Aiming High.

A while ago, I was at a workshop on preaching. I can't remember what the context of this was, but I remember the guy writing up a few things - three or four - on the board. Each one an adjective and noun. One of the first he had there was "Irresistible Husband", or something like that, and we all laughed. But he said, "Hey, I only have to be irresistible to one person!"

I liked the idea of having these clear things that described you, shaped you, that you aimed towards - so with anything that you were doing, you could ask, "Is this helping me become more like this?" And if not, maybe asking why you're doing that.

I cam up with five pretty much right off the bat. I added a sixth, because I might not always feel comfortable sharing the fifth. Then I added a seventh, because I realised that though God was kinda in all of them, he wasn't specifically represented. And I thought was pretty darn important.

This is the list that I came up with.

1. Present Son
2. Caring Friend
3. Dreaming Creator
4. Discerning Thinker
5. Devoted Lover
6. Lasting Influencer
7. Courageous Follower

I want to go into those a bit, unpack them. So sit down with me for a moment! This might take some time.

The first one there isn't just about being a son. It's about family. Whether that be being a son, a brother - and hopefully, one day, a husband and a father - all of that. But there wasn't really a word for that, so I just put in son, for now. And for me, present was the most important descriptor to have there. Because I think so many problems stem from people just not being there. Not all problems - but a lot of them. And so one of the things I really wanted to be was more present for my family, and in my family. That's still something that I want to do.

After family comes friends, of course! But what sort of friend do you want to be? A helpful friend? A kind friend? A generous friend? Certainly - but I think I found many of those, and more, summed up in the word caring. I want to be caring towards my friends. I want to be there for them, helping them when they're down, listening to them when they need an ear - I want them to know that they matter to me. That they matter a lot. So caring friend is the second one.

Then we get more into what I do - so creating! Obviously. And for me, the word that worked was dreaming. I don't want to be a creator that only works within the possible, or the realistic. Within what will probably work, or what's doable. I want to dream big, shoot for the stars. And probably miss most of the time - but hey, it's better than just shooting at the wall and getting bored because it's so easy to hit it every time.

I'm also an avid thinker. And quite a deep thinker. But that wasn't quite the right word for me, because it didn't really have a purpose. It's what it looks like, yes, but it doesn't answer the why. After a bit, I realised that it was discerning. Figuring out what is true, what is right, what is best. That's what I try to achieve through my thinking. Sifting through things to find the gold.

I couldn't go through this without putting this in - after all, I'm a Four! So, yes, lover, despite not having many opportunities to demonstrate that. When thinking on what sort of lover I would want to be (a question I rather enjoyed considering), I couldn't go past the word devoted. I want to be the sort of person that keeps coming back to someone, again and again, no matter what's happening. That keeps aiming to do best by them, and working to make their life amazing. But I'll stop waxing lyrical and move on.

When I tried to think of another one - I thought that I want to influence people. But not in the sense that I want to be a big name, or something like that. I don't want to be an Elon Musk, or a Steve Jobs. But I want to make an impact on the lives of people around me. And the kind of impact that I want to have? I want it to be lasting. I don't want it to be something that's just here and gone. I want to be impacting people in ways that makes a real difference, that lasts, that sticks, that passes on to other people. That old idea of each person you influence then influencing other people, etc etc.

And lastly, I want to be a follower of God. But not just any old follower. I want to be a courageous follower. This one is very much inspired by the movie by the same name. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour. It's one of the better Christian movies out there, that isn't actually cheesy. But I want to be someone who follows God even when it's hard, even when it doesn't make sense, even when the world is against me. Even if it becomes illegal. Hopefully that doesn't happen - but I want to be someone who does stand in God's truth. (NB: For those that feel a little bit of bile right now, I'm not talking about hitting people in the face with God's truth, or cutting them down with it. That sword is meant to be used against the forces of darkness, not people.)

This is who I want to be. This is what I aim for. This is how I try and frame what I do, how I live my life. I hope you find this interesting - and perhaps helpful in thinking about the way that you live your own life as well.

Hiding Things Behind Humour.

Near the end of last year, I went to see a show with my mum and little sister. It was quite a big show, that had been advertised all over the place. Big acts, lots of them; and it had come to Sydney, after travelling around the world. It was a variety show, so there were plenty of different things happening, all run by an MC comedian who came in between each one. And it's him that I want to talk about for a moment.

While he was quite jovial, wisecracking, etc.; many of his jokes were rather - tasteless. No, sorry, that's not the right word. They weren't okay. They were demeaning, disparaging, derogatory. He gets an overall 'D' for Dreadful.

One particular one I can recall was just after the opening act. The performer had been on the silks, and she was quite stunning. While I don't remember the exact words, it was something to the effect of - "You know the hardest thing about that performance? Me, actually." He sat on an elder patron's knee a couple of minutes later, and then commented, "Oh, you were hard too!"

It was rather....disgusting, bluntly. But the thing is, he - and people like him - aren't the problem. Which is why I haven't been calling him out here, or saying what the performance was. Because that's not really the focus of this post.

Because, despite everything that he was saying - everybody laughed. People were smiling. There were no boos. And that's the problem. "Oh, it's just a joke, so that makes it okay!" But no. No, it really doesn't.

We're still in a society that considers this acceptable. I was at the final performance that they had, after quite a number of shows, when they'd already been to many different places in other countries, and were going on to other places in Australia. I can pretty much guarantee you that his jokes would have been rather similar - or of a similar tone - in the other places he went to. But there hasn't been - as far as I know - any news or stories condemning the comedian, and in the program, it listed many influential people that commended him, or awards that he had.

This is the same problem we've had with #MeToo. People think it's not that big of an issue. It is. This isn't okay, and we need to change. We've got a long way to go, folks.

The First Sunrise.

Apologies for inactivity on here. Was on a camp last week, and haven't been doing great since then. But thought I'd share a little story from New Year's Day with you.

I have a little tradition with the New Year where I get up to watch the first sunrise of the year. I'll note that I do this instead of watching the fireworks and staying up until midnight. I don't really enjoy fireworks that much. Last year, I did this at Pulpit Rock Lookout, following a week-long retreat, on a morning that was super foggy/misty, and you really couldn't see the sunrise at all. It was rather a good indicator of that year - last year was a winter year for me. It was a time when things were stripped away, I went back to the basics, and it took me a while to get back into things. When I had a lot of time on my hands, was retreating and resting a lot, and I often felt a bit lost or broken (more so than usual). That's winter for you.

This year, though, it was a bit different. I drove up there on New Years' Eve, and just slept in the car. When I went up, it was super misty/foggy, terrible visibility. I set my alarm so that I would be up before the sun was visible, and it really wasn't illuminating the sky much at all. I think I ended up getting to the lookout about an hour before the sunrise proper. And it was super clear, absolutely beautiful. I got to watch the whole gradual lightening of the sky over the course of that time, and eventually seeing the first spots of the sun peeking over the horizon.

To me, that was a real indication of the difference between last year and this year. Last year was winter; this year is spring. New life, new beginnings, new growth. That's what I'm holding to, though it might take a while for me to see that coming to fruition. But spring has always been my favourite.

For most of the time, I was there by myself. Shortly before the sunrise proper, another guy came along - a photographer, who set up and started to take some photos. Another fifteen or twenty minutes later, when the sun was pretty much completely clear of the horizon and I was about to leave, another group arrived.

And I found that really interesting. Because evidently, they were there for the same reason as me - to see the sunrise. But they hadn't really seen it at all. They were just seeing the aftermath. And yeah, it looked pretty cool. But it was nothing compared to the slow and grand reveal of the sun over the horizon that I'd been watching for that hour.

For me, I guess, it's another demonstration that many people are only half-way in. They want to do something cool, see something great, make a difference - but not if it's too hard. Not if it means sacrifice, or difficulty, and certainly not if it means waiting!

I think one of the biggest things that this last year has taught me is patience. It's a long, and hard lesson to learn; but it's one of the most important. Particularly in today's world. And it's one that I'm very much still learning, and I'm still not very good at sometimes (read: when it comes to relationships) - but I'm getting there. Slowly.

On Reasons Why.

This will be more of a ramble than usual, because I don't really have something specific I'm wanting to say. Just....needed to write. Wanted to write about this. We'll see how we go.

I've recently been chugging through 13 Reasons Why. The Netflix series, not the book. Sorry book fans, haven't quite gotten to it yet. I will one day. I'd known it was around for a while - but was put off watching it because I'd heard that the depictions of suicide and rape were pretty intense. (Which they are, especially the former. I couldn't watch that at all.) But the story drew me in - and the main character. Nice having an Aspie protagonist now and then. Though it is becoming more common, admittedly. And yes, I feel like me and Clay are rather similar in some ways. Feel a connection to Hannah as well - possibly because she's an Aussie actress (in case you didn't know that).

NB: This isn't a review of the show, but if you haven't seen it, I may mention things that are spoilery. We'll see.

I find the basic premise rather....interesting. That someone, before they die, records their story on to a series of tapes to be sent around to a list of people. I find it interesting because it's rather familiar. One of my big things is always about being able to tell my story, share my life. And one of my struggles is feeling like nobody really listens. No one's really there. I know that's not true. But it's hard when you put a massive amount of work into an album, tell everyone you're doing an album launch, and a couple of dozen people show up. Just - as an example. I guess I can understand the attraction of being able to tell your story so - completely, to a captive audience. I think that's one of the reasons that I long for a relationship, as well. Just being able to spend time together, sharing stories, learning about each other. I've never really been able to do that, not often.

There's a few things that I also really like about it. For instance, it makes a clear distinction between what consent should look like and what it isn't, twice for both. For those who are unsure: something as simple as asking "Is this okay?" early, and regularly as things get more heated. If the answer is anything but a clear "Yes!" - then you don't have consent. Simple as that.

It also really talks about everything being related, interconnected, chaining together. How everything affects everything else. Being rather Walter-ish (a la The Finder, for those who know it), I appreciate that. Think there's a lot of truth to it.

Oh, also, I really liked what they did with Jeff. It was only after he had gone that I realised he was only around in flashbacks. And the connections that the different characters had to him. Was really well done.

Having been a fair bit lower for the past - while, I also appreciate that it doesn't shy away from that sort of thing. It presents reality, without sugarcoating it. That it's alright to not be okay. And to say that, and to talk about it. Because even with the #RUOK day and the mental and emotional awareness that we have these days - there's still so much silence. There are still so many people that just disappear, and people don't know why. Because there wasn't anyone that was really there for them.

Argh. For those wandering, no, I'm not really okay. But I'm not the type to do drastic things. Enjoy life too much, even when I'm feeling shitty. And having a fear of pain means that I'm not one to be hurting myself. So I just get to.....sit with this for a while. Yay.

I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'm at my worst in the evenings. We'll see how tonight goes.

17/18.

Usually I try and do a double post, one at the end of the year, one at the start. Guess you're just getting them combined into one! Ah well.

2017 was a lot of things for me. Here are just a few.


Launching into the year thinking I'd be doing something straight away, and moving out soon - then getting told by God I'd be sticking around for a while. Probably most of the year. Oh yay.

Starting from a clean slate. They're rather....empty, strangely enough. Guess that's kinda the point.

Leading/speaking on my first Cru camp - a dirtbike camp. I thought it meant mountain bikes until I got there. Hey, I didn't have to ride them during the camp! Thankfully....

Wondering where to go to church, and then remembering that I'd jogged past one just down the street a few times. Hey, I know people that go here! Music is pretty nice too. And some people around my age. Yeah, this will work, at least for now.

Getting a "job" from my parents helping my sister get ready in the mornings. I shouldn't put that in inverted commas. They paid me money. But it's still slightly weird getting a job from your parents.

Wondering what on earth God was doing. Didn't you want me to be doing something, God?

Having interview after interview that I thought went rather well - and that went nowhere.

Being part of another awesome production at the Campbelltown Theatre.

Getting involved with a great charity gig called Busk For A Cure.

Going to an amazing concert over at Hope with a small group of people.

Finding a job that just got put up at a church down the road from my old school, and then getting asked to come in and have a go with the band that Sunday. Then being told I've got the job, and I can start straight away. Oh, and two of the kids were at the dirtbike camp. In my group. God, you be trolling me....

My sister getting engaged!

Giving piano lessons for the first time. Not being too terrible at it.

Getting to do a series of talks at my old school chapel around my songs and story.

Doing Sydney Writers Festival again - and playing on the piano! Seem to meet new people each year.

Finally getting a job - that won't start for another few months. Yay, more waiting!

Joining a fortnightly men's group.

Preaching a fair few times.

Doing another Cru camp - and another one! These guys seem to like me.

Doing youth group again, after quite a while....

Feeling like starting off with a "clean slate" suddenly means I've set off on an island by myself....and I've now lost most of my support structure.

Eating my hat, and having a go at a Christian dating site.

And leading on camps again, after quite a while! Though somewhat different, this time.

Starting up with OPMG. Having a fair bit of fun there.

Feeling very overwhelmed and lost.

Doing MROP. Being in way over my head. That being.....okay.

Going back to that other church to visit, because I actually have a week off, after so long - people remembering me! :)

Getting a car! After about a year of not having one.

Struggling with loneliness so, so much. Thinking that I might be good a couple of times - no, wait, it's back.

Getting a job at Hope 103.2. At Hope 103.2. I still pinch myself a little, guys.

My sister getting married.....more pinching.

Launching my second album in The Crux Project, God's Love Song. Pinching continues....

Moving out! Pinching levels at max.

Seeing the music of La La Land performed live at the Opera House. With Justin Hurwitz conducting. Yes, it was amazingly awesome.

Wondering how I suddenly got so busy....

Still feeling empty, even though things seem to going so well.

Finishing the writing of my final album in the four-part cycle, True Story.


....I did say a few, but I think most of them are up there. Oh well. I did say it would be a longer post.

2017 was a hard year in many ways - but also a growing year. It was a year of winter, and waiting, and learning patience. But it was also a year where I started to see the spring thaw setting in. And I do rather love the spring.

2018 looks to be a year of spring. I have a job that seems to be rather stable, and a church that just keeps giving me more to do. (I should probably learn to say no at some point. Maybe when there's someone else who can actually say yes.) I'm going to be assistant directing a show later in the year. I'm starting up a weekly tabletop gaming group at my place. I'm already planning the next album recording and launch. And it just feels - good. I don't really know what it has in store, but I'm really looking forward to this year. I have a lot of hope around this year. (Heh.) But I guess we'll have to see how it unfolds. After all, if this year is spring, then next year is summer - which I'm historically terrible at. But one year at a time, hey?