Song Stories: Life To The Full

Over the past number of weeks, I've been telling some stories from the Life To The Full EP, the latest album that I've written. Today, I'll be talking about the title track. As usual, the lyrics are copied below as a reference.

I used to mask all day thinking it was a better way

So you couldn't see the chaos inside me

But I didn't have the spoons to keep up the subterfuge

Had to realise the truth that I see

Can't live just a half-life

I used to think that I was limited in my

Ways I could love but now I know that

I'm limitless and you can't keep me down, it's true

Because your words they keep falling flat

Can't live just a half-life

No I cannot live a lie 

And I'm not going to be a fool, gonna live life to the full

There's no other way that I could live now

Being real to who I am but you don't give a damn

Well I'm not playing by your rules, gonna live life to the full

And now I know I'm free to live life true to me

Not trying to fit this square through circles

There's still wars to fight but at least they feel right

Not trying to be a hare instead of turtle

Musically, this one was a lot of fun. I was playing around with a fun progression on the guitar, and I think this is one where I did the lyrics at least partially via something I call "through-writing"; which is basically where I play out the progression, and just start singing and making stuff up as I go, and then writing it down afterwards, or in bits and pieces. I've written a few songs like this over the years, particularly on guitar, but occasionally even just singing them out a cappella and figuring out the music later.

Lyrically, there are so many things that have been condensed into the one song, so I'm going to need to break it down bit by bit.

I used to mask all day thinking it was a better way

So you couldn't see the chaos inside me

But I didn't have the spoons to keep up the subterfuge

Had to realise the truth that I see

This is referring at least in part to autism, though it's also true about the other differences within me. Neurodiverse folks will be familiar with the references to both masking and spoons here. But yeah - I grew up hiding a fair bit, and masking a fair bit. And it took me time to realise that that wasn't healthy for me, and to grow I needed to live authentically to who I was. Doing that with autism started back about seven years ago, though I've been learning more and more over the last few years particularly as I've connected in to neurodiverse content creators and ND folks on social media. But it's only very recently that that's happened with sexuality, or gender identity, or relationship type. Which is where I start to go in the second verse.

I used to think that I was limited in my

Ways I could love but now I know that

I'm limitless and you can't keep me down, it's true

Because your words they keep falling flat

I grew up, as I've noted a few times before, in a Christian background that wasn't affirming of queer people or queer relationships. Heterosexual monogamous relationship was presented as the only form of legitimate relationship; the only form of romantic and sexual love that was okay. But that never made sense. Love was limitless, love was infinite. Why would it be constrained in this way that was arbitrary and constructed? Of course, when I started looking into it more deeply, I realised exactly that - that it was a construct, and the arguments against queer relationships from a Christian/biblical perspective fell flat repeatedly. They didn't stack up with either my real experience with people, or the research that other people have done into the specific verses that might be speaking to these issues. So I moved away from those rules. I moved outside of those boxes. And I found freedom.

And now I know I'm free to live life true to me

Not trying to fit this square through circles

There's still wars to fight but at least they feel right

Not trying to be a hare instead of turtle

One of the messages that you can get in some branches of Christianity is to deny yourself. To deny your own desires, your own impulses, your own thoughts or feelings; and to instead seek God, and their desires, etc. But this actually feels quite toxic, and opposite of what the Bible talks about. The Bible talks about us being made in the image of God, and God's spirit dwelling within us. As such, many of these desires that we are feeling within ourselves - can very much be interpreted as coming from God. It doesn't mean they all are, and it doesn't mean that we can't have bad desires. But interpreting our desires as unilaterally bad, or sinful, or things to be put aside - is extremely unhelpful.

As I started listening to myself, my own instincts, and what God had put within me, created in me - I was able to live authentically to myself. To live true to who I am. Which is a lot easier than trying to live as something else. The world has a way of being built for certain types of people; religious communities even more so. Trying to be a round peg in a square hole is not fun. But living authentically, and particularly being "out", to use that phraseology, enables me to find and utilise spaces that are meant for me. And finding those communities has been invaluable over the last year. I've found many people with stories that resonate with me, and people that are like me.

Living true to yourself, though, doesn't mean that all the problems go away. And it doesn't mean that you stop fighting for what is right. But your idea of what is right changes and shifts. Christianity of late has been somewhat defined by fighting against things like abortion, homosexual marriage, and even getting embroiled in things like immigration, vaccines, or if you're in America, gun policy. That's always left a rather bitter taste in my mouth. So I'm grateful to now be fighting for something that feels right, and feels good.

"Hare instead of turtle" was a clunkier line that I threw in because I didn't have a good rhyme; it sort of fits, but not as well as I'd like. It's certainly a sentiment I've had many times, of trying to keep up in fast-paced environments while feeling more like a turtle; but that doesn't relate particularly to the thrust of the song (though it does connect back to neurodiversity).

And I'm not going to be a fool, gonna live life to the full

There's no other way that I could live now

Being real to who I am but you don't give a damn

Well I'm not playing by your rules, gonna live life to the full

All of this comes back to John 10:10, a rather well-known verse in Christian circles. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (NIV) Life to the full, abundant life, is what is promised by Jesus. Not a half-life. Not a shadow of life. Abundant life. Life to the full.

That life can only be lived (I would argue) by living authentically. Living as someone else, or living as only part of yourself, isn't a life to the full. And now having experienced living authentically - there's no other way that I could live. It's really, really amazing and wonderful, and I absolutely love it. I can be real, and true, to who I am, and who I was made to be. And other people will disagree, and other people will argue, or not care what I say; well, you can choose the rules that you live your lives by. But you don't get to choose the rules for my life. I'm living mine to the full.

Can't live just a half-life

No I cannot live a lie

I can't live just a half-life; knowing what is possible, knowing what is real and true, and not living into that. I can't pretend. I cannot live a lie. The truth is hard. And the truth can hurt. And it has. But I believe that lies would hurt more. That playing pretend, and masking, and living a shadow-life, will hurt more. Of course, that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong. But that's what I think.

For now - I'm grateful to be living this life. A life to the full. An abundant life.

We're coming to the end of the song stories for this EP. There are only two left, and the last two won't have quite the same depth that the last couple have. But I hope you've enjoyed what I've had to share so far.