The 20/20 Vision Of Hindsight.

Well, it gets closer to 20/20 the further you go, at least. Because it's weird like that.

At the beginning of last year, I did this post. Go and read it, because without it this one isn't going to make much sense. Done? Good.

There was a couple of times later in that year that I had similar panic attacks, or whatever they were, but not as bad, and in different situations. One time it was in a young adults social skills group. The other when I was doing some research participation. At the time, I related each of them back to what was happening right there - each different fears that I struggled with.

But looking back, I think I can see an answer that's a bit more clear, and makes a bit more sense.
I'm the sort of person that naturally retreats from situations, when I feel unsafe. I remove myself, often physically, and go to where I do feel safe. Now, over time, I've expanded what that idea of 'safe' includes, and been able to be more comfortable in places where I previously would really not have been. But there are still things which feel unsafe, or uncomfortable for me.

In each of these three times when I had this panic attack, the commonality was this: I felt unsafe, and I couldn't retreat. I couldn't remove myself from the situation. In the one I talked about in that post, I was quite literally under fire (admittedly, from paintball guns, but still). In the second, I was in a closed room. There wasn't anywhere to go - I probably would have felt embarrassed if I just left. The third time, similarly, I was in an enclosed space. That time, thankfully, I was able to sidestep it and come up with a different solution. I might have posted about it at some point, can't remember.

But yeah. I've realised that this is something that I'm going to need to do some work on. Not exactly sure what that's going to look like - and it's probably going to be really really hard and not fun - but I know God's going to help me with it. Because he's awesome like that.

On Being Busy.

Well, it's been a while. Apparently I haven't posted for a couple of months or so. My goodness. In my defence, I've had a lot happening. Like, a lot a lot.

So, for starters, I'm working three jobs. Woo! Never particularly wanted that, but there you go. So I'm doing the warehouse job at Koorong, then found an extras role for a movie (yep, proper Hollywood movie and all) through Facebook (as you do), and I've been working on a website/online store for a company I worked for a couple of years back (which you can check out here, as we went live just this Tuesday!). So that's been taking up most, if not all, of my week for the past while.

As well as that, I've been involved in doing Sound for A Few Good Men (which was fantastic) at the Campbelltown Theatre Group, Shalom is getting ready to do a few concerts and also gearing up for our India tour at the beginning of next year (not too long now....a little bit scary, actually), I've got Life Group (like Bible study, but the idea is that you're doing life together as well, not just studying a book) on Thursday nights, then usually involved in church on Sundays. And that's not including this album that I'm still trying to make happen, or this book that I'm wanting to write! Crazy, crazy stuff.

So that has been taking up, as you can imagine, a lot of my time. Which means that the very rare time that I don't have one of these things happening - I basically just want to crash. Relax. Do nothing. Play games. Watch an episode of something online I've missed. YouTube. But then there's friends that I want to interact with; family I want to interact with; and responsibilities I have around the house (which I have been kinda terrible at, being busy and such).

But because I've been so busy, that means that these have fallen by the wayside. I'm not maintaining my relationships with my friends, or with my family. And those are things that I think are super-duper important. Particularly because I know that, especially with my family, time with them is just going to decrease - as I look towards moving out, and all that sort of thing (hopefully early next year!). And I also know that once you start to set a trend, it can get quite difficult to change once it gets going. So that's why I'm changing it now.

I've finished up with theatre for the moment; I've let the movie know that I'm doing my last day in a couple of weeks; and now that the site has launched, there's less of a rush to get things happening there. There's still a bit happening - but less. Less enough to give me some breathing room. And that's all I need, really. I like having things to do, and not sitting around and doing nothing. But if that is encroaching on my time, and effecting my relationships with my family and friends - then there's a problem. And that's not even going into how it effects my relationship with God.

So yeah. That's been my headspace - well, part of it - for the last little while. The other part has been very much about next year - but I might save that for the next post. Doing a workshop, a concert and two talks in the next forty hours. So need some sleep! Night folks.