Enough.

Seem to be doing quite a few of these more honest/reflective posts recently. It's interesting. Anyway.

God's been challenging me with lots of things over the last few months. You may or may not remember this post: http://modnarama.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/figuring-out-this-year.html that I did - wow, a couple of months ago. One of the challenges I mentioned there was bringing my focus away from a relationship with someone I was interested in, and back to a relationship with God. So the idea was to go the whole year without thinking about that sort of thing, and just focussing back on God.

My heart chucked a tantrum at that one, it didn't seem to like the idea too much. It's been loving someone (not the same someone, to clarify) for six years, and my memory starts to fade before then. So yeah, it didn't listen too well to that.

It's not the feelings themselves that are an issue. The feelings are real, and true - I think they always have been. The issue is that my heart can't let loving God be enough. Not God's love, you understand - loving God. Because my heart needs someone to love - doesn't matter if nothing happens, it's used to that. It just seems to like pining away from afar, and throwing me in head over heels at a moment's notice.

I was fiddling around on the guitar (I can't really play it; I cheat-tune it to make it easy for me), and I wrote this song called Enough based on this idea. I essentially wrote it as I played it, and it only took me ten minutes or so. If you want to have a listen, it's up here: https://soundcloud.com/bjraymond/enough
Quite like the feel of it.

The chorus says this: "And I’ve known this for so long/So why can my heart not tag along/And let you be enough". And that's the challenge. I know how it's supposed to work. I know what needs to be happening. I know and believe that God is enough for me. I just don't know how to get my heart to feel that - because that's a whole 'nother level. And I've experienced that level jump before a couple of times - sometimes it's slow and gradual, sometimes it's a bit of a jolt - but I know that's what I need to work towards.

So what does that mean for the feelings I have now? I don't know. I know (from experience) that there's not much point trying to suppress them - they'll either come raging back up, or I'll gradually develop feelings for someone else. That's where my heart is at at the moment, and that's what I have to try and work out. And I don't know how that's going to work, or how that's going to look. But, hopefully, with God's help I can do this.