A Year Of Change.

One year ago today, I wrote an email to a therapist asking about starting counselling around exploring my gender identity and sexuality. I can't remember if this was the same day that I started to think about things myself, or if it was in the days following that - this is the only concrete record I could find back that far.

I can remember a few things about those first few days. Shaving my legs, and arms, and chest. Trying a dress on. Talking to a chat helpline on the web around these issues. Thinking about it suddenly and randomly as I was walking one day. Having a conversation with myself around a theological issue - and realising that I could argue the opposite of what I'd always been taught. Doing so much research online, trying to figure out what fit for me.

I was really scared. And I was really excited. 

I was scared, because I knew how much this could change things. I knew it could mean the end of my marriage; the end of the job I had at church; the end of many relationships with family, or friends. And I didn't know what the future would look like. 

But I was also excited. Because this felt right. In a deep, fundamental way that I can't explain. It felt true, and right, and good, on an instinctual level.

I knew this was going to be hard. Probably really, really hard. But I knew that this was the direction that I needed to go. The journey that I was being led on.

And I did research as well, yes. I looked into what the Bible said about things; but from different perspectives to what I'd been taught before. Because I knew those arguments like the back of my hand. I didn't need reminding of those. Many of them had always felt hollow. So I sought out new voices, found queer Christian spaces, and started listening and engaging.

I learned so much, and I kept wanting to learn more. I was jumping in the deep end, but it also felt like that's what I'd been preparing to do for so long now. Like I knew I would head down this path one day.

I reached out to a couple of queer friends that I was close to, to understand more about their experience. They were really helpful, and kind.

It might surprise you how quickly I was able to find words that fit my own experience. I think I was basically able to figure it out within a day. But I've always been someone who's been very introspective. I know myself well. So it wasn't hard to know what matched with my experience - it was just learning new words, new definitions. But it made many things make sense.

A year on, and many things have changed. I'm now living openly and freely in my identity, and finding a lot of joy in that. I've made so many new queer friends and found so many queer spaces that I've been engaging in regularly. I've been part of affirming church communities that have been incredibly welcoming and amazing to be included in. I'm discovering more of myself, and exploring more of what it means to live into these things. There are still many unknowns - but I'm finding so many joys. I still have mental and emotional struggles (I mean, lockdown and a global pandemic will do that to you, never mind anything else), but they've been easier with the support that I've had over the past months.

I don't know what to expect over the next weeks, or months, or year. But I live in hope, and gratitude, and joy. Even up to now, there are so many experiences I've had that would have felt almost impossible a year back. And it's rather amazing. So thank you - yes, you - if you've been a positive part of my last year. For your support, and love, and time, and energy, that you've given towards me. I've treasured all of it. And I feel infinitely grateful to know you all.