Tips for Loving Your Trans Friend.

I've realised I haven't been writing lately nearly as much as I'd like, or as much as I used to - I used to play a much more active role in trying to represent neurospicy (and in the last few years, queer) folks online, and I'd like to start doing more of that again. 

As such, in that vein, here is the first in what I hope will be a series of posts - Tips for Loving Your [insert term here] Friend. The idea is that these posts will be aimed at folks who are adjacent to various communities, but not part of them themselves. For instance with this first one, that have trans friends, but aren't themselves trans. (Or aren't they? 👀 🥚) It's about trying to educate people who care about their friends and are well-intentioned, but perhaps need some education about a few things. They don't get it right now - so let's help them a bit. And if they already know some of these, awesome! 

Like I said, this first one will be about showing love for your trans friends. So trans folks, send this to your cis friends - cis folks, listen up! For the most part, these will be in no particular order, we'll just see how we go. 

Don't talk about H@rry P0tter. 

Yes, I know, chances are you grew up with it and loved it. What's the issue?

Well, in case you missed the memo, the author's a dick. A massive, massive, dick. So what? You think. Just because they're terrible doesn't mean I can't enjoy what they've written and such, right? Separate the author from the work and all? 

Unfortunately, this particular author is still very much alive, but very much trying to actively make trans people not be. Like, putting all her fucking money into it. And she's actively said she sees any support of HP as support of her own ideas and values. 

So just - don't. Don't buy anything HP-related, however much you've been wanting to try Hogwarts Legacy (it's kinda shitty anyway). Don't wear that Gryffindor shirt out and about when you're meeting up with your trans friend (or better yet, at all). And just don't talk about HP, unless it's specifically to dunk on the author (an allowed and encouraged exception).

But wait, you think. Why is just talking about it an issue? Well, if you talk about HP willy-nilly, chances are you either don't know this stuff about the author (which means you've been living under an absolute rock), or you don't care - you don't think it's a big deal. If it's the latter, that sends a big message to your trans friends that you don't really care about them, either. So just don't. Want to pirate it or something, or read your books that you already bought ages ago? Sure, go ahead. But don't put more dollars in her pocket; and don't let people think that you agree with her and her views.

Practice Pronouns and Names. 

One of the bigger changes for trans folks is often changing their name and/or pronouns. It can be quite a process to go through - both in terms of figuring out what works for them, but then also all the rigmarole of the paperwork to make it official. People will often go through different iterations of names, pronouns, or both; I used a non-gendered version of my original first name for a while, then used Raven for a bit before figuring out my new full name. And I used they/them for a while before trying they/she. 

The point is - trans people have put a lot of time and thought into this. You should put some time into it too. Practice getting their name right, practice getting their pronouns right - particularly if your friend is using they/them and you aren't familiar with that, or if your friend is using neopronouns. And if you do get their name or pronouns wrong, don't make a massive deal of it; just correct yourself, apologise briefly, move on. It doesn't need to be a saga.

Don't talk about "who they used to be".

This is a bit of a broader one, and perhaps harder to pin down. But generally speaking, just don't talk about them like they're someone who's not here any more, and you miss them, and isn't it sad - no. They're right here, now. They're more themselves than they've ever been. And they'd like you to see that too. Enjoy the person that is, rather than mourning the memory that was.

Also - don't use their old name (or deadname, as we often call it, though I don't use that for mine) with other people. That's not the sort of thing they generally want new folks knowing. Talk about who they are now and in the context of now, not in the context of before, even if you're talking about events that happened a while ago. (e.g. "Oh, have you heard of Elliott Page? He's in The Umbrella Academy, and he starred in Inception a while back. Yeah, in Juno as well, that's right!")

Give them old clothes that fit their new gender and style that you don't use/need. 

I can't quite express how grateful I am to the number of friends that have given me clothes over the last few years. Most have also been trans folks - but at the moment, most of my wardrobe (save my typical nerdy shirts and one or two things I found myself) have been given to me by others. 

Clothes shopping is hard! Particularly when you're still figuring out your body, and you're still figuring out what your style looks like now - it's difficult. Having help from other people, particularly in the form of donated clothes, can really ease a lot of stress for folks.

Listen and learn.

Listen to what your trans friend about what's going to be best for them - we're not all the same. Binary trans folks will often have quite different experiences to non-binary trans folks; people that are transmasc and transfemme are each on their own journeys and often have different communities. Language that is comfortable and affirming for one person is going to be hurtful for another; unfortunately, that's just how language works. Learn what works for the people near you, and remember it. Your trans friends will appreciate it.

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I started writing this a few weeks back, so it's a little disjointed; but hopefully people can still learn from this. Let me know what you think, and if there's a particular one that might be helpful next!

This will be something a touch different from the regular fare; it's my research proposal that I wrote for my Masters of Creative Music Therapy degree, one of the final projects that we had. There's also a presentation that we needed to do of the proposal, which is worded a bit differently (because you only had 15 minutes + 5 minutes of questions), which I was hoping to get filmed and then put up afterwards, but didn't quite get there. So, thought I'd just put up the whole thing here instead!

Some notes before we start; this is written with the audience in mind being people who already have some understanding of therapy, so there's probably some jargon in here that I haven't sufficiently explained. If so, I'll try and jump in with parentheses in italics (like this) to make it clear that it's separate from the original document.

Also, this is talking about spiritual and/or religious trauma! So if that's something that you've dealt with, it's possible that there will be triggering content for you in the text below. Not knowing you and what you've gone through, I can't guarantee whether that will be the case or not; while I'm not going into detail about what that trauma can look like for people, there's still mentions of traumatic events. Judge for yourself what's going to be comfortable or safe.

Finally; this is only a research proposal. It's theory. But if you'd like to see something like this come to fruition, or if this is something that you've dealt with and think that music therapy would be helpful for you, let me know! Leave a comment below, or you can contact me via my email address. I would in the future love to be working with people that have gone through spiritual trauma, so please do get in touch!

Soul Rest: An Exploratory Study Into the Use of Music Therapy for Those Dealing With Spiritual or Religious Trauma.

Abstract

Spiritual and/or religious trauma (hereafter referred to as SRT) is a growing phenomenon in recent decades, with more articles and books on the subject being written by the day. But while this is a growing field of research and understanding, so far there has been no music therapy research in this area. Given that music is typically an instrumental part of religion and spirituality, it stands to reason that it could serve a unique role in reaching those who have suffered SRT. As such, this research proposal is for an exploratory study in the area, to determine whether — and how — music therapy can help people dealing with SRT. 

The format this study would take is a group music therapy program for between four and six participants, with a one-hour weekly session over ten weeks, using songwriting as a core focus. Individual interviews would also be conducted at the beginning and end of the program, and sessions would also be recorded for later thematic analysis. The inclusion criteria for the study would be adults with English comprehension that self-identify as dealing with SRT. Findings would be chiefly qualitative due to the exploratory nature of the study, with limited quantitative data available. 

It is expected that music therapy would be effective in working with clients with SRT, but that care would need to be taken in not triggering traumatic responses through the music used, particularly in that group context. Songwriting is anticipated to be particularly beneficial here, though other methods may also see some success.

Music therapy is a method worth exploring when working with SRT, that deserves more research and investigation in the future. Suggested avenues for future research include individual rather than group sessions, or focussing on specific subsets of the population.

Introduction

In this day and age, most people know someone dealing with spiritual and/or religious trauma (which from now on will be shortened to SRT); stories of priests molesting kids have become pervasive, and well-documented – with these now entering the cultural zeitgeist through avenues such as the film Spotlight (McCarthy, 2015). The term “deconstruction” (referring to a gradual process of ‘deconstructing’ one’s spiritual or religious beliefs) has grown in popularity and usage over recent years (Hollier, 2023), and with the increasing use of social media, people have been able to connect and find communities online to share their experiences.

However, while there has started to be some recognition of this trend amongst wider academia and psychotherapy in general, there is to date no current music therapy research on SRT. As such, this research proposal intends to determine whether music therapy can be helpful for those dealing with SRT, and start to give some suggestions as to how it may best do so.

To start, however, we must first define SRT, to get an understanding of how we are to continue. Stone (2013) defines this trauma as “pervasive psychological damage resulting from religious messages, beliefs, and experiences.” As the reader may be able to understand, this means that SRT covers a very broad space within trauma, and can present or be caused in a number of different fashions. This presents a challenge to the therapist – and to research – for though there are commonalities in the cause of this trauma, the differences between individuals’ experiences may be significant.

Because of this, any program would need to be designed to fit the individual participants, rather than having a set structure from the start. As such, only a loose framework for the program is currently being proposed, with more detail to be confirmed after participants were found. The proposal is for a group therapy program, run over the course of ten weeks, with a one-hour session each week, for between four and six participants dealing with SRT. Songwriting would likely be a core focus of the program, and individual interviews would be conducted both pre- and post-program to gather data to be later analysed through thematic analysis.

While there are many questions that are left unexplored and unanswered about SRT in the context of music therapy, the scope for this proposal is just a small pilot study, to gain initial findings and hopefully promote future research in this area.

Literature Review

As there is currently no music therapy research in the area of SRT, a two-pronged approach seemed most apt to this literature review: looking first at the current SRT literature and seeing what the current recommendations are for other forms of therapy, and how these might be adapted to music therapy; then second, considering the music therapy literature around other forms of trauma, and how these may be similar or different to working with SRT. Then, we will join these findings together, to determine the best path forwards.

Research on Spiritual and/or Religious Trauma

Zaeske et al. (2024) conducts a scoping review (basically a broad look at a particular topic, trying to put all the info in one place) of literature in this area, from the perspective of psychotherapy (though coining a more unfortunate acronym) (for those interested, the acronym in question is ARSE - Adverse Religious/Spiritual Experiences. You can see why I made my own acronym!), and made such recommendations as using a trauma-informed approach, being aware of the difference between helpful and harmful coping, and facilitating intrapersonal work. They also highlighted the potential benefit of group therapy. Stone (2013) concurs on the point of group therapy, but amends that it should commence after individual therapy, and that the individual therapy should still continue while group therapy proceeds. She also warns the therapist to be particularly aware of transference and countertransference (these are therapy terms that refer to when the client connects emotionally to the therapist in a particular way, and vice versa) in this context, because of the strong emotions that can be tied to this sort of trauma. 

Askari & Doolittle (2022) take a different approach, instead investigating ideas to improve the health of LGBTQ Muslims. Their research highlights the high prevalence of LGBTQIA+ individuals within the population of those experiencing SRT, and the higher levels of depression and anxiety experienced by these people. While the majority of the research on SRT has centred white Christians, Askari & Doolittle do an admirable job of bringing to light the struggles of queer Muslims, and showcasing examples of affirming spaces for people to talk about both their religion and their queerness. This highlights the importance of clients in a group context being able to talk openly about their religious and spiritual experiences, regardless of their current religion (or lack of). Hollier et al. (2022) looks more specifically at SRT for queer people in Australia’s evangelical churches, and demonstrates that a key point for many in this situation is the prevalence of microaggressions – small behaviours or words from others, particularly those in the church, that unconsciously or unintentionally convey this sense of othering or being less. As such, the therapist needs to be especially mindful of their own actions and words during sessions, even things like facial expression.

Farrell (2025), doing a phenomenological inquiry (this focusses on understanding lived experience through the perspective of the subject) into the impact of SRT on millennials specifically, highlighted challenges around sex and sexual topics because of the absence of sexual education (or indeed, miseducation); this may be an area that therapists could find challenging or confronting to discuss with their clients, but if they are going to intentionally start work on dealing with SRT, they need to understand the likelihood of this coming up as an issue. Within a group context this can be increasingly awkward, and make it more difficult for people to open up, particularly if participants have differing views; as such, the therapist will need to be prepared to work through this, encouraging openness and potentially sharing some of their own experiences (where safe and relevant) to facilitate this. Another important point for therapists to be aware of is reported on by Jones et al. (2022); conversion therapy, an unfortunately common practice held by many churches over the years (though thankfully now illegal in many areas) where, most commonly, homosexual people were pressured by the church through various means to become heterosexual. Homosexuality was seen as sin, and needing to be healed; people that went through this treatment are more likely to have PTSD, among other challenges.

Music Therapy Research

Beer & Kwoun (2024) conducted a scoping review of music therapy conducted with survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault, and found it to be an effective method; however, they recommended that therapists seek formalised training around trauma-informed practice. Alexandre et al. (2025) conducted a longitudinal (a study done over a long period of time) mixed-methods study on over 180 men and women, evaluating music therapy with a focus on songwriting, with the purpose of focussing on mental health, specifically anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They found that the rates on all three dropped significantly post-treatment, and that participants reported increased self-worth. 

Likewise focussing on songwriting, Hatcher (2007) did a case study working with a man living with HIV/AIDS and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and detailed the positive effects that music therapy and songwriting played in that process, using a qualitative and narrative focus. Similarly, Noyes & Schlesinger (2017) conducted a review of songwriting in music therapy specifically in relation to PTSD, specifically looking at applications for the ICU; they found that songwriting held “great promise” as a possibility for that context, considering the current evidence available.

Conclusion

As has been shown by this literature review, music therapy has been demonstrated to be effective at working with various forms of trauma, via songwriting or other methods. While there are many considerations when working with SRT, these do not seem to be reason to believe that music therapy would be ineffective in this context. It has, however, given us certain factors to be aware of when designing the study and program.

Research Questions

The core research question at the centre of this proposal is thus: Is music therapy an effective and safe technique for working with adults dealing with SRT? Such a question immediately poses numerous clarifying questions; such as what specific music therapy methods would be most helpful, whether group or individual music therapy would be more successful, or how its effectiveness compares to other methods. However, considering that this is the first foray into this area of research from a music therapy perspective, it does not make sense to complicate things at this stage; as such, this proposal is only concerned with whether music therapy is effective in this context, and attempting to detail how it is (or isn’t) through the data collected.

Utilising the PICOT framework (Feldner & Dutna, 2024), we can narrow down to a more specific question to help focus our attention; the Population being of course clients dealing with SRT, and the Intervention being music therapy (with a focus on songwriting). There is no Comparison group for this pilot study. The intended Outcome would be to help clients process their trauma, and the Timeframe is ten weeks. As such, we get the following:

Population: Adults dealing with SRT

Intervention: Music therapy (songwriting focus)

Comparison: N/A

Outcome: Helping clients process trauma

Timeframe: 10 weeks

Question: Can a 10-week music therapy group program help adults dealing with SRT process their trauma?

Method

Participants

As discussed previously, the design of this program will rely on the participants; as such, we’ll first look at the details of the participants for this study. The group has a proposed size of four to six people, and would be for adults (here meaning people eighteen years of age or more); also, the researcher only being able to speak English would mean that participants would need to be able to understand English, and communicate effectively with the researcher. Participants would be selected from a population of those who self-identify as dealing with SRT. They would also need to be able to attend a one-hour group music therapy session once a week, at a time coordinated between the researcher and final participants.

Because of the diverse nature of SRT, a stratified sampling technique (where the population is grouped into various "strata" according to a chosen factor, and participants are chosen so that there's an equal representation across the strata) would be used to select participants for the study. Strata could be defined in a number of different ways for this context, but the simplest would seem to be religious background; e.g. Catholic, Anglican, Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, etc. Which strata are able to be represented would depend on how many willing study participants there were, which would be affected by factors such as amount of time to recruit participants, and recruitment methods or communication used.

Potential participants would be informed of the nature of the study, and assured that participation in the program was entirely voluntary and could be rescinded at any time without negative repercussions for the participant. They would also be told that sessions and interviews would be video recorded for later analysis, but files would be deleted after the conclusion of the study. Any data or words of theirs that are recorded would also be anonymised.

Design

The basic design of this program, as mentioned earlier, is a weekly one-hour group setup, running for ten weeks. While there is an intended focus on songwriting, there is room for other approaches to be used as is deemed fitting by the researcher for the specific participants. The first two weeks would be centred around just building trust and getting to know each other, and the final two weeks would be centred around providing appropriate closure to participants.

As stated beforehand, the design of this program will be tailored to the specific final participants of the program itself, because of the diverse nature of SRT, and likewise, those who deal with it. As such, the finer details of the program can only be speculated upon at this point; participants might work on writing a song collectively, or individually, or both. They may share religious/church/worship songs that were particularly impactful for them, or sections from their relevant holy book that still feel significant. Perhaps they may enjoy singing a religious song together, or perhaps that would be too triggering. So in many senses, the program would need to be designed in consultation with the final participants, a prospect also recommended by Ghetti & Ray (2023).

Another suggestion they had which is important to consider in the design of this program, particularly considering the nature of working with participants who have been through trauma, is how participants will be left after the end of the program. What resources or services will be available afterwards? Simply leaving participants without any future support is arguably unethical, and not a practice that should be continued by researchers. As such, the suggestion is that all participants would be invited to take part in future, formal sessions with the researcher, of either an individual or group nature at their discretion.

Measurement

Qualitative Data

The bulk of the data collected in this study will be qualitative (that is, subjective data, things that don't have a numeric value) , through individual interviews conducted both before and after the program. These interviews would be video recorded for later thematic analysis and comparison. While questions may be more detailed and developed over the course of time, and there would be some freedom of movement within the interview, the core questions and information to be gathered would be along the lines of those listed below.

Pre-Program Questions

• How much effect does SRT have on your current day-to-day life?

• How has SRT impacted your life in the past?

• How well are you able to manage your SRT?

• What tools or supports do you have in place to help you manage SRT?

• How open are you with other people about your SRT?

• How much do you engage with spirituality and/or religion on an external basis (e.g. church, religious groups, talking to other people about it, reading religious/spiritual texts/books, etc)?

• How much do you engage with spirituality and/or religion on an internal basis (that is, your own thoughts)?

• How much do you feel like SRT limits the amount of joy, happiness, peace, or hope you have in life?

Post-Program Questions

• How much effect does SRT have on your day-to-day life now?

• How has/hasn’t the program helped you with working through SRT?

• What was your experience of music therapy?

• Were there any techniques you found particularly useful for you with SRT?

• Are there any new supports you’ve learned that you will continue to use?

• Were there techniques you found unhelpful or of little use?

• How much do you feel like SRT limits the amount of joy, happiness, peace, or hope you have in life now?

• Do you feel more equipped now to deal with SRT than before? How/why not?

Quantitative Data

One of the key quantitative (the opposite, things that do have a numeric value) measurement tools being used for this study is the Spiritual Harm and Abuse Scale-Clinical Screener (SHAS-CS, Koch & Edstrom, 2022), found in Appendix A (unfortunately it's tricky for me to actually include it here). While there are other scales of a similar nature that have been developed in the past (Keller, 2016; Ok et al., 2024), the former has not been cited as much in other research, and the latter was developed more specifically for a Muslim population. This scale was developed in 2022 by Koch and Edstrom, consisting of 27 items listed, and then rated using a Likert scale (these are the typical rating scales where you're rating how you feel about something on a number line) of 1-5 (1 being never, 5 being all the time). There is an additional section of 11 items that just have a checkbox for if the client has experienced those at any point. Each item is a potential traumatic experience that a client may have had, organised into categories of various key factors; maintaining the system, embracing violence, controlling leadership, gender discrimination, internal distress, and harmful God-image. This would be a helpful tool for understanding participants better at the start of the study, and being able to understand commonalities and differences in trauma experiences. As the study by Koch and Edstrom is primarily based on white people with a Protestant (non-Catholic Christians) background, it will probably need some modification if being used for people from different religious backgrounds – potentially utilising some of the work done by Ok et al. (2024) on the Muslim Religious Trauma Scale.

Data Analysis

The data from the interviews will be analysed using thematic analysis (does what it says on the can, analyses the themes from what people are saying), utilising the framework outlined by Ahmed et al. (2025). Depending on the time allotted for the study, qualitative data analysis software may be utilised to assist with this step; alternatively, research assistants may be recruited to reduce the workload on the researcher, and ensure accuracy and quality of data.

Ethical Issues

Because this study will be working with traumatised participants, specifically around the subject of their trauma, how to do so in a way that does not re-traumatise them or traumatise them further is of primary concern. Endres et al. (2024) considers this issue, and has multiple recommendations that would be carefully considered in the design and implementation of the program; for instance, including extra time to build trust with participants, careful choice of location for interviews and the program, and being intentional with choice of language throughout the study.

Limitations

There are many limitations to this proposal; being only a pilot study, there’s a small sample size that the study would be working with, and limited concrete conclusions that could be drawn as a result – only indications and suggestions towards future research. Being the first foray of research in this area has also meant a lack of focus in the research; future studies could focus on more specific subsets of the population, implement individual therapy rather than group, or trial different techniques to get a clearer idea of what is most effective.

Anticipated Outcomes

It is anticipated that participants will find music therapy, and especially songwriting, helpful in processing SRT. Research mentioned previously (Beer & Kwoun, 2024; Alexandre et al., 2025; Hatcher, 2007; Noyes & Schlesinger, 2017) concur that music therapy, and songwriting in particular, have been shown to be effective in other trauma contexts, and the current SRT research gives no reason to dispute this. As such, it is predicted that music therapy will be effective in the context of SRT as well, when practiced safely and with a trauma-informed approach.

Conclusion

Spiritual and/or religious trauma has become pervasive in our modern world, but there is still a concerning lack of music therapy research in the area, and even for research in general. This is an issue that music therapists need to be equipped for, but there is currently no basis for them to work from. This research proposal suggests a pilot study that could break new ground in music therapy research, and allow practitioners to work with clients dealing with SRT with more confidence and certainty.

References

Ahmed, S. K., Mohammed, R. A., Nashwan, A. J., Ibrahim, R. H., Abdalla, A. Q., Ameen, B. M. M., Khdhir, & R. M. (2025). Using thematic analysis in qualititative research. Journal of Medicine, Surgery, and Public Health, 6. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.glmedi.2025.100198

Alexandre, A. B., Kasherwa, A., Balegamire, J. B. M., Tunangoya, J. Y., Mukanga, L. O., Buhendwa, F. Z., Rusagulira, M. O., Hilaire, M. M., Busane, P. A., Mugisho, G. M., & Mukengere, D. M. (2025). Bouncing back after trauma: music therapy, gender, and mental health in conflict-ridden settings. Discover Mental Health, 5(1), Article 15. https://doi.org/10.1007/s44192-025-00137-1

Askari, A. S., & Doolittle, B. (2022). Affirming, intersectional spaces & positive religious coping: evidence-based strategies to improve the mental health of LGBTQ-identifying Muslims. Theology & Sexuality, 28(1), 70–79. https://doi.org/10.1080/13558358.2022.2089541

Beer, L. E., & Kwoun, S. (2024). Trauma-informed music therapy with adult survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault: A scoping review. The Arts in Psychotherapy, 87, Article 102120. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.aip.2024.102120

Endres, S., Evers, T., & Rothenberger, L. (2024). On equal terms?: Ethical challenges in communication research with vulnerable groups. Publizistik, 69(3), 267–297. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11616-024-00856-5

Farrell, S. M. (2025). Religious Trauma: A Phenomenological Inquiry into Impacts on Millennials. The International Journal of Religion and Spirituality in Society, 15(2), 181–197. https://doi.org/10.18848/2154-8633/CGP/v15i02/181-197

Feldner, K., & Dutka, P. (2024). Exploring the Evidence: Generating a Research Question: Using the PICOT Framework for Clinical Inquiry. Nephrology nursing journal: journal of the American Nephrology Nurses' Association, 51(4), 393–395.

Ghetti, C. M., & Ray, K. (2023). Reflecting on Music Therapy Research on the Occasion of the Journal of Music Therapy’s 60th Anniversary. The Journal of Music Therapy, 60(3). https://doi.org/10.1093/jmt/thad018

Hatcher, J. (2007). Therapeutic Songwriting and Complex Trauma/Écriture thérapeutique de chanson et traumatisme complexe. Canadian Journal of Music Therapy, 13(2), 115.

Hollier, J., Clifton, S., & Smith-Merry, J. (2022). Mechanisms of religious trauma amongst queer people in Australia’s evangelical churches. Clinical Social Work Journal, 50(3), 275–285. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-022-00839-x

Jones, T. W., Power, J., & Jones, T. M. (2022). Religious trauma and moral injury from LGBTQA+ conversion practices. Social Science & Medicine (1982), 305, Article 115040. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2022.115040

Keller, K. H. (2016). Development of a spiritual abuse questionnaire (Order No. 10182382). Available from ProQuest Central; ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global; Social Science Premium Collection. (1834106885). https://go.openathens.net/redirector/westernsydney.edu.au?url=https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/development-spiritual-abuse-questionnaire/docview/1834106885/se-2

Koch, D. & Edstrom, L. (2022). Development of the Spiritual Harm and Abuse Scale. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 61(2). https://doi.org/10.1111/jssr.12792

McCarthy, T. (Director). (2015). Spotlight [Film]. Open Road Films (II).

Noyes, E. M., & Schlesinger, J. J. (2017). ICU-related PTSD – A review of PTSD and the potential effects of collaborative songwriting therapy. Journal of Critical Care, 42, 78–84. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcrc.2017.06.014

Ok, U., Goren, A. B., & Gulmez, C. (2025). Construction and Validation of a Muslim Religious Trauma Scale. Journal of Loss & Trauma, 30(2), 167–196. https://doi.org/10.1080/15325024.2024.2412294

Stone, A. M. (2013). Thou Shalt Not: Treating Religious Trauma and Spiritual Harm With Combined Therapy. Group (New York. 1977), 37(4), 323–337. https://doi.org/10.13186/group.37.4.0323

Zaeske, L. M., Dye, A. R., Spadoni, S., Strothkamp, R., Kane, M. L., Ridgway, K., Dugan, A. J., Patterson, T. P., McEathron, S. R., & Cole, B. P. (2024). Addressing Harm From Adverse Religious/Spiritual Experiences in Psychotherapy: A Scoping Review. Practice Innovations (Washington, D.C.), 9(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1037/pri0000237

Caring For Yourself.

I'm very good at caring for other people. People have often felt safe talking to me about things, even when they didn't know me that well. I'm good at making people feel safe, and cared for, and listened to. 

I'm not so good when it comes to finding time for doing that for myself - at least in some ways. 

Self-care I'm fairly good at. Things like making sure I rest well, eat well, don't work too much - I do that pretty consistently. But I'm less good when it comes to actually talking to other people about stuff that's happening for me, and cluing people in to what's going on in my brain.

At one point I was seeing a therapist fairly regularly, and that helped. But that's unfortunately expensive, and so when work stopped, so did that. More recently I've found another therapist I can see - for free! - but only for a little bit while I'm still a student. So I'll need to find another option for next year.

But this is a fairly consistent pattern for me with other people - so much of the time, I'm giving a lot more than taking. I'm putting more energy and time into a connection, into the time that I have with someone, than I'll receive. 

Unfortunately, though, I perpetuate this problem myself. I'll be the first to defer to other people's choices, ask other people to choose things, because I want to be considerate of them. I'm the type to say that I kinda like everything, or that anything's fine. I'm not good at actually voicing my own desires or wants or needs - and often, because of that, I'm also not great at actually knowing them myself.

There's a line from the game Life Is Strange: True Colours that hits me like a truck every time. It's in one of the later episodes, from Steph Gingrich to the main character, Alex Chen. 

"I've seen you give so much of yourself to make sure other people get what they need. And I guess I wonder if you've thought about what you need."

I've spent a lot of my time and energy caring for people. Hell, I've spent the last two years of my life studying for a job that's specifically about that. And, like, I don't want to stop caring for people 😂 that's not the point. The point is to care for myself better. Try and prioritise myself a bit more, voice my own desires and needs more - and find people that are able to give me time and energy more consistently as well.

It's a hard change to make. And chances are, some of you reading this might struggle with this too. I know this is something that I've dealt with for a while. Hopefully, it's something I can start making some headway in. Maybe you can too. 

Some Of My Story.

It's been...a while. I really haven't been good at writing anything on here for some time now. But over the past little bit I've realised that I've got a fair few new people in my life now who don't really know my story. So I thought I might have a go at summing it up here. 

Obviously, this won't cover everything. I'm not really talking about most of my life really before COVID except as background. Also a lot of this I did as a Fringe show, with my own songs! So if you'd prefer that format (though it will be a bit different, it's a few years old now) here's the link.

I grew up in a Christian family. Both parents Christian and from Christian families as well. Went to church every week, went to a Christian high school, had some jobs in prominent Australian Christian organisations. Even went to Bible college for a year (it was this sort of young adults leadership/spiritual growth/Bible college course with just a small group), and ended up working leading the music at a church (as it happened, just down the road from the high school I'd been at). I was down the rabbit hole pretty deep, in many respects. 

At the same time, though, I was still quite left-leaning. I'd grown up in a church that had women leading up the front, I was pro-choice, rather anti-capitalist, thought that guns and war were terrible ideas, and tended to follow science and history a fair bit. But also - I still thought that I was straight, monogamous, and a cisgender man. Though I didn't know the word cisgender at the time 😂 That was all about to change, though. 

Perhaps strangely, the way that it changed was getting married. Yes, for those of you that didn't know, once upon a time I was married. You see, I knew I wanted romantic relationship, I was very much a romantic. And the system and context that I grew up in said that the only okay way to do that was with heterosexual monogamous marriage; so that's what I pursued. With a fair few bumps and wrong turns along the way (thanks autism), but we eventually got there in the end. I ended up getting married early in the year of 2020. 

Something else happened that year! 😅 We managed to get our honeymoon in before lockdown happened, but then all of a sudden we had a lot of time to ourselves. I don't know about you, but for me, that led to a lot of introspection. And I'm already a fairly introspective person by nature.

You see, at some point a while before this, I'd had this thought of, "if I'd grown up in a different family that wasn't Christian, I'd probably be a trans woman at this point." And this was quite a common thought I had, that I didn't really think much about - I kinda just accepted it as a fact, thought there's nothing much I can do with that, and put it on the shelf for another time. (To provide a little context, part of the reason that was a thought I was having was because I really didn't associate with a lot of things considered traditionally masculine, and often tried to actively move away from those.) But then, come lockdown, and all that introspective time - my brain thought it was a great time to bring that thought off the shelf again and have a closer look at it. And that was the start of rather a lot happening. 

Because you see, that was kinda like opening the lid to Pandora's box. As soon as I started looking at my sexuality and gender more closely, all my preconceived notions basically fell apart. And after a bit of Googling, I relatively quickly figured out that I was non-binary, pansexual, and polyamorous. ....as you can imagine, that was a lot for me to take in all at once. It also wasn't as surprising as perhaps it should have been. (Of course there were signs. I was just blinkered.)

But this then posed rather a few problems. The first one was just theological - everything I'd believed up to this point said that this wasn't really okay. And so I did some more digging, and some more research. After a bit of time, I'd basically resolved those qualms - though also more of my preconceived notions around religion and spirituality were being rocked, and deconstruction was kinda happening all at once now. 

The next problems were, I was still married. And working at a church. So this is where I had a choice. I could try to ignore what I'd learned, and just keep living life how I was. I was in a good relationship, I had a job I enjoyed - and even though the church I was at had a lot of people with different views to me, there were still a lot of people there that I cared about and enjoyed spending time with. And I tried to make that work for a little while. I told my wife at the time about the things that I'd learned about myself, talked through it all. She accepted me for who I was, but also affirmed that we'd committed to a monogamous relationship, and that's not something she was comfortable with sacrificing (which was understandable).

So I tried to accept that, for a time, and live mostly how I had been. I'd started connecting with some queer communities online and talking with people there, but I wasn't talking about it with other people I knew personally. After a couple of months like this - I knew I couldn't keep going this way. It felt like living a lie. It felt like I wasn't able to be truly myself. But I also knew that if I did take that step, it would mean losing a lot - my marriage, my job at the church (thankfully I did have another job, but still), many friends, and possibly family as well. Was that worth it?

To me, it was. And so started a rollercoaster of my life for the next few months.

First, was another conversation with my wife at the time. Understandably, she was rather upset, and didn't want to separate. But also wasn't willing to compromise on her own beliefs (and I wasn't asking her to). So I gave her some time. It ended up being a few more months before we separated. Before it happened, I started slowly talking to each of my immediate family about what was happening, and then to my pastor at the time. The conversations were difficult, though not all as hard as they might have been. And then I moved out, and away.

It wasn't too long after that when I came out online, publicly. While there were certainly plenty that were shocked or concerned, there were also many that were encouraging, or that were really happy that I'd come out. I started to have people come out of the weeds that I hadn't talked to in ages, and it turned out they were queer as well! I just hadn't known. And in the years since it's been wild how many friends I've seen come out or transition, often people that I'd been very close to before. What do they say about birds of a feather? 

I started living more authentically as myself, but a lot of things took me some time to figure out. I found an affirming church fairly quickly, and then another one not too long after that which felt more at home to me. I started wearing more skirts and dresses, and after a time growing out my hair. I started trying they/them pronouns, and more recently both they/them and she/her. I tried using a gender-neutral version of my old name for a while, before finding my first name, and then the full name I use now. I found a lot more queer friends and communities to connect with, both online and in person. I felt more....me.

That doesn't mean there hasn't been issues. The road with my family has been bumpy, but they're learning, and trying to be better. I ended up finishing up with that church I was at, partly because of my own deconstruction journey, but partly because of how the church changed as well. I've dealt with more depression and burnout over the past few years than I think I have in the rest of my life. And being a transfemme person that still has a flat chest and stubble a lot of the time, I get misgendered a lot. But has it been worth it? Hell yes. And I will take living authentically every time, even when the cost is high. 

This isn't the end of my story, and neither is it all of my story. But hopefully, having this part of it here like this can be helpful for people to understand me better. And also just as a reminder to myself now and then, of how far I've come. It's been quite the journey. And if you've been a part of helping me get here - thank you. You're part of the reason that I stick around.

On Just Surviving.

Apologies for the long hiatus here, folks. This blog just keeps slipping lower down on my list of priorities, and that list just keeps getting added to...I also feel like I just don't write as much as I used to. I often feel like I don't have anything to write about. I tried to actually write a post about that, a month or so back, but didn't get very far.

But what I want to wrte about today is something that's been true for a bit longer. For a while now - I'm really not sure how long, to be honest - I've been more surviving than anything else. Just getting through each day. Not really feeling like I'm thriving, or living fully, or getting that much joy out of life most of the time. I'll snatch little moments of that - and I'll treasure them when they arrive - but they do seem to be more moments than anything else.

And I'm not actually sure why that is, honestly. Because there's so many different things that it could be.

Maybe it's because I'm burnt out from about two years of working in my last job when I wanted to leave, because most of the joy in the job was gone for me, and it was just draining me like nothing else - but I couldn't find any other work. (And still haven't.) So I had to stay.

Maybe it's because I'm living in a world where we need to work to survive, despite the abundant resources and technology that we have. Where having a home is a privilege, not a right. Where being able to eat a balanced diet costs an arm and a leg. Where you need a car to work most jobs, but can't buy one unless you've got a job. And if you have a disability that needs specialist attention or equipment - you'd better hope that disability services will give you the money that you need for things, because everything costs a mint. Where, even though I'm studying a course that I love, to move towards a job that I think I'm going to love too - I'd really much prefer to be working on my own projects. I have so many. Probably too many. And chances are, none of them would earn me a cent - in fact, most of them would probably cost me a fair few. And I also just need to rest, and recover. But capitalism doesn't like that.

Maybe it's because I'm living in a post-lockdown world. Not a post-pandemic world, mind - Covid is still everywhere, and probably will be for a long time to come. But living in lockdown for weeks on end, months on end; it changes you. And I think it changed us, in many ways, as a world. And I don't know if we've really ever recovered. I don't know if we can.

Maybe it's because constantly, year after year, there are things happening on an international level that chill me to the bone. The war in Ukraine. The Trump presidency. The war and genocide in Gaza. Somehow, Trump presidency 2, the white right boogaloo that apparently enough people wanted. And so many smaller things that we just never really get to hear about, because its not "primetime" enough for our screens.

Maybe it's because depression is a bitch. That fucking sucks. And that medication isn't helping with. (Mental health medication has a great history of having almost no effect on me, positive or negative. It's wonderful. Thankfully that doesn't extend to other sorts of medication.)

Maybe it's because all of these things, in their own ways, take up my time, my energy, my space - and leave me with less to actually do things that would bring me joy. Like spending time with people. Like doing board games with folks. Like doing theatre. Like doing music with people. Like getting out into nature. And...other things that I'm not going to say on a publicly available internet post. And instead means I'm spending more time attempting to rest and recover, or doing things so that I actually have enough money to survive, rather than things I'm actually looking forward to.

Too many of my days, and too much of my time, I'm just....existing. Surviving. Doing what I can to get by. Trying to find the next thing to look forward to, to keep me going a little longer. And I hate that. I really do. It makes life feel....empty. Hollow.

Despite all this, I'm not actively suicidal. Which is something. But I've always been very pain-avoidant; I don't deal with pain very well. Most thing that kill you will hurt. A lot. Particularly if they don't actully kill you. There's exceptions, of course, but they're usually a lot harder to just come by casually.

But also, there's a lot that I still hope to do in my life, that I haven't gotten to do yet. I don't know when those things might happen, or how they might happen, or if they will. But I want them to, one day. Dreams like travelling to different countries; playing my music with an orchestra; seeing a musical I've written performed on stage; and so much more. But these aren't really things you can try and work towards, when you have no job, no money. But there's always that hope that there will be a change; that this too shall pass, and you will see the sun rise again. It's difficult to actually feel that, properly; but I know it, at some level. And that helps.

All this to say - the world's a lot shit right now. And there's not a lot I've felt I can do about that for some time. But I'm keeping on keeping on - in the hope that one day, things will be less shit. Or at least, a bit less shit for me. That would be a start, selfish though it may be.