Questions.

A few weeks back, I put up this post. As expected, it prompted a bunch of questions. Some I've answered as they've come up, but I thought I'd take the time to answer a few questions that I thought might be helpful here. This isn't meant to start another discussion, just to help people understand a bit more if they're feeling confused.

I don't know what any of these words mean. What do they mean?

That's a fair question. Many of these words feel quite new or alien to some people. It's also tricky because words can often be used in different ways in different contexts, and be used differently by different people. But this is what I understand these words/phrases (which are the ones that I identify as) to mean for me.

Queer - not heterosexual, not cisgender, or both. Cisgender means identifying with the gender that you were assigned at birth. Queer is often used as a more generic and catch-all term to encompass people of many different sexualities and genders, or by people that know they are different from the norm, but haven't quite figured out what that means or looks like yet. It can also be used in contexts outside of sexuality and gender, to talk about looking at something from a perspective outside the normal and standard.

Non-binary - not fitting neatly into the boxes of male or female. Keep in mind I'm talking about gender here, not sex. So we're talking about the psychological and mental aspects of how masculinity/femininity or otherwise are expressed, not what a body looks like or what DNA says. Non-binary is a term used by people that feel like they don't fit well into the boxes of either male or female; perhaps they feel like a bit of both, or maybe neither. Particularly because gender is essentially a social construct, many folks on the autism spectrum overlap here as well.

Omniromantic pansexual - being romantically attracted to all genders, but not equally, while being sexually attracted to all genders with little differentiation for gender.

Polyamorous - being in (or the desire to be in) more than one romantic relationship at once. Distinct from open relationships, where there can be multiple sexual relationships, but only a single romantic relationship.

But what about your promise/commitment?

This seems to be a sticking point for a bunch of people. And understandably so. Marriage is a big commitment, and it's something that I've gone back on. After only a year.

At the same time, though, better now than in five or ten years, particularly if we had started a family together. That would have been much messier and harder. Yes, better still if it was before getting married - but I don't have a time machine. Sorry folks.

So, yes, I could have figured all of this out and then tried to stay within the marriage. Honestly, I don't know how long I would have lasted. It wouldn't have been healthy for me emotionally, or mentally, or relationally. And I already wasn't doing the best. Eventually, there would have been a crack. And I would have needed to leave.

Yes, going back on my promise and commitment isn't good. And I didn't enjoy needing to do it, and didn't want to have to do it. But that was better than my emotional and mental health getting worse and worse, and not being able to live in the truth. 

How does all of this overlap with Christianity?

Surprisingly enough, there's actually quite a large number of people that are both LGBTQIA+ and Christian. In America, there was a study done - and it's about one third of all LGBTQIA+ folks are Christian, and about one half are religious. And there are a number of churches that are LGBTQIA+ affirming, to varying degrees. I've actually believed that myself for a while (with different levels of understanding over time), but haven't really felt comfortable talking about it in most of the circles I've been in. It's not hard to find some articles and the like written by people that have studied the Bible quite a bit more than you or I, talking about just this sort of thing, and how conservative readings of particular passages aren't actually accurate to the context they were written in. Google is your friend!

Isn't all of this a bit....selfish?

I understand if it looks that way from the outside in, but no. Being selfish means only caring about yourself, and not other people. That's not what I've done. I was intentionally thinking about how this would affect my partner at the time, how this would affect the church I was at, my family, and other groups I was connected with.

Self-care is not selfishness. Taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being is not selfishness. I think some people don't understand or get that sometimes. You can't really tell how someone is going from the outside looking in, or what a relationship looks like if you're not the one in it. You can guess. And sometimes that's an educated guess. But there will always be a bunch you don't and can't know, unless people specifically tell you. 

This all seems very sudden....where did this come from?

For people looking from the outside in, it can seem quite sudden. But these are actually issues I've been working through for a long time; just not on the surface. And for much of my life, I haven't had the language or knowledge to talk about much of this.

I've known to some degree about having a different sexuality since around high school. And for a number of years I would be able to describe to you how romantic attraction and sexual attraction worked differently for me.

Gender is something that hasn't been standard for as long as I can remember. I've always been questioning and challenging masculinity, and not conforming to it. Toxic masculinity wasn't a phrase back then, but it was still real. And I wasn't having a bar of it.

But like I said, I didn't have the language or knowledge to dive into any of this for most of my life, and in the circles that I grew up in, it felt like exploring these areas was very much not okay and discouraged. So I didn't.

And then, near the end of last year, this popped back up for me. It had been sleeping and dormant for a while, but it was making itself known. And I had to choose what I wanted to do about it. I could ignore it - or I could explore, and see where the truth led. And I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't pretend this part of me didn't exist any more. So I went on a journey. And this is where that journey has led me so far - quite the rollercoaster. 

Couldn't you be all of this and still be married?

Theoretically, yes. None of how I identify specifically precludes marriage. There are two main reasons that didn't work in this case. 

Firstly, that's not something that my partner at the time was really okay with, and they weren't supportive of my identity - it's difficult (and also emotionally and mentally damaging) to try and live in a relationship with that dynamic.

Secondly, I was in a marriage because that's what I was brought up to believe was the only good and right way to do romantic and sexual relationship. Not because I looked at the different ways to do relationship and was like, "this is right for me." Because it wasn't. And it isn't. In marriage, you're committing to someone for life (or at least, that's the idea). Strangely enough, that's quite the commitment. It's also something I don't have a frame of reference for, or a way to understand. My life has been about change, not staying the same. There's nothing in my life that I've chosen to do for all my life. Yes, I've always breathed, and eaten, and slept, and drank, but you don't have much choice in these things if you want to survive 😅 whereas marriage is a choice. But I don't think it's one that I understood, and I don't think it's one that's right for me. Other people can make it work, and that's awesome. But it's not for me.

How are you going?

Thank you for asking. I'm doing pretty well, considering how crazy life has been. But I wasn't before, and hadn't been for a while. And I wouldn't be doing well if I had decided to ignore this, or had tried to keep living as I was before.

What now?

Great question. Not sure. I'm kinda taking life a day at a time right now. I still have things that I'm working through and figuring out - and life doesn't really stop while you're doing that, so I'm still chugging away at that in the meantime. But basically, I'm going to keep being me. I'm going to keep writing. Keep doing music. Keep talking about things that are important to me. You'll probably hear me talking about LGBTQIA+ stuff a lot more these days, because a bunch of my headspace is focused on that right now. But I'm still me.

That's it for now. I expect that more questions will pop up in the future, and more comment wars will ensue, because of the nature of these things. But please - try to keep showing love, and grace. If you are still confused about things and have questions - confused, that is, not emotional or angry - then get in touch, and I will try to answer them, but I make no guarantees.