TL;DR - My wife and I have separated, I’ve moved out, I’m queer.
At the beginning of last year, I married a woman called Thalia. We had been engaged for about a year, and dating for several months beforehand.
During November last year, while doing some soul-searching, I realised that I was non-binary, queer, pansexual(ish), and polyamorous. In many senses, I had known this for a long time; but had never put words to it, because I felt that it wasn’t okay to look into or talk about in the religious circles I was in. But that didn’t line up with what I believed.
As I was working through this rediscovery of my gender and sexuality, I was also diving into my religious beliefs around these issues, as well as around relationships, marriage, divorce, and sex. Where I ended up was in some senses not far from where I was before - but quite different to how I’d been living on the surface. I particularly realised that one of the reasons I’d been pursuing marriage was that I had grown up with the belief that heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only right and true way to do romantic and sexual relationship before God - and these (that is, romantic and sexual relationship) were things that I wanted to do. And so that is what I pursued.
But that was no longer now what I believed. Neither heterosexual, nor monogamous, nor marriage, is required to make a romantic or sexual relationship right or good or true. Neither does one need to engage in either romantic or sexual relationship to be these things. And I knew within myself that the way I was wired did not fit well to any of these things.
Thus started a very difficult rollercoaster of several months; as I talked through this bit by bit in conversations with Thalia, as well as with some other close friends and support groups, and eventually family. I wrapped up my position leading music in the church I was at, as I felt it wasn’t fair to remain in that position when I was now clearly heading down a path that was radically different from the core beliefs of that congregation. I started going to an affirming church, and found multiple places and people to support me in my journey.
I knew through all of this that this journey would be difficult for many people close to me; particularly my parents, and especially Thalia. I was not wrong. They each struggled immensely working through all of this, particularly as they did not share my theology or beliefs; and so perceived the path that I was heading down (whether in terms of separation, or sexuality, or both) as sinful and wrong. They still loved me, and were patient with me, and I endeavoured to be the same, while taking care of my own emotional and mental health through this process.
I also knew that a key part of this journey would inevitably mean separating from Thalia. I knew that this would be painful for both of us, but particularly for her. But I also knew that I could not live a life that I no longer believed was true - and I could not live a life that was slowly killing me. I tried to give her as much time and space as she needed to process things, and work through it all in her own time, to try and make it less difficult.
In time, she came to the point of saying I could look for a place, though she still wanted us to stay together. I found a place, and moved out near the beginning of this month. I'm currently out in the vicinity of Penrith. We’re still in the chaos and mess of figuring out what everything is going to look like, and I’m still not sure on how many things are going to work out, or all of what I want to do when things do quiet down somewhat.
But I know that I need some space and time of my own to process. Some time away from romantic and sexual relationship, to recenter myself, and discover what this new idea of my identity looks like for me. What it means for how I look, dress, talk, present myself, what pronouns I use, how I interact with other people. How I want to do relationships. Some of these things I have vague ideas about - but I really haven't had the freedom or the time or space to explore them.
So that's what this next season is about. I don't know how long that will take, or exactly what that will look like. But I know it's important. And I'm looking forward to a period of rest, as well. I need it.
I also want to emphasise, before finishing. This post is not about pointing blame at anyone, or trying to say that this or that is wrong. I'm just trying to communicate where I'm at, and what's occurred - partly so I can be more open and authentic in how I live and communicate with others, but also so I'm not answering the same questions dozens of times over. I do not harbour ill will or resentment towards Thalia or people that are supporting her; she needs support more than I do at this time.
That's it for now. Chances are this will just generate more questions from people; and chances are, at the moment, many of them I won't be answering. I don't expect understanding from everyone, or even from many; I can only endeavour to live truly and authentically to what I know as best I can. I believe I have done that, and will continue to do so. I've lived enough of my life as someone else.
