I haven't been doing well for a fair amount of time. Some people might have seen bits of that, some people probably not much - I can be good at masking it sometimes. I've grown up masking, so it's been my normal. The hard part these days is actively choosing not to mask, and figuring out what I've actually got underneath. It's tricky as well, because I'm usually better when I'm around people - and at my worst when I'm by myself. So whatever people see is usually me at my best, or at the least better than I'm actually doing. So it's easy to think I'm doing okay when I haven't been.
Part of that "not doing great" has been depression, I think. But that's hard to define a lot of the time, and can get a bit woolly for me to be able to nail down properly and get a look at. So I tend to try and reframe it, even though that's part of the picture.
It's only more recently that I've realised a big part of it has been about energy. And about relationships.
Because this relationship with Thalia has been my first time in a relationship, I didn't have any prior experience to draw on, or know what it would be like. And I think one of the biggest things that I didn't realise going in - and am really only coming to terms with more recently - is the amount of energy and time it takes.
Before I was in a relationship, I would have X amount of energy and time, let's say. Now, a solid chunk (probably the largest chunk) would get taken up by work. But then I'd have a fair bit still left over, most of the time. And so I'd be able to put that towards different things - like creative projects, music, theatre, catching up with friends, early attempts at romance, chores and the like, gaming - kinda as I liked, though circumstances would pull things this way or that.
But when you're in a relationship, suddenly, you're pouring most of that spare time and energy into the relationship. Even before we were married, we would see each other most days, and spend most of our spare time together. And that takes time and energy away from those other things. Now, that didn't really matter too much to me at first, because I was rather swept up by this amazing beautiful woman. (I still am in many ways, don't worry!) But after a time, the honeymoon period wears off, and life catches back up to you. You still find joy and fulfilment in the relationship, but if you try and find everything you want within that relationship, you'll wear both of you and the relationship out very quickly. No person can meet that expectation.
For me, I get a lot of my energy from people, and from creativity and projects I'm working on. Catching up with people, playing on the piano, working together with a group on something, being involved in a play, going for a tea with a friend - these were the sort of things that filled my bucket. But most of my energy and time were being taken up by my work and my relationship - and everything takes a little bit of energy. I was quickly finding that the things that gave me energy, I often didn't have the energy to do.
And so I was in a downward spiral, feeling worn out all the time, drained dry like a husk. There were days where I would wake up in the morning and hate the thought that I had to get through another day. Where I felt I had very little to look forward to in the day - or even in life, in some ways. Thalia was really the only thing tethering me to sanity and life, in many ways, and that wasn't really fair on her. But it's where I was at.
So, what changed? Well, on Thursday, I played the piano again. I have an old upright piano at our place that I got for free - I only had to pay to have it moved. It's probably a little out of tune, and there's a couple of dud notes, but I still love having an actual piano rather than just a keyboard to play at home.
For quite some time, though, stuff has been building up on top of it, and I don't know when the last time was that I played it. I've played music - I've got a guitar at home, and I get that out every now and then. That's been helpful. And I play the keyboard each week for church. But playing a piano just feels different - I can't quite explain it.
Anyway, I just felt a compulsion to have a go at the piano that day. I moved the stuff on the lid, opened it up, sat down.....and played. And it just felt amazing.
It felt like I'd been a fish out of water for so long, and I was suddenly swimming again. I was doing what felt natural, and right, and good. I was doing what I was made to do. I was breathing again. I had hope again, joy again, after so long with clouds in front of my eyes I was seeing light again. That's what it felt like.
And I had so much energy! So much energy. I ended up streaming (I've been trying to stream me playing music for about 20-25 minutes or so most days for the past couple of weeks or so), and you can see the energy and excitement I had. I felt like a kid again, making a new discovery. Opening up an old treasure chest. I was remembering part of me that hadn't surfaced in a long time.
It seems so inconsequential, on the one hand. I just played the piano. Nothing about my circumstances changed - I didn't change jobs, I didn't move out, I didn't suddenly find an extra magical 12 hours in the day. But it's strange how simple things can sometimes make incredible connections in our brains, particularly when we invest so much of ourselves in them. It's hard to quantify how much time, energy and love I've put into the piano. Not as much as many - but a lot. Weeks, months, and years of my life. And so coming back to that - it awakened something in me, I guess. It's hard to define it, and hard to understand it. I just know where I am now, and where I was at before.
At the same time, I also know that change is much more often temporary than permanent. I'm not expecting this to magically solve all my problems. But I'm hoping that perhaps, if I make playing the piano a more regular part of my week - it might head me in a more positive direction. I'll keep streaming it out when I do. And you're very welcome to join me.
I don't know what the future holds, or where my path is going. But I don't see music leaving any time soon. Or relationship.
PS: If you haven't figured out, I still love my wife very much! Please don't get the wrong idea from this post. I just need to have a healthier balance of things in my life.
