The Future Of Teaching And Learning.

The other day in New South Wales, for the first time in many years, teachers were on strike across the state. Seeing as the spotlight is on teaching for a moment - and rightly so - I thought I'd take some time to talk about some of the issues with the current system, and some directions we might be able to head in the future.

I want to preface this by saying that I'm not a teacher, never studied teaching, and the closest experience I've had to doing teaching was on a week-long holiday camp as part of an outreach trip in high school. But I've been close to many people that are teachers, and seen some of the things that have been difficult for them. I've also, of course, been through the system myself as a student, but that was a little while ago now. I have also done some research on the issue before, for previous videos. I'll also be speaking to what I understand of the education system in Australia, though I'm sure bits and pieces will apply across to other countries too.

From the perspective of the teacher, and from the perspective of the student, there are different issues that arise. I'll look at the former first. 

For the teacher; the hours are long. It's hard to estimate just how many hours teachers do, because they're basically always taking their work home with them. The pay is not great, particularly considering the number of hours. And the amount of work. And the added responsibilities, it seems, year after year. Funnily enough, less people are studying to become teachers. Everywhere, there seems to be a shortage. Burnout is high. Many new teachers quit after just a few years - about the time it took them to study to become a teacher in the first place. Class sizes are growing, which makes the teacher's job even harder. 

For the student; they are often required to learn many things that they will never again use. Much of the learning is steered directly towards getting good results in tests, so they can get that uni degree, so they can get that job. Learning about life skills, and how the world works, is limited. Students are often lost amidst a sea of faces, particularly in larger schools, and students with specific needs or disabilities can especially struggle. The system, more often than not, just isn't built for them. You have to find a special school, or a special program, and even then there's no guarantees. The testing that's done often just builds stress more than it produces results (I did a whole video on that here). Even when kids want to learn - often they don't learn that much they're interested in.

There are a lot of problems. The main reason for much of it, of course, is that the education system as we know it was built in a world that doesn't really exist any more. It's changed slowly over the years, but the world has changed much more quickly. The system can't keep up. We need a new one. 

I'm not going to pretend to have the answer. But I have ideas. They might be terrible ideas, they might be great ideas - I'll let you make your own conclusions. 

One possibility is utilising technology at a much greater level. Using things like VR, and having a virtual school, rather than a physical school. The tyranny of distance disappears, and suddenly the main issue becomes your internet speed. You could also use an online platform to do teaching in a more self-guided fashion, with students choosing more specifically what they want to learn about, using pre-made content online and having teachers available if they have questions. Something similar to this does exist in Khan Academy, and it feels like an idea that could be implemented more widely (though obviously you then lose the in-person interaction aspect).

Another idea is to try and split what a school is trying to do, or what a teacher is trying to do, into multiple roles. In a practical sense some people do this by splitting a full-time position into multiple part-time positions, but I'm thinking more about the specific tasks a teacher is trying to do rather than the time itself. I'm not sure exactly how you'd split it; perhaps one person being a subject expert, another doing admin, another doing something more like student care? I'm sure other people would have better ideas.

Of course, these are big changes that I'm talking about, in a big system. That's not really something that happens with any speed, unfortunately, short of a catastrophe occurring (though many would argue that one is on its way). And so measures in the interim such as raising salaries, placing less expectations on teachers, reducing homework - these sorts of things can be helpful. But there are larger issues at play here that will need to be addressed at some point. We need to get education right. For all of our sakes.

Song Stories - Rearview

I finished going through the song stories of the Life To The Full EP, but there are still plenty more songs I've written, and many more stories to tell. Today, I'm talking about one of the most recent songs I've written - Rearview. As always, lyrics below for reference.

I've made mistakes I know

And there's times I wish I'd known better

But believe me I have grown

Yet you seem to think that you know better

And so I'm asking you why you're still stuck on the rearview

What you see ain't me, what I am's something new

Yet you still think you somehow know me better than I do

But you don't have a clue, cause you're stuck on the rearview

Yes, I haven't always looked like this

And I used to respond to he and his

But people change, and so have I

Yet you still call me dude and guy, let me ask why

Well, the rearview might be good for a smile

I'll look back there once or twice for a while

But that doesn't mean it defines who I am

We get to decide who we are, the future's unplanned

I wrote this one on guitar, and it started off with just a little motif that I was playing around with for a while. But then I also had this idea that I wanted to build a song around, and so I matched the two together.

Each verse kinda takes a different tack of what the situation might be. Perhaps you've changed because you made mistakes in the past, but you've learned from them. Or perhaps you've changed because of a realisation and deeper understanding about who you are. There are other things that could cause someone to change, of course, but these are the two that I focussed on, and I think they represent a fairly broad spectrum of experience. Pretty much everyone has mistakes that they've learned from; and though not everyone is a trans or non-binary person that was assigned male at birth (AMAB), many people have changed fundamentally in who they are over time. I had a bit of fun with the second verse, speaking more specifically to my own experience - my look hasn't changed too much (yet), at the moment I've just started regularly wearing skirts and that's about it for the most part. But I was also looking to the future, and when I might be performing this, when I wrote that first line. "I haven't always looked like this." Of course, I used to use he/him pronouns, so that's a direct call-out there. The reference to dude and guy in the last line is a personal bugbear of mine, where people frequently use both of those words in a gender-neutral way, but for me it feels very gendered. So that's just a reference to that.

But sometimes, other people don't keep up. For various reasons. Perhaps they haven't kept in touch, haven't seen you in a long time. Perhaps they took the mistake you made personally, and so try to keep reminding you of it. Perhaps they disagree with the changes that you've made to yourself, and the person that you've become. Whatever it might be; it's now like they're interacting with a past version of yourself, rather than the you that is now. They're stuck in the past. "And so I'm asking you why you're still stuck on the rearview." Sometimes, they can be quite insistent that who they're interacting with is the real you. "Yet you still think you somehow know me better than I do..." But they're not you. Nobody else gets to define who you are, if you don't want them to. Only you get to do that.

So what do we do with that? Well, sometimes you can catch people up. Sometimes people will get the memo, and realise they're kinda being shit, and change what they do. But sometimes people won't. And sometimes, that means the healthiest thing to do is leaving them behind - putting them in your rearview, since that's where they seem to insist on being. But that's up to you, as to what you do with the relationships in your life.

Of course, we don't just forget what's in the past. It still exists, and we can learn from it, and laugh at old memories, and all that sort of thing. But we don't live there any more. We live here, now. In the present. There's enough to deal with there!

I'm quite fond of this song. But I'm sure I'll write another before too long that I grow more fond of. It seems to be the way it all works! When I do, I'll put up another story about that one, I guess.

Too Many Questions...

I don't know what other people's experience is growing up in a Christian family, Christian school, and Christian church, was. To me, particularly looking back, there was a big emphasis on knowing all of the answers. "You need to always be ready to give an answer for the faith that you have!" There was an expectation that the people around us, all of these atheists and agnostics, would be pestering us with questions about why we believe, and these different issues with the Bible, or historical or scientific issues, or whatever it might be.

But that never really happened. Like, ever. And I was the sort of kid that was very good at knowing all of the right answers in Sunday school. I did all the prior reading (I loved reading so much), knew the proper answers to even deeper questions; but for starters, I was pretty much always in a Christian environment. There weren't really lots of these "atheists and agnostics" around. And if there were questions, they weren't things like, "how does the trinity work?" or, "where do dinosaurs fit into creation?" They were more things like, "why are Christians being shitty?" Why do Christians make life hard for queer people, or women who want abortions, or just women in general, or sex workers, or refugees, or people who aren't white, or who aren't interested in marriage, or who follow a different religion, or whatever might be the issue in your part of the world. 

Once upon a time, the hot issue was geocentrism. If you didn't believe that the Earth was the centre of the universe, as was clearly stated in the Bible, you were an enemy of the church. Thrown out. Excommunicated. You can even see disagreements like this in the New Testament itself; around issues like whether Gentiles could be Christians, circumcision, food sacrificed to idols, and more.

But we changed. We decided that the line of right and wrong that we had drawn in the sand was actually the thing that was wrong. But every time, it seems to have just moved to a different place. We always find a new group to exclude.

For a kid who knew all the "right" answers, I also had a lot of questions. I thought about things pretty deeply, and there kept being things that would come up that didn't make sense. I didn't like it when things didn't make sense. I remember going to the chaplain at school once, and asking about why God didn't seem to follow the same rules that he had set for us. The answer basically came down to - because God is God, not us. There was a bit more discussion than that, but that's what it seemed to boil down to. But it still didn't make sense to me.

As I grew up, I was able to answer some questions. But many more surfaced. Things that didn't make sense with what I knew of God, and what I knew from the Bible. While some of it was about deep or complicated theological stuff; much more of it was those same questions other people were asking. Why are we being shitty to people? Why, when we claim to follow and be trying to act like a God who is love, are we being unloving towards people?

And I know that so many Christians say that they are being loving. Spoiler alert: when what you're doing causes trauma, self-harm, suicide, abuse, racism, sexism, and more besides - that's not love. And if all sin is the same; why aren't we trying to correct and change people that lie? Or who are greedy with money? Or who are violent towards other people? The church doesn't seem to have an equal stance on these things, despite saying that all sin is the same in the eyes of God. Perhaps because the problem is that these are harder to deal with. These are harder to draw a line around. They go into the too-hard basket. It's much easier to slap a label on someone that's queer, than to slap a label on someone who's a liar. Or greedy. Or violent. And maybe that might mean looking internally, rather than externally, God forbid!

The thing is, though, that sins are not all the same. Oh, they're the same to God, don't get me wrong. There's sin and there's not sin. But there's a big difference for people here on earth. If I call someone a bad name, that's not going to have the same affect for people as abusing them repeatedly will.

Sin is about broken relationships. Broken relationships with each other, with ourselves, with God. The church tends to focus a lot on that last one, basically ignore the middle one, and only worry about the first if it's about relationships between Christians. But the church really has a massive problem with broken relationships with so many people, so many groups, that they have cast aside and denied entry or not cared for in so many different ways.

I hope that this will change. It feels like, slowly, it might be starting to. We're starting, slowly, to see more acceptance for female leadership in places it hasn't been before (feels like such an old battle, but it's still being fought in some places); in others, seeing acceptance of same-sex marriages, or transgender people. There are still so many things that are broken, and so many people that are hurting and that have left the church completely because of what it has done. But I think, bit by bit, we're starting to see fragments of a future church where questions are welcome. Where we're less sure on where the lines are, and who is "in" or "out". Where we just welcome people in as they are. You know, like Jesus did? Strange idea, I know. But just maybe.

The intersection of trans and non-binary

This week is Trans Awareness Week. So I thought that I would do a post talking about what being trans means, and how that intersects with being non-binary.

Transgender is defined as identifying with a different gender than what you were assigned at birth. 

At the moment, around the world, gender is assigned at birth; the vast majority of the time, as only male or female, though there are instances where this may not be the case (which is where we get into intersex, but that's a different issue). But many people, as they grow older, for many and varied reasons, may not identify with this assigned gender. And so they choose to identify with a different gender. For some people, this may be a change from male to female, or female to male; this is probably what is most well-known. But there are also many people that will change to non-binary, or genderqueer, or agender, or any of many other identifiers. Perhaps this will change multiple times over their life, or be fluid and changing day-to-day. And all of these are valid experiences.

The counterpoint to transgender, by the way, is cisgender, or cis, where someone identifies with the same gender that they were assigned at birth. 

As a non-binary person who was assigned male at birth, I also fall under what's often referred to as "the trans umbrella". It's called that because it includes many different gender identities, in the same way that non-binary does. I don't really tend to say "I'm trans" that often, though, I usually instead say "I'm non-binary", even though both are correct. But non-binary is more specific, and when the general populace think of trans, they usually think of binary trans - which I'm not; or someone who is transitioning with hormones or surgery, which I'm also not. And yes, there is value in educating people (which is part of the reason I'm writing this), but I don't want to do that in every interaction. Saying non-binary is a simpler shorthand.

There are non-binary people that choose not to use the trans label for themselves for other reasons, or that do choose to use it - I encourage you to ask people why they use the labels they do, but also keep in mind that nobody owes you an explanation. If people are happy to share, then great. But people might not be, and that's okay too. Not everyone has the energy to talk about these things.

I have the good fortune to now know a good number of trans people; both binary, and non-binary. All of them are rather beautiful and amazing. But we all also have many obstacles in this world that cis people don't. Some of those are starting to come down, thankfully; but we still have a ways to go yet.

And so I encourage you - listen to the trans people around you. Hear what they are finding difficult and struggling with. Be aware, and be active. Because trans rights don't just help trans people. They help everyone. 

Song Stories: Jesus Christ

This is the final song, and the final song story, from the Life To The Full EP that I've been working through over the past while. This one has a bit less depth to it, but that's okay. Lyrics are below.

I want to go where I am free
I want to go, will you take me?
I want to leave, just leave this place
I want to find, find my own space

And I have found, a way to live
Yes I have found a life to give
It teaches me a better way
Yeah, teaches me, each night and day

The one who gives me life?
Jesus Christ

And I have said, said many times
And I have read between the lines
Cause what you give is life to me
Yes what you give it sets me free

You're the one, oh yeah
And I know, this isn't fair
But still, you came for me
And died, upon that tree

You're the one who gives me life
Yes, you're the one who gives me life
You're the one who gives me life
Jesus Christ

This is another one that I through-composed, on the guitar. I was basically noodling around and found this chord progression that I enjoyed, then started just riffing on it with words while I played. This is the song that came out of it.

Lyrically - I feel like this song is coming back to some of the core of what I believe. Because there are a lot of bits that I've deconstructed and reconstructed over the last months and years, and plenty that's still just uncertain. But what I do know is the freedom and life that I've found within Jesus - and that's the same freedom and life I live now. "I want to go where I am free...I want to find, find my own space" 

I think it's this "better way" that I mention in there that some Christians can get hung up on, though. Because the way they see it is - we're living a better way than them. When it feels much more true to actually put it like - I'm living a better way than how I used to live. Because each person's life is different, and unique, and complex. You can't really compare them to another, to call one "better" or "worse". How are you measuring that? How are you quantifying that? But you can compare your experience now to your previous experience; though even that has many limits and ifs or buts. But I do feel like, through Jesus, I am living a better life. And that's something I'm always learning.

Do I think that's something that everyone needs? Well, here's the thing. You see, Jesus has already made my life better. But through me, I also believe he's made the lives of those around me better too. And you can say the same through history - to the point where I feel like all lives have already been made better through Jesus. If Jesus hadn't come, we would be living in a worse world, and not have the same depth and quality of life, of freedom, that we do today.

But that doesn't mean I need to be shouting on the street corners about who Jesus is, and telling people to "ask him into their hearts", and the like. Other people do that, and they feel like they're making a difference, and I'm happy for them. For now, I'm happy to just try and follow his ways in my life, and see that love spill over into the lives of people around me.

That's all of the song stories for the Life Is Full EP. I hope you've enjoyed those. I don't think I'm done with song stories, though - I'll still be coming back to them now and then. It's a useful format that I can always find some words for, and it keeps me writing, which is good.

Being Non-Binary.

A little while back, I did a post about multi-gender attraction, and what that looks like for me. Today, I thought I'd take a look at being non-binary, and what that looks like. Which means that it's time to talk about gender!

When we're talking about gender, we're actually often talking about two different things in one; gender identity, and gender expression. Gender identity is your innate sense of what your gender is, on a psychological and internal level, however you kinda want to define that. It's how you see and understand yourself internally and what you identify with personally. Gender expression is how you choose to show and demonstrate that externally, through things like dress, behaviour, speech, and the like. It's what you want other people to see, or how you're choosing to act in a given moment.

People might then go, hey! What about body stuff? Well, bodies are something else again. That's what's referred to as biological sex; things like what chromosomes you might have, what genitals you have, etc. And even here, things are a fair bit more nuanced than the binary people are used to. Depending on where you look, there are some estimates that close to 2% of people are intersex; close to the number of people who have naturally red hair. It's not as uncommon as you'd think.

If you're not familiar with it yet, I do recommend the Genderbread website as a handy tool and explainer around these issues for those that are finding it a bit difficult. They do a decent job at breaking it all down.

For myself; gender identity is something that I find very difficult to pin down. My gender feels very difficult to define or contain or explain in any tangible sense; it feels rather amorphous. Part of this is probably simply because gender is somewhat of a social construct, and being neurodivergent, I don't deal with empty constructs that well. So I find it really hard to say if I'm more "male" or more "female", or both, or neither, or something else entirely. I don't feel like my gender identity is something that moves around or changes on a regular basis, so I don't think something like genderfluid or genderflux resonates with me; and at the moment, at least, I don't think that it's absent, so I don't think that agender quite fits either. So, insofar, I've just been using the broader term of non-binary, since it encompasses everything that isn't solely male or female. And I think this is an understanding that I've had on some level most of my life, just without the language for it.

Gender expression, though, is a little different. I think I could describe my desired gender expression as - eccentric? I've had a somewhat masc gender expression most of my life (though still with some hefty doses of femme), and I'm now skewing that more towards femme. I'm wearing skirts, trying dresses, growing my hair out longer; I'm pretty comfortable in my body (thankfully), so at the moment I don't have plans to try hormones, and I'm not thinking about doing surgery or anything like that. There are a few other things that I'm still thinking about - I've been inside for a fair while because of lockdown, so I've only been "expressing" my gender to the few people that I'm living with xD So I'm still exploring and figuring out what that will look like.

Other things I'm not so much making femme, but moving away from masc. I'm using they/them pronouns now and quite enjoying them; with some groups and people I've also started to use Bren rather than Brendan, though I'll probably still use the latter for formal documents and the like for a while yet. I'm not changing because I have dysphoria around the name Brendan (I quite like my name!), but because I like having a gender-neutral version of it. People see Brendan and think male, whereas people see Bren and don't immediately know what gender that is associated with.

I'll also note, that as a non-binary person - I'm not a man, and neither am I a woman. I'm not a boy, or a girl. I'm not a bro, or a sis, or a dude, or a guy, or a sheila. I'm not a sir or a ma'am, a Mr or a Mrs or a Ms. Now, it's not so much that these terms being used for me would cause dysphoria - it's just that they're not me. They're not inclusive of who I am. It's like if you said to a room filled with people from different backgrounds, "Hey white people!" It just doesn't make sense. It's not including a bunch of people that are there. If you have other people in your life that are non-binary or trans, particularly family or someone you're in relationship with, I'd really encourage you to talk with them about what language they enjoy being used for them. Because it's not just about not using language we don't like - it's also about using language that we do like. For me, a big part of that is when people use Bren and they/them for me. Other things are when people use compliments that are more typically femme; like calling me beautiful, pretty, or gorgeous - those are words I really enjoy.

Non-binary is a big umbrella, and I'm just one person standing under it somewhere. I've shared my experience here, but there are a lot of other people that use this identity too, and in different ways. I'd encourage you, again, to talk to these people in your life about what it means and looks like for them, and put in the extra mile to get that language right. Maybe that means using a different name; maybe it means using they/them, or even neopronouns! Maybe it means changing what compliments or other terms you use. If they're someone that you care about and want to build or maintain relationship with, take the time. It really helps.

If you've taken the time to read this - thank you. Hopefully it explains where I'm at at the moment in regards to gender a little bit better. As always; this is something where my understanding could change with time. But this gives you a snapshot of where I'm at now.

Song Stories: Anything More

Over the last while, I've been posting some song stories - initially, from an EP that I've finished writing relatively recently, called Life To The Full EP. This is the penultimate song on the album, entitled Anything More. As usual, lyrics are below for reference.

My pen hovers over the page

Hesitating, hesitating

When will something come into my brain

I'm waiting, and waiting

There's so much I've already said, but am I done already?

Each note I sing I have already sung

For each word I could write, there's a matching one

Every chord I play I have played before

But does that mean that I cannot write anything more?

Thoughts start to move in my mind

They're stirring, and stirring

Maybe soon something new I will find

I'm searching, searching

There are still so many things I have left to say

Perhaps I will need to find another way

But hopefully, here today, this will be enough

This is another one that I wrote on the train to work (or from work, I don't know). The lyrics starting with what I was literally doing, struggling to find words to write. The chords were pretty simple, think I did the music for this one on guitar.

This song is really speaking to an on-and-off struggle that I've had with music, and I think just creativity in general, for a while. I've been slowing down in what I'm writing, and creating. Not doing as much as I used to. I used to be writing so much, all the time, they were just pouring out. Felt like I had a new song every week or two (sometimes every day or two). These days - not so much. It's not so often that I'm writing new songs, or new poems, or new creative material.

And so part of me naturally wonders - well, am I on the decline, then? Have I already had my creative peak, and I've missed the opportunity to utilise it? Am I done already?

But every now and then, when I do put something new out there, or I show my music to someone who hasn't seen it yet - so often, I will get responses of, "this is amazing!" "this is awesome!" "this is so creative!" "you sing and play SO well!" Like, people being really genuinely complimentary and praising the work that I've done, and the talent that I have. Which feels pretty amazing. Because I know I have talent. Like, I've known that for ages - I'm good at singing, good at music, good at songwriting. Not too bad on the piano either, and I'm getting there on the guitar. But getting other people to see what you see can be.....hard. So it's really nice when other people do see that.

I think I do still have plenty left to write, and plenty left to create. But I think I'm just needing to do it more intentionally now, it's not so automatic. I think I've also branched out a bit with my mediums, so that gives me more options to be creative with as well, which is good. Exploring new platforms has been fruitful too. Tiktok is pretty great! Getting some nice engagement on there with some of what I put up. (Not-so-subtle cue to go follow me there if you aren't already!) But yeah. I feel like I want to put more energy and time into this, because I have a lot that I want to give. But it's hard to know what that might look like, or how to do that. I'm not the type to be able to focus on just one thing well. Perhaps I need someone - or a couple of people - to collaborate with to help motivate me.

But yeah, that's what this song is talking about. Hope you found that interesting. The next song story will be the last from this EP, and it's Christ himself showing up this time.

A Year Of Change.

One year ago today, I wrote an email to a therapist asking about starting counselling around exploring my gender identity and sexuality. I can't remember if this was the same day that I started to think about things myself, or if it was in the days following that - this is the only concrete record I could find back that far.

I can remember a few things about those first few days. Shaving my legs, and arms, and chest. Trying a dress on. Talking to a chat helpline on the web around these issues. Thinking about it suddenly and randomly as I was walking one day. Having a conversation with myself around a theological issue - and realising that I could argue the opposite of what I'd always been taught. Doing so much research online, trying to figure out what fit for me.

I was really scared. And I was really excited. 

I was scared, because I knew how much this could change things. I knew it could mean the end of my marriage; the end of the job I had at church; the end of many relationships with family, or friends. And I didn't know what the future would look like. 

But I was also excited. Because this felt right. In a deep, fundamental way that I can't explain. It felt true, and right, and good, on an instinctual level.

I knew this was going to be hard. Probably really, really hard. But I knew that this was the direction that I needed to go. The journey that I was being led on.

And I did research as well, yes. I looked into what the Bible said about things; but from different perspectives to what I'd been taught before. Because I knew those arguments like the back of my hand. I didn't need reminding of those. Many of them had always felt hollow. So I sought out new voices, found queer Christian spaces, and started listening and engaging.

I learned so much, and I kept wanting to learn more. I was jumping in the deep end, but it also felt like that's what I'd been preparing to do for so long now. Like I knew I would head down this path one day.

I reached out to a couple of queer friends that I was close to, to understand more about their experience. They were really helpful, and kind.

It might surprise you how quickly I was able to find words that fit my own experience. I think I was basically able to figure it out within a day. But I've always been someone who's been very introspective. I know myself well. So it wasn't hard to know what matched with my experience - it was just learning new words, new definitions. But it made many things make sense.

A year on, and many things have changed. I'm now living openly and freely in my identity, and finding a lot of joy in that. I've made so many new queer friends and found so many queer spaces that I've been engaging in regularly. I've been part of affirming church communities that have been incredibly welcoming and amazing to be included in. I'm discovering more of myself, and exploring more of what it means to live into these things. There are still many unknowns - but I'm finding so many joys. I still have mental and emotional struggles (I mean, lockdown and a global pandemic will do that to you, never mind anything else), but they've been easier with the support that I've had over the past months.

I don't know what to expect over the next weeks, or months, or year. But I live in hope, and gratitude, and joy. Even up to now, there are so many experiences I've had that would have felt almost impossible a year back. And it's rather amazing. So thank you - yes, you - if you've been a positive part of my last year. For your support, and love, and time, and energy, that you've given towards me. I've treasured all of it. And I feel infinitely grateful to know you all. 

Song Stories: Life To The Full

Over the past number of weeks, I've been telling some stories from the Life To The Full EP, the latest album that I've written. Today, I'll be talking about the title track. As usual, the lyrics are copied below as a reference.

I used to mask all day thinking it was a better way

So you couldn't see the chaos inside me

But I didn't have the spoons to keep up the subterfuge

Had to realise the truth that I see

Can't live just a half-life

I used to think that I was limited in my

Ways I could love but now I know that

I'm limitless and you can't keep me down, it's true

Because your words they keep falling flat

Can't live just a half-life

No I cannot live a lie 

And I'm not going to be a fool, gonna live life to the full

There's no other way that I could live now

Being real to who I am but you don't give a damn

Well I'm not playing by your rules, gonna live life to the full

And now I know I'm free to live life true to me

Not trying to fit this square through circles

There's still wars to fight but at least they feel right

Not trying to be a hare instead of turtle

Musically, this one was a lot of fun. I was playing around with a fun progression on the guitar, and I think this is one where I did the lyrics at least partially via something I call "through-writing"; which is basically where I play out the progression, and just start singing and making stuff up as I go, and then writing it down afterwards, or in bits and pieces. I've written a few songs like this over the years, particularly on guitar, but occasionally even just singing them out a cappella and figuring out the music later.

Lyrically, there are so many things that have been condensed into the one song, so I'm going to need to break it down bit by bit.

I used to mask all day thinking it was a better way

So you couldn't see the chaos inside me

But I didn't have the spoons to keep up the subterfuge

Had to realise the truth that I see

This is referring at least in part to autism, though it's also true about the other differences within me. Neurodiverse folks will be familiar with the references to both masking and spoons here. But yeah - I grew up hiding a fair bit, and masking a fair bit. And it took me time to realise that that wasn't healthy for me, and to grow I needed to live authentically to who I was. Doing that with autism started back about seven years ago, though I've been learning more and more over the last few years particularly as I've connected in to neurodiverse content creators and ND folks on social media. But it's only very recently that that's happened with sexuality, or gender identity, or relationship type. Which is where I start to go in the second verse.

I used to think that I was limited in my

Ways I could love but now I know that

I'm limitless and you can't keep me down, it's true

Because your words they keep falling flat

I grew up, as I've noted a few times before, in a Christian background that wasn't affirming of queer people or queer relationships. Heterosexual monogamous relationship was presented as the only form of legitimate relationship; the only form of romantic and sexual love that was okay. But that never made sense. Love was limitless, love was infinite. Why would it be constrained in this way that was arbitrary and constructed? Of course, when I started looking into it more deeply, I realised exactly that - that it was a construct, and the arguments against queer relationships from a Christian/biblical perspective fell flat repeatedly. They didn't stack up with either my real experience with people, or the research that other people have done into the specific verses that might be speaking to these issues. So I moved away from those rules. I moved outside of those boxes. And I found freedom.

And now I know I'm free to live life true to me

Not trying to fit this square through circles

There's still wars to fight but at least they feel right

Not trying to be a hare instead of turtle

One of the messages that you can get in some branches of Christianity is to deny yourself. To deny your own desires, your own impulses, your own thoughts or feelings; and to instead seek God, and their desires, etc. But this actually feels quite toxic, and opposite of what the Bible talks about. The Bible talks about us being made in the image of God, and God's spirit dwelling within us. As such, many of these desires that we are feeling within ourselves - can very much be interpreted as coming from God. It doesn't mean they all are, and it doesn't mean that we can't have bad desires. But interpreting our desires as unilaterally bad, or sinful, or things to be put aside - is extremely unhelpful.

As I started listening to myself, my own instincts, and what God had put within me, created in me - I was able to live authentically to myself. To live true to who I am. Which is a lot easier than trying to live as something else. The world has a way of being built for certain types of people; religious communities even more so. Trying to be a round peg in a square hole is not fun. But living authentically, and particularly being "out", to use that phraseology, enables me to find and utilise spaces that are meant for me. And finding those communities has been invaluable over the last year. I've found many people with stories that resonate with me, and people that are like me.

Living true to yourself, though, doesn't mean that all the problems go away. And it doesn't mean that you stop fighting for what is right. But your idea of what is right changes and shifts. Christianity of late has been somewhat defined by fighting against things like abortion, homosexual marriage, and even getting embroiled in things like immigration, vaccines, or if you're in America, gun policy. That's always left a rather bitter taste in my mouth. So I'm grateful to now be fighting for something that feels right, and feels good.

"Hare instead of turtle" was a clunkier line that I threw in because I didn't have a good rhyme; it sort of fits, but not as well as I'd like. It's certainly a sentiment I've had many times, of trying to keep up in fast-paced environments while feeling more like a turtle; but that doesn't relate particularly to the thrust of the song (though it does connect back to neurodiversity).

And I'm not going to be a fool, gonna live life to the full

There's no other way that I could live now

Being real to who I am but you don't give a damn

Well I'm not playing by your rules, gonna live life to the full

All of this comes back to John 10:10, a rather well-known verse in Christian circles. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (NIV) Life to the full, abundant life, is what is promised by Jesus. Not a half-life. Not a shadow of life. Abundant life. Life to the full.

That life can only be lived (I would argue) by living authentically. Living as someone else, or living as only part of yourself, isn't a life to the full. And now having experienced living authentically - there's no other way that I could live. It's really, really amazing and wonderful, and I absolutely love it. I can be real, and true, to who I am, and who I was made to be. And other people will disagree, and other people will argue, or not care what I say; well, you can choose the rules that you live your lives by. But you don't get to choose the rules for my life. I'm living mine to the full.

Can't live just a half-life

No I cannot live a lie

I can't live just a half-life; knowing what is possible, knowing what is real and true, and not living into that. I can't pretend. I cannot live a lie. The truth is hard. And the truth can hurt. And it has. But I believe that lies would hurt more. That playing pretend, and masking, and living a shadow-life, will hurt more. Of course, that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong. But that's what I think.

For now - I'm grateful to be living this life. A life to the full. An abundant life.

We're coming to the end of the song stories for this EP. There are only two left, and the last two won't have quite the same depth that the last couple have. But I hope you've enjoyed what I've had to share so far.

Polyamory and Christianity.

Today I'm going to attempt to look at polyamory (and, more broadly speaking, ethical non-monogamy) in the context of Christianity and the Bible. Specifically, I suppose, looking at the main arguments against polyamory from a biblical perspective - and why I think they fall flat. I will be restricting myself to only the biblical arguments within this blog post, because also covering the moral or ethical arguments would be much too lengthy for one post, and this will probably definitely be long enough. I'm also talking specifically about the overlap of Christianity and ethical non-monogamy; if you want to pursue ethical non-monogamy or whatever else you like but have no interest in Christianity, then that's completely different! I'm talking here about the rules that (theoretically, anyway) apply to Christians. Christian folks attempting to apply those same rules to non-Christians is not on, for various reasons (but that's another blog post!).

I will note that I'm writing as someone that was brought up in the Christian church, taught the arguments for monogamy time and again, that even went to Bible college and learned quite a bit about how to study and understand the Bible. I am not, however, a Bible scholar, and I don't pretend to be. I'm drawing on the knowledge that I have and the research that I've done (and the research that others have done), but that is far from complete.

Before we start, some definitions.

Monogamy is the practice of being married to one partner only. It typically also means being exclusive with that partner romantically and sexually.

Ethical non-monogamy (or ENM) is an umbrella term for various ethical ways of having more than one partner romantically and/or sexually. This can include polyamory, open marriage, swinging, relationship anarchy, and other things. It does not include cheating.

Polyamory refers to having (or the desire/willingness to have) multiple romantic partners (that may or may not also be sexual partners). There are various types of polyamory, that can look quite different.

Let's dive into this.

So there are two main issues that come up biblically when we look at polyamory, or indeed, ethical non-monogamy in general. The first is having multiple partners, being non-monogamous. The second is extramarital or premarital sex, or adultery, depending on the specific context. (Of course, for some people that don't have sexual partners this second issue is a moot point. But it does come up for many.) I'll tackle these one at a time. First; non-monogamy.

Most modern Christians and churches will say that monogamy is the golden standard of relationship presented by the Bible. The main biblical points they will use to argue this will be:

 - this is the obvious design of God with Adam and Eve as depicted in Genesis 

 - Jesus clearly supported this "one man, one woman" design for relationship

 - other relationships that are not monogamous in the Bible are clearly problematic and end up badly

Let's start with Genesis. The main points given here (by traditional Christians) are the fact that God created only Adam and Eve, thus establishing the model for all romantic/sexual relationships (heterosexual monogamy), and that this is confirmed specifically by Gen 2:24, "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh." [NRSV] First, it is making quite the assumption that because this is the first romantic/sexual relationship, it is setting the standard and model for all such relationships. Some would argue that this is exactly what 2:24 specifies, but it does not; it only says that Adam recognised Eve as made of his flesh, and so felt connected to her; and thus, in a similar way, the author notes, in our marriages now (the now as the author writes), when a man and a woman come together, they also become "one flesh". It is not a commentary on other forms of relationship, nor a prescription against them. It's a commentary on marriage at the time.

Secondly, most Christians acknowledge that the creation story outlined in the first chapters of Genesis is not necessarily meant to be taken all literally as written. That's not the point of these verses and this story - things like arguing over where dinosaurs fit into the seven days of creation or whether they're a literal seven days or if they're seven ages distract from the focus and intent of the passage. Saying things like, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", or that Adam didn't have multiple partners also distracts from the point. The creation story (arguably) is meant to speak to a few key points - the nature of God and who God is, the relationship of God to people, and the significance of humanity within creation. Now, can other points be drawn from these passages? Of course. But trying to say that the Genesis story is supposed to establish a pattern for the rest of time and all people is arguably taking it outside of the intent of the passage. (Though one pattern that is perhaps interesting is Adam choosing the partner that was right for him in Genesis 2. In the same way, perhaps we are free and able to choose what partner or partners are right for us? But I digress.) Just because something is the first thing, doesn't mean that it's trying to establish a pattern for everything.

So, as a summary of the Genesis argument - the creation story isn't written as a guide to marital, sexual, or romantic relationships. It contains and demonstrates one, yes, and a comparison is made to other such relations of the same kind at the time of writing - but this isn't meant to be a commandment or clear instruction on the only way to do relationship (and the Jews themselves certainly didn't interpret it this way, as we'll look at in the third argument).

Next, Jesus. Strangely enough, Jesus talked about relationships and marriage rather infrequently. We can find five points in the gospels when Jesus addresses the point directly (Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-12, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18, 20:27-40), but all of these centre around the singular issue of divorce. Depending on the circumstance, this may or may not be relevant to ethical non-monogamy; but neither divorce nor marriage are specifically required to engage in it. Traditional Christians will note here particularly the Matthew 19 passage, where Jesus refers back to the Genesis 2:24 passage, and seems to establish this as the norm, or the expectation. Yet, again, all Jesus is doing is speaking to the time - and, once more, talking only about monogamous marriage. He isn't talking about relationships outside of marriage at all (romantic, sexual, or otherwise). The end part of the Matthew 19 passage is also rather interesting. It says this: 

His disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”  

[Matthew 19:10-12, NRSV, my emphasis] 

Jesus specifically says that these words are not for everyone. That people are different. He talks here about eunuchs, which in the context of the time were men who had been castrated; but people more recently have drawn parallels to people of different genders (a good spot to point out that there are actually six genders in the original Jewish). Regardless, the point is clear that this is not intended to be the case and rule for all people and all times, and Jesus himself says so. So, again, this is not useful to us here.

To summarise - yes, Jesus spoke to relationships. But only to married relationships, and divorce, which is not relevant to many people practicing ethical non-monogamy; and Jesus also says specifically that these words are not for all people.

So, lastly, other relationships in the Bible. Traditional Christians will generally say that monogamy is established in the Bible as the norm for relationships, and that other types of relationships present in the Bible are rife with problems and clearly demonstrate the error of these relationships. The most frequent example given here is Solomon, who had hundreds of wives and concubines, and started turning away from God. So let's start there, shall we?

The clear passage that refers to this is 1 Kings 11:1-13 (there isn't a clear parallel passage in 2 Chronicles), where the number of Solomon's wives and concubines are noted, and it's said that "his wives turned away his heart." [1 Kings 11:3b NRSV] How did they do this, though? "For when Solomon was old, his wives turned away his heart after other gods; and his heart was not true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of his father David." [1 Kings 11:4 NRSV] They caused him to follow other gods, because that's what they did. And he started to make sacrifices to other gods, and build altars to them, and this is what the Bible takes issue with. Solomon following other gods, because his wives tempted him to doing so. But it's not the fact that Solomon had multiple wives that has done this - it's that those wives are from other countries, other faiths, have different practices and beliefs that are opposite to his own. (I'll note, I don't think this passage means you shouldn't have a relationship with people from other backgrounds or faiths, but that's a separate issue to speak to at another time.) This issue would have arisen if Solomon had one wife, a dozen, or hundreds. Yes, having multiple wives may compound that issue (because the peer pressure multiplies), but it doesn't create it.

How about we look at a couple more relationships in the Bible that weren't monogamous? Take David, for instance. Yes, King David. Depending on how you want to count, he had probably at least seven wives, and quite possibly more (besides concubines). 1 Chronicles 3 gives us a nice count of Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, Eglah, and Bathsheba (here called Bath-shua). It does seem to miss out Saul's daughter Michal, sadly. Now, depending on exact timelines, this could instead be a case of serial monogamy (marrying, divorcing, remarrying, repeat); but we don't really have any record of David divorcing any of his wives in the text. Do we have instances of David turning away from God? Why, yes, quite stunningly, with him taking another man's wife and making her pregnant and then having her husband killed so that he could marry her himself. Is that something that was, in any way, caused or brought on by David having multiple wives or partners? Er......no. That's just David having way too many things going to his head and then trying repeatedly to cover up his shit.

How about Jacob, then? Or Israel, as they were later known. Literally the father of the nation. Two wives, Leah and Rachel. Now, to be fair, Jacob was tricked into having two wives (which is rather amusing, considering that he was one for trickery himself). Were there issues with having multiple wives here? Oh, yes. But mostly because they were each fighting to give Jacob sons, and Rachel didn't have any of her own for quite some time. Having multiple wives didn't "lead Jacob astray" in any sense that we can see.

And there are many other relationships in the Bible that are non-monogamous. There are certainly plenty that are unhealthy, and not okay; but there are perhaps just as many monogamous relationships in the Bible that are unhealthy and not okay. It's also worth noting that many of these non-monogamous relationships wouldn't fall under ethical non-monogamy as we'd think about it today (though, to be fair, ethical non-monogamy as we know it today is a relatively new idea). Of course, it's important to remember that ideas like consent didn't really exist back then - or at least, not as we know it. It existed for men; and men also gave consent on behalf of their wives and daughters. It's why many of the laws in the Old Testament around rape of women refer back to their husband or father being compensated, or giving out the punishment. There was very much a sense of ownership that existed, which (thank goodness) we don't have today. But these are issues for another time. The point remains, though, that monogamous relationships are not all that we see occur in the Bible; that many such relationships existed without the Bible passing negative comment on the non-monogamous nature of those relationships; and that the Israelites did not evidently interpret the Genesis passage as being prohibitive of these relationships.

In summary of all of that - when the Bible speaks to sexual and romantic relationships, it's almost exclusively talking in the world of marriage, and what should be done in that context. It provides little or no instruction on what should occur outside of that context, and provides no real framework for romantic relationships outside of marriage - but at the same time, does not explicitly condemn or forbid these. The passages in Genesis may speak only of heterosexual monogamous marriage, but this speaks more to what the norm of the time was than what is expected and allowed for all people. Jesus spoke only about divorce, a topic which isn't necessarily relevant to non-monogamous relationships (depending on the individual circumstance), and is its own topic that can be covered another time. Relationships in the Bible were varied and not all monogamous, nor were non-monogamous relationships all cock-ups resulting in terrible and sinful behaviour.

"But what about sex outside of marriage?" the traditional Christian cries. "The Bible certainly forbids that!" Noting, first, that polyamorous relationships do not require people to be having sex, and that there are people in non-sexual polyamorous relationships for various reasons (perhaps because of being asexual, or simply by choice) - let us turn to the question of sex with someone that you are not married to. The Bible may say various things about this, depending on how you wish to define it. Are you talking about sex before being married? Are you talking about sex while you are married, but with people that you are not married to? Are you talking about sex with people that other people are married to, without their permission? That last one is adultery (or cheating), by the way, and not within what we'd call ethical non-monogamy today (because it's not ethical, in case you didn't catch that). The Bible says different things about each of these.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, if you've made it this far, most of the time that the Bible is talking about sex, it's talking about it in the context of marriage. Again, it's speaking to the time it was written. It's telling people that are already married what they should be doing (typically, not having sex with people they aren't married to). It doesn't really say anything to people that aren't married yet, or aren't planning on being married. The possible exception is 1 Corinthians 13, but this is another occasion of folks taking something that was written to a particular group of people, and trying to apply it across to everyone. This article touches on the issue a bit more rather nicely.

We do have this phrase of "sexual immorality" that pops up rather frequently across the New Testament, and traditional Christians will be eager to refer back to it. However, the problem is, the Bible doesn't give us a clear indication of what it means by this phrase. In some places it seems to be talking about adultery/cheating; but in other places, it seems to be talking about something else, because it is listed alongside adultery. So we don't really have a clear picture of what it is, or might include. Well, let's just look at the broader idea of "sexual immorality", then. It's talking about sexual acts, that are immoral. Does ethical non-monogamy fit within that? Arguably, no. Ethical non-monogamy is defined by willing consent and knowledge of all parties involved (exactly what that looks like may change depending on circumstance, but broadly speaking). That's why it's labelled 'ethical'. And, arguably, can also be labelled as 'moral'.

But what about people that are married? Does this mean that they can't have sex or relationships with other people, even with consent of all people involved? This is where it gets a bit trickier. Because the Bible can't really speak to this sort of relationship or dynamic directly - it didn't really exist at the time of writing, because of the issues around consent that we established previously. The situations the Bible seems to speak to are people committing adultery (having sex with other married people without knowledge of the partner), or going to the temple prostitutes (which was also condemned). Having sex with someone that you were not married to, while having the consent of the person that you were married to, just wasn't on the radar. As such, it's difficult to say that the Bible specifically allows it - but it's just as difficult to say that the Bible specifically condemns it.

For myself - I look back to the key ideas and values communicated by the Bible, and see if something is consistent or not with those values. Ethical non-monogamy is centred around consent, speaking to all individuals involved and being on the same page, out of love and respect for these people. Love and respect are both key ideas that come from the Bible, and from the teaching of Jesus in particular. Ethical non-monogamy also involves trust, and communication, and honesty; again, things that are brought to the forefront in Jesus's ministry.

So, surprisingly, we find that the values of ethical non-monogamy are actually quite similar to the values that are prominent in the Bible and Jesus's teachings. We see that the verses talking about what can or can't be done sexually were almost exclusively speaking to married couples, and can't really be applied across to here as much; and that what's actually much more important is active and open consent.

Where does all of this leave us, then? Well, it leaves us without a clear biblical argument against ethical non-monogamy. I'm not going to say it leaves us with a clear argument for it, because that would be taking things out of context. Just like trying to say there's a clear argument against it does. But we can see many values that parallel ethical non-monogamy that are present in the Bible; and I've seen some argue that God is in a polyamorous relationship (with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit all in relationship with each other), or that Jesus is in a polyamorous relationship with all people (drawing on the imagery used in the New Testament of Jesus being the bridegroom and the church being the bride). Take or leave these as you will; but trying to say that the Bible commends and approves only heterosexual monogamy as the sole romantic and sexual relationship structure that is compatible with being a Christian is taking much of the Bible out of context, and reading into it our own ideas that we are used to. It's a grandiose claim that just doesn't hold up to scrutiny any more. There's more than one way to do relationship right, with honesty, love, trust, empathy, and care. These aren't exclusive to heterosexual monogamy.

Song Stories: Black And White

Over the last little while, I've been sharing some stories from different songs that I've written; and to start off with, specifically from my Life To The Full EP. I've covered the first three songs on the album over the last month or so, and now we're heading towards the latter half of things. This fourth song is called Black And White. As always, the lyrics are below as a reference.

I am going to heaven, and you are going to hell
Protestants are good but Catholics they fell
God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve
And if you believe differently to us then you must leave

Black and white, it's not quite right
These lines we've drawn divide us all
Black and white, this is our plight
We say we care but we're not there
Outside the lines

If God is love and truth, then what has gone wrong
Trying to do their job, they've been doing it all along
We think we know God's ways, but we can only guess
Still we think we're right and have been more than blessed

We need to reach outside of these boxes and lines
Start caring about the people we've left on the outside
Isn't that what Jesus did when he was here with us
But crossing over lines still riles you up

From memory, this is another song that started being written on the train to work, though I don't think I finished it in the one train ride. This one took a bit longer. In case you can't tell, the first verse is very much built around these "black-and-white" statements; clear-cut, no middle-ground, no in-between, just this and that's it. And I played around with this idea for the music as well; in the chorus, it goes between two chords - one with all black notes (F# major) and one with all white notes (E minor) on the piano. The verse kinda muddies in-between, hanging on a B minor that is constantly going up to the fourth suspension or down to the second suspension. I had a bit of fun figuring all that sort of thing out.

What the song is about, though, is less fun. Historically, and still today, traditional Christianity (might be true for other religions too, but I'm speaking from my own experience) has been rather black-and-white in its thinking. Heaven, or hell. Saved, or not. Sinful, or not. Good, or evil. Now, the problem isn't so much in saying that these things exist - the problem arises when we try to draw the line between them. Because, inevitably, we get it wrong. We exclude people as "sinners" when they've done nothing wrong, and we tell them they must "repent", when there is nothing they need to repent from.

I could give you examples - but the problem is, the examples keep changing. The line keeps moving, and shifting. And it depends on who you ask, and what church they belong to, and....so, so many things. How do you decide which line is right? Well, some would say that this is where the Bible comes in. The problem is, all these people are already defining these lines by the Bible. And they're still all different, sometimes radically so.

So, what do we do then? Well.....we get rid of the lines. We don't worry about them. Might there be a line that exists? Sure. There could be. But neither of us is going to be able to figure it out. And even if we did, we'd have no way of knowing we're right while we're alive, barring God giving a handy shout to let us know. So, instead - we be kind. I speak to this at further length in this blog post earlier this year; but basically, much of what Jesus was calling us to was not about casting people out. It was not about exclusion. It was not about labelling people as sinful. It was about being caring, and loving, and kind; and particularly, especially, to those that society at large was not being very caring and loving and kind towards.

Now - many Christians will try and say that they are doing this. And they often are in some ways. But it's typically things like caring for the poor, or the sick. And do they need care? Fuck yes, of course they do, and I'm glad they're getting it (though the way that first-world countries provide support to people in third-world countries is perhaps not a barrel of worms to be diving into right now). But these are also people that are now seen as needing support by the wider community. There is a greater thrust behind it from a secular and societal level. But there are many other groups that are not so well-supported - and that the church has been doing a bang-up job of making sure things stay that way. Victims of child molestation or rape; those trying to access abortion; people that are trans, or gender-diverse, or intersex; people that are same-sex attracted, or have multi-gender attraction; people that are aromantic, asexual, or both; people of colour, or those that are black or indigenous; people that have a physical or mental disability; people that are neurodiverse; and I'm sure other folks could think of more examples. These are groups that the church has typically excluded, often by labelling them as sinful, or just not even acknowledging their existence. This is not true of all churches; but trying to find a traditional church that has not excluded any of these groups would be very difficult.

And so again, we need to get rid of our lines. Our ideas of what we think is sinful, or what isn't. That doesn't mean we just throw morality out the window; morality can still exist without those lines. Plenty of folks do so every day. But we stop letting our ideas about what is "sinful" change how we interact with people, and particularly stop us trying to change the behaviour of others. Especially when that behaviour isn't hurting people. As Christians, we seem to like trying to measure everyone up against our own yardstick, and saying that everyone needs to measure themselves by that yardstick too. It makes it very difficult when most Christians' yardsticks are not at all the same length. If you want to measure yourself, and judge your own actions in a particular way - go ahead. It's not particularly healthy and I don't encourage it, but you're free to do that. You're not, however, free to do that to others. The Bible itself even says, multiple times, that it is not our job to judge - it's God's. We seem to forget that rather quickly sometimes.

People are not black and white. This world we live in is not black and white. People are messy, and complex, and so is life. Trying to draw hard and clear lines will only guarantee that you get it wrong. Just love - be kind, and encourage others to do the same. Here, let me give you some examples to help. Using the right pronouns for someone? That's love. Recognising trans men as men, and trans women as women? That's love. Making things accessible for people with disabilities and access needs? That's love. Teaching people, and kids, about more than just heterosexuality, heteronormativity, cisgender, white society? That's love. Accepting that other people may have very different ideas about what a good life looks like to you, and loving them all the same? That's love. Intentionally listening to voices of women, people of colour, queer folks, disabled people - seeking out these voices and hearing their cries, and the hurts that you have caused; this is love.

Perhaps it is not the world that needs to repent; but the church.

Song Stories: More To Me

For this instalment of Song Stories, we have the next song from the Life To The Full EP, entitled More To Me. You can find the previous Song Stories here and here. I've pasted the lyrics for this song below, so that you can follow along and see where I'm drawing from.

Colours swirl all around me, and I don't know what to think
What's right and true, what is false or borne of hurt; and is it worth anything

What will it mean if I start down this path, for those around me and for me
Perhaps there are some roads better left unexplored, so I'll just blame curiosity

For there is more to me than what I've lived
And there is more to me than what I've believed before
There is more to me than some simple labels, cookie cutters
And we're going to sort this out

Each step another question for me now, so many "I'm not sure"s and "I don't know"s
And even if I come right back to where I was before, it will still help me to grow

Still adept at speaking in riddles, and giving non-answers
But it's my life here to live
I'm still on the journey, I'm still working this out
Maybe soon I'll have some more to give
But until then, I still know

The writing of this song was really interesting. I wrote it on the piano, and I wanted to do it in 6/8, to have that slow dance feel. And I also wanted this really nice ethereal sound happening up higher, so I came up with this motif using fifths over the top of the bass notes moving around for the verse. Think I'm fairly happy with how it worked out musically, though I can't really play it on the guitar.

This was basically my coming out song, in a way. I wrote it when I had just started figuring things out, and was pretty sure of how I identified but still had a lot of questions, and had no idea where things were going to go. As you can tell with the lyrics, there's a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of not really sure. And I also don't really spell anything out too clearly. That's partly because I wasn't really sure when I might play this - I wanted the option to maybe play it before coming out proper, just as a new song that I'd written, and not really talk too much about what it means, if I wanted to. But I didn't end up doing that, and I ended up not playing this for anyone until after I had come out publicly.

But in that early period, around October/November/December last year, there was so much that I was unsure about. And there were so many questions that I had. How was this going to interact with my faith? How was this going to interact with my marriage at the time? How was this going to interact with the relationships with my friends and family? How was this going to interact with my work? (One of my jobs at the time was working at a church.)

But what I was sure about, was that this was who I was. I was queer, non-binary, polyamorous, and pan. And I was sure that exploring this was the right path to go down. That might seem kinda crazy to you, given that I was married and working at a church. But let me explain.

All of my life, I've been on a journey of self-discovery. I've wanted to know myself in deeper and fuller ways. I've lapped up every identity quiz or personality test I can get my hands on, to try and help me understand myself better. I've spent a crapton of time with my own thoughts (probably way more than I'd ever need or want), and I've done a lot of intentional work on who I am, and the sort of person that I've become.

Over the last number of years, I've also put a lot of value into being authentic. Being true. Being honest. Being me - not living a lie, not putting on a mask, not being someone else. It's something that I have to be quite intentional about. Because it's hard. It's easy to slip into rhythms and routines, and say that everything is fine, when you're really just acting out a role, playing a part. But that's not how I want to live life.

I'd known for some time that there was depth to be explored around sexuality and gender identity - I don't know quite how long, but I'd say at least a few years. But I'd shelved it; decided I'd look at it another time, that it wasn't important right now, or that there wasn't much there, perhaps. But when I finally went diving, near the end of last year - gosh, there was a lot there. And it came up all at once. It was like it had been waiting for me to start paying it some attention, and now that I was, it wasn't waiting any longer! It was all coming out at once, here I am! Which was rather a lot to work through, of course. And it was a bit of a rollercoaster for a number of months. But I came out the other side; and much the better for it.

Because the thing is, there are a lot of things that our society, for better or worse, have decided as "normal", or "default". White. Male. Heterosexual. Monogamous. Cisgender. Neurotypical. Able-bodied. There's plenty more, but let's stop there for now. Now, each of these, in and of themselves, are not inherently bad. Plenty of people that fall in these buckets have been bad, yes - but arguably, these are not inherently bad things. Where it can turn bad is when it rules out everything else. Where all the other things are seen as less, inferior, second-class, bad. And that's what has happened in our society with these things - and so this breeds discrimination, and fear, and hatred, and conflict.

So the problem doesn't come from if you are one of these things. The problem comes from if you are one of these things - and never question that. Never look into it more deeply. Never understand why people would be anything different, anything other, than what you have known and grown up with. Now, for some of these things, that's going to look very different than it will other things. I'm white. I can't not be white. What is possible is that I could discover that I had an ancestor somewhere in my line from a non-white background that I didn't expect - but that's a little bit different than looking into sexuality, and figuring out that you're bisexual rather than straight, for instance.

But the point isn't to change who you are. It's not about trying to change you from cis to trans, or from straight to gay, or anything like that. No. The point is about understanding. It's about empathy, about compassion, about going beyond your own experience. You can't really understand discrimination until you've walked a bit in the shoes of someone that it's being pointed at.

And so looking into these things deeply isn't just for people who are questioning who they are. It's for everyone. Everyone needs to be understanding these things more deeply, understanding people more deeply, so that we can love people better. "And even if I come right back to where I was before, it will still help me to grow." It's not about whether who you are changes. It's about how you act changing. And maybe you will discover more about yourself - if so, cool! - but that's not all this is about.

So, even if I got through all my questions and my journey and everything and was like, "Actually, I was wrong. I actually am a monogamous straight male." The journey would still have taught me so much, and helped me to connect to other people better, understand people more.

"But what about your marriage?" you say. "What about your job? Aren't they worth more?" And the answer is - no. No, they're not. Because the truth is always worth more. It's the most precious thing that there is. It reminds me quite a bit of a parable that Jesus uses.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which someone found and hid; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls; on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it." Matthew 13:44-46 NRSV

 The truth is worth everything. A fake life, a false life, is worth nothing. I knew that the path that I was on, and the journey that I was starting, might cost me a lot. And when I was choosing to come out, I knew that that would probably cost me a lot as well. Family, friends - but, to me, even if I lost everything else; I would have the truth. I would be living the life that I had been made to live. And, in time; I would build more relationships, find more people living in the truth as well.

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first." Matthew 19:29-30 NRSV

Well. That went perhaps a bit deeper than I expected! But that was good to work through. I hope you enjoyed that look at More To Me. Next time - it won't be so black and white.

Being Bi+

Last Thursday, September 23rd, was Bi+ Visibility Day. I didn't really know about it until just a few days beforehand. But I'm glad that I found out about it - because it gave me the opportunity to attend multiple sessions from a forum/conference run by Stand Bi Us, which has been really awesome. They've had sessions over Zoom talking about so many different issues for bi+ people, including bi-erasure, pronouns, breaking out of the binary, polyamory, talks from writers, First Nations people, an inter-generational panel, a poetry reading space, discussions around pets and books and games and plenty more. It's been a lot of fun, and a great opportunity to connect more in to queer community. But I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk a little bit about what this means and looks like for me in a bit more depth - what being bi+ has meant for me.

To start with, let's talk about what I mean when I say bi+. Bi is short for bisexual, which is someone attracted to two or more genders. Bi+ is then inclusive of other more specific identities that people have used for multi-gender attraction, including polysexual, omnisexual, pansexual, and more. And, of course, this also includes romantic attraction, not just sexual attraction; but I won't talk about the split attraction model too much here. I'll leave that to its own post, or feel free to do some of your own research there.

As I've noted before, I come from a Christian background. The sort of Christian that tended to assume people were straight and cisgender (though I hadn't even heard of the word cisgender until a few years ago), that that was the default, and anything else was a deviation from the norm and probably either sinful or a result of the broken nature of creation. And though it's been quite a while that that hasn't resonated with me or felt true to the God that I know and love, I still fell into that same thinking when it came to myself.

Because as early as I could talk or really understand sexual attraction at all, I could tell you that I was sexually attracted to men as well as women. From early in high school. But my background said that that wasn't okay - and so I called it lust. I labelled that attraction as lust, and not okay. And it took a very long time (much too long, honestly) to come to the realisation that actually, this attraction was just the same as the sexual attraction that I had to women. There really wasn't any difference. Nor was there any difference for non-binary or intersex people, people of other genders or sexes. There were different bodies and body types, yes, and I'd find different things attractive with different people - but I could be sexually attracted to any gender pretty much without differentiation that I could tell. And that's why I say that I'm pansexual.

Romantic attraction is a little bit different, though, because that wasn't as equal. I didn't find myself romantically attracted to guys when I was younger, so that wasn't something I had to try and wrestle with as well. Though perhaps if I did, maybe I would have figured these things out sooner? Who knows. More recently, though, as I've started to connect better with myself, and also just know more people; there are definitely non-binary people that I can find romantically attractive, and even some men (goodness! radical). It's kinda on a sliding scale from masculine to feminine - the more masculine someone presents, the less likely I could be romantically attracted to them, and the more feminine someone presents, the more likely I could be romantically attracted to them. But it's not a sure thing. It's just an increased or decreased likelihood of the possibility of something happening. And so that fits within me being omniromantic. I'm still romantically attracted to all genders, but not equally so.

It's interesting entering into this new space of being at home with this part of myself and who I am over the last - ten months or so now? - in a time when there's more and more knowledge and acceptance around multi-gender attracted people, but still plenty of ignorance or phobia or discrimination and the like. I haven't been at the receiving end of much of that yet; but I've also had the benefit of being in lockdown for much of the time. I'm sure difficulties and hardship will come in time. But right now - I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful to know myself, and be honest with myself, and live as myself, not as someone else.

Some myths to dispel. It's not about "being greedy" or "indecisive". This is who I am. You don't call pizza greedy or indecisive for being bread, dairy, fatty, and possibly also protein or veggie groups all at once. That's just what it is, it wouldn't be pizza without that.
It also doesn't mean that you need to be scared about me flirting with you if you have no interest in me. I want relationships with people that are interested in me, not that aren't. I'm not trying to change what your sexuality or way of being attracted to people is. That's yours. Me being me doesn't change who you are.
We're also not just one in a million. In actuality, we make up the largest piece of the LGBTQIA+ pie - I believe it's over 40%. You might not be as familiar with us as you are with folks that are lesbian or gay, but there are actually more of us.
Being bi+, though, doesn't automatically equate to having sex with lots of people, or the desire to do so. There are folks like that who are bi+, yes. There are folks like that who aren't bi+ as well. And there are plenty of bi+ folks who are more reserved sexually too, just like there are non-bi+ folks that are. If you're wondering which I am; sorry, that's not the sort of thing that I put up on a blog post! Feel free to start a conversation; but that's not permission to be lewd right out of the gate. In all things, consent is important.

Think that's it for now! I'll probably do another one like this around being non-binary, and another around polyamory, at some point. Perhaps around neurodivergence, as well, since it's been a while since I've written about it. But I hope you liked that dive into things.

Song Stories: Screaming

Let's do another song story! If you didn't check out the previous one, you can find it here. This one is going to be about Screaming, the second song on my Life To The Full EP. Lyrics are below as a reference.

There's so much screaming in my head, all the time
Yet so little screaming comes out of this mouth, life just strolls by
So many things I see in this world that make me bleed
One day I'll count up all the drops, and make you see

That this world is a scary place for all of us
And this world has so much to give, but it's not enough
For we are the monsters in this fairytale
Yes we are the reason that I'm screaming here

You might think you're the exception to the rule
But everyone is a monster, and you're the fool
Yes all of us have made someone bleed, don't you know
Maybe you've made yourself forget that it's so

Today is the start of something new
Today we start to disappear
Cause this world we're in it's screaming
Yeah, this world we're in, it's screaming, it's screaming

Let's get into it! Like the previous song, this one is a little out of my usual style; probably not as much, but a little. It's heavier rock than what I'd usually do, musically. But it's fairly fun to play, and pretty simple (as was the previous one). I also came up with a music video idea for this one, actually! I think this one was a claymation idea that I had, with monsters. As you do. Probably easier to do than the previous one, but still well beyond my own skills.

I wrote this one on the train on the way to work one day, later last year I'm fairly sure. I hadn't written anything in a fair while, and I wanted to just get something down. So I started writing - and this is what came out. And I was really happy with it, so it stayed pretty much as is.

Lyrically, there are two different ideas that I'm kinda attempting to weave in together here; it sorta works, sorta doesn't. The first, which most of the song spends time on, is what we're doing to this world - how "this world has so much to give", there are so many natural resources and things in abundance here, "but it's not enough"; we're too greedy, we take too much, and it throws the world askew. We're starting to see the effects of that, through climate change - crazy weather, natural disasters happening more and worse, sea levels rising, all of the things. "Cause this world we're in, it's screaming." Our world can't take our cruelty, and the amount that we're hurting it.

But we're not content to only be hurting the world; we also hurt each other. "All of us have made someone bleed." We are cruel, and selfish, and cold, uncaring people, so much of the time. We don't think about how our actions hurt the people around us. But we like to forget this; particularly when it comes to ourselves. "You might think you're the exception to the rule." We like to think that we're exempt. We're nice! We're good! We're gentle, and kind, and good! I can guarantee you - no matter how kind, and good, and amazing a person you are; there is always going to be someone that you hurt, in life. Probably many people. Because we make mistakes. But all too often, we don't learn from those mistakes; we make the same ones, again and again, and we keep hurting people. We keep doing harm. We keep making people bleed.

"For we are the monsters in this fairytale." We're the monsters here. That's why I'm screaming. Because I'm a monster. And you're a monster. We hurt this world, and we hurt each other - and we keep doing that, and we keep saying that it's fine. Or we're not actually hurting anyone, or anything, and this is all okay. But it's not. Each day, there is so much suffering in this world, so much screaming, that is because of us monsters. But we just act like everything is normal and fine and dandy, and we don't do anything about it. "Yet so little screaming comes out of this mouth; life just strolls by." We need to make noise. We need to start screaming. People need to realise that they're hurting people through what they do, hurting the world through what they do.

The bridge - I don't quite understand it, honestly! I'm not sure what it's saying. I think it's talking about if we just disappeared, then maybe the screaming would go away; maybe, the hurt would go away. But I don't really know. It's a bit cryptic. And I wrote it! My brain is strange.

But anyway - that's the song story for Screaming. We're two songs in to this EP - that's one third of the way done! Tune in next time to hear about what more there is to me.