Finding Worth.

Firstly, an apology - I haven't written on here in quite some time now. That was partly due to a depressive season that I had earlier in the year which was quite bad, and sucked basically all of my energy. I had one post I wrote in the middle of that, basically talking about where I was at - but for now that one will stay in drafts. I don't need to be sending that out the wide world of the internets right now.

I also haven't really known what to write about for a while now, just in general. Whether it be here, or with poetry, or with music, or other creative endeavours, things have just been really dry. I've struggled for words, struggled to get anywhere, not really knowing where to start or what to say. So I've just been replaying some old bits for a little while. But that's not what this post is about.

I see a therapist. I've been seeing one (and the same one) since I started investigating this idea of being queer - so back in later 2020. My mental health has been up and down and all over during that time, but it's been great having someone to talk to and check in with through that. In my last session, though, we found a particular nerve - and I knew it was a nerve, on some level, but I hadn't really talked about it before. At least, not on this way.

One of my most recurring struggles, and fears, and feelings, is that I'm wasting time. That most of my days are just being thrown away, with no importance or significance to them, not doing anything that has real value. That I'll get to the end of my life, and there will just be so much time that was completely wasted, and worth nothing.

The difficulty is that, the vast majority of the time, work is like this for me. There are times when I can enjoy the work that I do, or see how it helps people, and find moments of joy within it; but all too often, it feels like I'm taking the day and throwing it into the void, and never seeing it again. And that's been true of most of the work I've done, really. Some just distract me from that better than others.

But then, even when I do have time, there are still barriers. Energy and focus being the big ones. The vast majority of the time, I have neither, or I have the first but not the second. ADHD is probably a culprit here (trying to get diagnosed and get meds for it to help, but the lines for it are miles long, with waitlists often over six months for just the first appointment), but there's only so much that I can do about that right now. And I don't really have the power (by myself, anyway) to do much about capitalism.

Switching it around, then. If I can't do much about the shitty, what's the good? Well, as I'm constantly reminded, and particularly recently - the good is people. When I'm able to connect to people, and make an impact on their lives in some way. Whether that's through directly meeting up with friends and family and helping them, or through the music I play and create, or other things that I make, or other things I'm involved with - seeing that what I do changes people's lives for the better, and brings people real joy, peace, hope, release. 

And so I try to do that more. But that also takes energy (even though it often gives me energy when I get there too) - which other things in life are really good at soaking up and taking away. But these are the things that help me find meaning and worth in life.

I could probably talk about whether that expectation of "making an impact" is healthy or not, and where that comes from, but that's probably a different post. Maybe another time.