The title of this blog and header text are feeling less and less appropriate moving forward. In the event that I do change them, they currently read "Kainos Zoe" and 'The musings and thoughts of a man living a new life. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." Welcome to the new.' Plus a background with birds. Yay.
As many of you know by now, I haven't been doing well for a while. If we're going on a 1 to 10 scale - I used to average around an 8, with my lowest being maybe a 4 (which I wasn't often near), and going up to 10 a fair bit. These days, my average is a 4-5, highest might be a 6 or 7, and I can go down to a 1 or a 2 at times. I'm at about there at the moment.
Depression kinda sucks. I'm seeing a psychologist once a fortnight now, but we've only had a couple of sessions so far. They've been helpful, but it's early days yet. And unfortunately, when I'm in a low spot, I tend to head towards behaviours that only continue the trend; moving away from people, retreating further inside, etc. I don't have the energy to do things. But hey, I'm writing this, so that's something.....right?
It's annoying flipping between states of "there's so much I have the potential to do, but I don't have the opportunity to use it anywhere" to "I can't even do the tiny things that I still have responsibility for". Neither is good. I'm still looking for work, but still also doubting my ability to be able to actually do any work, in my current mental/emotional state.
There's a neat little tool that my psychologist taught me about in our last session, the ACE circle. I'm attempting to make it a daily thing, but I've stalled a little. It stands for Achievement, Connectedness, and Enjoyment. Basically, the idea is that you need all three as a regular part of your life to be doing well. I'm fairly good at the Enjoyment portion most of the time. Connectedness - I have that with Thalia, and now a bit more with family (I'm living with my mum again, because no money), but not much with anyone else. Achievement is a big ol' zero most of the time. Depression is very good at making you feel like you really can't do anything. So I'm trying to do little, manageable things to tick off that portion of my life, if that makes sense.
And I've mostly been doing okay at that. But it still feels a bit shit when you feel like the least productive person you know; not even able to do this, not even able to do that....
While I know that a lot of that is not actually true in one sense, my brain tends to diminish in importance in these things. Or in its power. I mean, all of it's in the brain, I know, but yeah. Emotions seem to be ruling the roost at present, which isn't great.
I don't know if this had a point. It probably didn't. But hey. I'm writing. That's something.
I'm getting through each day, but it's hard. There are a lot of times when it feels like it's not worth the effort. I get a bit emotionally numb to the rest of the world when I'm like this. It's not good.
Anyway. That's where I'm at.
Wednesday, 28 August 2019
Thursday, 8 August 2019
Stark Clarity and Murky Obscurity
Over the past few weeks, I've suddenly been getting some real clarity from God in terms of my purpose, and what I'm here for, and what he's calling me to do. In some senses, though, it's been more of a reminder than anything else. These aren't things that are new to me; just things that he's bringing back to the forefront, and prompting me on their importance and significance.
As I said before, in some sense, I already knew these. But reframing these as central to my life, my purpose - has put a fresh perspective on things. It's caused me to rethink the various things that I'm doing, where and how I spend my time, and how I use my gifts. It's also helped me to recognise some of the gifts I've been given that I really haven't been using; particularly the gift I have to understand the Bible and to be able to communicate that to people. (I'm not sure if that comes under the spiritual gift of knowledge, wisdom, or teaching - perhaps someone with more knowledge in this area could speak to that. Or perhaps it's an overlap of two or all of them.) And I want to focus more on these.
But at the same time, this is very much a big picture view. This is an overall perspective, the broad idea, and it gives me very little clue on what to actually do here and now. It raises more questions than it answers. Questions like, what does that look like? How do I do that practically? How will I be able to do that and survive financially? How does that work with what my fiancée has been called to do? Is he calling me to put all of my time and energy into doing this in a big way, or more to let this approach permeate everything that I'm doing? How do I do this while I need to plan for supporting me and Thalia as a family?
...I don't know. And that's the difficult thing. I've gotten a clear view from the mountaintop, but right now, I'm down amongst the forest, and I can't really see the way forward. At times, it can feel very claustrophobic, and constricting. Now and then, I'll think I see a path to follow, but it ends up going nowhere, or bringing me back to the start.
Perhaps the answer is spending more time with God, and asking him to reveal a path to me. But if experience has taught me anything, it's that he has never made my path clear. He's only ever given me one step at a time, and sometimes not even that much. Most of the time, he's left it up to me to decide for myself. Which can be very scary. Perhaps the answer is going all in on trying to get these words heard. But how do I do that? The songs are all written; the book is mostly done; but I have no real following, or audience, to be able to share those messages or words to. I'm mostly speaking into an echo chamber - which isn't what he's wanting. I never did put all my eggs into one basket, to build up a following for my music early on, or anything like that. Yet he's still asking me to share these words, and so I can't have gone down the wrong path; or, at least, he feels like he can still use me where I am. I just don't know what that looks like.
Sometimes, I wish God would give me clearer instructions. But that just doesn't seem to be how he works - or at least, not with me. And that can be hard.
But I'm also grateful for what he has revealed to me. It's something that I can cling to, something I can remind myself of, and something to keep in mind as I try to move forward in life, and figure out a direction. But really, I'm still just making it up as I go.
They are that I am a messenger; given words to speak by God, understanding from God of his word (the Bible), and that I am to communicate and share this with others. That I am made to speak these words to many, not to keep them to myself. These words have been given to me in many forms - in songs, in poems, in sermons, in other writing. And these were made to be shared.
As I said before, in some sense, I already knew these. But reframing these as central to my life, my purpose - has put a fresh perspective on things. It's caused me to rethink the various things that I'm doing, where and how I spend my time, and how I use my gifts. It's also helped me to recognise some of the gifts I've been given that I really haven't been using; particularly the gift I have to understand the Bible and to be able to communicate that to people. (I'm not sure if that comes under the spiritual gift of knowledge, wisdom, or teaching - perhaps someone with more knowledge in this area could speak to that. Or perhaps it's an overlap of two or all of them.) And I want to focus more on these.
But at the same time, this is very much a big picture view. This is an overall perspective, the broad idea, and it gives me very little clue on what to actually do here and now. It raises more questions than it answers. Questions like, what does that look like? How do I do that practically? How will I be able to do that and survive financially? How does that work with what my fiancée has been called to do? Is he calling me to put all of my time and energy into doing this in a big way, or more to let this approach permeate everything that I'm doing? How do I do this while I need to plan for supporting me and Thalia as a family?
...I don't know. And that's the difficult thing. I've gotten a clear view from the mountaintop, but right now, I'm down amongst the forest, and I can't really see the way forward. At times, it can feel very claustrophobic, and constricting. Now and then, I'll think I see a path to follow, but it ends up going nowhere, or bringing me back to the start.
Perhaps the answer is spending more time with God, and asking him to reveal a path to me. But if experience has taught me anything, it's that he has never made my path clear. He's only ever given me one step at a time, and sometimes not even that much. Most of the time, he's left it up to me to decide for myself. Which can be very scary. Perhaps the answer is going all in on trying to get these words heard. But how do I do that? The songs are all written; the book is mostly done; but I have no real following, or audience, to be able to share those messages or words to. I'm mostly speaking into an echo chamber - which isn't what he's wanting. I never did put all my eggs into one basket, to build up a following for my music early on, or anything like that. Yet he's still asking me to share these words, and so I can't have gone down the wrong path; or, at least, he feels like he can still use me where I am. I just don't know what that looks like.
Sometimes, I wish God would give me clearer instructions. But that just doesn't seem to be how he works - or at least, not with me. And that can be hard.
But I'm also grateful for what he has revealed to me. It's something that I can cling to, something I can remind myself of, and something to keep in mind as I try to move forward in life, and figure out a direction. But really, I'm still just making it up as I go.
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