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Tuesday, 19 May 2015

I'm Not A Pecker.

This one's a bit of an update on a post a couple of times back. If you missed it, this one.
So I took a bit of time to think about what I actually want to be doing with my life and such. And actually came up with some thoughts. Nothing particularly definite and concrete, I'll admit, but a bit more than I had before.

My two big passions are my 'creative' stuff (which encompasses quite a bit), and people. And essentially, what I figured out was just that I don't want those to be only 'spare time' things. I don't want them to be given just whatever I have leftover - I want these to be my focus, what I'm really putting my time and energy into. And with the way the world works, that means getting paid for that in some fashion, or for part/s of that. Which is tricky! But that's the idea.

And in some senses, I think I always knew that. Because I'm not a 9 to 5 worker. I currently work three days a week - when I tell some people that, they ask me why I don't work full-time. I said that that was all that I asked for - and often they look at me like I'm crazy. But I couldn't do full-time work. I really couldn't. I need variety, I need to be doing different things, not just the one thing. And particularly because the jobs I've done have been quite physically demanding - when I'm not exactly built for that - it means that I don't have nearly as much energy or headspace for other things when I'm done. I have no interest in doing a trade, or working in an office, or working as a dishie, or in a warehouse, or basically any standard job, for the rest of my life. That's not me. I'm not a pecker. (My own term. Just go with it.)

So yeah. That's where my thoughtspace is right now. I don't know exactly what that looks like going forward - kinda just praying that God will lead me the right way, open up opportunities for me. Because I can have a million dreams, and thoughts, and ideas (and I often do, being a 4), but I can't do them all; and particularly not if I'm having to do a job at the same time to support myself, let alone a family (hopefully!) at some point.

Think that's about it :)

Saturday, 16 May 2015

On Trusting Yourself.

So, tonight I was part of this event called Beauties At The Movies. It's essentially a woman's movie night our church does for the women in the community (not just us churchies), and we use it as a bit of a fundraiser for The Hub (which is our community pantry). It's a bit of a night to make the ladies feel special. So I'm there in my top hat, bow tie, suit jacket, vest and suspenders (though you can't see them because of the jacket and vest), and escort the ladies up the stairs as they come in. I also make all the sound and tech stuff work, but that's the important part :)

The movie that we watched tonight was called Mom's Night Out. It was a Christian movie, and one of the things that it really dwelled on was being enough, just in yourself. That as a mum, so often you can try to live up to some perfect standard that you think you have to reach, to try and be "good enough" - but the point of it was, God loves you, just as you are. And God made you, just as you are. So be you. Stop trying to be something more than you. Because you are enough.

I think that's an awesome message. But it actually got me thinking about quite a different idea, as my brain tends to do, in its own weird way. And maybe this is the guy equivalent, I don't know. Though being enough can certainly be a message for guys as well.

One thing I've always struggled with is trusting myself. I do not trust myself with much at all - and even that which I do trust myself with, I almost expect that I'm going to muck it up before long. And, to be honest, that's something that I still struggle with, even now. Even after Impart, after I've revolutionised my ideas of who I am, and who God is. I still find it hard to trust myself.

But here's the crazy thing, right. God does. He seems to trust me. A lot more than I do, pretty much all of the time. He trusts me with situations, people, things - that I probably never would. I might wish for them, hope for them - but I wouldn't trust myself with them. Particularly people. That's kind of a big one. Him trusting me with one of his sons or daughters. Especially the latter, being a guy and all. But he does trust me. And other people seem to as well, more and more. Which is kinda scary sometimes.

Because these are big, important, precious things. And when you see that, part of you says that you want it - but the other part says that you don't want to mess it up. You don't want to break it. And you don't want to risk it. You don't trust yourself. That's been me. But he is trusting me, with the big, important, precious things. And I get the feeling that's not going to change too soon.

And perhaps, if other people are saying they can trust me, and God is saying he can trust me - then maybe I can trust myself, too. And then - God only knows.

Monday, 11 May 2015

On the Power of Stories and Memory.

I've touched on this a fair few times before, yes. Hopefully this isn't just a re-hash of what I've said before. I don't really know, I don't go back and read my old posts much. But anyway.

One of the ways you know that you've made a good story is if people remember it; and not just that they remember it, but also how they remember it - if they remember it with fondness, joy, excitement, expectation. That's certainly one of the reasons I've always loved writing, and reading - but also what I've often tried to do in songwriting. And it's also, incidentally, what I enjoy the most about gaming. My favourite games are ones that have a great story, that I can really get into. That take time, and develop their characters, and explore and challenge. That's the sort of story I love.

But there's a little advantage, I've discovered, that books, and movies, and TV shows, and games, have over songs in this aspect. You can come back to the same story - the same people, the same situations, and develop that even more. See familiar faces again, familiar places, hear the old voices. And that can be so powerful. (Unfortunately, media companies often know that and milk it for all it's worth, which isn't so great.) And that's not really possible with song - and yet, in a way, it is.

When you write a story in song, you are writing your story. And each time you write another song, you write a different part of that story. They won't always fit together as nicely - but they are still all part of your story that you're telling. And that's pretty cool, I think. :)

As an aside, I decided to do this post because I found out that one of my favourite stories/games is continuing - Mass Effect. That's probably old news now, but I'm pretty excited :) I may just play through it again....

Thursday, 7 May 2015

On Busyness and Planning.

Hey folks, sorry I haven't been posting much for a while! I've had a few ideas for posts (so hopefully you'll see a couple more in the not-too-distant future, otherwise I'll just have more piling up), but I've had no time - because I've gotten a job! :D

So I now work three days a week as a Casual Warehouse Assistant for Koorong at their warehouse in Erskine Park. For those who don't know, Koorong is a Christian bookstore (in Australia, for overseas readers [which seems to be a lot of you, interestingly!]), and they have about fifteen stores over the country, but just the one main warehouse. I believe they have a smaller one at Ryde/Sydney, but ours is the big one that essentially sends out to all of the stores. So I'm working there 8 - 4, three days a week, and that's kept me pretty busy.

"But Brendan," you say. "That still gives you two other days that you're doing nothing with! Why aren't you working four or five days a week?" Au contraire, my friend. So. Two nights a week, I'm rehearsing for Spamalot with the Campbelltown Theatre Group. (Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam....) I'm Sir Bedevere :) Which is a lot of fun. One night a week, I'm practicing with the Campbelltown Catholic Club Choir (C4). Then I'm also helping out a charity put on another musical in July, and leading the Songwriting Ministry at my church. And part of a band/ministry called Shalom that practices one afternoon a week. So yeah, pretty busy. And then I'm trying to record an album this year as well :P

It's all awesome and great stuff, but it's also a lot of stuff to be happening all at once! It means that I really don't have a lot of time to be working on my own bits and pieces like the album and my music, or do gigs. But I am really enjoying everything that I'm doing :) Which is good.

The thing is, though, I've never really been much of a planner. The most I can think ahead is a few months, maybe. Anything ahead of that is just me dreaming - and I've got too many dreams for that to be any help. Which means it's really hard for me to understand things that are on a bigger scale - things that I might be doing for a year, or two years, or more. My mindset has really just been, "this is what I'm doing for now," but I almost expect it to change. So it's a surprise when it does last for a long time.

But that means that I've never really thought about where I want my life to be going. I've had dreams, like I said. But never any solid or definite ideas, nothing concrete. Some abstract concepts and ideas I want to stick by, but no real direction or focus. And I think that's something that needs to change, particularly because there are so many different things I could do or enjoy. But that doesn't mean that just because I can do it, or do it well, or enjoy it, that I should be doing it. So that's something that I'm going to be trying to figure out, probably for the next while. But we'll see. Hopefully God can help me out a fair bit on this one, because I don't really have any bright ideas.