Tips for Loving Your Trans Friend.

I've realised I haven't been writing lately nearly as much as I'd like, or as much as I used to - I used to play a much more active role in trying to represent neurospicy (and in the last few years, queer) folks online, and I'd like to start doing more of that again. 

As such, in that vein, here is the first in what I hope will be a series of posts - Tips for Loving Your [insert term here] Friend. The idea is that these posts will be aimed at folks who are adjacent to various communities, but not part of them themselves. For instance with this first one, that have trans friends, but aren't themselves trans. (Or aren't they? 👀 🥚) It's about trying to educate people who care about their friends and are well-intentioned, but perhaps need some education about a few things. They don't get it right now - so let's help them a bit. And if they already know some of these, awesome! 

Like I said, this first one will be about showing love for your trans friends. So trans folks, send this to your cis friends - cis folks, listen up! For the most part, these will be in no particular order, we'll just see how we go. 

Don't talk about H@rry P0tter. 

Yes, I know, chances are you grew up with it and loved it. What's the issue?

Well, in case you missed the memo, the author's a dick. A massive, massive, dick. So what? You think. Just because they're terrible doesn't mean I can't enjoy what they've written and such, right? Separate the author from the work and all? 

Unfortunately, this particular author is still very much alive, but very much trying to actively make trans people not be. Like, putting all her fucking money into it. And she's actively said she sees any support of HP as support of her own ideas and values. 

So just - don't. Don't buy anything HP-related, however much you've been wanting to try Hogwarts Legacy (it's kinda shitty anyway). Don't wear that Gryffindor shirt out and about when you're meeting up with your trans friend (or better yet, at all). And just don't talk about HP, unless it's specifically to dunk on the author (an allowed and encouraged exception).

But wait, you think. Why is just talking about it an issue? Well, if you talk about HP willy-nilly, chances are you either don't know this stuff about the author (which means you've been living under an absolute rock), or you don't care - you don't think it's a big deal. If it's the latter, that sends a big message to your trans friends that you don't really care about them, either. So just don't. Want to pirate it or something, or read your books that you already bought ages ago? Sure, go ahead. But don't put more dollars in her pocket; and don't let people think that you agree with her and her views.

Practice Pronouns and Names. 

One of the bigger changes for trans folks is often changing their name and/or pronouns. It can be quite a process to go through - both in terms of figuring out what works for them, but then also all the rigmarole of the paperwork to make it official. People will often go through different iterations of names, pronouns, or both; I used a non-gendered version of my original first name for a while, then used Raven for a bit before figuring out my new full name. And I used they/them for a while before trying they/she. 

The point is - trans people have put a lot of time and thought into this. You should put some time into it too. Practice getting their name right, practice getting their pronouns right - particularly if your friend is using they/them and you aren't familiar with that, or if your friend is using neopronouns. And if you do get their name or pronouns wrong, don't make a massive deal of it; just correct yourself, apologise briefly, move on. It doesn't need to be a saga.

Don't talk about "who they used to be".

This is a bit of a broader one, and perhaps harder to pin down. But generally speaking, just don't talk about them like they're someone who's not here any more, and you miss them, and isn't it sad - no. They're right here, now. They're more themselves than they've ever been. And they'd like you to see that too. Enjoy the person that is, rather than mourning the memory that was.

Also - don't use their old name (or deadname, as we often call it, though I don't use that for mine) with other people. That's not the sort of thing they generally want new folks knowing. Talk about who they are now and in the context of now, not in the context of before, even if you're talking about events that happened a while ago. (e.g. "Oh, have you heard of Elliott Page? He's in The Umbrella Academy, and he starred in Inception a while back. Yeah, in Juno as well, that's right!")

Give them old clothes that fit their new gender and style that you don't use/need. 

I can't quite express how grateful I am to the number of friends that have given me clothes over the last few years. Most have also been trans folks - but at the moment, most of my wardrobe (save my typical nerdy shirts and one or two things I found myself) have been given to me by others. 

Clothes shopping is hard! Particularly when you're still figuring out your body, and you're still figuring out what your style looks like now - it's difficult. Having help from other people, particularly in the form of donated clothes, can really ease a lot of stress for folks.

Listen and learn.

Listen to what your trans friend about what's going to be best for them - we're not all the same. Binary trans folks will often have quite different experiences to non-binary trans folks; people that are transmasc and transfemme are each on their own journeys and often have different communities. Language that is comfortable and affirming for one person is going to be hurtful for another; unfortunately, that's just how language works. Learn what works for the people near you, and remember it. Your trans friends will appreciate it.

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I started writing this a few weeks back, so it's a little disjointed; but hopefully people can still learn from this. Let me know what you think, and if there's a particular one that might be helpful next!