Ukulele in the park at midnight.

I want to tell a story. It's part of a story of how I moved towards being an LGBTQIA+ affirming Christian. This is one of many such stories, but it stands out to me still today.

Many years ago, there was a cafe called Mars Hill Cafe in Parramatta. Particularly in my uni days, I would be there most months for open mic nights, songwriter sessions, and the like. It was a really great place, with lovely people. Good food as well. They even had boardgames there, that you could bring out to your table and play with people while you were eating. But, for various reasons, it had to close down one day.

I went to the closing down party, because it had been such a big part of my life for the last few years. While I was there for dinner, there were a few other folks there sitting down and about to play a game. I ended up in conversation with them, and joining them for the game. The game was Monopoly (I know, terrible! But this was a while ago), and I can't remember who won or much about it, but we had fun. And the folks were queer. It was a while back, so I can't really remember names that well, but we had a good time together, and we all ended up adding each other on Facebook.

Not long after, Vivid was happening in Sydney, and so they were like, hey, we should catch up and see Vivid together! And so we did. It was crazy busy, massive crowds, and so we took a while to be able to get anywhere. They ended up getting bored fairly quickly, so they were like, hey, we'll take you to some gay bars! I'd never been to a gay bar before. I'd very rarely even been to a bar before xD I remember at one point they were playing a drinking game, but I didn't drink. So I was playing it while drinking water. Guess who won? :P We roamed around from place to place, and I had brought my ukulele along (as you do), and was playing that in bits and pieces too. I have one distinct memory of playing it as we were running through Hyde Park.

But what was strange to me was that, the next morning, I was preaching at a church. And I wondered what they would think, if they knew that the night before I had been to a bunch of gay bars with a group of queer people. I thought they probably wouldn't like that. And that made me sad. Because it felt right. It felt good to be there, with those people (I know now that I'm queer, but certainly had no clue of it then), and there was genuine joy in that experience.

I think Jesus knew what he was doing, when he lived amongst people. So often when we judge people, we're judging people that we don't know. That are outside, and unknown, and strange, and different. But when we spend time with people - when we share a meal with them, talk with them, start relationship with them - these boundaries between "us" and "them" break down, and we realise that we are not all that different. That's not just a Christian and queer thing, that's a people thing. You can apply it across to lots of situations. But I think it works well here. Often, growing up, it felt like queer people were condemned by many Christians because who they were or what they did was somehow seen as inherently wrong or different. But the more I got to know queer people, the more I saw that this was crazy. They weren't any different to me. (Of course, later on I would figure out I was queer too, but that took me a while.) Their love was the same as mine, just as real as mine, just as precious as mine. Who they were was no less or more than any other person.

Over the years, I'm grateful that I've been able to have many such experiences with queer people, that have helped me to see the truth. But this is one that lives in my memory most clearly. And so I thought that I would share it, in case it helps others.

Stranger and Stranger: Multiversing Madness

I haven't done a review in a long time. So let's do a review! Warning: spoilers abound. I'm not really going to be talking about some of the key spoilers in this review, but there are certainly things I'll be talking about that will change your perception of the movie if you have not watched it yet. You have been warned!

With that out of the way.

Doctor Strange: Multiverse Of Madness had a lot to live up to; and perhaps the trailers should have better set expectations around what would (and wouldn't) be in the movie. The multiverse is something that has been mentioned since Spider-Man: Far From Home, and more recently has featured prominently in the series of Loki, What If?, and the latest MCU movie, Spider-Man: No Way Home - which also featured Doctor Strange. At the end of Loki, we see the Sacred Timeline splitting and fracturing into pieces, but this has not yet been referenced in any of the shows or movies since. In What If?, we saw brief snapshots of different universes, different possibilities - as well as the idea that some beings may be able to move between and beyond them. And in Spider-Man: No Way Home, we get a direct reference to the multiverse, as well as characters from them emerging and colliding in spectacular ways.

In some ways, I think that Multiverse Of Madness struggled from occurring so soon after No Way Home. The latter hit it out of the park on so many levels, and had so much nostalgia to draw on from previous years and generations. And so, great expectations were set on this movie as well, particularly with a name like Multiverse Of Madness - people come bringing all their questions about the multiverse from these recent adventures, expecting that we'll finally see some answers, some crossover happening, that we'll see the multiverse impacting the current MCU in very real and tangible ways.

But that's not what really happens in this movie. Instead, this movie is just another peek into the multiverse; perhaps more than we've had in other places (No Way Home was a look into the past, Loki a fun look at alternate presents, whereas Multiverse Of Madness does give us some ideas about what could be coming in the future), but still less comprehensive than perhaps might have been expected. The main look at this we get is through the character of America Chavez, a great addition to the MCU, a character that seems to be able to travel the multiverse at will (though somewhat erratically at the start), with some glimpse at other bits of power too. We get a couple of glimpses at other universes, our longest glimpse even giving fans some tantalising teasers about possibilities to come; but these aren't really the focus of the story.

Instead, the focus of our story is a continuation from Wandavision; with Wanda, or Scarlet Witch, being arguably the central character for the bulk of the movie. And this, perhaps, is where some of the plot of the movie falls apart a little.

The central idea of the movie is that Wanda is trying to find her kids again (strangely, there is no mention or appearance of Vision). Having realised that her previous attempt to have a family hurt so many, it seems she has changed her plan to only (theoretically) hurt one: America Chavez. Her plan is to take America's power, travel to a universe where she has kids, and live her life there. When Strange asks the question of what will happen to the Wanda in that universe, there's a pause as if she hadn't considered that; or as if that's not relevant, not the point. But most of the movie is spent trying to keep Wanda away from America, often through rather drastic means (and a lot of death). Yet the obvious question never seems to be asked: why don't they just have a conversation, and America opens a portal for Wanda to the universe she wants to go to, and they let her figure things out with the Wanda of that universe? It feels like that would be much less messy. I realise the answer is probably because that would be too easy, of course, and much less drama. But it's sad to feel like Wanda is demonised, when all she is wanting is family.

Putting these concerns aside - it's a pretty good movie. There's a lot of action, and some really interesting fights (one particularly memorable one for me using music as a weapon, with great use of the instrumentation here), but also quite a decent chunk of horror-esque feel to it, and a bit more gruesome violence than you might expect of other Marvel movies. I'm not a big fan of horror, so that side didn't appeal to me so much, but it also wasn't so much to be completely off-putting for me. I enjoyed getting to dive back into the world of Doctor Strange, and seeing a few new techniques from him; it felt like we might see the alternate universe Strange from What If?, but that wasn't one of the ones that showed up. It was nice to see some new characters at Kamar-Taj, including some non-human - perhaps we'll see them again? It's going to be interesting to see where things go from here.

I think one of the difficulties we get as we go further into the MCU is just the proliferation of so many different threads, that go so long before being picked up. We thought a bunch might be picked up here - but no, we'll need to wait a bit longer for that. And each movie just adds more threads, and more stories, each occurring at the same time, and sometimes interweaving, but oftentimes barely even acknowledging each other. Moon Knight, for instance, the latest MCU series, has literally no tie-ins to the larger universe at all. Eternals, one of the recent movies, occurred largely within its own bubble as well, despite taking place across continents and incredible spans of time. If people fall in love with one of these characters from a specific film or show - it's going to be longer and longer before we see them again. Yes, more content is being made than before; but a lot of it is with new characters, and telling new stories, not bringing them together. Which makes it harder and harder to be a "casual fan", or, indeed, a new fan. There's so much to catch up on, and you never really know what will draw on what.

But anyway, I've rambled along long enough. I enjoyed the movie; but it felt like it wasn't what I was expecting it to be, and I didn't like how Wanda was demonised. It felt like we expected this movie to be something different, and something more, and so there's a feeling of being let down from that. But it's still an enjoyable movie, and there's still some great moments in it, and some goodies in there to look forward to (though again, how far in the future? No clue!). Let me know your thoughts if you like down below.

Finding Worth.

Firstly, an apology - I haven't written on here in quite some time now. That was partly due to a depressive season that I had earlier in the year which was quite bad, and sucked basically all of my energy. I had one post I wrote in the middle of that, basically talking about where I was at - but for now that one will stay in drafts. I don't need to be sending that out the wide world of the internets right now.

I also haven't really known what to write about for a while now, just in general. Whether it be here, or with poetry, or with music, or other creative endeavours, things have just been really dry. I've struggled for words, struggled to get anywhere, not really knowing where to start or what to say. So I've just been replaying some old bits for a little while. But that's not what this post is about.

I see a therapist. I've been seeing one (and the same one) since I started investigating this idea of being queer - so back in later 2020. My mental health has been up and down and all over during that time, but it's been great having someone to talk to and check in with through that. In my last session, though, we found a particular nerve - and I knew it was a nerve, on some level, but I hadn't really talked about it before. At least, not on this way.

One of my most recurring struggles, and fears, and feelings, is that I'm wasting time. That most of my days are just being thrown away, with no importance or significance to them, not doing anything that has real value. That I'll get to the end of my life, and there will just be so much time that was completely wasted, and worth nothing.

The difficulty is that, the vast majority of the time, work is like this for me. There are times when I can enjoy the work that I do, or see how it helps people, and find moments of joy within it; but all too often, it feels like I'm taking the day and throwing it into the void, and never seeing it again. And that's been true of most of the work I've done, really. Some just distract me from that better than others.

But then, even when I do have time, there are still barriers. Energy and focus being the big ones. The vast majority of the time, I have neither, or I have the first but not the second. ADHD is probably a culprit here (trying to get diagnosed and get meds for it to help, but the lines for it are miles long, with waitlists often over six months for just the first appointment), but there's only so much that I can do about that right now. And I don't really have the power (by myself, anyway) to do much about capitalism.

Switching it around, then. If I can't do much about the shitty, what's the good? Well, as I'm constantly reminded, and particularly recently - the good is people. When I'm able to connect to people, and make an impact on their lives in some way. Whether that's through directly meeting up with friends and family and helping them, or through the music I play and create, or other things that I make, or other things I'm involved with - seeing that what I do changes people's lives for the better, and brings people real joy, peace, hope, release. 

And so I try to do that more. But that also takes energy (even though it often gives me energy when I get there too) - which other things in life are really good at soaking up and taking away. But these are the things that help me find meaning and worth in life.

I could probably talk about whether that expectation of "making an impact" is healthy or not, and where that comes from, but that's probably a different post. Maybe another time.