Song Stories: More To Me

For this instalment of Song Stories, we have the next song from the Life To The Full EP, entitled More To Me. You can find the previous Song Stories here and here. I've pasted the lyrics for this song below, so that you can follow along and see where I'm drawing from.

Colours swirl all around me, and I don't know what to think
What's right and true, what is false or borne of hurt; and is it worth anything

What will it mean if I start down this path, for those around me and for me
Perhaps there are some roads better left unexplored, so I'll just blame curiosity

For there is more to me than what I've lived
And there is more to me than what I've believed before
There is more to me than some simple labels, cookie cutters
And we're going to sort this out

Each step another question for me now, so many "I'm not sure"s and "I don't know"s
And even if I come right back to where I was before, it will still help me to grow

Still adept at speaking in riddles, and giving non-answers
But it's my life here to live
I'm still on the journey, I'm still working this out
Maybe soon I'll have some more to give
But until then, I still know

The writing of this song was really interesting. I wrote it on the piano, and I wanted to do it in 6/8, to have that slow dance feel. And I also wanted this really nice ethereal sound happening up higher, so I came up with this motif using fifths over the top of the bass notes moving around for the verse. Think I'm fairly happy with how it worked out musically, though I can't really play it on the guitar.

This was basically my coming out song, in a way. I wrote it when I had just started figuring things out, and was pretty sure of how I identified but still had a lot of questions, and had no idea where things were going to go. As you can tell with the lyrics, there's a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of not really sure. And I also don't really spell anything out too clearly. That's partly because I wasn't really sure when I might play this - I wanted the option to maybe play it before coming out proper, just as a new song that I'd written, and not really talk too much about what it means, if I wanted to. But I didn't end up doing that, and I ended up not playing this for anyone until after I had come out publicly.

But in that early period, around October/November/December last year, there was so much that I was unsure about. And there were so many questions that I had. How was this going to interact with my faith? How was this going to interact with my marriage at the time? How was this going to interact with the relationships with my friends and family? How was this going to interact with my work? (One of my jobs at the time was working at a church.)

But what I was sure about, was that this was who I was. I was queer, non-binary, polyamorous, and pan. And I was sure that exploring this was the right path to go down. That might seem kinda crazy to you, given that I was married and working at a church. But let me explain.

All of my life, I've been on a journey of self-discovery. I've wanted to know myself in deeper and fuller ways. I've lapped up every identity quiz or personality test I can get my hands on, to try and help me understand myself better. I've spent a crapton of time with my own thoughts (probably way more than I'd ever need or want), and I've done a lot of intentional work on who I am, and the sort of person that I've become.

Over the last number of years, I've also put a lot of value into being authentic. Being true. Being honest. Being me - not living a lie, not putting on a mask, not being someone else. It's something that I have to be quite intentional about. Because it's hard. It's easy to slip into rhythms and routines, and say that everything is fine, when you're really just acting out a role, playing a part. But that's not how I want to live life.

I'd known for some time that there was depth to be explored around sexuality and gender identity - I don't know quite how long, but I'd say at least a few years. But I'd shelved it; decided I'd look at it another time, that it wasn't important right now, or that there wasn't much there, perhaps. But when I finally went diving, near the end of last year - gosh, there was a lot there. And it came up all at once. It was like it had been waiting for me to start paying it some attention, and now that I was, it wasn't waiting any longer! It was all coming out at once, here I am! Which was rather a lot to work through, of course. And it was a bit of a rollercoaster for a number of months. But I came out the other side; and much the better for it.

Because the thing is, there are a lot of things that our society, for better or worse, have decided as "normal", or "default". White. Male. Heterosexual. Monogamous. Cisgender. Neurotypical. Able-bodied. There's plenty more, but let's stop there for now. Now, each of these, in and of themselves, are not inherently bad. Plenty of people that fall in these buckets have been bad, yes - but arguably, these are not inherently bad things. Where it can turn bad is when it rules out everything else. Where all the other things are seen as less, inferior, second-class, bad. And that's what has happened in our society with these things - and so this breeds discrimination, and fear, and hatred, and conflict.

So the problem doesn't come from if you are one of these things. The problem comes from if you are one of these things - and never question that. Never look into it more deeply. Never understand why people would be anything different, anything other, than what you have known and grown up with. Now, for some of these things, that's going to look very different than it will other things. I'm white. I can't not be white. What is possible is that I could discover that I had an ancestor somewhere in my line from a non-white background that I didn't expect - but that's a little bit different than looking into sexuality, and figuring out that you're bisexual rather than straight, for instance.

But the point isn't to change who you are. It's not about trying to change you from cis to trans, or from straight to gay, or anything like that. No. The point is about understanding. It's about empathy, about compassion, about going beyond your own experience. You can't really understand discrimination until you've walked a bit in the shoes of someone that it's being pointed at.

And so looking into these things deeply isn't just for people who are questioning who they are. It's for everyone. Everyone needs to be understanding these things more deeply, understanding people more deeply, so that we can love people better. "And even if I come right back to where I was before, it will still help me to grow." It's not about whether who you are changes. It's about how you act changing. And maybe you will discover more about yourself - if so, cool! - but that's not all this is about.

So, even if I got through all my questions and my journey and everything and was like, "Actually, I was wrong. I actually am a monogamous straight male." The journey would still have taught me so much, and helped me to connect to other people better, understand people more.

"But what about your marriage?" you say. "What about your job? Aren't they worth more?" And the answer is - no. No, they're not. Because the truth is always worth more. It's the most precious thing that there is. It reminds me quite a bit of a parable that Jesus uses.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which someone found and hid; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls; on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it." Matthew 13:44-46 NRSV

 The truth is worth everything. A fake life, a false life, is worth nothing. I knew that the path that I was on, and the journey that I was starting, might cost me a lot. And when I was choosing to come out, I knew that that would probably cost me a lot as well. Family, friends - but, to me, even if I lost everything else; I would have the truth. I would be living the life that I had been made to live. And, in time; I would build more relationships, find more people living in the truth as well.

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first." Matthew 19:29-30 NRSV

Well. That went perhaps a bit deeper than I expected! But that was good to work through. I hope you enjoyed that look at More To Me. Next time - it won't be so black and white.