Not Working & Blinkers

The following was written a few weeks back, but I didn't want to post it in the middle of working on the play to demoralise the folks there, or distract from it. I haven't edited it since then, because it still represents fairly well where I'm at now, but I've added a few more comments at the end.

I'm feeling more....I don't want to use the word useless, but it's feeling a bit that way. 

I feel like I'm getting more lazy, less motivated, less sharp (in mind and body), more aloof, less good at keeping up with people and tasks, and just less able. More and more, things are piling up (both literally and figuratively - my room is more of a bomb site now than it's ever been) that haven't been done, things are getting put off, I'm actually finding it harder to get out of bed in the mornings (I'm a morning person, so it's usually pretty easy for me - but then, winter, so there's that), I'm having fairly frequent periods where I feel like I can't do anything, and none of it feels like it's getting better. 

Yeah, that sounds employable. 

I know that a good bunch of it is depression, and that a combination of seeing a good psychologist and getting the right medication will help. I'm just not sure what that means for me right in this season, while I'm still having to just deal with it. I've always been a bit distracted at work - I'm no workaholic by any stretch of the imagination, and I've never really had a job that I've been passionate about (though plenty of great workplaces and people to work with) - but in the bits and pieces I'm doing of work at the moment, that's even more the case. 

Add to that, the whole climate change/global warming bonanza making me feel like very little work has much point, when everything could be going belly-up before we know it. That doesn't really help the depression, either. The world falling apart around you never seems to lift the mood particularly well. 

I'm not sure what the answer is. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe it's just time. There are a few things here and there that I'm still invested in. My fiancée. The play. God. Friends. People. Music. ....I don't know if there's much else. Maybe that's enough. I guess we'll see.

Perhaps one of the things that's most difficult for me, though, is the feeling of always being in crisis mode. Emergency mode. I'm having to constantly deal with my emotional and mental state - but then also somehow find work in the middle of it, which gets me crazy stressed normally, let alone now (there really should be some sort of mental health payments for people who are finding it difficult to work - I know there are some, but the hoops you have to jump through feel like you wouldn't be able to jump through them if you actually weren't able to work) - and I feel like I'm living with blinkers on. Now, don't get me wrong, even at my best I don't tend to look ahead that far; I find it absurd when people say they have ideas about things five years, ten years ahead. I'm lucky if I can think one year ahead, my life changes that much.

But at the moment - it's almost always one day at a time. Living very much in the moment, in the right now. Which some people might say is a good thing, and it's certainly a way to live, but not to the degree that you're almost completely oblivious to plans that are coming up next week that you're supposed to have prepared for! It's quite.....difficult. Annoying. It's caught me out more than a few times in the last month or two, and meant that I've had several last-minute scrambles or situations I've gotten myself into. It's not good.

I'm trying to find a psychologist, but it's difficult to find one that isn't on the other side of the city, bulk bills, and doesn't have a waiting list of several weeks. The last time I checked in with the doctor, she suggested the possibility of bipolar, since the depression meds I've tried so far haven't worked (so far, I've tried a grand total of two). Apparently they don't have any affect if you have bipolar. I don't think I am; my moods can be a little erratic at times, but that's just because life is. I find it difficult to remove myself from the events that happen around me, and so I tend to adopt the emotions that I see. But I don't think I've had the massive upswings that you see in bipolar. I was just generally more of a happy, bouncy person before. And, a lot of the time, not so much now. I still have days, or moments when I'm like that. But it feels a lot more....fleeting.

I don't know. I'm hoping I'll be able to work through this in time, whatever it is. That it's only here for a season. I'm just not sure how long that season will be. And I'm not sure what to do while I'm in it.

The Crucible Diaries: Entry Four

Our opening weekend is done. It's been quite an experience, and we've now had about 250 people who have come and seen the show. The responses, so far, have been really good. Everyone takes something a little different from it - it's quite an intense and emotional experience, and so it is quite a lot for some people, and understandably so. But many people are really connecting to what is happening on stage, and really praising the performances of our actors, and the look and feel of the show. People love the stage, and the tree! If I haven't mentioned before - I can't recall whether I did or not - we've made an entire false stage out of wood that's raked (angled), which is something quite different. It was a bit of a monster effort, but it looks amazing. There's also this one big tree in the centre at the back, that's just incredible, and has this ethereal or spectral quality to it. And yeah, those tend to draw people's attention right away.

The weekend has certainly been tiring. It's a long show - close to three hours, including interval. Which means that we finish up at about 11pm on Friday and Saturday night - plus a bit of time for talking and packing up at the end. I had a bit of a sleep-in yesterday to catch up on sleep - I'm hoping that my body will be a bit more ready for it all by the time the next weekend comes around.

Because I'm not just sitting up the back of the theatre and watching with the audience. I'm actually up in the tech box above the audience, crafting a soundscape. I've got a little MIDI keyboard (courtesy of my housemate Josh) plugged in to my laptop and Ableton Live, which is all plugged in to the sound desk, and I perform - if that's the right word - the soundscape live as the drama unfolds. It's quite an experience. I'm using a number of different sounds for different times, and building it up and down as the tension changes. There are some things that I'm doing the same each time, or similarly - like counting up in semitones with John's attempt to list the ten commandments, or having particular leitmotifs for "witchcraft" happening - but there's a bit of improvisation as well. It's a balance of trying to craft an immersive experience, but also not overwhelming what's occurring onstage. Which is delicate sometimes, and I probably get it wrong in bits and pieces. What I'm able to hear up where I am is a little different to what people hear in different seats - so hopefully I'm not obscuring the lines on stage. I haven't heard any comments to that tune insofar, which is good.

But it's been really interesting seeing how this show has developed quite differently and uniquely. We have a raked stage; a live violinist; an ambient soundscape; we never close the curtain; we reveal the lights. There are a lot of things that are making this production just a little bit different from the norm - but perhaps that shouldn't be so surprising, given that it's me! But it's been great seeing the creativity that has been shown through the course of this show, and amazing being a part of that.

The Crucible Diaries: Entry Three

We open this Friday night.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy. When I started this project, I knew it was going to be hard, and ridiculous, and crazy, and that I was probably not going to be great at a lot of things. I didn't know that all of that was going to squish itself into the last few weeks before opening night. But, I guess, such is the way of things. It never rains, but it pours, right?

What I am very grateful for is that, though we've had many issues we've had to work through, we haven't lost a cast member. I suppose I should add a yet - there's still five days to go. Someone's bound to come down with something now.... but I've been really grateful to the cast and crew that I'm working with for their incredible patience with me as I stutter about trying to make this massive show work as a first-time director.

Thankfully, I've got a lot of help. And I've needed it! These last couple of weeks have been all hands on deck, and plenty of last-minute changes and fixes as we make sure that everything is working how it's supposed to. Is it all perfect? Nope. It can't be, and it won't be, with something this complex and with this many people involved. But it is incredible, and amazing, and powerful.

Today, I was asked what next. What show would I direct after this? And the thing is, I don't know if I would. The Crucible has been a passion project for me. It's a play that I've been passionate about for years, and fell in love with back when I encountered it in high school English about ten years ago now. I've been wanting to direct it and planning it out for about....three years I think now. There isn't another play, or musical, that I have that level of investment in. The amount of work that's required to put this on has been crazy, and I know that I haven't been doing as much as some directors do. I don't think I would have been able to get this far with this show if I didn't have this passion for the play that I do. So I don't know if there will be another play. At least, not for quite a while. I've got that musical that I've written still sitting around somewhere, if I pick it back up and try to straighten it out a bit. And there are a couple of other shows that have somewhat piqued my interest. But again - not for a while, I think. After all, I'm getting married next year! I'll be focussed elsewhere for a while.

But this, for me, has been enough for now. While I'll certainly be involved again in shows before too long - there are some crackers happening for the rest of the year, as well as next year - I won't be directing again for a good while yet. I think I'll only do it once in a blue moon; I don't have quite the right personality for it, I think. Good in some ways, but not in others.

I'm very proud and grateful to be a continuing part of this powerful show. We have nine performances, starting from this Friday, over three weekends; Friday and Saturday evenings at 8pm, and Saturday matinee at 2pm. It will be a longer show, so I'll recommend the matinee if you don't like having a later evening. It's not exactly the sort of thing you go to for a laugh and a fun night out - but if you like history, or emotion, or drama, or real stories, or characters with grit, or something a little out there - then this is for you. Don't miss it, because there hasn't been anything like this on stage for a while, and there won't be anything like it for a while yet. You can get tickets here. I hope to see you there.

The Crucible Diaries: Entry Two

Still not writing as much as I should. But let's give you folks a bit of an update.

Since I last checked in, we are now just over three weeks out from opening night, which is a little scary. But, more importantly, our stage has been built! It's looking pretty amazing, and you'll just have to come and see it rather than taking my word for it ;) There's still a bit left to build, but the big stuff is done.

This Sunday is our first full-day rehearsal. It's where things really start in earnest. There's still plenty left to do - like get lights happening, sounds working, music alongside it all, costumes on, props getting used, and lines down! It seems like a lot, because it is. But we have an amazing team, and an incredible cast, and I know we can do it. I'm just really excited that it's all happening, and still have to pinch myself sometimes that we're actually doing this.

I keep being reminded of how much of an analog it is to events happening today. For those that aren't familiar with much of the storyline; a group of girls are discovered dancing in the woods, and rather than say what they were actually doing, they accuse other people of bewitching them. At the time they lived in a theocracy, so religion, government, and the judicial system were all very much intertwined. And witchcraft was punishable by hanging. So the people accused could either go to the noose; or confess, and give up more names. What followed was an absolute tirade of names that was released, and a ridiculous number of people put in the jail and arrested. However, only twenty were executed before a halt was put to it.

These days - depending on which country you live in - the death penalty isn't around as much. But you certainly still have a demonisation of minorities, of the "other". Because of course, it was the slave from Barbados that was first accused; and then the women, particularly the poor or those that were considered immoral. These days, we find similar things occurring to refugees or immigrants; Muslims; women who have abortions or have been raped; the homeless; people from the Middle East; and many other groups besides. Governments have literally been elected based on an "us vs them" strategy. Anyone fancy building a wall? I hear there are spots going over in America....oh, and in Europe, now, too.

We don't quite have a Trump in power yet, but we do have offshore detention centres still keeping people out of our society that we think are "too dangerous" for some reason. They don't even get the chance to be heard by most of the country - they're just locked away, for who knows how long, like rats in a cage. Australia isn't always the "young and free" we'd like to think we are.

There are some, by the way, that would like to link this "invisible crime" of witchcraft to the similarly often invisible crime of rape, or sexual abuse, with things like the multiple scandals within the church of sexual abuse of children, or the #MeToo movement that was still fairly recent. But even though there are similarities - they could not be further apart. Rape is very real. Sexual abuse is very real. False reporting in both these instances is a tiny percentage - what is much more common is an absence of reporting. Some people would like to think that their idols and heroes really hadn't done all that, and these people are just liars trying to besmirch their names....but no. While I'm not saying that can't happen or is never the case, that's not what you should be comparing this to. In the vast majority of cases, those coming forward with stories of rape or sexual assault are extremely brave and vulnerable individuals who have been hurt in really serious and devastating ways. Don't try to cut them down again.

But there are many other parallels that you can see between The Crucible and our modern society. When you do come along (I'll say when, not if ;) ), you can decide for yourself which parallel seems most apparent to you. Or perhaps you'll just be taken in by the emotion of the story in itself. It has a lot of power. Either way, please join us in just over three weeks on stage, as we tread the (somewhat creaky) boards at Campbelltown Theatre to show the town of Salem in 1692, and what happened there. You can buy tickets here: https://www.trybooking.com/book/sessions?eid=408884&embed=true

The Crucible Diaries: Entry One.

I've needed to do a bit of a write-up on this for a while. I won't be able to put everything into one post, so I'll break it up a bit, and intersperse it with developments as they happen.

I thought it might be a good idea to log down some of my ideas around The Crucible. For those that don't know, I'm directing it at the moment with the Campbelltown Theatre Group. We go on stage near the end of June. It's been a long road to get here, but a worthwhile one.

I first fell in love with The Crucible when I was introduced to it, as many are, during high school English. It immediately captivated me. It was a historical drama, and I had a love for both history and drama. It played with ideas of religion, politics, family, and society, ideas that I was fascinated with or passionate about.

But the real thing that grabbed me about this play were the characters. They were real. They weren't just token people, put in there for no reason - these were real people, who lived real lives, that had depth, meaning, intentions, emotions, relationships. You could feel that, through the story and the writing. And the suffering and pain that these people went through - it was intense. You don't really see anyone at their best; everyone is under stress, under strain, going through trials and tribulations and being put through the crucible to see if they come out the other side. Many didn't - or at least, not alive.

Many actors have a dream role they want to play. This was my dream play to direct. Ever since I read it in high school, over ten years ago now, this story has stayed with me, and these characters have stayed with me. I knew that I wanted to bring this story to life on stage. A few years back, I borrowed a script from a friend, and then bought one online, to start getting ideas for how it might look and feel. I read through it repeatedly. I dove into Miller's notes on it, which were quite detailed. And last year, I got the opportunity to make a submission for a show. I hastily put as much of a team together as I could. 

The submission was accepted.

I didn't have much of an idea of what to do next. I had never directed a show before, and my first stint as assistant director was late last year. I would be learning as I went. I gathered more team members, and started to garner interest for auditions. I knew that this would be a big show that a lot of people would be keen to audition for, but it also had a big cast - twenty two. I needed to get as many to auditions as I could, particularly guys. The split was basically fifty-fifty of male to female parts, but that's never the ratio you see at the theatre. And these were some big, weighty parts, that needed to be done well. I didn't want to stuff this up.

My assistant director ended up being one of my old teachers from primary school, funnily enough. I'd worked with him before on a show, but not for a few years. He was pretty keen, and it felt like things were coming full circle. I also had another experienced director on the team that would be overseeing things, and brought many years of stagecraft and skill to the mix. I had a good friend on sound, and our go-to man was happy to do lights again. Stage manager was trickier to lock down, but the experienced person we had on team said she'd take care of that for now. And costumes. And props. She wears a lot of hats!

Auditions came around, and thankfully, we had some great talent there, and a good number of people. A few more would have been nice, but we managed okay. At the end of the day, we had almost all of our roles filled. But we had a couple of backups that might be able to fill in, and they were smaller roles. We were doing okay.

You might not know, by the way, why it's called The Crucible. It's not a word we use that frequently these days. A crucible was something used in metalwork, and smithing. It was a small metal or ceramic pot, into which you would put pieces of metal. You'd then heat the whole thing up ridiculously hot, to turn the metal inside to liquid. You'd be able to remove the impurities. You'd then pour it out into something else.

The word has since been used metaphorically, in a similar way to the phrase trial by fire, if you like. It's a test of sorts, to see whether you would come out the other side. But it's designed to refine and bring out the best - even though the heat can be intense.

The metaphor is apt in many senses. Witches used to be put through many 'tests' to see if they were witches; generally speaking, if they died they were innocent, and if they lived they were guilty. It was pretty messed up.
The people of Salem went through a test of their own, of sorts. Though most survived, none were the same afterwards. I don't know if you can say they were 'purified', though some may have tried to for a while. They were Puritans, after all.
The process of putting this show on stage has been a trial in itself. Directing a show is no mean feat, particularly for the first time. Most of the time I'm making it up as I go along. I don't know what's going to come out the other side. So far, it's looking pretty good. But I'm no prophet, or soothsayer. I'll see how it goes as I go along, and that's all I can do.

I've been going through somewhat of a personal crucible myself. I won't go through that now, but if you've been reading some of my more recent posts, you'll know what I mean.

This show has been many years in the making, and a lot of hours and work have gone into it, mostly not from me. It's a big team, for a big show. I'll leave it here for now, but I'll be doing a few more posts about it as things travel along.

But if you want to come and see it - tickets are on sale now! It is a limited season, so don't wait until opening night to get your seats. Click on the link here, and you'll find all the information you need to come see this incredible production on stage.

Dreams, Money, Family, and God

Hey folks! Apologies I haven't been keeping up with the blog series, should be doing the next post in that sometime this week. But I had another thought come to mind that I wanted to work through on here, so that's what I'm doing.

Heading back to thoughts about work and the like.
A few times, people have said to me something along the lines of, the creative stuff that you're doing is great and all, but that's a dream. By focusing on that, you're sacrificing safety, stability, security, etc. And that's an understandable argument; but one that, to some degree, you can argue against. After all, if you look in the Bible at some of what Jesus says, you'll see fairly quickly that he's not really about safety, stability, or security. In fact, he's very much about risk, challenge, the unknown, trust.

But then, people pull out their trump card. They say that by chasing these dreams, you're sacrificing family.

And that's a gut punch. The classic reference here is 1 Timothy 5:8 NLT; "But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers." I've had that one quoted at me before. And yeah, that hits a sore spot. Nobody wants to feel like they're letting down their family, that they've failed their family. And particularly as I come towards starting a family of my own, and being married at the start of next year - these fears and worries are very much real, and alive.

Then, however, I remembered something. Which may seem small - but I don't think so. Because the thing is, this isn't just a dream that I have, something that I want to do because I like the sound of it or whatever.
Instead, this is something that has repeatedly and continuously been put onto my heart by God. He has been constantly and consistently been calling me back to the albums and songs that I've written. To the book that I'm working on. To preaching. To establishing a creative community. To being there for the broken and the hurting. Yes, these are things that I'm passionate about - but that's a passion that God has placed there himself. This is a calling that God has given.

And when we reframe it this way, we suddenly have a very different discussion. Because we're no longer talking about chasing dreams or supporting a family. We're talking about following God; or following money.
In case you're unaware, this is something that Jesus is fairly clear on. "No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money." Matthew 6:24 NLT. Jesus specifically tells us - at a few points, actually - not to be chasing after things of this world. Not to be chasing after money. Not to be worrying about things like food, clothing, having a roof over your head. As Jesus continues on later in this passage, "These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." (Matthew 6:32-33 NLT)

But what does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? Well, I might be a bit off here, but I think it comes from following where the Spirit leads. As those who have done old Biblical Studies classes might (groaningly) recall, his kingdom is where God's rule and reign is. Where he is the king. So being part of his kingdom, means being under his rule. Means following what he says, where he calls me to go, what he calls me to do.

Now, does this mean that everyone should go and quit their jobs, go out into the wilderness to seek God, and expect a pile of money to fall into their laps? Er....no. That's not how it works.
Often, God works through the (seemingly) ordinary things around us. The people we interact with. The opportunities that arise. The job that you have at the moment - that could very well be the way that he's providing for you. Or it could be what he's calling you away from. I don't know. Only you and God can, really.

I'm not trying to say I've got it all figured out. I'm 26. I'm human. I don't. But I think in our modern, Western, money-centred world, we can find ourselves serving money quite easily if we're not careful. For me, that's not something I ever want to be doing. Sure, things can be nice sometimes. But people are nicer. And God is better still.

Still working out what God is doing in this time. But I'm trusting in him. Hopefully, you are too.

Big Issues: Climate Change

Well, it's starting a bit late, but here we are!

For those that aren't in the know, I'm starting a new blog series - because why not? - looking at some of the big issues in the world today. I asked Facebook what they thought those were, and these are the ones they came up with. This series won't be so much trying to solve these issues; rather, it's looking more at trying to understand why these are such big issues for here and now.

Strangely enough, one of the ones that popped up was climate change. Global warming. All this fun stuff. And so that's what we'll be tackling first.

Now. I don't really want this post to be about proving that climate change and global warming are real things. Because if you can't figure that out by now, I don't know what's going to prove it to you. Natural disasters are going crazy, temperatures are very much misbehaving, and fossil fuel companies have been trying to cover it up for decades. But let's move on from that for now.

It's not too much to say that this may well be the biggest issue of our time. Within our lifetimes, we're likely going to see things around the world getting worse and worse, even if we start making some big changes right now (which probably won't happen). How bad are we talking? Well, given enough time (and what that amount of time is is still pretty up in the air at this point), it would be looking pretty similar to an extinction-level event. We're talking about whether or not the human race will even exist, in a few generations' time. Or at least, exist in the way we know it now. That's the seriousness we're looking at this with.

And perhaps there are some (though I hope not many) more conservative Christians that welcome this idea, and see it as the promised end times - the quicker we all die, the quicker Jesus comes back! Right?
Ahem. Rest assured, that is not where I stand on the issue of climate change. This an issue of tremendous weight that we have needed to combat with serious action for decades, and have done very little about. As such, we are starting to feel the repercussions.
It's starting to get to the level where I think there are probably people that are deciding not to have kids, because they see things only getting worse, and they don't want to raise children to face that future. (Not to mention the other things we'll be talking about over the rest of the series.) And I can understand that. Things are getting pretty crazy, and a lot of the time, they don't seem to be getting any better. Maybe we'll be able to fix it, maybe we won't - but right now, we don't really know. And that's a tough spot to be in.

But hey, let's not end on too negative a note. Let's find some things that we can do. These aren't solutions - but if enough people start doing them, maybe it will help a bit.
1. Eat less meat. This is actually a thing. Meat production is super-bad for the environment. If everyone ate less meat - we'd be doing a lot better. I'm not saying everyone should turn vegetarian (though it's much easier to do these days), but less meat is good. Just make sure you're doing it properly and getting your protein and everything! Eggs are awesome.
2. Don't just recycle. Particularly with China not accepting recycling as much any more, it's tricky to know what's happening with our recycling now, and that process of things. In some cases, depending on where you are, it may just be sitting in storehouses waiting for things to happen to it, or even going to the tip. As such, it's much, much better if you can re-use things as much as possible. Buying less plastic is always good, but hopefully you know that by now. And when you do recycle - please, do it properly. The right things in the right bin. Recycling contamination isn't good.
3. Make a little noise. I'm not very good at this - but if we keep letting our politicians know that this is a big issue for us, that this is the big issue for us, then they might actually agree to do something about it. We only have so much sway as individuals, so we need to get the people that can actually do things to start doing things, you know.

I'm sure other people can add other good things to that list, but there are three to start off with.
This was a tricky issue to start with, because it's both so big, but also rather obvious in many ways - at least, in terms of why it's an issue for our time. I mean, we kinda made it one, because we done goofed and all that jazz. Hopefully we'll be able to get a bit more nuance with some of the other posts to come.

In the meantime, feel free to comment below, and let me know if you like these sorts of posts. Maybe I'll do more!

Two Weeks In.

I meant to start off the blog series yesterday, but didn't quite get there. I don't think I'll be getting there today, either. Needed to write something else first.

I'm finding myself in a very annoying loop when it comes to work. Get job -> enjoy it for a bit -> job becomes stale -> move on (usually to a different job). And depending on the job, the length at each point in the cycle has changed. But the longest I've had a job has been about two years or so. Which, to me, is crazy, because most of them have been less than a year. I've had about fifteen or so different jobs, not including volunteer positions. But to other people, who have been in jobs for five, ten, twenty years, this idea of going between so many jobs is crazy.

I've also never had a full-time job, and technically only just transitioned to a part-time one. Though I've had the equivalent of full-time (and more) hours before, I've only ever had casual work. Which generally works well for me - I like the flexibility, and never having had the full-time benefits, I don't really miss them! But I also don't get paid leave like many do.

One of the reasons that I find more hours (or the prospect of full-time work) difficult is because it allows me much less time to be creative. To do music, or acting, or writing, or poetry, or whatever else takes my fancy. Like designing board games! But then, when I do have the time - like now - I find that, generally speaking, I find it very hard to motivate myself to do these things anyway. Which seems rather counter-intuitive.

Apparently, I'm not particularly good at motivating myself. Which isn't ideal, to say the least. It's gotten worse over the last months, and I'm wondering if it's also a depression thing. I don't really know. I don't know heaps on that front.
But there are many days where I'm struggling to get anything useful done. Where things are getting put off to the next day. And the next day. I'm not getting back to people like I should. I'm forgetting things that are important. Mess is piling up. And so, I'm finding, are negative thoughts.

Though I don't think much of work - it's rather a favourite topic of mine, if you've been reading my blog at all previously - many people in this world do. And so not having a regular job (okay, I do have a regular job, but one day a week isn't much) can make you feel - less, somehow. Couple that with probable difficulty with paying the bills in the near future, and attempting to figure out what on earth you're going to be doing to sort that out - it can get you a bit down, and stressed, at times. Particularly when you're heading towards getting married early next year, which is a rather expensive thing. And then having a shared financial burden of two people, rather than just yourself.

It adds up to quite a bit, in terms of expectation. And when you feel like you can't meet that - or even worse, like you never could - that hurts. It's very difficult. And that's what I'm working through. (I should note, by the way, that these are not expectations imposed upon me by other people, or my fiancée. It's just me.)
At the moment, it's making me feel things like worthless, useless, those sorts of fun words. And somewhere, I know that they're not true. But that part of me isn't doing very well at being able to fight back at the moment. And so, I start to believe them.

Which, needless to say, isn't good. In fact, it's very not good. It's very very not good, and I need to figure out how to stop this downward spiral. So far, I've tried stopping most of work, because I was finding that that was making things harder. I think that's helped a bit, but not nearly as much as I'd hoped. Medication doesn't seem to be doing as much as I'd like yet either. Don't know if it's because I'm not taking the right type, or because I'm not taking enough. Guess we'll see when I see the doctor next. That's still a couple of weeks away. I was doing running at one point, but I need to actually have the motivation to do it. I haven't for a while. I've been playing music a bit more regularly, and that's been good. So I'll keep doing that.

I feel like I've got a lot to work through, but the busyness and money-centredness of this world doesn't allow much leeway for that.

I don't really know where I'm going. I don't think I have for a long time. I have too many ideas that are very vague and wispy, and I jump at near anything that moves.

I don't know. I just don't know. Hoping that God does.

The Big Issues.

I want to be writing a bit more, so I thought I'd do a series on here! Haven't done one of those in a while. And the series I thought I'd do is looking at the big issues of today. I'm talking global-level big here, pandemic level big, affecting humanity as a whole big.

After asking my reliable Facebook folks for some examples, and generalising the more specific ones, here's what we have insofar:
- Climate change
- Discrimination (based on race/gender/sexual identity/etc)
- Capitalism
- Nationalism/Right-wing extremism
- Overpopulation
- Food/starvation
- Religion
- Mental health

Hopefully people feel like their ideas are represented under one or more of those. If you think there's another one to add, let me know! A couple of these are a bit intertwined, so I may end up doing one post for two sometimes - it will depend a bit on length - and I may have a couple of my own that I come up with. Masculinity/femininity is one big one I'd add.

So keep an eye out for those coming soon! The idea isn't to be solving issues, but to be trying to understand why these are such big issues for today, why they've become such a problem. Hopefully it can be a good starting point for discussion and the like.

Myths About Hell.

Quite a while back, one of the things I used to do from time to time was dispel some common misconceptions that people had about Christianity. Today, after reading quite an interesting article on hell - I'll leave you to make up your own mind about it, because it does make some big claims - I thought I'd dispel some myths that people have about hell.

Myth 1: the devil rules over hell.

You see this idea a lot in popular culture - particularly depictions that show demons in hell torturing people in there, enjoying themselves, all of that sort of thing. Sorry, but this doesn't line up with what you see in the Bible at all.

Hell is clearly a place of punishment as much - if not more - for Satan and his demons than it is for people. It's where he was 'cast down' to out of heaven when he rebelled against God. He's trapped there, and he can't get out - but he still has a limited influence over this world, during this age we live in (however long that lasts for).

Myth 2: the devil created hell.

Closely related to the previous myth, this one is also no good. God created everything - the heavens, and the earth, and also a place that the devil was trapped in. That's what we call hell. The devil also can't really 'create' things. He doesn't have that power. He can only twist what God has already created.

Myth 3: hell is a place of complete separation from God.

This has become a popular idea more recently, particularly with the pushback against the more traditional 'fire and brimstone' view of hell - the idea that instead, hell is just a complete and total separation from God. However, Paul very clearly writes:

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39, New Living Translation

Nothing, in all creation, will ever be able to separate us from God's love. (You may argue that the presence of God and God's love are two different things, but seeing as God is love, I think that's a tricky argument.) Satan and hell are both part of creation. Therefore, they cannot separate us from God. God is present, in some form, in hell. Which means that his love also will be.
This seems impossible to many of us in our ideas that we have about hell, as a place of eternal torment - but God has a habit of never giving up or letting go of his people. I don't think we've seen the last chapter of this story yet.

Myth 4: hell is where you go if you've done bad things.
A slight oversimplification, but you get the gist. Many people seem to think that God works by the Ancient Egyptian model - where your heart was weighed against the feather of Ma'at, a symbol of truth and justice, to see if it was good enough. But that's not how God works.
You see, sin isn't an accumulative thing. It's not a, "how bad was your sin?" kinda thing. It's a binary thing. One or zero. Either you have sinned, or you haven't sinned. And, being human - unless you're Jesus - you have sinned. Which means there's a problem.
Thankfully, God works on the grace model. What does that mean? Basically, it means he gives us a substitute. Someone that didn't sin, who can stand in our place. (If you missed the memo, that's Jesus, by the way.) And because of Jesus, even if we've sinned - no matter how much we've done, no matter what it is we've done - God accepts us into his family, to be with him. (And if you're thinking that you've done too much bad for God to love you - keep in mind that there are examples in the Bible of murderers, prostitutes, thieves, adulterers, and even pretty much a full-on terrorist [Paul was pretty crazy] following him.)

On a related note, Satan is never described in the Bible as being red, or having a pitchfork or horns (in fact, there's very little or no description of him at all). We get bits of that from other mythologies that artists have used to influence their work.

I'll note that I haven't been definitive on what hell is, and that's partly on purpose. I like to leave room for discussion and debate, and for people to explore for themselves. But it's also because it's still something I'm working out as well! But I hope you've found these points interesting, and I might try doing a few more of these on other subjects in future. Let me know if there's anything in particular you'd like me to cover.