The Journey To Here.

Today (as I’m writing, which is 16th Feb), I’ve been prompted to think about some of my journey to get here. I’ve got another showing of Rainbow Religion coming up in a few weeks (plug plug), and I brush over it quickly there - but there’s some interesting highlights, reflecting back, that I guess I wanted to note now. Things that feel interesting for me today, identifying now as both queer and Christian (though still doing plenty of unpacking around the latter of those two and what it means for me). 

The standard part that I mention - I grew up in a Christian family. But going deeper on that - very Christian. Growing up, I didn’t know any family as not being Christian. When I was quite young, my dad was a pastor for a bit (and has been for a bit before I was born, I think, not sure exactly how long). His grandfather has also been a pastor, and quite a well-known one in Western Australia church circles (my dad and his family are from WA). My mum was also fairly involved with church when I was younger, mostly in music. I was the eldest of four, and being the young hyperlexic autistic good little Christian that I was, just devoured the Bible. I’m pretty sure at this point I’ve read all of it at least twice, maybe three times, and much of it more than that. And since I also loved public speaking from a young age, that then translated across to doing sermons - which I also had some opportunities to do from just high school age as well. Then I was at a Christian high school, and the uni that I was at had a Christian group there as well. 

Fast-forward a couple of years, and I’m at Bible college. It’s just a year-long course, and more meant as something to grow and equip young leaders in the church, but still, Bible college! Came out the other side with a Diploma of Christian Studies, which sounds fairly boring, I’ll admit. But I enjoyed it while I was doing it, and certainly made a lot of connections in the denomination I was in (Churches of Christ, which is something a bit different here in Australia to in some other countries). I ended up doing an internship at church a couple of years later (mainly leading the tech team), and they needed me to do a bit more study as part of that - I thought I’d challenge myself, so I took them at Masters level, in theory heading towards a Masters of Divinity (which either sounds very impressive or very ludicrous/pompous, depending on who you are), but I only ever did three units. 

Then, I worked for Koorong for a while in their main warehouse. If you’re not familiar with Koorong, they’re basically the main Christian bookstore/CD/DVD/gift sort of place in Australia. They have about a dozen stores or so across the country, maybe a couple more? Not sure, been out of the loop for a while. But yeah, they were a well-known name in Australian Christian circles. 

Then I also had a stint working with Hope 103.2, Sydney’s biggest Christian radio station. Might also be the biggest in Australia? Not sure. I’d been listening to them since I was a kid, they were the usual station that parents had on in the car. Then volunteered to run with them in the City2Surf one year, then volunteered at their donation drives that ran in November and June each year, then ended up getting a job in their contact centre for a while. Got to know the folks there pretty well, and how it all works; interesting seeing behind the scenes. 

Then I ended up leading the music at an Anglican church as a regular job one day a week for a few years. That was interesting - going into a place where basically everyone had views that were quite different to mine, and trying to figure out the balance. Still made a lot of good friendships and connections, and put a lot of myself into many of the kids/teens there. But it was certainly challenging. 

And now - I’m in a very different place, following a very different path. And many of the people and connections from those previous times and places probably don’t want much to do with me. But it’s interesting thinking about what I can do with that now, and how I can use what I have learned to speak into places others might find difficult, or to help bridge divides that feel vast. 

Even though I’ve spent most of my life in Christian spaces, and only a couple of years now in queer ones - it feels like I’ve got queer stuff a lot more figured out than Christian stuff. I don’t know if that says more about the effects of trauma, or just the nature of trying to comprehend God; stuff is weird. Part of me wants to try and bridge the gap between these two. Part of me is still figuring out what I now believe, what it is that I’m telling people about. In many senses, I think I don’t know. But perhaps we never really can, anyway. 

Looking back on 2022.

I’m grateful that this year has both started, and ended, with friends. (And some of the same ones, to boot!) But there’s been a lot of different things happening in between the two of those. So let’s take a moment to look at that.

Much of the year, unfortunately, was characterised by burnout, and depression. I feel like I’ve talked about that before in a few different posts this year, so I’ll just brush over it here. In short, though - there were moments this year, where in some ways I was at the worst I’ve been, in terms of emotional health. I’m glad that the worst of it was only brief moments; but there were some decently long seasons where things were quite low, and quite bad. Where it took most of my energy to just get through the day, and get to tomorrow, and I didn’t really have a lot to look forward to in life, or that I felt like I was living for. I’m certainly hoping 2023 doesn’t get a repeat of that. But there’s only so much you can do. 

It certainly wasn’t all bad, though. And there were a lot of really incredible things that happened this year. Some I’m not really comfortable talking about in a public space like this - but I’ll go over the ones I can. 

Probably the biggest one was Sydney Fringe. Early in the year, it was just a vague idea; like, oh, let’s put this thing in and see where it goes and if it works. And then it was happening. And I was getting photos for it, putting the songs together, organising a venue, getting offered a place in the Limitless disability hub (which was amazing!), and doing it. And getting so many people loving it, and wanting to hear more, and it really resonating with people. I’m still hoping to do it again in more places (if you know somewhere that might have me, let me know!), but organising shit is hard with ADHD 😅

Another big thing was The Boy From Oz, a musical I did with my old local theatre group in Campbelltown. I hadn’t done a musical for a few years, and I had a bunch of fun. I was just part of the chorus, but we were still on stage quite a bit (so many quick changes!), and had a lot of fun songs. It was such a great team to work with, both on stage and off, and I had a great time. I hope I get the chance to do some more theatre work this year - perhaps closer to home, this time?

The cast and crew there were also great with the other big thing that happened this year - my name change. I’d been using a shortened version of my old name for a while as an interim (it had also been an old nickname with both family and friends, so it was an easier transition), but I knew that I did want to change my name. And eventually, I figured it out. So I changed it - first with some close friends; then with some wider groups of friends; then publicly, and finally legally as well. It did take a bit of getting used to, and I still run into some issues with it (the most amusing being that over the phone, people can mishear Raven as my old last name), but it’s been mostly really good 😊 and just in time for both shows!

More broadly - I’ve had a lot of good time with a lot of good people. Part of that has been communities I’ve been in, like my queer church, or other (online and offline) queer groups; part of that is also just friends. Particularly more recently, I’ve been having a lot of good time one-on-one with people, and I’ve really noticed the positive affect that it’s had on me. Especially as I’m struggling with burnout (which drains me, or leaves me with less energy), having intentional time with individual people (which gives me energy) has been really important.

Moving in to next year (or, as I’m writing, this year), 2023 - I don’t know what to expect. I don’t really plan that far ahead. I’ve got a couple of fun things happening over the next couple of months, like a trip down to Melbourne; but after that, I’m not really sure. But here are a couple of ideas that I would like to happen.

I’d like to do another theatre project. Whether that’s a musical, or a play - I just really enjoy them. They’re a lot of fun, and it would be good to do that again. Hopefully, something where I can play a character that’s queer 👀

I’d like to take Rainbow Religion to more venues. Probably starting off with some other affirming churches, but I’d like it to be broader than that as well. Money is a bit of a limitation with moving broader, though. But I would really like to do that. 🌈

I’d also just like to do more with my music. Ideally offline, and doing in-person performances; but that would probably mean buying a keyboard first. (A bit pricey, but doable.) Even just posting more regularly online would be good, though. And writing more. Maybe something for Fringe? Who knows! 🎹

Though speaking of, I do want to do Fringe again this year. But right now, I don’t know what I’m going to do for it. This time last year, I basically had all of the songs already. I’d written them over the last year and a bit, and just collated them for Fringe. But right now, I don’t really have anything like that. I have a random stand-up show I started writing? So who knows, I could end up doing that randomly 😂 Or maybe I show off bits from the musical I’m writing about queer faith. 

I’d also like to travel. It’s not really something I’ve done much for myself - most of what I’ve done has been for other things I’ve been involved with, or because of stuff that’s happened. But it is something I’d really love to do. I think Uluru or New Zealand are the two that feel most doable to me, in terms of time and money. But we’ll see! ✈️

I also just want to continue spending time with people, and being more intentional about that. Building relationships, deepening and strengthening them, trying not to leave people behind. Something I really struggle with is that I connect with so many people well, and want to give time and energy to so many people, but I don’t have infinite time or energy or attention! So I can forget about people, or need to focus elsewhere, and that can feel shitty on both ends. 🫂

I also just want to do more gaming! ♟️ But that’s also one of the ways I enjoy spending time with people, so it links in to the previous one. 

That is a lot of things 😅 but hopefully, at least some of that can happen this year. While also being healthy, and taking care of myself (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually), because that’s really important too. But yeah 🙂 that’s my look back at last year, and some thoughts and hopes moving into this new year. I hope it’s a good one for you, and I hope it’s a good one for me as well!

Barriers.

I think I talk around this topic a fair bit, but I feel like writing this out. I guess maybe there's a reason I write about it so much....

There are a lot of things that I love to do. And that I'm good at doing. Like music; playing it, writing it, singing, that sort of thing. Speaking, I'm good at doing that - getting up in front of a crowd and presenting, even at basically no notice. Acting; plays, musicals, love 'em. I've done some screen work too, but it's really not the same. Writing - I mean, that's what I'm doing now. It's what I do with music, what I used to do with stories (I really can't remember the last time I wrote a story, it might have been back in uni), what I do sometimes with poetry, what I've tried a couple of times with theatre. I also love things like cooking, and languages, and board games, and hiking, and camping, and puzzles, and reading, and more, but I'm not quite as good at those things; or maybe they're a bit aside from the main point I'm making. Anyway.

Every now and then, I have brief moments where I'll get to do one or more of these things for people. Sometimes that's just sitting down to play a song to somebody; sometimes it's doing a Sydney Fringe show; sometimes that's getting up and doing a dramatic reading of something; sometimes it's doing an audition; sometimes it's people reading something I've written. And people will go, "hey, that's good!" Depending on the person, there might even be some surprise there, like, "where did that come from?" Sometimes it's more like, "we need to see more of this!" Either way, it's.....like, it's nice, of course. It's good to hear that people love it, and think I'm good at these things. But I've known that for a long time. These things are - they're what I was made to do. This is what brings me life, brings me joy. (I mean, not the only things; spending time with other people is a notable other thing that also does it, but I've talked about that in other places.) This is what I want to spend my time and energy on.

But, for multiple reasons, I don't. Or I can't.

Part of that is capitalism. All of these are things that it is very hard to get paid to do. You need to have been doing something for a long time, or know people, and also be very lucky. You need to be able to focus on this one thing with most of what you have. Spoilers, I'm ADHD, that's not happening. My brain just doesn't work that way.

I remember when I was younger, I used to write like crazy. I would be writing songs all the time, it felt like every other day. Some people might know that I've written over 250 songs. At least 200 of those are from just my time in uni and high school. But then; work happened. Most of my time, most of my energy, were out the door. I didn't have space to create with. I had become burnt out by the world; and that's been true to varying degrees for my entire working life, I think. The first year after uni, I wrote one song the whole year. It was about feeling like I was being crushed by the weight of the world, and the weight of work; Atlas.

And in this world, you can't just not work. Not if you want to be a part of the world. You want a roof over your head, you want to have food, to have water, to have electricity, a warm bed, clothes? Then get to work. How dare you think that those are basic rights, that should be free to all people..... If you can't get paid doing what you love, and you can't not get paid, it doesn't leave you with many options.

So yes. I would love to finish the queer faith musical I've been working on. I'd love to get Rainbow Religion out there more. I'd love to write the next show. I'd love to be performing more, be back on stage again, have more people hearing my music. But I'm tired. I'm burnt out. My brain isn't giving me ideas any more, most of the time. And even with what I do have, getting it out there is hard. I have to fight against burnout, I have to fight against being ADHD and autistic, I have to fight against the busyness of life. A lot of the time, I just don't have the energy for that. And so, nothing happens. I wish that wasn't true. But it is.

The other hard part about that, though - is that because I'm not doing these things as much, I'm getting drained even more. I'm losing energy faster. And I feel like the time that I have is wasted. Because I'm spending it doing other things, that feel like they don't really matter that much (read: work), rather than what I love to do and am good at doing. I have to try and not think about it too much, because it gets me feeling very depressed and hopeless and down and shitty and emotional very very quickly. It makes me literally feel like I'm wasting vast chunks of my time, just throwing it into a black hole; and that there's so much of my life that I just haven't lived. (Again, this is mainly me talking about work stuff; time with people is still great and good and helpful.) And yeah. That's hard. And I don't really know what I can do about it. But that's where I'm at. And where I've been at for a while.

Control.

Author's note: I actually wrote this post in early March 2020, but then COVID happened, and it felt like it wasn't the right time. So I put it on the shelf for a bit. And then I forgot about it, and only just found it again. I've edited the pronouns I use for God, but the rest I've left as is. I would probably phrase some of the later paragraphs slightly differently now? This feels a lot - happier and more certain - than I would typically be about things. But thought this was still worth sharing.

I'll also note that this idea isn't mine. I borrowed it from Wm. Paul Young, who talks through it in one of the chapters of his latest book, Lies We Believe About God. As with all his writing, it's challenging and controversial, but I recommend it.
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This is probably going to be slightly controversial - but at the same time, that's about normal for me.

God is in control.

That's what we hear. In songs, from the pulpit, in times of trouble and suffering, we are told, "Don't worry. God is in control."

I want to suggest that this is actually quite false. 

And by that, I don't mean that something or someone else even bigger is in control; nor do I mean that God has no power in the situations that we find ourselves in. Rather, it's a reflection on the nature of control, and the nature of God. So let's look at that, shall we? 

By control, we typically mean that someone, or something, has complete power in a situation - nothing happens without their say so, everything that happens has been okayed by them, they can do anything (within the given constraints). For instance, we might say that our boss has control over us at work, or that a teacher has control over us at school; in a less tangible way, we might say that our wallets or our phones have control over us at times.

It's important to note the difference between power and control. We often assume that the two are identical, or that one implies the other, but that's not always the case. Power is when somebody has the ability to do something in a given situation; however, they may choose to use or not use that power. But if control is not exercised, it is generally seen as being lost.

Now that we've had a look at what control (and power) is, let's look back at God, why they aren't in control, and why that's actually awesome. 

Now, I'm going to assume three things about God. You may disagree with these, but for the purposes of this argument, I'll be using them. 

Firstly, that God is essentially and fundamentally good. That they are, in fact, the origin of good. 

Secondly, that they are all-powerful. In any situation, they have the ability to do all things (barring weird anomalies like making a rock they can't lift); but again, may choose not to exercise this power at their discretion.

Thirdly, that we have been created, in their image, to be in relationship with them; yet they let us choose this freely, rather than making us robots or puppets.

Now, let us think for a moment about what a God that is in complete control would look like. 

They have created the universe, and everything in it, according to their plan. They set the stars and planets in motion, manifest gravity, light, magnetism, time, all in perfect synchronicity. And then....they make people. 

"No! You're not supposed to do that, you were meant to go the other way!" "You idiot! How could you miss that perfectly obvious sign to go and work in Africa?!" "Why do people keep making the wrong choices? I wrote it all down in a book for them!"

Hopefully you get the idea. We can't hold the ideas of a good God, a God who gives us free will, and a God in complete control, all together. We can lose the first, and have a God that is constantly angry and annoyed at their creation (though some might be forgiven for thinking this was true, from some portions of the Old Testament); we can lose the second, and believe that we're actually all robots or puppets (which some Christians do seem to believe); or we can lose the third, which brings us to a different and new understanding of who God is. 

A God who is powerful....without being controlling. 

I think our difficulty comes from the fact that we so often associate control with power. We assume that if someone has total power, then they must also have total control. Because that's what we see on earth, and what we often do. We assume the negative; absolute power corrupts absolutely. 

But if we assume this, then we forget that God is good. Completely, totally, good. Not just sometimes or a little bit, but always and completely. And so they have no desire to be in control. They have complete power; but because they have created us, and want to be in relationship with us, they don't use that over us.

You can't be in a relationship with someone that you have control over. Some would say that you can't be in relationship with someone that you have power over, either; but you can. If you choose not to use that power in that relationship, without the permission of the other person. 

And so, this is what God does. And this is what we saw Jesus doing. He didn't try and remove himself from the chaos and mess of society; on the contrary, he immersed himself in it. He would share food and drink with "sinners". He sat with the lost and the broken. And when others came against him, he didn't strive to be the loudest voice (though he could if he wanted to) - he was gentle, submissive, loving. He did not come to be served, but to serve....

But, you say. What about when I'm in a bad situation? What about when I'm suffering? Can't God help me? If they're not in control, what can they do? 

Never make the mistake of thinking "not in control" means "not powerful". God can help you in your situation, and it's what they love to do. Whatever your situation is, they are with you in it, and able to help you in ways that you cannot fathom or imagine - because they are powerful, and good, and they love you. Not because they are in control. But at the same time, just because they are powerful, doesn't mean they will do exactly what you want them to do. God is many things, but a wish fairy is not one of them. Neither are they Santa. 

They work in all situations, but often not in ways we expect, or even understand, potentially until much later.

But why is this so important? You might ask. Why is this so good? Well, if we have a God who is completely in control; then that means they are responsible for everything that comes our way. Not just the blessings, the joy, the good things - but also the bad as well. If God is in control, then you have to believe that God either lets it all happen, or even caused it to happen themselves. That's rather difficult (or impossible) to reconcile with a God who is good. And so many Christians are left believing that God is either not as good as they thought - or that all the terrible things that they are experiencing are actually, somehow, good things, and they just can't see it yet. 

But that's a load of trash. God is good. And things in life can be bad - sometimes really bad. The fact that God can make something good out of it doesn't make the original thing good; in fact, it can often highlight just how bad it was. The cross is a classic example. It was a horrific Roman torture device, and one of the worst and most painful ways to die. Yet, through the sacrifice of Jesus, it has also come to be known as a symbol of love, new life, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. That's pretty impressive. 

So, to sum up - God isn't in control. But that's actually a great thing. Because it means that they are good, and that they choose to be in relationship with us, despite our mess of choices. And I think that's rather incredible. 

The Oceans Phenomenon

If you were in a contemporary church in the mid-2010s (and possibly even if you were in a different sort of church), you probably heard the song Oceans by Hillsong. Probably many, many times. It spent a record number of weeks at the top of the Christian music charts, and kept that record going until 2019 (where it was broken by Lauren Daigle’s You Say, another song that you may know quite well even if you don’t go to church, with how much it was played on various radio stations). But why was it so popular? Why did it strike a chord with so many people, for so long? Why do I still recognise that song immediately, after strumming the opening chords today?

I mean, part of the answer to this is reach. Hillsong is a megachurch with 80 locations, and about 150,000 members worldwide, 43,000 in Australia. That’s regular attenders, though, so how many are at a church on a given weekend is probably a bit higher. When you have that sort of reach and global brand behind you, not to mention the history of the church (which was founded nearly forty years ago), it gives what you do a bit more weight. And Hillsong does music.

Now, those numbers might seem small to you, compared to numbers for things like the Anglican Church (over a hundred million) or the Catholic Church (over a billion) - but keep in mind, those have been around for much much longer (hundreds of years), and are also much larger denominations comprised of smaller sub-denominations, each with different churches. This is one church, with multiple locations. It could probably count as it’s own denomination? I’m not sure if they would think of themselves as part of a larger denomination or not (beyond Protestant), but yeah, this is a different scale we’re talking about here. And though its power these days may be fading (for various reasons, but notably in part because of the founder’s unethical conduct with a couple of women), ten years ago it was very much still in its prime. And this song is a representation of that. 

Perhaps the larger part of it, though, and what I want to focus on, is what this song is about. Because there’s a lot in here. There are themes of the unknown, failure and trouble, vulnerability and trust, rest and care.

When you've grown up with Christian worship songs, you start to notice some familiar themes. There's the "our God is the best" songs; the "thanks Jesus for dying" songs; and the "God makes us so strong" songs. There are some outliers, of course, but if you look at most of the well-known worship songs in mainstream churches, they generally fit into one or more of these three. (Perhaps with a side-theme of "we're such terrible sinners, but you saved us", typically in that second category.) The feel should either be triumphant and strong, or leave you feeling broken and weak, possibly both. (Again, yes, I am making sweeping generalisations.)

This song did something rather different, though. It didn't really fall into any of those categories that well. It was a song for people that felt scared, tired, broken, unsure, hurt; it left you feeling warm and cared for, amongst the chaos that life so often is. And the imagery that the song used was both powerful and relatable, particularly when you probably knew that story of Peter and Jesus walking on water; you could imagine yourself on that ocean, seeing the waves rising above you, and it felt like all the things that you were facing in life. But the song encouraged you to step out on to the water, to trust, to go deeper, to have faith; to rest in God's embrace. The words used are both exciting and reassuring, scary and affirming. And it was personal - written and sung from the first-person, me, I, this is what I'm going through and this what I'm feeling and this is what I'm going to do.

I think particularly when it feels like many churches can fall too easily into performative faith, and acting like things are okay, and aren't we all so holy and perfect - this song felt like a breath of fresh air to many people. It moved people in deep and powerful ways, connected to them on a level that maybe they didn't even understand. Music can reach people in ways that I think we still only guess at; and this song obviously did that, with how popular it was, and how long it lasted.

Of course, that doesn't mean there's not issues with the song, and there are probably people that would hate to hear it now, because of how much it got played before! Popularity can be a curse. But that's not the point of this post; the point was to look at and try and understand why this song became what it did. Hopefully, we've unlocked a little of that here.

On religious trauma, cycles of shame, and changing the narrative.

This one is probably going to ruffle a few feathers. But hey, I’m not going to start worrying about that now….

Trauma is a big word, and not one that I use lightly. At the same time - I am not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a trauma expert, and I am not in any way qualified to say what is actually trauma proper, as such. I haven't had an expert go, "yes, this is trauma". It's just me using a word for something that has scarred me significantly, in ways that I'm only starting to really understand properly. I'm not trying to detract from the experiences of other people who have trauma, or compare my experience to theirs. That's never helpful anyway.

With those caveats out of the way; let me tell you a story. In many senses, this is a story that I have told many times before, including here on this blog (you can go and search for those if you like, I haven’t taken them down; but I feel like linking to them directly would detract from this story I’m telling now). I've just told it very differently before, and focussed on a rather different aspect of things than what I do now. Before - it was a story about porn, and "addiction". Now - it's a story about trauma, and systems. We have a lot of systems these days that are meant to support us, but tend to end up failing us; this story, perhaps unsurprisingly, is about the church.

I grew up in the church, and in a Christian family; it was basically all I knew. Within the church, there are a lot of expectations - some of these are explicit, like "you should be supporting the church financially." Some are implicit, like "we don't say that queer people aren't welcome here, but you're going to feel rather uncomfortable." And these will be somewhat different from church to church, denomination to denomination.

But one of the expectations that is fairly common to most Christian churches and denominations - whether explicit or implicit - is no sex before marriage. Along with that typically comes the expectations of not looking at porn or fantasising about sex, and often no masturbation (though that may depend on the church/denomination). These are depicted as sinful and wrong, and depending on the church may be preached on regularly, particularly to teenage/young adult congregations, with ideas like "saving yourself for marriage" and "staying pure" and "true love waits" being rampant. The epitome of this is in what is commonly known as "purity culture", most commonly seen in America, but certainly having some influence here in Australia as well. It often includes things like teaching girls to dress more modestly so that boys won't "fall into temptation" and the like. Hopefully, dear reader, we are already seeing why this may be problematic.

Now, imagine you are a teenager in this world. Hormones are starting to rage, you're starting to notice that people are rather attractive in different ways than you noticed before, and parts of your body are.....leaking. There's rather a lot of pent-up sexual energy happening, and in this system, there is no way to healthily release that which is considered okay. (We also have this issue to some degree in the larger world, with the awkward period between when people start to get horny and when they can do something about that [with other people anyway], but we seem to somewhat ignore this? I dunno.) You're supposed to ignore it, suppress it, "pray it away". Maybe try distracting yourself with other things, or use the energy on exercise or something like that. But if that's not working, and you are still a very horny teenager - what do you do?

I started looking at porn. And rather quickly, I fell into a bit of a cycle. Look at porn -> feel shit about myself for looking at porn because I was told it was wrong -> sit in shame and the like for a while -> get horny again -> repeat. I started to look at porn more and more frequently, and at the time, started to see this as an addiction cycle. But it was a shame cycle. One that escalated into self-loathing and self-hatred, because this was clearly a horrible terrible thing that I was doing, and it was my terrible secret, and I was definitely a sick and twisted person for doing these horrible things.

The strange thing about this was, for a good amount of time, nobody knew about this. Nobody else was looking at what I was doing and telling me these things. I was looking at what I was doing, and because of what I felt the system that I was in would say, I was judging myself. I was my own judge, jury, and torturer. And I feel like I really did torture myself for it. I thought that I was the scum of the earth, and made sure that I felt like it. And - perhaps the most important thing - I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. That this was the correct and reasonable response expected of me by the system I was in, and anything less would be wrong. But - I was able to break out of that cycle. And that didn't happen by not looking at porn any more. (Shocking spoiler: I still look at porn.) It happened through connection.

There was a point where I broke the silence. Where I started to tell people, little by little, what had been happening. And as things went on, I started to discover a remarkable thing - that I wasn't the only one who had felt like this, and that I wasn't actually a horrible and terrible person. That people didn't stop caring about me and loving me, even though they knew this dirty secret. So I started to believe that too. That actually, what I've done, or even am still doing, doesn't really change how loved I am, or how worthy I am of love. And that that's true for everyone. Now, that was a cool and good thing to learn, and something that I am grateful for from that time.

Fast forward a bit to now - and this whole saga got a bit reframed, thanks to deconstruction. The traditional Christian world has a bit of a habit of demonising sex and everything to do with it; but stepping outside of that world, it's easier now to see a clearer picture. I did a comprehensive breakdown of talking about sex in various contexts in my post about polyamory and Christianity, so I won't repeat that here; suffice it to say, I don't think that sex outside of marriage is sinful any more. In fact, there are many times when sex inside of marriage can be sinful, where there's a lack of consent, where there is abuse; the focus needs to be on informed and clear consent, rather than on "are these people married?"

In terms of pornography, are there issues with it? Sure. But there are issues with a lot of things. Just because there's porn that objectifies women, or is unethical, doesn't mean that all porn is like that. There are a lot of ways that meat is produced that are now seen as unethical, but for many people, that doesn't mean they stop eating meat. Perhaps they change the sort of meat they eat, and buy ethically; or some may avoid meat entirely, and that's okay too. So yes, there are issues with porn, and it's important to address those or take steps to avoid those; but I'll leave other people to focus on that for now, because that's not the thrust of what I'm talking about here. What about porn addiction, you say? Well.....what about it? Let's look at what we mean when we're talking about addiction. We're talking about a repeated habit, either to do with a substance or an activity, that is compulsive, unhealthy, and if stopped typically causes some level of psychological damage to the individual. Was it something I was doing a lot? Yes. Was it unhealthy - affecting things like school, or work, or my own physical, emotional, psychological, or financial health? Well, it didn't affect school, or uni, or work. And what affected my health wasn't looking at porn - it was the shame, self-loathing, and self-hatred, brought on by the system that I was in. The issue here isn't porn. It's the system.

And because of this system, there's so many things that don't get talked about, and education that doesn't happen, or happens badly (like abstinence-only sex ed talks). It also means that sex work, and sex workers, can be demonised as well, or seen as victims and powerless - and while there are people that fall into the cracks because they feel like they're out of options, or are coerced into it, again, this is not representative of all sex workers. One of the things I've been grateful for as I've moved more outside of conventional Christian spaces is meeting many people that just don't exist in that space; and some of those have been people who do, or have done (in various capacities) sex work. And, surprise surprise, they are lovely and wonderful people, not unlike the other people that I've met in life. And their work is no less valid or important, just because it involves sex.

The traditional church has many issues. But perhaps one of the more pervasive, and that has affected our modern world the most, is the attitude towards sex and sexuality. It's a battle that's been fought for quite some time now, and I don't know if we can really say that anyone has won. But a lot of people have lost. And continue to lose. I wonder how many other teenagers are out there who were in a similar position to me; trapped by the system that they're in, with no healthy way out that they know. Stuck in a vicious cycle of shame, because their world has said that these things aren't okay, that this is wrong, and you should feel bad about this. I hope for a better world. I hope for a healthier world, where we can have open conversations about things, and stuff doesn't have to be scary just because it's different. I hope for a safer world, where people don't have to be afraid to talk about what they've done, or who they are, or what they like.

But it feels like that world is still a long way away. So, for now, we find our little communities. We find our pockets of safety, of peace, where things make sense. We try to speak out against the hurt. We heal those that have been wounded and scarred. We give refuge and sanctuary to those who need it. We try to change the system, where we can. And we live as best we can, in a world that is still rather crazy in so many ways.

There’s probably more that I could try to say; and there are probably things that I haven’t addressed, on both sides of things. But perhaps this is enough for now. 

Turning 30.

Today, I’m turning thirty. Since we use a base ten numbering system, that feels significant to people. It isn’t really, but it feels that way. I thought what might be interesting, though, is looking at a decade ago - 2012, turning twenty, and the difference between then and now. 

I was still writing this blog back then. I went back and checked. I don’t think I’d been doing it for that long, though. It was my last year at university, studying a Bachelor of Music at the Kingswood campus of Western Sydney Uni. I was still living at home, and working at a local Italian restaurant called Luigi’s. Next year I would start up a job leading camps and Duke of Edinburgh expeditions, but I didn’t know I’d gotten the job until December. I’m not sure if I’d even done the interview at this point. I was a regular at the evening church that I’d grown up in at Campbelltown, often on the music team, or sound and tech. From memory, I was also head over heels for someone - but that was true of me most of the time then. (It didn’t work out, dear reader, but in a fun new way. That wasn’t until next year, though. Maybe even early 2014? Not sure, time is wibbly-wobbly.) 

Back then, I was churning out music at the rate of knots. There was a couple of times I’d do songwriting challenges, to test myself, and stretch the brain a bit, so to speak. Maybe I should do that sort of thing again. It’s harder when you don’t have the same amount of time that you used to. I was driving around in an old metallic green Volvo that my grandpa had bought and fixed up - we used to call it the tank. I had so many people that I was connecting to at uni - both through my course, and also through the Christian group there - and I was really having the time of my life. I loved uni so much. But that was all wrapping up, and a new season was starting. A season of work. 

I think since uni finished, there’s been - maybe two? - people from there who I’ve connected with on some regular or repeated level at some point. But honestly, that’s fairly standard of most of the different seasons of life for me. I don’t really stay connected to people that well. I care about them a lot, and miss them when they’re gone - but tend to only look at photos on Facebook they put up, wish people happy birthday now and then, bump into someone once in a blue moon. I’m not good at staying connected to people, or taking initiative with that. It’s something I want to get better at, particularly because I know one-on-one connection is something that I really crave and that energises and rejuvenates me.

But work has probably changed things in a bigger way for me. Before then, my life revolved around learning, in various ways. Work had started to come along, but it was ancillary, a bit on the side. Suddenly, it became the focus, that everything else warped around, that gobbled up most of my time. And it has repeatedly, and routinely, burnt me out. There’s only one job since then which I’ve lasted in for more than two years; and I was only doing that job for one day a week. I haven’t been fired from a job (yet, and very surprisingly with a couple of them), but many jobs I’ve had to leave because of burn out.  And that’s not really something that I’ve ever solved. I’ve never found a job that hasn’t drained in me in one way or another. 

I think the closest I found to that was actually the job that I would end up doing next year - leading camps, and Duke of Ed trips. I was regularly outside and active, interacting with small groups in intentional ways, building relationships and learning new skills, meeting great people and having a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, the flip side to it was that you’re doing camps. You’re doing multi-day trips. So you’re regularly away from home for multiple days and nights in a row, in ways that aren’t consistent. So I wasn’t really able to commit to anything regular, and I had very little time outside of work. Particularly for someone who really enjoys creative projects and such, that was really difficult, and didn’t end up being sustainable.

I don’t know if there’s a happy medium somewhere, maybe there is. You would hope so. 

Thirty is a strange milestone. It feels very adult. Twenty you’re kinda just starting out, just getting into things. But now, you’ve been doing things a while, you should be getting the hang of things, settling into a rhythm, something like that. Of course, life is always a bit more complicated - and being neurodivergent, the standard narrative never fits particularly well. 

I feel like there are some pretty amazing things that I’ve been able to accomplish and do in the time that I’ve had so far, for sure. I’ve written and created a lot, connected to a bunch of people, done talks and plays and musicals and more; had moments of recognition now and then. But it would be easy for me to see the flip side to that as well - there are so many projects left unfinished, so many songs and stories that haven’t been heard or shared with others, so many ideas that haven’t seen the light of day. I’m learning, though, slowly, that we can only do so much with the time that we have. There will always be more we want to fit in life than we are able to. And even if there are times where much of what we do feels wasted, or worthless - perhaps they are bringing value to others. Or perhaps that is a sign to change what you are doing. I’m still learning, and there are many answers I don’t have. 

Over this year, there’s been a lot of up and down. Particularly down. I’ve had many moments and seasons of depression and hopelessness, where I’ve seen little point to living. I am grateful that I am not there now; that I am able to get through the days with a little more energy and focus. Meds probably helps; but people have also been a big help, as is often the case. I have many beautiful and amazing people around me that give me reasons to keep living, and looking forward to another day, to the future. Even in the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself getting better. And I’m grateful for all that the people around me give. I seem to say the same thing year after year, but it continues being true - I am here largely because of the people around me, and the hope, joy, and love they bring. So to each and every one of you, thank you. You have helped me to thirty. You have helped me to here, and now; you have given me life. 

Trans Day Of Remembrance.

Yesterday, the 20th of November, was Trans Day of Remembrance. For those who aren’t familiar with it - it’s a day that is set aside to remember trans people that have died in the past year as a result of transphobia and discrimination. On one website I checked, in the last year 375 trans and gender-diverse people were killed in the last twelve months. That’s more than one each day. In the previous year, it was over 4000 people. 

We might feel like we live in a modern and more accepting world, but unfortunately for many people that’s really not the case. In many countries around the world, there are laws actively making living life as a trans person unsafe, in many different ways. There are still countries where it’s illegal to be trans, or where there aren’t legal options in the country to change your gender. Even in countries that are more “free”, trans people regularly face opposition, fear, hatred, and violence from the systems of the country that we are in, the communities that we interact with, and the people around us.

For many trans people around the world, it is still dangerous to live as themselves. To live openly as trans. I’m grateful that I live in a country and in communities where I don’t have to worry too much. Things can be annoying, and difficult, or expensive, or awkward - but so far they haven’t been dangerous. I know that’s not the case for other trans people here, though, and I’m sure that things like white privilege and being still seen as male (even though I’m non-binary) contribute to that. 

So I am asking you to be kind. Trans people go through a lot of shit in this world, and the less we need to take that from the people around us, the better. You may not get it; you may not understand why; and that’s okay. That’s not the point. The point is that we deserve to live a life that is safe. As ourselves. As we all do. So please - be kind. And stand up for, stand beside, stand with, trans people. Remember those that have been lost. And let us hope that things get better. Because on so many days - too many days - there is just more tragedy, and more grief, and more death. Even now, we are mourning the loss of beautiful souls in Colorado Springs. But we go on. We live. And we remember.

On Projects, Time, Neurodiversity, Capitalism, and Money

A while back, I did a post talking about some projects that I was working on. I thought I might do something similar, because it's something I've been particularly noticing lately.

The main thing I'm pouring a bunch of time into at the moment is a campaign that I'm running using a system called Relics, made by a friend of mine, which has been good fun. TL;DR on the system is each player is an angel disguised as a human in the modern world, and God and heaven are both shut off, and they have to figure out what the heck they're doing. I'm doing a fair bit of writing for it, and I've never run a campaign before, so figuring a lot out! Haven't done much story writing in a long time, so I'm remembering all of that again and the various difficulties or things that came with that. But then there's also improv and such that I need to account for.....I am at best okay at some sorts of improv, but I'm not great 😅 so we'll see how that goes.

The main thing I'd like to be doing is getting my Fringe show, Rainbow Religion, out there again. I was able to do two performances - which is twice as many as I was expecting to do - but it still feels like it could get out to more people. I do have it available to watch online, which is great, but I'd love to see if I can perform it again in more places and such. But that probably means a bit of money investment, or just doing it for some queer churches potentially.

Another project I've thought of is doing an a cappella medley from Bo Burnham's Inside, with all of the songs. My thought was to start off doing one with just the four Bezos songs, as a smaller one to get into it, and then doing the rest. But first I need to figure out exactly how to mash them all together, and then arrange all the different sections for the different voices (probably doing four voices?), and then record it, and hopefully do a video for it too. Which is a lot, and I haven't really even started. Each time I play it in the car, I start singing some of the different parts and hearing how it will sound in my head, and having a good idea of which sections I'd use from each of the songs, but I still need to actually put it together.

Kinda a project, kinda not - got a talk that I'm doing at my church in a couple of weeks, so I've been spending bits of time working on that. It's been a long time since I've done a "sermon" as such (I did a talk about neurodiversity a little while back, but that felt somewhat different to a sermon), and doing it post-deconstruction/reconstruction feels very different. We'll see how that comes together, I think it's mostly done.

I also wrote another song for my musical about queer faith the other day. It's a project that I got the idea from near the end of last year, had a flurry of energy around and doing bits for, then haven't touched for most of this year. But I'm hoping that at some point it will get finished and see the light of day. Thinking about perhaps trying to look into grants or artist-in-residence type things I could apply for to help me with it. I just need a bit more motivation, and really some other people to help me make it happen. Making a musical is a big job.

Then there's a company that I'm going to be helping put a podcast together. Probably can't talk about that too much right now, but it's going to be interesting. I don't really listen to podcasts - I watch a couple - so I feel like I'm probably not going to be able to contribute much in terms of what it should look like. But we'll see how we go!

Then I also have a whole bunch of projects that are just on the backburner now, and have been for various lengths of time. Like the language I was creating, or my old musical, or multiple albums I've written, or board games I was making, and more besides.

Part of that is thanks to neurodiversity, particularly ADHD. It means that my brain wants to do a whole bunch of different things, and also do them all at once, rather than focus on one thing (also because of how it interacts with autism). But it's also because of a lack of time, and energy. Which is because of things like work. Which is because of things like capitalism. Y'know. Needing money to survive and all that, needing to work to survive. Which is shitty. And feels like it shouldn't be the case in an abundant world? But still very much is. And that's hard - knowing that there's so many ideas that my brain has, and so much I could do, and most of it I won't be able to do. Most of that potential won't be filled, because the vast majority of my time and energy has to get poured into survival. And I rather hate that. But I also don't know how to change that, bar miracles happening.

Of course, folks are always welcome to support me financially - I have a Patreon that people can contribute to with small amounts on a regular basis if they feel able to, but most of the folks I know probably aren't. But yeah. Being able to live in the world and actually do what you're good at, and put more of your time and energy into that, would be rather nice.

Reflections on The Boy From Oz.

Image credit: Angela Cascarino

Over the last several months, I've been involved in Campbelltown Theatre Group's production of The Boy From Oz. Yesterday was our final show, so I thought that I'd take some time to reflect a little on the experience. This has been an incredible show, and a gargantuan effort from so many people. We've had an incredible amount of talent, both on stage and off, and it's been reflected in the feedback that we've been receiving, and the number of tickets selling (most of the shows sold out)!

For myself, it's been a joy and a privilege to be a part of; but also a lot of work. Campbelltown isn't as close as it used to be, so making a two-hour round trip a couple of times a week for rehearsals has been rough. And just in terms of energy, and how I've been going emotionally and mentally, the last several months have been pretty all over the place. So I haven't been able to put as much into this show as I would have liked to. It's probably a blessing in disguise that I was mostly chorus.

But being able to be in a show again with so many old friends has been really amazing. Many of the cast and crew are people I've done a number of shows with before, all the way back to ten years ago, my first show with CTG. It's been good being able to see them again, and spend time with them, and just the support from them all has been amazing. They've all been pretty good with name and pronouns, even with me changing name fairly late in the production - and it was really affirming and encouraging for me to have that.

It's also been lovely being part of a show that's just so fun and colourful. For those of you who don't know the show, it's about the life of Peter Allen - an Australian singer/songwriter, pianist, dancer, bisexual, queer guy, and rather fabulous (remind you of anyone?). He's done a couple of songs you might have heard of, like I Still Call Australia Home, and I Go To Rio. And there's a few familiar faces on stage, like Judy Garland, her daughter Liza Minnelli, and even a brief appearance from a young Brian Henderson (played by yours truly). So the show was a lot of fun, and rather fabulous, and the music was great. So many fun dances and costumes, and people looking and sounding amazing.

It's been a while since I've done a musical - the last one was Spamalot, back in 2015, seven years ago now. (Yes, for those who were in it, it was that long ago!) I mostly do plays. But it was good getting back into singing and dancing on stage, and I hope that I have the occasion to do it again. Hopefully next time, a little bit closer to home 😅 Though that also means making new connections at a new theatre. We'll see how we go. First, rest, I think. Rest is good.