Turning 30.

Today, I’m turning thirty. Since we use a base ten numbering system, that feels significant to people. It isn’t really, but it feels that way. I thought what might be interesting, though, is looking at a decade ago - 2012, turning twenty, and the difference between then and now. 

I was still writing this blog back then. I went back and checked. I don’t think I’d been doing it for that long, though. It was my last year at university, studying a Bachelor of Music at the Kingswood campus of Western Sydney Uni. I was still living at home, and working at a local Italian restaurant called Luigi’s. Next year I would start up a job leading camps and Duke of Edinburgh expeditions, but I didn’t know I’d gotten the job until December. I’m not sure if I’d even done the interview at this point. I was a regular at the evening church that I’d grown up in at Campbelltown, often on the music team, or sound and tech. From memory, I was also head over heels for someone - but that was true of me most of the time then. (It didn’t work out, dear reader, but in a fun new way. That wasn’t until next year, though. Maybe even early 2014? Not sure, time is wibbly-wobbly.) 

Back then, I was churning out music at the rate of knots. There was a couple of times I’d do songwriting challenges, to test myself, and stretch the brain a bit, so to speak. Maybe I should do that sort of thing again. It’s harder when you don’t have the same amount of time that you used to. I was driving around in an old metallic green Volvo that my grandpa had bought and fixed up - we used to call it the tank. I had so many people that I was connecting to at uni - both through my course, and also through the Christian group there - and I was really having the time of my life. I loved uni so much. But that was all wrapping up, and a new season was starting. A season of work. 

I think since uni finished, there’s been - maybe two? - people from there who I’ve connected with on some regular or repeated level at some point. But honestly, that’s fairly standard of most of the different seasons of life for me. I don’t really stay connected to people that well. I care about them a lot, and miss them when they’re gone - but tend to only look at photos on Facebook they put up, wish people happy birthday now and then, bump into someone once in a blue moon. I’m not good at staying connected to people, or taking initiative with that. It’s something I want to get better at, particularly because I know one-on-one connection is something that I really crave and that energises and rejuvenates me.

But work has probably changed things in a bigger way for me. Before then, my life revolved around learning, in various ways. Work had started to come along, but it was ancillary, a bit on the side. Suddenly, it became the focus, that everything else warped around, that gobbled up most of my time. And it has repeatedly, and routinely, burnt me out. There’s only one job since then which I’ve lasted in for more than two years; and I was only doing that job for one day a week. I haven’t been fired from a job (yet, and very surprisingly with a couple of them), but many jobs I’ve had to leave because of burn out.  And that’s not really something that I’ve ever solved. I’ve never found a job that hasn’t drained in me in one way or another. 

I think the closest I found to that was actually the job that I would end up doing next year - leading camps, and Duke of Ed trips. I was regularly outside and active, interacting with small groups in intentional ways, building relationships and learning new skills, meeting great people and having a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, the flip side to it was that you’re doing camps. You’re doing multi-day trips. So you’re regularly away from home for multiple days and nights in a row, in ways that aren’t consistent. So I wasn’t really able to commit to anything regular, and I had very little time outside of work. Particularly for someone who really enjoys creative projects and such, that was really difficult, and didn’t end up being sustainable.

I don’t know if there’s a happy medium somewhere, maybe there is. You would hope so. 

Thirty is a strange milestone. It feels very adult. Twenty you’re kinda just starting out, just getting into things. But now, you’ve been doing things a while, you should be getting the hang of things, settling into a rhythm, something like that. Of course, life is always a bit more complicated - and being neurodivergent, the standard narrative never fits particularly well. 

I feel like there are some pretty amazing things that I’ve been able to accomplish and do in the time that I’ve had so far, for sure. I’ve written and created a lot, connected to a bunch of people, done talks and plays and musicals and more; had moments of recognition now and then. But it would be easy for me to see the flip side to that as well - there are so many projects left unfinished, so many songs and stories that haven’t been heard or shared with others, so many ideas that haven’t seen the light of day. I’m learning, though, slowly, that we can only do so much with the time that we have. There will always be more we want to fit in life than we are able to. And even if there are times where much of what we do feels wasted, or worthless - perhaps they are bringing value to others. Or perhaps that is a sign to change what you are doing. I’m still learning, and there are many answers I don’t have. 

Over this year, there’s been a lot of up and down. Particularly down. I’ve had many moments and seasons of depression and hopelessness, where I’ve seen little point to living. I am grateful that I am not there now; that I am able to get through the days with a little more energy and focus. Meds probably helps; but people have also been a big help, as is often the case. I have many beautiful and amazing people around me that give me reasons to keep living, and looking forward to another day, to the future. Even in the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself getting better. And I’m grateful for all that the people around me give. I seem to say the same thing year after year, but it continues being true - I am here largely because of the people around me, and the hope, joy, and love they bring. So to each and every one of you, thank you. You have helped me to thirty. You have helped me to here, and now; you have given me life. 

Trans Day Of Remembrance.

Yesterday, the 20th of November, was Trans Day of Remembrance. For those who aren’t familiar with it - it’s a day that is set aside to remember trans people that have died in the past year as a result of transphobia and discrimination. On one website I checked, in the last year 375 trans and gender-diverse people were killed in the last twelve months. That’s more than one each day. In the previous year, it was over 4000 people. 

We might feel like we live in a modern and more accepting world, but unfortunately for many people that’s really not the case. In many countries around the world, there are laws actively making living life as a trans person unsafe, in many different ways. There are still countries where it’s illegal to be trans, or where there aren’t legal options in the country to change your gender. Even in countries that are more “free”, trans people regularly face opposition, fear, hatred, and violence from the systems of the country that we are in, the communities that we interact with, and the people around us.

For many trans people around the world, it is still dangerous to live as themselves. To live openly as trans. I’m grateful that I live in a country and in communities where I don’t have to worry too much. Things can be annoying, and difficult, or expensive, or awkward - but so far they haven’t been dangerous. I know that’s not the case for other trans people here, though, and I’m sure that things like white privilege and being still seen as male (even though I’m non-binary) contribute to that. 

So I am asking you to be kind. Trans people go through a lot of shit in this world, and the less we need to take that from the people around us, the better. You may not get it; you may not understand why; and that’s okay. That’s not the point. The point is that we deserve to live a life that is safe. As ourselves. As we all do. So please - be kind. And stand up for, stand beside, stand with, trans people. Remember those that have been lost. And let us hope that things get better. Because on so many days - too many days - there is just more tragedy, and more grief, and more death. Even now, we are mourning the loss of beautiful souls in Colorado Springs. But we go on. We live. And we remember.

On Projects, Time, Neurodiversity, Capitalism, and Money

A while back, I did a post talking about some projects that I was working on. I thought I might do something similar, because it's something I've been particularly noticing lately.

The main thing I'm pouring a bunch of time into at the moment is a campaign that I'm running using a system called Relics, made by a friend of mine, which has been good fun. TL;DR on the system is each player is an angel disguised as a human in the modern world, and God and heaven are both shut off, and they have to figure out what the heck they're doing. I'm doing a fair bit of writing for it, and I've never run a campaign before, so figuring a lot out! Haven't done much story writing in a long time, so I'm remembering all of that again and the various difficulties or things that came with that. But then there's also improv and such that I need to account for.....I am at best okay at some sorts of improv, but I'm not great 😅 so we'll see how that goes.

The main thing I'd like to be doing is getting my Fringe show, Rainbow Religion, out there again. I was able to do two performances - which is twice as many as I was expecting to do - but it still feels like it could get out to more people. I do have it available to watch online, which is great, but I'd love to see if I can perform it again in more places and such. But that probably means a bit of money investment, or just doing it for some queer churches potentially.

Another project I've thought of is doing an a cappella medley from Bo Burnham's Inside, with all of the songs. My thought was to start off doing one with just the four Bezos songs, as a smaller one to get into it, and then doing the rest. But first I need to figure out exactly how to mash them all together, and then arrange all the different sections for the different voices (probably doing four voices?), and then record it, and hopefully do a video for it too. Which is a lot, and I haven't really even started. Each time I play it in the car, I start singing some of the different parts and hearing how it will sound in my head, and having a good idea of which sections I'd use from each of the songs, but I still need to actually put it together.

Kinda a project, kinda not - got a talk that I'm doing at my church in a couple of weeks, so I've been spending bits of time working on that. It's been a long time since I've done a "sermon" as such (I did a talk about neurodiversity a little while back, but that felt somewhat different to a sermon), and doing it post-deconstruction/reconstruction feels very different. We'll see how that comes together, I think it's mostly done.

I also wrote another song for my musical about queer faith the other day. It's a project that I got the idea from near the end of last year, had a flurry of energy around and doing bits for, then haven't touched for most of this year. But I'm hoping that at some point it will get finished and see the light of day. Thinking about perhaps trying to look into grants or artist-in-residence type things I could apply for to help me with it. I just need a bit more motivation, and really some other people to help me make it happen. Making a musical is a big job.

Then there's a company that I'm going to be helping put a podcast together. Probably can't talk about that too much right now, but it's going to be interesting. I don't really listen to podcasts - I watch a couple - so I feel like I'm probably not going to be able to contribute much in terms of what it should look like. But we'll see how we go!

Then I also have a whole bunch of projects that are just on the backburner now, and have been for various lengths of time. Like the language I was creating, or my old musical, or multiple albums I've written, or board games I was making, and more besides.

Part of that is thanks to neurodiversity, particularly ADHD. It means that my brain wants to do a whole bunch of different things, and also do them all at once, rather than focus on one thing (also because of how it interacts with autism). But it's also because of a lack of time, and energy. Which is because of things like work. Which is because of things like capitalism. Y'know. Needing money to survive and all that, needing to work to survive. Which is shitty. And feels like it shouldn't be the case in an abundant world? But still very much is. And that's hard - knowing that there's so many ideas that my brain has, and so much I could do, and most of it I won't be able to do. Most of that potential won't be filled, because the vast majority of my time and energy has to get poured into survival. And I rather hate that. But I also don't know how to change that, bar miracles happening.

Of course, folks are always welcome to support me financially - I have a Patreon that people can contribute to with small amounts on a regular basis if they feel able to, but most of the folks I know probably aren't. But yeah. Being able to live in the world and actually do what you're good at, and put more of your time and energy into that, would be rather nice.

Reflections on The Boy From Oz.

Image credit: Angela Cascarino

Over the last several months, I've been involved in Campbelltown Theatre Group's production of The Boy From Oz. Yesterday was our final show, so I thought that I'd take some time to reflect a little on the experience. This has been an incredible show, and a gargantuan effort from so many people. We've had an incredible amount of talent, both on stage and off, and it's been reflected in the feedback that we've been receiving, and the number of tickets selling (most of the shows sold out)!

For myself, it's been a joy and a privilege to be a part of; but also a lot of work. Campbelltown isn't as close as it used to be, so making a two-hour round trip a couple of times a week for rehearsals has been rough. And just in terms of energy, and how I've been going emotionally and mentally, the last several months have been pretty all over the place. So I haven't been able to put as much into this show as I would have liked to. It's probably a blessing in disguise that I was mostly chorus.

But being able to be in a show again with so many old friends has been really amazing. Many of the cast and crew are people I've done a number of shows with before, all the way back to ten years ago, my first show with CTG. It's been good being able to see them again, and spend time with them, and just the support from them all has been amazing. They've all been pretty good with name and pronouns, even with me changing name fairly late in the production - and it was really affirming and encouraging for me to have that.

It's also been lovely being part of a show that's just so fun and colourful. For those of you who don't know the show, it's about the life of Peter Allen - an Australian singer/songwriter, pianist, dancer, bisexual, queer guy, and rather fabulous (remind you of anyone?). He's done a couple of songs you might have heard of, like I Still Call Australia Home, and I Go To Rio. And there's a few familiar faces on stage, like Judy Garland, her daughter Liza Minnelli, and even a brief appearance from a young Brian Henderson (played by yours truly). So the show was a lot of fun, and rather fabulous, and the music was great. So many fun dances and costumes, and people looking and sounding amazing.

It's been a while since I've done a musical - the last one was Spamalot, back in 2015, seven years ago now. (Yes, for those who were in it, it was that long ago!) I mostly do plays. But it was good getting back into singing and dancing on stage, and I hope that I have the occasion to do it again. Hopefully next time, a little bit closer to home 😅 Though that also means making new connections at a new theatre. We'll see how we go. First, rest, I think. Rest is good.

Spiralling.

One day, maybe I'll get to write some posts about other things than mental health....but not today. 

Yesterday, at the shops, I had an anxiety attack. Which was new to me. I'll often get anxiety at the shops (I'm not sure what from exactly, I've had it for years now), but this was more intense, and resulted in some quite obvious stimming to try and calm down. Those who know me well might be surprised that I actually have stims. I've been a bit more free with expressing them over recent years, but they're usually happy stims. I've rarely had anxious ones. 

But these were. I was repeatedly grabbing onto my left arm with my other hand, and repeating that motion for probably about half the time that I was at the shops. Mentally, and emotionally, I was not in a good place. And as I mentioned in a previous post, I haven't really been in a good place for a while. 

There's part of me that thinks I should probably be in mental hospital at the moment. That I should have been there months ago. Most of my energy these days is poured into keeping me together. What does that mean? Kinda a lot of things. It means not letting the various fears and anxieties I have take over. It means trying to do simple things like keep myself fed, and watered, and rested. It means getting myself out of bed for work. It means working up the willpower to actually go to work. It means trying not to dwell too much in negative emotion, and not let things spiral into feeling suicidal, giving up on life. Some little things, some big things.

But I keep getting more and more burnt out by life, and by work. And it keeps draining more and more energy. Which means I have less and less ability to hold shit together. That's meant a lot more forgetting things, and head empty moments. A lot more needing to just rest. A lot more needing to just do things halfway, or not at all. A lot more times of feeling depressed. And now, things like the anxiety attack showing up, and anxious stims.

Many days, I find it harder and harder to find reasons to keep going with life. It feels absurdly difficult. Like I'm living on challenge mode, and it just gets harder as you go. I am still finding joys amongst everything, and they help - but they've become a brief and fleeting respite from the normal fare.

Going to go bigger now, and talk beyond me for a bit. 

In a world of abundance like we have today, with access to so many resources - this shouldn't be happening. People shouldn't have to choose between financial stability and mental, emotional, and physical health. But so many do, every single day. In countries that are supposedly rich, and wealthy. That's not even getting to the state of things in poorer countries.

We need to get better at looking after people, on a structural and systematic level. Personal level is great too, like, look out for the people around you, great. But these systems need to change. Because they're slowly killing so many people, who can't see any way out.

The other week I felt like I was coming out of it. I was like, "Wow, I'm feeling great! I'm feeling really happy and laughing and positive and everything! I can't remember the last time I felt like this!" I think it lasted maybe a day before that started to fade. I've been in survival mode for a very long time now. I would rather like not to be.

I don't have a neat bow to this. Don't know if there are any.

Contemplating Commendations.....

I can't resist a good alliteration, y'all. It was this or Reflecting On Rainbows.

It's now been almost a week since my Fringe show came to a close. It feels strange now for it to be done. I put the application in so many months ago, thought I might only get one show, ended up getting two shows, and in such a great venue - it's all pretty amazing.

Even more amazing is that I have found out today that the show has been nominated for a Fringe award in THREE different categories! Which is insane. (The three categories are Music, Theatre, and Musical Theatre, by the way. My show wasn't really Theatre, but I'm not going to complain!) I knew going in that these were good songs, and good stories, and that they needed to be shared. But to have so many people that came along giving me great feedback, and then being nominated for three awards, is pretty amazing. People were saying things like - these songs should be on radio; I could see these songs in a musical (spoiler: I did start writing a musical about queer faith, which some of these songs would feature in, but it has been on the shelf for most of this year); I need to hear this as an album; you should perform this in other spaces; this made me cry; I loved that so much; those songs were incredible; and many other things.

It feels incredible to hear people saying these things. Because this is what I love to do. And more than that - this is my thing. Like, I have fingers in a lot of pies. Anyone who knows me will know that. There are so many different things that I do, and enjoy doing, and a decent number of things that I do well. But this - this is, more than anything else, my thing. Singing songs, telling stories, of my own journey, and connecting to other people through that. Whether that's to build understanding, or relationship, or empathy, or some combination of these; this is what I want to be doing. With, like, most of my time and energy 😅 But, you know, capitalism and money and survival and all that. Jobs are very good at soaking up a lot of time and energy. And ADHD is very good at not letting me focus on one thing.....

But I want to do this more. I want to do things like share Rainbow Religion with more people, more than the fifty-ish that showed up across two performances. Part of that will happen through getting the recording up online, and sharing it that way. But that's also not quite the same as doing it in person. So I guess, putting the call out there - if you know of a place that might be interested in having a show like Rainbow Religion, hit me up. Admittedly, I might need them to have a piano or a keyboard there, my keyboard is.....a bit out of action at the moment 😂 (I don't know where the power cord is for it any more, and it is rather old). But yeah. I'd love to bring this to more people. And I'd love to record these songs, with more instruments, get a proper band happening for them, that sort of thing. I even have music video ideas for a couple of them (like, one is a full on dance video, one is a freaking claymation weird thing). Write more songs. Share them. Do more of all of this.

Because we need more people sharing these sorts of stories. Stories from queer people, from trans people, from neurodivergent people, from people that have gone through shit and are happy to talk about it. The stories in Rainbow Religion have been about dealing with religious trauma, and growing up in the conservative church; and from the reactions that I've had, it feels like this is something that resonates with a lot of people. And that makes sense to me. I think particularly the generation I'm from, and around it, many of us were brought up in church. And there's a lot of stuff that can come out of that, that's not really great. But this isn't the time to do my show over again! I'm just glad that these stories are resonating with people. And I'm glad that what I'm doing is having an impact. So thank you.

Not A "Real" Christian...

This week, I'm performing my show, Rainbow Religion, as part of the Sydney Fringe Festival. There's been a lot of work that's gone into it, and a lot of stories that I'm sharing as part of it. But the topics that I'm talking within are massive - things like religious trauma, spirituality, queerness, deconstruction and reconstruction, moving away from toxic theology, integrating identity and belief, the overlap of so many different things. And so there's a lot that's going to get missed, it's a continuous story that I'm telling and sharing, in many ways. I feel like I've learned so much in so little time, but a couple of years is still a lot to try and distil into one hour. Because that's more or less what I'm doing, telling the story of the last couple of years, and what that experience has been like for me, and the challenges of that, and why I've done what I've done.

And it feels like much of what I'm talking about is going to connect and appeal to a lot of people. I don't want to try and imagine how many people have religious trauma from years gone by, and for various reasons, but I imagine it's a significant portion of the population. Certainly, most queer folks have it to some degree, because religion has done a rather good job of setting themselves up against us for the most part.

But there's also people that will see what I'm doing and get angry. And that will ask questions, or point fingers. And I understand that. People who will ask - "How can you say you're representing Jesus if you're saying that divorce is okay? Or that homosexuality is okay? Or that sex before marriage is okay? Or that porn is okay? Or that being a sex worker is okay? The Bible is clearly against these things! You can call yourself something else, but don't say you're a Christian." And I could ask right back - "How can you say you're representing Jesus when you're hurting those that are vulnerable, and in need? When you are the oppressor? When you are turning people away from the church, and away from God, and saying they are unwelcome? When you are bringing death, not life? This is opposite to everything Jesus did!" But arguments don't solve anything. And my intent isn't to burn bridges - it's to promote understanding, and to help people to heal.

There will probably always be divides, and extremes, and arguments. But we can hope to head towards a future where we don't have to fight to live as ourselves. Radical idea, right? One day, maybe.....

On Burnout.

I haven't been posting much here for a while. Or anywhere, really. And that's been due to a few different things, but really there's been one main culprit - burnout.

There used to be just plain old burnout. But now - now, we have different flavours.

When most people talk about burnout, they're talking about work. And that's certainly a chunk of it. But there's also autistic burnout, which is something I've only learned about more recently, and something I'm still trying to figure out how long I've been dealing with. I'm not going to go into detail about it here, but this is one post that shows up prominently from a quick Google search that seems to explain it decently. TL;DR - when we get overly drained from masking and the like. If you're familiar with the spoons metaphor, when we use too many spoons too often.

I think I might have had various levels of autistic burnout for a couple of years now, maybe more. Some seem to suggest it's an almost constant thing, it's just more about how bad it is. For me, it feels like it's been particularly bad over the past few months or so, but I've had a few waves back and forth over the last while I think.

The difficulty is, I can't really do one of the main things you'd usually do to help burnout - take time off. Have a break. I don't have the leave or the money to be doing that. Though I'll essentially be taking a week off on the week of my show (which you should come see and you can get tickets here) - which will be something, I guess? And maybe if a lot of people come and see my show, I'll have enough money to have a bit more time off. But more likely it will just give me a little bit to add to my currently-rather-low-savings.

What else could I be doing? Well, spending more time doing things that I do enjoy. And I'm trying to. I've got a musical I'm doing rehearsals for, and I'm loving the opportunity to sing and dance again. (I really love dancing.) I've got a show at Sydney Fringe coming up, so I'm practicing my music for that. Trying to catch up and see friends where I can. Would be nice to do games more often? I have a lot of boardgames sitting on my shelf. Unfortunately there's not really a good spot at the new place to do boardgames :( No good gaming table.

The main other thing I can think of is finding different work. Trying to find work that isn't as draining for me. And I am starting to look. But the process of finding work in itself can often be rather draining. So that's not exactly a fast solution.

Right now - I'm working on getting through each day. That's about as far as I'm able to look ahead, many days. Which can make things rather difficult. But that's what I've got to work with......

What's In A Name?

Hey folks. It's been a while now that I've been out as non-binary, and in that time, I knew that at some point, I would want to change my name to something a bit more.....me. I have nothing against the names that I was given when I was born - but they're very straight white cis male. And I am only one of those things. So, you know. Trying to find names that represent who I am now as a person a little better.

Names tend to have connections to both heritage and identity. For me, heritage hasn't ever held much weight or interest, unfortunately (though history in general does). But I don't change my name to try and hide my heritage, or disconnect from my family. I change my name to connect to and reflect my identity, because that is something that I connect to very deeply, and always have. I've had a different understanding of my identity over the years, but particularly in the last while it's grown and been made a lot clearer. So I'm choosing names that resonate with my new understanding of myself.

The first name was the easy part. It's one that's been in my head for quite a while as something I identify with, and was one of the first things I thought of when I was thinking of gender-neutral options for my first name. It's not what I immediately changed to, though, because I wanted to start with what was the smallest and easiest change, see how that felt, and go from there.

But my new first name that I've chosen is Raven.

I connect to this name for a few reasons. Firstly, one of the meanings of my old first name is "little raven", depending on which language you look up the meaning in, it has origins in a couple of languages. The second reason is a bit more abstract - it connects to a series of books I loved when I was younger, called the King Raven trilogy. The basic concept was re-imagining Robin Hood, in Wales, in the late eleventh century; basically, the struggle of the Welsh people against the Normans. Robin Hood is instead Bran ap Brychan, a Welsh prince, whose father is killed by the Normans. Bran escapes into the woods, barely alive, and starts a form of guerrilla warfare against the occupying forces; building a small team of archers, living in the woods, stealing from the Normans and giving back to the Welsh farmers and families. But where does the name Robin Hood come in? Well, over time, Bran earns the name and title Rhi Bran y Hud, which translates to King Raven the Enchanter. But an Anglicised version would be Robin Hood! But yes - Bran translates as raven in the Welsh. And so I loved this idea that I was somehow a bit connected to this person of Robin Hood, even if it was only in this fictional world. Because they're someone that I quite look up to - living to help those in need, and really doing something for justice and people that are hurting. Taking down the rich a couple of notches. (And no, for those wondering, I didn't pick this name because of the character from Teen Titans. I never actually watched it.)

The rest was harder, and I didn't really think about what to change the rest of my name to for a while. I think I first thought about it near the beginning of this year, when I had the idea of writing a musical about queer faith (as you do - it's still on the shelf with not much done at present, but hopefully it gets legs at some point), and thought about publishing under a pen name. Various ideas popped into my head, some I like, some not so much, but I did come up with the idea for my middle name.

The middle name that I've chosen is Joy.

Joy is something that Christians talk about a fair bit, particularly in comparison to happiness, and how it's more long-lasting, deeper, etc etc. And there's probably a bit of that in why I enjoyed (ha) the idea of this name. But it's also just going - I've been through a lot of shit in my life. Not the same sort of shit that others have, or not as much, sure, but I'm not here to compare shit to shit. It's all shit. None of it's fun to deal with and go through. And having gotten through a lot of shit, I'm still able to have joy in my life. And joy has helped me through a lot of the shit. It's not all that's helped me through - and there are certainly times in my life where it's felt fairly absent of joy - but it's been a big part of it. And for me, it's a big part of why I keep going, day-to-day, is the people and things that bring me joy. I'm grateful that there are so many. If you're reading this, chances are you've been one of them at some point.

The last name was the hardest one to figure out. Because, you see, at this point a pattern had been started. And my brain, autistic and ADHD as it is, can't resist a good pattern. I already had the initials R and J. If the last name then started with B - well then, my new name would have the reverse initials to my old name. And I liked the symmetry of that. My old name also had other symmetries - the three names had 7, 5, and 7 letters. They also had two, one, and two syllables. My new names, so far, had five and three letters - and two and one syllables. So. The last name needed to start with B, have five letters, and two syllables. I came up with one idea early on, but it didn't quite fit. And it's only very recently (like, the last few days, as I'm writing this) that I've come up with this one.

The last name that I've chosen is Bower.

This name I don't really have a story for. I was literally looking through a list of five-letter words starting with B, and seeing what resonated with me. And this is what stood out to me the most. I like the connection back to the first name (both being from nature), and that it's a green-sounding word. I like green. (I like purple more, but green is good too.)

So, that's my new name. Raven Joy Bower. In the next couple of months or so, the plan is to change it legally. It will be a bit of kerfuffle and fiddling around to make all of that happen, so I'm anticipating it might take some time to get all the paperwork sorted.

But yes. Hello folks. I'm Raven 😊

Exploring The Fringe....

I've gone and done something a bit radical, folks. Still needing to pinch myself now and then....

I'm going to be playing at the Sydney Fringe Festival. Some of you probably don't know what that is, so if you don't feel like doing a quick Google - it's an annual creative arts festival, specifically to feature up-and-coming creatives. They have Fringe Festivals in many different cities around the world (the most famous probably being Edinburgh Fringe). I don't know if this is true of all Fringe Festivals, or all years, but the way it worked was that there's no selection process as such. You make a submission, and if it fits the rules and guidelines and such, then you're in. The catch is that you have to do a lot of the work - they'll find you a venue, but then you need to do a lot of the marketing and promotion, pay some of the costs involved, all of that sort of thing.

But yeah. I'm going to be playing at that. Sharing some of my music, some of my stories....it feels a bit crazy. I haven't done an event like this before. I've played for a lot of people before - a couple of talent nights and such - but not an event this.....prestigious is I think the word I'm looking for. Feels a little scary? Kinda did the submission on a whim. It's something that I've thought about doing before, but never really got round to it. Thought this year I'd give it a try. And now it's happening. We have a venue, we have dates (yes, multiple!), we have things starting to be organised.....I have no idea how many tickets I'll actually sell, or how many people will come. But it's happening!

I've called the event Rainbow Religion. The basic idea is to do the songs from my latest album (I say latest album, but it hasn't been released anywhere, just written) that I've written, Life To The Full, and tell some stories related to them. It's talking about my experience of coming out as queer later in life, after growing up Christian - some of the deconstruction that I've done, and reconstructing back into something that I believe in now. Reconciling the queer and the faith. I feel like that's a lot of what I talk about, write about, these days, when I do write. It's either about queer stuff, or about how that interacts with Christian stuff.

Because it's important. For so many reasons. I think there are a lot of queer people that have a lot of trauma from the church - either from being raised in it and thrown out, or just the hate directed at them by the church; then there are a lot of people in the church that are queer and afraid to come out, either because they don't think it can line up with their faith or because they're afraid of the reaction from people around them; and there are lots of people in the church as well who just really don't understand queerness, sexuality, gender, well at all. There are a lot of bridges that need building, and I feel like I can help to be a part of that, and a part of that healing process. Doesn't mean that I think every church is about to be affirming - but there are churches around that are, and that are more sex-positive. And it feels like the affirming church, and the queer church, is growing. Which is awesome. It feels like there's a lot of generational trauma that's slowly being undone, and slowly being healed, and words of life spoken into that. And I hope that I can be a part of that, with the music that I play, and the stories that I share.

When things get a bit more finalised, I'll certainly be sharing more information - it's a few months away yet, but we're already making plans! I believe it's going to be good. And maybe I'll see you there :)