On Provision.

I'm currently on my honeymoon, and so you'd think I'd have better things to do than this. But I like writing, so there.

I've been reflecting recently on the tension between God's provision, and God's calling.

The Bible is quite clear, in numerous places, about how we should trust in God to provide for us, rather than worrying about it ourselves. The classic verse is when Jesus is talking to his disciples, in Matthew I believe, using illustrations of the sparrows and the lilies, and how we are more important to God than them, and so he will take care of us in greater ways when we trust in him.

The Bible is also clear on how we should follow where God leads, or calls us to go. That we are called to do his work, each in different areas and ways, but each following him. 

I've never found it too difficult to know the things God wants me to do. Which of the things can be rather more difficult, because there seems to be a bit of a list. He's given me many gifts. But working out the provision side of things I've always found more difficult. 

I've pretty much always had enough to get by, and I've mostly been okay with that, though I've certainly had stressful times. But making that call for yourself, as I mentioned in my last post (or the one before? not sure), is rather different to making that call for somebody else as well.

Generally speaking, I've found that the work that I need to do to get the money I need to get by in life gets in the way of the things I feel God has called me to do. (I should note - these aren't things that are just a slight pull or hunch in one direction, but something that God has consistently brought up with me over time.) Sometimes, that's because of the decreased time I have. Sometimes, it's because of the decreased energy I have. Sometimes, it's because work taxes me rather more than it probably should (for the sort of work I do), and doesn't leave me with much for anything else.

Many times, that has meant that things that I have felt God has called me to do - sometimes, feeling like an urgent call - are put on the backburner. And often left there. Sometimes for years. And in the meantime, though God still has me doing bits and pieces, and learning as I go, it can feel a bit - empty. Like it has little meaning or substance, and that I'm just going around in circles. 

But, am I to take the Bible's verses about provision to mean that I should leave whatever work I have, to instead pursue what God has called me to do, trusting that he will provide for me? None of the things he has called me to do provide a reasonable or reliable income, if any all. Or is that a bad reading of the Bible, and the work I have now is his provision, and I need to be patient for these other things I feel God calling me to do? 

It's difficult to know. For the record, there are three times when I've finished up with work because I felt like it's what God wanted me to do. The first was at the end of 2013, perhaps the hardest year of my life, when I was doing work that I loved but that was killing me slowly. I ended up doing Impart (a Bible college course for young adults done in short bursts, focussing on spiritual growth and leadership) the following year. The second was at the end of 2016, when God was calling me to finish up with everything I was doing at the time, and step into something new. That eventually led to me leading the music at the church I'm at now, and meeting my future wife. The third was early last year, where I was going further and further downhill in my mental health, and needed to take a break to try and take care of myself. I tried - but still ended up getting worse. Seeing a psychologist helped. When I went back to work, things got better for a bit - and then started to go down before long again.

Each time has been both stressful and helpful in its own way, and the latter two resulted in me needing to move back home again. And each was, strangely enough, quite tight financially. But God got me through. 

But, I come back to the core question. If we have a specific - not just general, but specific - calling or leading on our lives, do we just dive into that fully, trusting that God will provide? Is that what trust and faith in him are supposed to look like, or is that being irresponsible towards your partner and family, and not thinking things through? What does God ask of us? Perhaps, as with many things, it depends on circumstances. But it always seems so murky to me.