Looking Forward, Looking Back - 23/24

Another year is coming to an end, and another one is about to start. So let’s take a moment to look back at the year that was, and look ahead to the year that might be.

For me, 2023 had a lot that was new; but also a lot that was the same. I’m still working in the same job, despite having applied for other jobs on and off for over a year. I’m still no further ahead on the musical about queer faith that I started writing nearly two years ago now. I’m still in the middle of reading many of the same books that I was at the start of the year. I’m still not seeing many of my creative projects and ideas really go anywhere. But I’m also still surviving. Still fairly physically healthy. Still getting through each day. Which is a start.

What was different, then? Well, I moved house early this year. And then quite quickly was managing the lease, and needing to find two other housemates! But that meant being able to offer accommodation to some people that needed it, for probably cheaper than they’d be able to find otherwise. I’ve been in a consistent relationship through all this year, which has been kinda crazy. I haven’t had that in a while, and it’s been rather lovely. I visited Melbourne - a couple of times, actually! - which was a lot of fun. I marched in the Sydney Mardi Gras early this year with my church, which was amazing. I was on the board for the church for most of this year as well, and that was a new experience. I did sound for a musical, for a profit-share! That was a first. Also operated both sound and lighting for another show, when I haven’t really done lights before. I had my partner move in to my place - it wasn’t really planned, but rent increases be shit. And it’s worked out pretty well. I started a few new campaign games with friends. I finished up with the trivia host job. I kinda finished up at the church that I was at - not really something I’ve talked about online publicly, but that happened recently. Not through any ill will, just moving in different directions. I started playing public gigs again every now and then. Also started having board game nights at my place semi-regularly. And I got accepted into a music therapy course that will start next year - which brings us into 2024.

Really, that course - and the work I have - are the only concrete things I know about next year. Everything else is pretty up in the air. But, I suppose, here are some hopes. Some are probably a little optimistic and not likely going to happen, but hey, it’s still good to hope.

I hope that I can read a bit more. I have a To-Be-Read list as long as my arm, including multiple books I’ve bought relatively recently. I’d like to actually get to them. But so often I just don’t read, I spend my time watching videos and the like. So I want to put more time aside for reading.

I hope that I can play to people a bit more. I’ve loved getting back into doing gigs; actually getting to hear people’s reactions to my songs, what I’ve written, what I’m doing. It’s incredibly encouraging. I want to do more of that, and have more people hearing my music.

I hope that I can finish some projects; or at least, keep working on them. I’m very good at starting projects; coming up with a million different ideas and thoughts. But bringing them through to their completion, particularly when they require a lot of work, is something I really struggle with. I have so many projects that haven’t really moved in months. I’d like to see that change.

I hope that I can make some new connections. I love my partner dearly; but I also love a lot of other people! I am polyamorous. But, for one reason or another, nothing else has really eventuated. Which, though I’m used to, would also be nice to see change.

One that’s a bit more out of my hands - I hope that life will be less shit. It’s feeling more and more capitalist hellscape these days in multiple ways, which makes life more difficult for most people. I’m sitting pretty squarely within that. It would be nice for things to get a little better. Well. A lot better. Seems fairly impossible, but we can hope, right? But yeah. When a lot of things in the world are falling apart, it gives you less reasons to want to keep going.

I hope that the relationship I’m in will keep going. Like I said, it’s been really nice. I’d like that to continue, ideally. Would be nice if this could still be good for a while yet.

I hope I can get a different job. I really do. It’s one of the things that’s draining me the most, and just contributing to burnout. It would be nice to be able to change that for the better.

I hope that the course I’m doing next year will go well. I’m excited for it - and I think it should be good - but I haven’t done study like this for nearly ten years. So it will take some getting used to.

And I’m hoping I can spend more time with people. That’s what really brings me life. It’s a bit harder without a car to be doing those catch ups and the like, but hopefully I can still make it work.

There’s a lot I that don’t really know about next year. But hopefully, it can bring some changes for the better. 

What God Isn't.

One of the common difficulties of deconstruction, I feel, is that as old ideas start to fall apart, what you do believe becomes less clear. It becomes harder and harder to define what it is you think is true; what is God? What are they like? Things get a bit foggy sometimes. And so it can be easier, instead of trying to think about what you do think is true, to think about what you don't think is true. To look at the negative space. So, today, I'm going to look at a few things that I think God isn't.

God isn’t trying to trap us. 

I think this is a fairly common one that people think. People feel like God is lying in wait until we sin, do something wrong, to then jump out and yell “Gotcha!”. God doesn't take joy in our mistakes, unlike siblings or people on the internet can at times. God hurts with us; feels our pain, and doesn't want us to be doing things wrong just so they can catch us at it. That's not the point. God isn't trying to keep to a quota of how many people they can catch sinning every hour. I think this idea can make a lot of people walk on eggshells around a lot of things; but it's not how God works.

God isn’t weighing up our “good deeds” against our “bad deeds” to see which is bigger.

This is an old Ancient Egyptian idea, actually! Or close to. They would weigh your soul against the feather of Ma'at, and if it was lighter you would continue on into the afterlife, otherwise your soul would get eaten up and destroyed. It's also a similar idea to some parts of Catholicism - needing to counter out all of your sins through penitence, or indulgences, or purgatory, before you could get to heaven. But that's not really what God cares about; they're the sort to wipe the slate clean, give people a new start, and not really care about what's happened so far. It doesn't matter. That's the point of being made new, after all.

God isn’t distant. 

God is many things, but distant isn’t one of them. They are everywhere, always present. But not just as a silent witness or watcher - as an active communicator and engager with the world and those within it. A lot of people, I think, look around and go, "well, if God was here then all this crap wouldn't be happening!" And that's fair. I ask that question too at times, what God is doing about all of the pain and suffering in the world. But I believe that God feels it, acutely, with us. That God is among us.

The story doesn’t go, “kind and forgiving Jesus came to save us from the angry wrathful God”.

This is actually in the Bible, for a brief moment, in a sense. But it's when Job is in the midst of his pain, and suffering, and anguish - and he wishes that he had someone who would act as a mediator between him and God, so that God would stop punishing him. Because that's what he believes is happening. (Job 9:32-35, for reference.) But if that's what we believe - then Jesus and God cannot be the same. Jesus cannot be God. And - at least for most Christians - Jesus being God, being divine, is a rather fundamental part of faith.
When people do a quick glance through the Old Testament, compared to the New Testament, this is the sense that they can often get; angry God of the OT, kind Jesus of the NT. But that view and idea misses a lot of both. It misses the God who saves Hagar and Ishmael; misses the Jesus who turns over tables; misses the God who was sending birds to give this one guy bread for a number of days; misses the Jesus who was literally sitting there making a whip and then cracking it at people (John 2:15). God and Jesus are much more complex than we often make them out to be.

Humans weren’t a mistake of creation. Neither is diversity. 

We've had Ancient Egypt - I think this one is Ancient Greece, though it might be in a few creation stories. In a few creation myths, humanity is basically a mistake. An afterthought. In one in particular, there's the idea that people are made out of clay; and with some people, the gods were drunk at the potter's wheel. Accidents. But that's not the picture that the Bible paints. Rather, humanity is a focal point of creation, a joyous crescendo in this glorious symphony (okay, I may have waxed somewhat lyrical there). In the same way, diversity is not a mistake. Time and time again throughout the Bible, we see people on the margins, people on the outside, being brought to the inside. People from different cultures, people that were sick, people that were poor, people that were disabled, women, eunuchs, tax collectors, soldiers, children, and more. Now, you might say, "well, we don't see gay people or trans people in there!" Sure. Neither do we see phones or porn, but I've heard Biblical sermons around both. The point is the pattern - and the pattern is one of inclusion, of diversity. God didn't do that by accident. God set out to make a diverse world; you can see that by just looking around you.

God isn’t a puppeteer. 

It feels like this one doesn't need to be said, but I'll say it anyway. God isn't interested in puppets. If God is just making people worship and do what they want, it's not worth anything. The power - and proof - comes from choice. And that's what we do, every day; choose what we want to do with our lives. There's some choices that aren't great, and some that are probably pretty terrible. But there's some good ones in there as well.

God isn’t a wish fairy. Or Santa. 

This seems to be how some people interact with God. "If God doesn't just give me what I want, what good are they?" That's the point of prayer, right? Asking for stuff you want? Well....not exactly. But God's purpose isn't to make all of your dreams come true, and give you everything you want, and make you happy all the time. Besides, most of the time we have a rubbish idea of what's good for us. But the prosperity gospel still has a lot of followers, unfortunately. It's a nice idea; but it falls rather flat in practice.

God isn’t doing secret tests to see if you’re a true follower. 

This one seems to come from people looking at Job and going, "that happens all the time, right? God is definitely testing me!" Which rather misses the point of the book of Job. (Besides the point that it's quite possibly just a parable, rather than a recording of actual events.) It also somewhat contradicts the idea that God is all-knowing. If God knows you completely - they wouldn't need to do any sort of "tests" to see if you were a "true believer" (whatever that means). But again, that's not how God works anyway. It's not what God's interested in.

God isn’t punishing you for your sin. 

This one was still around a fair bit in Jesus' time. You can see it in the passage of John 9:1-3, where Jesus and his disciples chance across a man born blind, and they're asking him if it's because of his own sins, or the sins of his parents. And Jesus is like - actually, no. This was another idea from other religions of the time, of course; being punished for what you've done wrong. But once more, God isn't interested in punishing us, hurting us more. Often, our mistakes have enough punishment in themselves. We don't need more to add on to it. 

God isn’t talking about a far-flung future. 

In the New Testament, Jesus talks a lot about the "Kingdom of God". Many people seem to equate this to heaven; as in, the place they'd go after death. But if you actually read what Jesus was saying, most of it isn't talking about some time that's far away in the future; it's talking about now. What's happening here, on Earth, among us. The new life has already started, in many ways. But the trick is, we're part of making that real. What we do here, in this life, matters; but not because God is going to punish us if we'll do the wrong thing, or because of going to Purgatory, or going to Hell. But because we create heaven or hell, here on earth, through what we do. That in itself I could do a whole post on, but some other time.

God isn’t getting the world ready for “the Rapture”. 

This is a popular one over in America. If you're not American, you probably know the idea still through things like the "Left Behind" books/movie, or some songs of the time. If you are American, you'd probably be surprised to hear that the rapture is a very modern idea; it first came about in the early 1800s, with Edward Irving doing a fair bit of work there; and then later, further popularised by John Darby. And all of it basically comes back to one Bible passage, that was interpreted in a particular way. Which is kinda both hilarious and sad at once in a way? But that seems to be the way of things, all too often. It also seems to misconstrue the book of Revelations as being solely concerned with the future, and the end of the world, rather than in many instances being a veiled description of the actual time it was written. 

God isn't small. 

God isn’t small. And this kinda means a lot of different things at once. Yes, it means that God is big and powerful enough to have created the universe and everything in it. But it also means that they’re greater and better and more than what we think; we can’t put them in a box. Though, oh goodness, we try…

God isn't exclusively male. 

A lot of folks have grown up with the idea of God as male; not helped by the fact that the Bible tends to use he/him pronouns for God most of the time, and the name Father is often used for God. But if God is exclusively male, and humanity is made in God’s image - well, then, we have a rather large problem. Because we’re not all male. Which means - logically - that God can’t be either. (I did a whole post on this at one point if you want to read more on it.) Arguably, in fact, God is beyond gender; but within then we can find all that is in both femininity and masculinity. So I tend to use they/them pronouns for God, or sometimes she/her if I’m feeling spicy. 

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I could probably try and come up with some more. Maybe I will in another post, or maybe I'll add to this later. But this has already been sitting in my drafts for most of this year, and goodness, it feels high time to actually get it out there. Things are still pretty foggy for me a lot of the time, honestly. It gets tricky to define where I'm at; I have some ideas, but not many. This, though, is a start. And it will do for now.

An Argument For The Voice.

The other day, I got the above in my mail, and you (if you live in Australia) probably did too. It contains two things: a guide to what a referendum is in Australia and how voting will work (our last one was in 1999), and a pamphlet that contains both an argument from the Yes and No sides for the Voice, presented side by side, put together by "the majority of federal Members of Parliament and Senators who voted for or against the proposed law to alter the Constitution, and who desired to forward such an argument". Each was restricted to 2000 words. In this post, I want to spend a bit of time looking at the arguments put forward by the No side, and basically, why I think they don't hold water.

Two things first, however.
One, some reading this might not have any context for what any of this is about! So here in Australia, there is a referendum coming up to vote yes or no on creating a body called the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice. It would be able to make recommendations to Parliament about laws and situations that were relevant to First Nations people. Because at the moment, we don't have a specific group that does that. So that's what all this is about, and it's taken us a while to get here!
And two, I want to acknowledge that I am not a First Nations person, and those are the voices that people should be listening to first and foremost in this matter. I am presenting my thoughts, because I think I have a platform (small as it may be), and try to use it when I can to do some good; but I am still a white fella talking about black fella issues. So I'm noting that.

Alright! With that said - let's dive in.

Some general notes first. The "No" argument has clearly been presented in such a way that it's designed to scare. Titles are in all caps (the "Yes" argument just capitalised the first letter of each title), and words like risky, unknown, divisive, permanent, are front and centre. This is the sort of language that is designed to scare people who are unsure. It's targeted specifically at conservatives, to speak to them and how they think and feel, and will hit home and find a strong audience there. But, as we'll see - it feels like a lot of noise about not much.

The argument starts off with a summary of the whole argument, with headings of "RISKY", "UNKNOWN", "DIVISIVE", and "PERMANENT". It then launches into ten reasons that it gives to vote no. Let's tackle them one at a time.

1 - The Voice is legally risky.
They basically say here that we haven't changed the Constitution since 1977, so changing it now, ooh goodness, big and scary! Definitely don't do that, who knows what could happen! If anything, for me, hearing that we haven't changed our Constitution since 1977 - it's extremely concerning to me that we're still working off that same document, 46 years later. It's a different world now. A lot has changed since 1977! Since then, we've gotten laptops, cell phones, the internet, CDs, DVDs, GPS, Bluetooth, DNA testing, 3D printing, and much more. Trying to run a country based on ideas and thoughts from people that were around 46 years ago - that's what scares me. We shouldn't be scared about the fact that this is the first change happening for 46 years; we should be glad there's finally change happening! (And probably push for more, in fact.)

2 - There are no details.
This section is saying, there are so many things we don't know! We don't how many people it will have, or exactly how it will help, or how it will be put together, or anything like that; and that we should figure all of that out before we decide whether or not we're going to do this. The problem is, it's already taken us a long time to get here. Way too long. (Because, unsurprisingly, certain groups have been dragging their heels the whole way.) If we need to wait until we've figured out exactly what it's all going to look like - it's never going to happen. It will just get stuck in debate forever. (Which just wastes everybody's time.) We know that this is a good idea. We know that this is what we want to happen. Let's trust that the people who are put in charge of this will do it right, and figure out how best to make it work - right now, we need to make a decision to say if it's even going to happen.

3 - It divides us.
Here, the "No" argument says that this would create a permanent divide between First Nations people and other Australians, by putting this section specifically about them in the Constitution. After all, there isn't any specific section about other people groups! The problem is, there's already a divide. And this has been shown time and time again through statistics - that First Nations people are worse off when it comes to literacy rates, life expectancy, health, incarceration rates, and more. They're often treated as second-class citizens, and that's not okay. We need to do better for them, after all the shit we've done to them over the generations - invading their land, killing them, stealing their kids, and plenty more besides. This is such a small thing in comparison to all of that. It's only a starting point. But it's something.

4 - It won't help indigenous Australians.
This one's pretty simple. They say it's not actually going to help, not going to do anything - there are so many different bodies already representing First Nations people, and having something at a national level would really overlook smaller communities and such. But that's literally arguing against what this is specifically for. The Voice to Parliament is specifically to be a consulting group for the Government around issues regarding First Nations people. That's something that's dearly needed, and that currently doesn't exist. Does it solve all the problems that exist for First Nations people? Of course not. And there are no claims that it will. But it will help. And it will be in the exact spot to have the most potential to do the greatest change.

5 - No issue is beyond its scope.
This is what it says on the tin. They're concerned that they'll be able to have input on literally anything and everything, and that doesn't sound good, does it? Well, actually, it kinda does. Having more diverse voices in the room and contributing to the discussion when you're talking about things is always a positive. Being afraid of that, or pushing against that, is not a good sign. We don't need more decisions that are just being made by straight white men.

6 - It risks delays and dysfunction.
This is an extension on the previous. Since the Voice can comment on anything and everything, it's going to slow everything down and grind government to a halt. This feels mostly like fear-mongering, honestly (as do most of these arguments, to be fair). Yes, bringing more voices in can slow things down. But hey, welcome to democracy. That's basically what that is.

7 - It opens the door for activists.
Here they've kinda used a "slippery slope" argument; but also, this is actually pretty accurate. Just, like, I'd phrase it positively rather than negatively. Because there is still so much that needs to be done to help First Nations people. This is just a first little bit. We need to make changes happen. 

8 - It will be costly and bureaucratic.
This is basically saying, we don't know how much it will cost! It could be a lot! At the same time, though, this could potentially save money, by making sure that money doesn't get wasted - instead, getting it to where it needs to be.

9 - It will be permanent.
Oh no! We can't change it once it's done! Best just to not do it, right? ...again, this is fear-mongering. This shouldn't be a reason to not do something good.

10 - There are better ways forward.
They're not really clear on what these "better ways" are. They say that the process has been rushed (it's literally taken decades), and that we could just do recognition in the Constitution without actually having change - but that's frankly insulting. It's like if there was a person bleeding out on the road, and someone just pointed out, "Ah yes, they're bleeding out," but didn't actually do anything to help. It doesn't do anything to address the issues that are happening.

Hopefully, this has felt like a good look at the arguments put forward by the "No" side - and why they just don't stack up. If it's not blindingly obvious by now, I'll be voting Yes. And I would strongly implore you to do the same. This is something that has been a long time in coming, recommended by First Nations people, and will be able to help make a change for them, for the better. Let's make it happen.

Getting Angry.

During the first couple of years of Covid, it felt like there was a running joke about the prevalent use of the word "unprecedented". Things that had never happened before, that the whole world was suddenly having to deal with, in a world population much bigger than it had been for any previous pandemic.

But it feels like perhaps we need to break that word out again. For so many different reasons. (Some of these comments will be more about Australia specifically, but others are more broad)

Places are literally on fire. The Greek islands have been burning recently, with crazy high temperatures, evacuations needing to happen all over the place. But, you know, why would we try to cut our emissions? Why would we try to invest in renewable energy? Why would we stop investing in coal? Crazy ideas....

The property market is - kinda crazy? I don't have as good a sense of that, but it feels like more and more folks are finding it difficult to buy, or even rent, a place. (Speaking personally as someone who has zero plans to ever buy a place)

The price of living is climbing higher, and higher, and higher. More and more people are needing access to government support, reaching out to charities like FoodBank, and struggling to make ends meet.

Yet, at the same time, wages are not keeping up. Multiple groups of workers have campaigned for better wages and working conditions (nurses, teachers, and rail workers coming to mind), with it seems like fairly little progress. 

Likewise, the government payments to people without work, like JobSeeker, fall seriously short. Recent increases feel like a drop in the bucket, and almost laughable.

But the big companies (like, say, banks) are still making record profits. Because of course they are.

Yet it feels like we mostly just sit and take it? Like, we complain about it online. But that's about it, for the most part.

Honestly? All of this makes my blood boil. Seeing the potential, and ability, for support and help to happen, and it not happening, because apparently it's "not a priority" or it will "hurt the economy" - how about lives? There are people that are starving, people that are homeless, people that don't know how they'll make it through the week, people that are dying, because the government doesn't feel like helping. Let's put more money into the military, into nuclear submarines, into coal, into putting on fancy dinners for people and flying folks in expensive planes everywhere, rather than actually caring about human lives.

People should be marching and shouting in the streets. People should be striking, and rioting, and making those in charge listen. Making it clear that this is unacceptable. That lives are not negotiable. That they need to be called to account for what they have refused to do.

Having said that - I'm the biggest hypocrite here. I don't do any of this. I've never been in a protest march. (They're too big and noisy for me.) I don't know how to actually make change happen. I tend to stick to writing about it, singing about it, talking about it. But most of the time, I'm preaching to the choir. I'm just educating people a bit, rather than helping to make change happen.

I don't know what the path forward is. I'm tired. Life does a good job of exhausting me, draining me. It doesn't feel like I can do much sometimes. But it feels like more of us need to get angry - to do something about what's happening. To stop it. To change it.

Control Part Two

A while back, I wrote a post on control. That one was about the common belief among Christians that God is in complete control over everything, and how perhaps that belief actually isn’t true or helpful. This time, I want to talk about another belief connected to control - this time, our own.

This belief is, again, fairly simple. It is that one of the best things you can do (after, you know, being saved and all) is giving complete control of your life over to God. How different people describe this is a little different - but there are enough that have come eerily close to describing it as being a puppet (or absolutely literally saying that, thanks dcTalk), that I’ve started to think of it as the puppet belief. The desire to just be a puppet in God’s hands, not making any of your own choices, not following any of your own dreams or desires or anything, not doing anything without God telling you. This is basically how it’s represented.

Hopefully, you can already see the glaring issues with this sort of theology. But if not, then let’s dive into it a bit.

Firstly, let’s look at what the effect of this belief has. It devalues and delegitimises any dreams, desires, opinions, or strengths a person may have; and can render them either rather inactive, or to be somewhat of a pawn or puppet for a controlling religious leader. Alternatively, it can completely shift blame in someone’s mind for their own actions - because this isn’t me wanting to do these things, it’s God! This can be extremely damaging and problematic for both the individual, and those around them.

Secondly, this belief doesn’t really have any biblical basis. The Bible does talk about us following Jesus, or trusting in God, or God having a plan for us, or not trusting entirely in ourselves; but each of those ideas are a far cry from the idea of needing to give God complete control of all we do, and it abandons the ideas of free choice and free will.

And this really feels like the clincher. We are each unique and different, with our own skills, experience, opportunities, ideas; yet this belief would throw much, or all, of that away. And this feels completely counter to how we see both God and Jesus working in the Bible; empowering individuals in their own unique ways, working with who a person is rather than against them. Are we called to follow? Yes - but with who we are, with our own ideas and passions and desires, not abandoning them. After all, these have arguably also been given to us by God; a result of the Spirit within us.

We are not made to be puppets. We are made to be people. Your choices are yours to make. God trusts you with them. Even if you don’t. 

Dearest Evan Hansen.

I know I'm rather late to the party, but today I finally watched Dear Evan Hansen. I'd heard of it before many times, and Owl City's cover of "Waving Through A Window" is fantastic, but I didn't have an opportunity to see it in person - and I avoid listening to a musical's score before actually watching the show. Now, the show still isn't here in Sydney - but the movie is finally out on Netflix. Of course, it's a bit different to the musical, in multiple ways. But it certainly resonated with me, so I wanted to write down some of my thoughts.

While it's never specifically mentioned (though depression and anxiety are), it feels obvious that Evan (and I'd say also Connor, most likely) is autistic. Though I didn't have the same experience as Evan in high school exactly - I did have a group of friends - my group was the "out" group, as such. I certainly felt that loneliness, that feeling of never being noticed, or feeling like I wouldn't make an impact. And feeling like I could definitely never ever have a conversation with that girl I liked? Yep, that was a thing. Again, not to the level that we see with Evan - but much of how Evan's story started resonated with me.

Interestingly, much of the end of the story resonates with me as well - learning the value of honesty and openness, even though it's challenging. Evan posting his confession online, and then just putting his phone away, reminds me of when I came out online. That day I just turned my phone off, and I went bushwalking with some friends. I knew that there were people that were going to have very strong opinions, and very negative opinions, about that. Or perhaps it was more separating from my (at the time) wife that was the issue. I remember feeling a similar gut-wrench around when I was first starting to talk to people about looking at porn. I have a very different view on it now, but at the time, I very much held the traditional Christian view of it being quite sinful etc, and so was very much hiding it and feeling great shame and such around it. But I've talked about that at length in other places and at other times.

And that freedom and new confidence that he seems to be able to find then as well - I think that's something that I've been able to experience myself too, as I've lived more openly as myself, and been less tied down to lies or to acts or to being something I'm not. I still have challenges, fuck yes I do. But I'm able to face them much better than I used to. And some things that used to be challenges, just aren't challenges in that way any more.

On a more serious note - I've also been to that place of depression. While it doesn't plague me now as it has previously (in thanks partly to medication, and partly to a great support network), and I've never tried to take my life, I've gotten to the point of figuring out how I would do it. (Generalities, not specifics.) Sometimes you can point to this or that as the reason behind something, the cause of mood or energy being low; but sometimes, your brain just isn't working right. It's not your fault, it's not anything that's necessarily happened, it just goes weird sometimes. So figuring out how to work through that, or finding ways to not get to that really low state, are really important for people that do struggle with this.

On a less heavy note, I did quite enjoy the music. And, as usual, the romantic part of my brain got swept up in the romantic subplot pretty strongly. sighs Even when I do have someone/people that I'm in relationship with, there's still a longing and yearning there when I'm alone, which is difficult to know if it will ever feel filled. My heart - or my brain - has a difficult tendency of developing rather strong feelings for many more people than I have the time or energy for. (And also seems to have a tendency of developing feelings for people who don't have much time or energy in the first place. But that's its own thing.) 

Stories do a good job at making me feel pretty emotional. I think that's why I fell in love with them growing up - first in books, but these days more often in movies, or theatre, or shows. I think it's also why telling stories is something I often try to do in a lot of what I create. But it's also something that I need to be aware of, so that that emotion doesn't carry me away too far into making rash decisions and the like. It can be quite good, though, for just that catharsis. That's something I get from stories quite a bit.

I rather liked this movie/musical. This post wasn't really meant to be a review as such, and isn't really formatted like my typical reviews. But hey, I'll chuck in that thought there for free.

On Disability, Diversity, and Creation

This post is going to be a thorny one. Quite the can of worms, most probably. And I don't think I'll really reach a clear answer at the end; but perhaps the journey is the point.

I'm going to be talking about disability, the idea of how we are created, whether God makes mistakes, the diversity in creation, how sin may or may not affect creation, and all of that. It's a lot. So let's start, just so everyone has the backstory, with what is the common Christian stance.

That is, that people are created, or born, sinful. That we are inherently affected by sin from birth (or, for many Christians, conception). And many Christians would also claim that this is why we have disability, why there are gay and trans and queer people, why various birth defects exist, and so on. (Understand that I'm presenting a very broad and generalised view here, and there's probably more nuance here than I can effectively communicate in a succinct manner.) Interestingly, this isn't too far from the beliefs of some ancient theologies or mythologies; at least, in terms of the end conclusion, that this disability and the like is a mistake or accident or unintended. The way they put it, though, is that the gods were drunk. The belief was that humans were formed, in some manner, from clay, or earth; and that effectively, sometimes the gods were drunk, and slipped a bit when they were making some people. So in some ways, those ideas have permeated down to today.

Running counter to that, particularly from queer Christians, is the idea of intentional diversity in design. That God has created humans with diversity of gender, of sexuality, as a display of the diversity within God themselves - and this same diversity is also present in the world and universe that God created. There's the affirmation that "God doesn't make mistakes," and "we are not mistakes." And many people have found peace and healing in that idea.

But then we come to the problem. Where do people who are disabled fit into this mix? Because while there are some disabilities that might be able to find space within this previous idea (say, parts of neurodiversity), there are many that really don't. Where there is nothing good about the disability; it only takes away from someone's experience of life. That doesn't mean to say that people with these disabilities can't have good lives, far from it; just that they often have to fight an awful lot more than the rest to get it. And even then, it can feel like a shadow of what other people experience.

So how do we attempt to rationalise disability, when it occurs from birth? When it is through no fault of any person, to the best of our knowledge. Do we say that this is part of God's diverse creation? Do we say that this is caused by how sin has twisted or changed the world? Do we say that God has made mistakes? Or is there another answer here, that eludes us?

To me, none of these answers feel satisfying, or right. But I don't know. I don't have an answer to this question. When the Bible talks about heaven, it talks about there being no more suffering, no more pain; there is healing for all. I want to believe that in the next life - whatever it looks like - we won't have to face the same struggle that we do in this one. Healing the pain, restoring back to whole, but keeping the diversity. I don't really know what that looks like. But I want to believe that it will be true.

To be clear, though; I don't want to be "healed" of autism, or ADHD. I'd love to not have to deal with the challenges that they present me with in living life; but they also form part of who I am, my identity and personality. It feels like in the next life there should be a way to have one without the other, but I guess we'll see.

Good, Better, Rest.

This Tuesday night just gone was meant to be another performance of Rainbow Religion. Instead, sickness got in the way. And the whole process of that got me ruminating a bit (not literally, I’m not a cow now), so I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. Much of this is probably rehashing things I’ve said before at some point, but I’ve written a lot. It’s hard to remember what exactly I’ve put down and when.

I’ve been kinda sick for the past few weeks. The first week, it started with a bad sore throat. Like, hurts to swallow level, hurts to drink water and such. That was shit. Then, week two, my tongue decided to get some sores on it. That felt weird to me, so I went into the GP, got some tests done. End of that week, they said, “Hey, this might be glandular fever. We’re just going to run another test.” (There’s not really any treatment as such for it; just rest, drink a lot of water, don’t do heavy lifting. This was right before a weekend where I was moving, too!) They come back to me start of last week, and yep, it is. By that time, though, tongue is mostly better, can’t see much visibly, just hurts a bit. But that didn’t really change for all of last week. Then Monday this week, day before my performance, my voice is gravel and my throat is not great. I try and do all the things to get it better - but woke up Tuesday morning, still bad. Could I have still done the performance? In a pinch, probably. But my body would have given me even more shit than it already was.

Because I had been needing to rest, and I hadn’t been resting enough. I hadn’t been allowing myself the chance to heal, recuperate. At the same time, though, it’s not like I was doing that much? I don’t do sport or anything, and I don’t work full time. But I enjoy doing things too much. There are always too many things I want to do. Even just in the last week, I’ve had two big new project ideas. My brain just keeps coming up with more. Yay, ADHD! So that’s one part of why rest is hard.

But the other part is the society that we’ve built. Rest really hasn’t been built into it. We’ve been getting better, slowly - but particularly for neurodivergent people, and for disabled people, it’s still such a struggle. I work about three and a bit days a week most weeks, and that’s an intentional choice, because I know I don’t have the energy to be working full time. But even at this level - I’m burning out, and crashing, and needing a lot more rest then I’m already giving myself. But we have to work to live. And I’m not “disabled enough” for the Disability Support Pension. And the regular Jobseeker payments are - not good. Both in a monetary sense, and in so many others.

I need to rest. And I need to rest better, and more. And I need to find work that doesn’t burn me out as much. (I’ve been looking to various degrees for about six months or so now, finding work is hard.) And I don’t know the answer. I just hope I figure things out before I break too badly. 

The Journey To Here.

Today (as I’m writing, which is 16th Feb), I’ve been prompted to think about some of my journey to get here. I’ve got another showing of Rainbow Religion coming up in a few weeks (plug plug), and I brush over it quickly there - but there’s some interesting highlights, reflecting back, that I guess I wanted to note now. Things that feel interesting for me today, identifying now as both queer and Christian (though still doing plenty of unpacking around the latter of those two and what it means for me). 

The standard part that I mention - I grew up in a Christian family. But going deeper on that - very Christian. Growing up, I didn’t know any family as not being Christian. When I was quite young, my dad was a pastor for a bit (and has been for a bit before I was born, I think, not sure exactly how long). His grandfather has also been a pastor, and quite a well-known one in Western Australia church circles (my dad and his family are from WA). My mum was also fairly involved with church when I was younger, mostly in music. I was the eldest of four, and being the young hyperlexic autistic good little Christian that I was, just devoured the Bible. I’m pretty sure at this point I’ve read all of it at least twice, maybe three times, and much of it more than that. And since I also loved public speaking from a young age, that then translated across to doing sermons - which I also had some opportunities to do from just high school age as well. Then I was at a Christian high school, and the uni that I was at had a Christian group there as well. 

Fast-forward a couple of years, and I’m at Bible college. It’s just a year-long course, and more meant as something to grow and equip young leaders in the church, but still, Bible college! Came out the other side with a Diploma of Christian Studies, which sounds fairly boring, I’ll admit. But I enjoyed it while I was doing it, and certainly made a lot of connections in the denomination I was in (Churches of Christ, which is something a bit different here in Australia to in some other countries). I ended up doing an internship at church a couple of years later (mainly leading the tech team), and they needed me to do a bit more study as part of that - I thought I’d challenge myself, so I took them at Masters level, in theory heading towards a Masters of Divinity (which either sounds very impressive or very ludicrous/pompous, depending on who you are), but I only ever did three units. 

Then, I worked for Koorong for a while in their main warehouse. If you’re not familiar with Koorong, they’re basically the main Christian bookstore/CD/DVD/gift sort of place in Australia. They have about a dozen stores or so across the country, maybe a couple more? Not sure, been out of the loop for a while. But yeah, they were a well-known name in Australian Christian circles. 

Then I also had a stint working with Hope 103.2, Sydney’s biggest Christian radio station. Might also be the biggest in Australia? Not sure. I’d been listening to them since I was a kid, they were the usual station that parents had on in the car. Then volunteered to run with them in the City2Surf one year, then volunteered at their donation drives that ran in November and June each year, then ended up getting a job in their contact centre for a while. Got to know the folks there pretty well, and how it all works; interesting seeing behind the scenes. 

Then I ended up leading the music at an Anglican church as a regular job one day a week for a few years. That was interesting - going into a place where basically everyone had views that were quite different to mine, and trying to figure out the balance. Still made a lot of good friendships and connections, and put a lot of myself into many of the kids/teens there. But it was certainly challenging. 

And now - I’m in a very different place, following a very different path. And many of the people and connections from those previous times and places probably don’t want much to do with me. But it’s interesting thinking about what I can do with that now, and how I can use what I have learned to speak into places others might find difficult, or to help bridge divides that feel vast. 

Even though I’ve spent most of my life in Christian spaces, and only a couple of years now in queer ones - it feels like I’ve got queer stuff a lot more figured out than Christian stuff. I don’t know if that says more about the effects of trauma, or just the nature of trying to comprehend God; stuff is weird. Part of me wants to try and bridge the gap between these two. Part of me is still figuring out what I now believe, what it is that I’m telling people about. In many senses, I think I don’t know. But perhaps we never really can, anyway. 

Looking back on 2022.

I’m grateful that this year has both started, and ended, with friends. (And some of the same ones, to boot!) But there’s been a lot of different things happening in between the two of those. So let’s take a moment to look at that.

Much of the year, unfortunately, was characterised by burnout, and depression. I feel like I’ve talked about that before in a few different posts this year, so I’ll just brush over it here. In short, though - there were moments this year, where in some ways I was at the worst I’ve been, in terms of emotional health. I’m glad that the worst of it was only brief moments; but there were some decently long seasons where things were quite low, and quite bad. Where it took most of my energy to just get through the day, and get to tomorrow, and I didn’t really have a lot to look forward to in life, or that I felt like I was living for. I’m certainly hoping 2023 doesn’t get a repeat of that. But there’s only so much you can do. 

It certainly wasn’t all bad, though. And there were a lot of really incredible things that happened this year. Some I’m not really comfortable talking about in a public space like this - but I’ll go over the ones I can. 

Probably the biggest one was Sydney Fringe. Early in the year, it was just a vague idea; like, oh, let’s put this thing in and see where it goes and if it works. And then it was happening. And I was getting photos for it, putting the songs together, organising a venue, getting offered a place in the Limitless disability hub (which was amazing!), and doing it. And getting so many people loving it, and wanting to hear more, and it really resonating with people. I’m still hoping to do it again in more places (if you know somewhere that might have me, let me know!), but organising shit is hard with ADHD 😅

Another big thing was The Boy From Oz, a musical I did with my old local theatre group in Campbelltown. I hadn’t done a musical for a few years, and I had a bunch of fun. I was just part of the chorus, but we were still on stage quite a bit (so many quick changes!), and had a lot of fun songs. It was such a great team to work with, both on stage and off, and I had a great time. I hope I get the chance to do some more theatre work this year - perhaps closer to home, this time?

The cast and crew there were also great with the other big thing that happened this year - my name change. I’d been using a shortened version of my old name for a while as an interim (it had also been an old nickname with both family and friends, so it was an easier transition), but I knew that I did want to change my name. And eventually, I figured it out. So I changed it - first with some close friends; then with some wider groups of friends; then publicly, and finally legally as well. It did take a bit of getting used to, and I still run into some issues with it (the most amusing being that over the phone, people can mishear Raven as my old last name), but it’s been mostly really good 😊 and just in time for both shows!

More broadly - I’ve had a lot of good time with a lot of good people. Part of that has been communities I’ve been in, like my queer church, or other (online and offline) queer groups; part of that is also just friends. Particularly more recently, I’ve been having a lot of good time one-on-one with people, and I’ve really noticed the positive affect that it’s had on me. Especially as I’m struggling with burnout (which drains me, or leaves me with less energy), having intentional time with individual people (which gives me energy) has been really important.

Moving in to next year (or, as I’m writing, this year), 2023 - I don’t know what to expect. I don’t really plan that far ahead. I’ve got a couple of fun things happening over the next couple of months, like a trip down to Melbourne; but after that, I’m not really sure. But here are a couple of ideas that I would like to happen.

I’d like to do another theatre project. Whether that’s a musical, or a play - I just really enjoy them. They’re a lot of fun, and it would be good to do that again. Hopefully, something where I can play a character that’s queer 👀

I’d like to take Rainbow Religion to more venues. Probably starting off with some other affirming churches, but I’d like it to be broader than that as well. Money is a bit of a limitation with moving broader, though. But I would really like to do that. 🌈

I’d also just like to do more with my music. Ideally offline, and doing in-person performances; but that would probably mean buying a keyboard first. (A bit pricey, but doable.) Even just posting more regularly online would be good, though. And writing more. Maybe something for Fringe? Who knows! 🎹

Though speaking of, I do want to do Fringe again this year. But right now, I don’t know what I’m going to do for it. This time last year, I basically had all of the songs already. I’d written them over the last year and a bit, and just collated them for Fringe. But right now, I don’t really have anything like that. I have a random stand-up show I started writing? So who knows, I could end up doing that randomly 😂 Or maybe I show off bits from the musical I’m writing about queer faith. 

I’d also like to travel. It’s not really something I’ve done much for myself - most of what I’ve done has been for other things I’ve been involved with, or because of stuff that’s happened. But it is something I’d really love to do. I think Uluru or New Zealand are the two that feel most doable to me, in terms of time and money. But we’ll see! ✈️

I also just want to continue spending time with people, and being more intentional about that. Building relationships, deepening and strengthening them, trying not to leave people behind. Something I really struggle with is that I connect with so many people well, and want to give time and energy to so many people, but I don’t have infinite time or energy or attention! So I can forget about people, or need to focus elsewhere, and that can feel shitty on both ends. 🫂

I also just want to do more gaming! ♟️ But that’s also one of the ways I enjoy spending time with people, so it links in to the previous one. 

That is a lot of things 😅 but hopefully, at least some of that can happen this year. While also being healthy, and taking care of myself (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually), because that’s really important too. But yeah 🙂 that’s my look back at last year, and some thoughts and hopes moving into this new year. I hope it’s a good one for you, and I hope it’s a good one for me as well!