The Emergence Of Self.

Currently at Impart - day 3, and I've already learnt and been shown so much. Some things that I'm going to need some more time to ruminate and expand on at a later time; but this one I thought I'd do a bit on now, seeing as I'd actually done a bit on it already in many ways.

So today we looked at the Enneagram. It's a sort of personality test, with 9 types. Just the 9 numbers (123456789), and then each will have various words that are used to describe it. And it's more than just a surface level thing - it goes into your motivations, your fears, your desires, your strengths, your weaknesses, all of it. Even stuff like fashion style, and how you go with food.

So we had someone come in who has been looking at this for thirty years or something. Because it's that complex and in-depth a thing that you can look into it for that long. And she was helping us each find out where we sat - what number we were, and what that meant for us as we move forwards in life and try to grow as people.

I'll run quickly through the nine types, very generally, to give you a bit of an idea. One is the perfectionist - meticulous, analytical, calculating, etc. Two is the helper - always looking out for others, trying to help other people above themselves. Three is the performer - striving to achieve in various ways to be the best. Four is the individual - artistic, creative, needs to be different, unique and special. Five is the thinker - gathers lots of information, retains lots of information, particularly about their one topic they love. Six is the loyalist - they believe in tradition, safety and duty very highly. Seven is the adventurer - they need to have fun, party, energy, etc. Eight is the boss - they know how to use power and influence people, and play with others that have power. Nine is the peacemaker - a bit of an all-rounder, they connect to all the numbers quite well, and struggle to find their own energy.

Don't try to guess which one you are from that, because that's a very brief description, and there's a massive amount to this.

I came out as a 4 - the individualist, or tragic romantic. I believe it relates fairly well across to the INFP of Myers-Briggs if you're more familiar with that, but there are a lot of differences in the systems.

And there was a couple of things that really stood out to me today when we were going through this, that made things make some sense for me, as such.

Firstly, my dad is a 5. Apparently, that's fairly familiar ground for Aspies. I've actually got a decent chunk of 9 in me as well as 4, which means that I can be fairly comfortable with being somewhat like a few numbers around the circle. For example, I could relate to 1, 2, and 6 particularly. Now, the 4 is about emotions - heart space. Being able to share on a deep level, being able to connect. 5 more retreats into themselves a lot, and doesn't focus much on emotions. So, when I started expressing bits of 4 when I was younger - I didn't get much from my dad. So I was like, OK, since that doesn't seem to work too well, I'll just do what you do - and be a 5.
(NB: This is nothing against my Dad here. For a 5 to be able to be able to respond to something like this from a 4, without having a bit of 4 themselves, they would have to be very very developed as a person, very self-aware, etc. Firstly, that takes a heck of a lot of time (decades, and then still not guaranteed), secondly, 5s are not the best at soul-searching. Funnily enough. So not trying to say that this was something that happened because of what my Dad did - just because of who we both were. Simple as that.)
And that's what I did pretty much all the way up through at least high school, if not later. And I expressed my 4ness first through my writing, and then my music. I'm starting to go back through my old music now, and I'm seeing so much of the personality that I have now! It's actually kinda ridiculous! But very slowly, over time, the friends that God put around me helped to bring me out a bit more, back into my 4, back into where I was supposed to be in the first place. To the point where now, I almost don't identify with 5 at all. I find it difficult to retain information, barely read at all, and don't really have a hobby topic that I know everything about. My maths has also plummeted. And that reinforces for me that a bunch of that - probably not all of it, but I think a fair bit - was adopted from and copied off my dad.
(As an aside, for those interested, this somewhat contradicts/much better explains/develops my understanding of what I was trying to say in my testimony, video here.)

The other thing is that 4s are characteristically depressive and melancholic. There is an underlying sadness to them. And that's something that I've definitely had for the vast majority of my life - I believe I called it an undertone in a recent post I did. And I've always recognised its presence there - without (for the most part) being overwhelmed by it, I think. I've had a couple of bad episodes, certainly, but nothing near proper depression. In fact, these days, I would say that I have joy. I am a joyful person. And that doesn't mean that I don't have sadness, and that that depression isn't there any more, it is - but I don't let that overtake my life.

Anyway, that's quite a long post, and it is quite late. So I am going to get some sleep, and let you folks mull on that one for a bit!