Polyamory and Christianity.

Today I'm going to attempt to look at polyamory (and, more broadly speaking, ethical non-monogamy) in the context of Christianity and the Bible. Specifically, I suppose, looking at the main arguments against polyamory from a biblical perspective - and why I think they fall flat. I will be restricting myself to only the biblical arguments within this blog post, because also covering the moral or ethical arguments would be much too lengthy for one post, and this will probably definitely be long enough. I'm also talking specifically about the overlap of Christianity and ethical non-monogamy; if you want to pursue ethical non-monogamy or whatever else you like but have no interest in Christianity, then that's completely different! I'm talking here about the rules that (theoretically, anyway) apply to Christians. Christian folks attempting to apply those same rules to non-Christians is not on, for various reasons (but that's another blog post!).

I will note that I'm writing as someone that was brought up in the Christian church, taught the arguments for monogamy time and again, that even went to Bible college and learned quite a bit about how to study and understand the Bible. I am not, however, a Bible scholar, and I don't pretend to be. I'm drawing on the knowledge that I have and the research that I've done (and the research that others have done), but that is far from complete.

Before we start, some definitions.

Monogamy is the practice of being married to one partner only. It typically also means being exclusive with that partner romantically and sexually.

Ethical non-monogamy (or ENM) is an umbrella term for various ethical ways of having more than one partner romantically and/or sexually. This can include polyamory, open marriage, swinging, relationship anarchy, and other things. It does not include cheating.

Polyamory refers to having (or the desire/willingness to have) multiple romantic partners (that may or may not also be sexual partners). There are various types of polyamory, that can look quite different.

Let's dive into this.

So there are two main issues that come up biblically when we look at polyamory, or indeed, ethical non-monogamy in general. The first is having multiple partners, being non-monogamous. The second is extramarital or premarital sex, or adultery, depending on the specific context. (Of course, for some people that don't have sexual partners this second issue is a moot point. But it does come up for many.) I'll tackle these one at a time. First; non-monogamy.

Most modern Christians and churches will say that monogamy is the golden standard of relationship presented by the Bible. The main biblical points they will use to argue this will be:

 - this is the obvious design of God with Adam and Eve as depicted in Genesis 

 - Jesus clearly supported this "one man, one woman" design for relationship

 - other relationships that are not monogamous in the Bible are clearly problematic and end up badly

Let's start with Genesis. The main points given here (by traditional Christians) are the fact that God created only Adam and Eve, thus establishing the model for all romantic/sexual relationships (heterosexual monogamy), and that this is confirmed specifically by Gen 2:24, "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh." [NRSV] First, it is making quite the assumption that because this is the first romantic/sexual relationship, it is setting the standard and model for all such relationships. Some would argue that this is exactly what 2:24 specifies, but it does not; it only says that Adam recognised Eve as made of his flesh, and so felt connected to her; and thus, in a similar way, the author notes, in our marriages now (the now as the author writes), when a man and a woman come together, they also become "one flesh". It is not a commentary on other forms of relationship, nor a prescription against them. It's a commentary on marriage at the time.

Secondly, most Christians acknowledge that the creation story outlined in the first chapters of Genesis is not necessarily meant to be taken all literally as written. That's not the point of these verses and this story - things like arguing over where dinosaurs fit into the seven days of creation or whether they're a literal seven days or if they're seven ages distract from the focus and intent of the passage. Saying things like, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", or that Adam didn't have multiple partners also distracts from the point. The creation story (arguably) is meant to speak to a few key points - the nature of God and who God is, the relationship of God to people, and the significance of humanity within creation. Now, can other points be drawn from these passages? Of course. But trying to say that the Genesis story is supposed to establish a pattern for the rest of time and all people is arguably taking it outside of the intent of the passage. (Though one pattern that is perhaps interesting is Adam choosing the partner that was right for him in Genesis 2. In the same way, perhaps we are free and able to choose what partner or partners are right for us? But I digress.) Just because something is the first thing, doesn't mean that it's trying to establish a pattern for everything.

So, as a summary of the Genesis argument - the creation story isn't written as a guide to marital, sexual, or romantic relationships. It contains and demonstrates one, yes, and a comparison is made to other such relations of the same kind at the time of writing - but this isn't meant to be a commandment or clear instruction on the only way to do relationship (and the Jews themselves certainly didn't interpret it this way, as we'll look at in the third argument).

Next, Jesus. Strangely enough, Jesus talked about relationships and marriage rather infrequently. We can find five points in the gospels when Jesus addresses the point directly (Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-12, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18, 20:27-40), but all of these centre around the singular issue of divorce. Depending on the circumstance, this may or may not be relevant to ethical non-monogamy; but neither divorce nor marriage are specifically required to engage in it. Traditional Christians will note here particularly the Matthew 19 passage, where Jesus refers back to the Genesis 2:24 passage, and seems to establish this as the norm, or the expectation. Yet, again, all Jesus is doing is speaking to the time - and, once more, talking only about monogamous marriage. He isn't talking about relationships outside of marriage at all (romantic, sexual, or otherwise). The end part of the Matthew 19 passage is also rather interesting. It says this: 

His disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.”  

[Matthew 19:10-12, NRSV, my emphasis] 

Jesus specifically says that these words are not for everyone. That people are different. He talks here about eunuchs, which in the context of the time were men who had been castrated; but people more recently have drawn parallels to people of different genders (a good spot to point out that there are actually six genders in the original Jewish). Regardless, the point is clear that this is not intended to be the case and rule for all people and all times, and Jesus himself says so. So, again, this is not useful to us here.

To summarise - yes, Jesus spoke to relationships. But only to married relationships, and divorce, which is not relevant to many people practicing ethical non-monogamy; and Jesus also says specifically that these words are not for all people.

So, lastly, other relationships in the Bible. Traditional Christians will generally say that monogamy is established in the Bible as the norm for relationships, and that other types of relationships present in the Bible are rife with problems and clearly demonstrate the error of these relationships. The most frequent example given here is Solomon, who had hundreds of wives and concubines, and started turning away from God. So let's start there, shall we?

The clear passage that refers to this is 1 Kings 11:1-13 (there isn't a clear parallel passage in 2 Chronicles), where the number of Solomon's wives and concubines are noted, and it's said that "his wives turned away his heart." [1 Kings 11:3b NRSV] How did they do this, though? "For when Solomon was old, his wives turned away his heart after other gods; and his heart was not true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of his father David." [1 Kings 11:4 NRSV] They caused him to follow other gods, because that's what they did. And he started to make sacrifices to other gods, and build altars to them, and this is what the Bible takes issue with. Solomon following other gods, because his wives tempted him to doing so. But it's not the fact that Solomon had multiple wives that has done this - it's that those wives are from other countries, other faiths, have different practices and beliefs that are opposite to his own. (I'll note, I don't think this passage means you shouldn't have a relationship with people from other backgrounds or faiths, but that's a separate issue to speak to at another time.) This issue would have arisen if Solomon had one wife, a dozen, or hundreds. Yes, having multiple wives may compound that issue (because the peer pressure multiplies), but it doesn't create it.

How about we look at a couple more relationships in the Bible that weren't monogamous? Take David, for instance. Yes, King David. Depending on how you want to count, he had probably at least seven wives, and quite possibly more (besides concubines). 1 Chronicles 3 gives us a nice count of Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, Eglah, and Bathsheba (here called Bath-shua). It does seem to miss out Saul's daughter Michal, sadly. Now, depending on exact timelines, this could instead be a case of serial monogamy (marrying, divorcing, remarrying, repeat); but we don't really have any record of David divorcing any of his wives in the text. Do we have instances of David turning away from God? Why, yes, quite stunningly, with him taking another man's wife and making her pregnant and then having her husband killed so that he could marry her himself. Is that something that was, in any way, caused or brought on by David having multiple wives or partners? Er......no. That's just David having way too many things going to his head and then trying repeatedly to cover up his shit.

How about Jacob, then? Or Israel, as they were later known. Literally the father of the nation. Two wives, Leah and Rachel. Now, to be fair, Jacob was tricked into having two wives (which is rather amusing, considering that he was one for trickery himself). Were there issues with having multiple wives here? Oh, yes. But mostly because they were each fighting to give Jacob sons, and Rachel didn't have any of her own for quite some time. Having multiple wives didn't "lead Jacob astray" in any sense that we can see.

And there are many other relationships in the Bible that are non-monogamous. There are certainly plenty that are unhealthy, and not okay; but there are perhaps just as many monogamous relationships in the Bible that are unhealthy and not okay. It's also worth noting that many of these non-monogamous relationships wouldn't fall under ethical non-monogamy as we'd think about it today (though, to be fair, ethical non-monogamy as we know it today is a relatively new idea). Of course, it's important to remember that ideas like consent didn't really exist back then - or at least, not as we know it. It existed for men; and men also gave consent on behalf of their wives and daughters. It's why many of the laws in the Old Testament around rape of women refer back to their husband or father being compensated, or giving out the punishment. There was very much a sense of ownership that existed, which (thank goodness) we don't have today. But these are issues for another time. The point remains, though, that monogamous relationships are not all that we see occur in the Bible; that many such relationships existed without the Bible passing negative comment on the non-monogamous nature of those relationships; and that the Israelites did not evidently interpret the Genesis passage as being prohibitive of these relationships.

In summary of all of that - when the Bible speaks to sexual and romantic relationships, it's almost exclusively talking in the world of marriage, and what should be done in that context. It provides little or no instruction on what should occur outside of that context, and provides no real framework for romantic relationships outside of marriage - but at the same time, does not explicitly condemn or forbid these. The passages in Genesis may speak only of heterosexual monogamous marriage, but this speaks more to what the norm of the time was than what is expected and allowed for all people. Jesus spoke only about divorce, a topic which isn't necessarily relevant to non-monogamous relationships (depending on the individual circumstance), and is its own topic that can be covered another time. Relationships in the Bible were varied and not all monogamous, nor were non-monogamous relationships all cock-ups resulting in terrible and sinful behaviour.

"But what about sex outside of marriage?" the traditional Christian cries. "The Bible certainly forbids that!" Noting, first, that polyamorous relationships do not require people to be having sex, and that there are people in non-sexual polyamorous relationships for various reasons (perhaps because of being asexual, or simply by choice) - let us turn to the question of sex with someone that you are not married to. The Bible may say various things about this, depending on how you wish to define it. Are you talking about sex before being married? Are you talking about sex while you are married, but with people that you are not married to? Are you talking about sex with people that other people are married to, without their permission? That last one is adultery (or cheating), by the way, and not within what we'd call ethical non-monogamy today (because it's not ethical, in case you didn't catch that). The Bible says different things about each of these.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, if you've made it this far, most of the time that the Bible is talking about sex, it's talking about it in the context of marriage. Again, it's speaking to the time it was written. It's telling people that are already married what they should be doing (typically, not having sex with people they aren't married to). It doesn't really say anything to people that aren't married yet, or aren't planning on being married. The possible exception is 1 Corinthians 13, but this is another occasion of folks taking something that was written to a particular group of people, and trying to apply it across to everyone. This article touches on the issue a bit more rather nicely.

We do have this phrase of "sexual immorality" that pops up rather frequently across the New Testament, and traditional Christians will be eager to refer back to it. However, the problem is, the Bible doesn't give us a clear indication of what it means by this phrase. In some places it seems to be talking about adultery/cheating; but in other places, it seems to be talking about something else, because it is listed alongside adultery. So we don't really have a clear picture of what it is, or might include. Well, let's just look at the broader idea of "sexual immorality", then. It's talking about sexual acts, that are immoral. Does ethical non-monogamy fit within that? Arguably, no. Ethical non-monogamy is defined by willing consent and knowledge of all parties involved (exactly what that looks like may change depending on circumstance, but broadly speaking). That's why it's labelled 'ethical'. And, arguably, can also be labelled as 'moral'.

But what about people that are married? Does this mean that they can't have sex or relationships with other people, even with consent of all people involved? This is where it gets a bit trickier. Because the Bible can't really speak to this sort of relationship or dynamic directly - it didn't really exist at the time of writing, because of the issues around consent that we established previously. The situations the Bible seems to speak to are people committing adultery (having sex with other married people without knowledge of the partner), or going to the temple prostitutes (which was also condemned). Having sex with someone that you were not married to, while having the consent of the person that you were married to, just wasn't on the radar. As such, it's difficult to say that the Bible specifically allows it - but it's just as difficult to say that the Bible specifically condemns it.

For myself - I look back to the key ideas and values communicated by the Bible, and see if something is consistent or not with those values. Ethical non-monogamy is centred around consent, speaking to all individuals involved and being on the same page, out of love and respect for these people. Love and respect are both key ideas that come from the Bible, and from the teaching of Jesus in particular. Ethical non-monogamy also involves trust, and communication, and honesty; again, things that are brought to the forefront in Jesus's ministry.

So, surprisingly, we find that the values of ethical non-monogamy are actually quite similar to the values that are prominent in the Bible and Jesus's teachings. We see that the verses talking about what can or can't be done sexually were almost exclusively speaking to married couples, and can't really be applied across to here as much; and that what's actually much more important is active and open consent.

Where does all of this leave us, then? Well, it leaves us without a clear biblical argument against ethical non-monogamy. I'm not going to say it leaves us with a clear argument for it, because that would be taking things out of context. Just like trying to say there's a clear argument against it does. But we can see many values that parallel ethical non-monogamy that are present in the Bible; and I've seen some argue that God is in a polyamorous relationship (with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit all in relationship with each other), or that Jesus is in a polyamorous relationship with all people (drawing on the imagery used in the New Testament of Jesus being the bridegroom and the church being the bride). Take or leave these as you will; but trying to say that the Bible commends and approves only heterosexual monogamy as the sole romantic and sexual relationship structure that is compatible with being a Christian is taking much of the Bible out of context, and reading into it our own ideas that we are used to. It's a grandiose claim that just doesn't hold up to scrutiny any more. There's more than one way to do relationship right, with honesty, love, trust, empathy, and care. These aren't exclusive to heterosexual monogamy.