatedly looking for work, which is often an intensely draining and demoralising activity.
As I come towards being a married man, and starting a family (not as in having kids, that's still a discussion that's a while off yet!), this has become ever more the forefront in my perception. I'm not just looking after myself anymore - often when I was, I'd be happy to get by with just whatever, and had no issues with living on fairly thin means. But when I have someone else who is also relying on me to provide for them at some level, that changes the game. Unfortunately, we live in a world and a time that is unkind and expensive. And that doesn't look to be changing any time soon.
Apologies for the depressive post. I was getting better. Or at least, I thought I was. Now I don't know. Life is complicated. Having people around helps. It's just when I'm by myself that I tend to get like this. Not sure where to go from here, or what the next steps are. But we'll get there somehow.
