What if......it's the end?

What's happening in Ukraine is scary. And horrendous. And shit.

I feel like people in my generation have grown up very much believing that things like large-scale war, nuclear threats, all of that was in the past. We wouldn't need to worry about it again. Of course, too often we turn a blind eye to the many "smaller" wars that are still happening, in many places around the world - and my generation has certainly been worried about the climate crisis, and how that might bring the world crashing down around us.

But this is happening. Right now. And other countries seem scared to intervene, because of the sorts of weapons that Russia has at their disposal. Nuclear weapons. Which brought me to the line of thinking that I had today.

If I knew that nukes were headed my way - if I knew that I was about to die - what would I do?

It's the classic question. What do you do with your last days, last hours, last minutes? Of course, with something like nukes, depending on where they hit, it might be more like seconds, who knows. I'm not that knowledgeable on how it all works. But I was a bit surprised at where my head went.

That is, nowhere. I couldn't come up with anything. Nothing that I'd want to do.

The ones people tend to say are things like, "tell someone that you love them!" I have. I don't really have a secret romance that's haunting me. "spend the time having fun with your partner ;)" I don't have one. I have a couple of people that I've been "dating", as such, or people I've caught up with here or there, but nobody I'd call a partner. I don't have a bucket list to do things from. I think I attempted to write one up when I was a fair bit younger, but I don't think it holds true for me now.

I just. Can't think of anything. I feel like I'd just collapse into a sobbing mess the whole time. I mean, I feel a step and a nudge away from that most of the time these days, to be honest. And maybe that's more the thing. Perhaps it's more due to depression and the like than anything else. I haven't been doing great for a while. Let's put it down to a combination of the pandemic, isolation, being horrifically touch-starved, and various other things being multiple levels of shit. Plus, now, you know, war breaking out in a very public way, and very real danger in another way coming to the forefront.

I just need the world to pause for a couple of months or so while I just go into a snuggle pile. That might get me back towards being okay. It's hard to tell. Every time I spend time with people where I'm not getting any physical touch, my brain just screams at me for quite a while afterwards. I often have to physically or mentally stop myself from touching people if I'm spending any amount of time with them. It's really, really, shit and hard.

I don't have a neat bow for this. Things are shit right now. With the world. With me. The bits of light I get are few and far between, and often go out before I get there. Hope is......fleeting. I don't really have much of it left.

But yes. For those wondering. I'd rather be dealing with all of this, while being truly me, than having to pretend I'm something I'm not. Pretending I'm straight, and cisgender, and monogamous. I don't have the energy to do that. I really, really don't.