Figuring out this year.

Well, God knows how to make a point.

I knew as soon as I started down the path of deciding to do Impart that this year was going to be different; going to be new, and going to be challenging. I knew that God was going to be taking that opportunity to do things. To lead me places.

But I didn't expect what he's done.

I thought that he was going to give me clarity in terms of ministry. Instead, he's stirred up my fears and said, "Hey, we need to work on these." I thought that something might even be happening in terms of a relationship. "Not now. You need to focus back on me."

And, no, those weren't the exact words I heard. I'm dramaticising a little, taking a bit of artistic license. I don't really 'hear' God that often. Certainly not audibly.

Now, in some ways, this is downright annoying. Because I don't particularly want to be having panic and trauma attacks in front of people. I don't particularly want to be all by myself, proper. It's been a good - well, six years or so since then.

But I know what God's trying to do. He's taking me back to the ground level. Working from the bottom up, at my foundations. If I let my fears control me and shape me - then I'm powerless as a person. I'm so restricted and tied. If I can't be comfortable by myself, if I can't rely on God to be there when I'm alone - then I'm not going to be able to build on that trust and comfort when I'm actually in a relationship.

This year, it's back to basics. Well - perhaps more the essentials, rather than the basics. What I need to get sorted first. Before anything else.