Stark Clarity and Murky Obscurity

Over the past few weeks, I've suddenly been getting some real clarity from God in terms of my purpose, and what I'm here for, and what he's calling me to do. In some senses, though, it's been more of a reminder than anything else. These aren't things that are new to me; just things that he's bringing back to the forefront, and prompting me on their importance and significance.

They are that I am a messenger; given words to speak by God, understanding from God of his word (the Bible), and that I am to communicate and share this with others. That I am made to speak these words to many, not to keep them to myself. These words have been given to me in many forms - in songs, in poems, in sermons, in other writing. And these were made to be shared.

As I said before, in some sense, I already knew these. But reframing these as central to my life, my purpose - has put a fresh perspective on things. It's caused me to rethink the various things that I'm doing, where and how I spend my time, and how I use my gifts. It's also helped me to recognise some of the gifts I've been given that I really haven't been using; particularly the gift I have to understand the Bible and to be able to communicate that to people. (I'm not sure if that comes under the spiritual gift of knowledge, wisdom, or teaching - perhaps someone with more knowledge in this area could speak to that. Or perhaps it's an overlap of two or all of them.) And I want to focus more on these.

But at the same time, this is very much a big picture view. This is an overall perspective, the broad idea, and it gives me very little clue on what to actually do here and now. It raises more questions than it answers. Questions like, what does that look like? How do I do that practically? How will I be able to do that and survive financially? How does that work with what my fiancée has been called to do? Is he calling me to put all of my time and energy into doing this in a big way, or more to let this approach permeate everything that I'm doing? How do I do this while I need to plan for supporting me and Thalia as a family?

...I don't know. And that's the difficult thing. I've gotten a clear view from the mountaintop, but right now, I'm down amongst the forest, and I can't really see the way forward. At times, it can feel very claustrophobic, and constricting. Now and then, I'll think I see a path to follow, but it ends up going nowhere, or bringing me back to the start.

Perhaps the answer is spending more time with God, and asking him to reveal a path to me. But if experience has taught me anything, it's that he has never made my path clear. He's only ever given me one step at a time, and sometimes not even that much. Most of the time, he's left it up to me to decide for myself. Which can be very scary. Perhaps the answer is going all in on trying to get these words heard. But how do I do that? The songs are all written; the book is mostly done; but I have no real following, or audience, to be able to share those messages or words to. I'm mostly speaking into an echo chamber - which isn't what he's wanting. I never did put all my eggs into one basket, to build up a following for my music early on, or anything like that. Yet he's still asking me to share these words, and so I can't have gone down the wrong path; or, at least, he feels like he can still use me where I am. I just don't know what that looks like.

Sometimes, I wish God would give me clearer instructions. But that just doesn't seem to be how he works - or at least, not with me. And that can be hard.
But I'm also grateful for what he has revealed to me. It's something that I can cling to, something I can remind myself of, and something to keep in mind as I try to move forward in life, and figure out a direction. But really, I'm still just making it up as I go.