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Saturday, 28 September 2013

Drowning In It Part 1: Secrets.

I'm not sure when I'll be putting this up. I know I need to. But it's not something you can un-say - once this horn is blown, you can't un-blow it. It's written in big lights for everyone to see. But, I think it needs to be said, to be heard. For a few reasons.

Not entirely sure where to start with this, or what good will come of it. But here goes.

People have secrets. That's a given. You expect it. Even if you know someone really well, chances are they have secrets that they haven't told you yet. They might never tell you. That's up to them.

And some of these secrets are little things. Things like stuff that happened awhile ago that they'd rather forget; habits they have that aren't particularly nice; their half-brother who no-one knows about who lives in the basement, and eats only green get it. And generally, these little things don't matter that much, and don't affect them or you that much. They might act a bit weird when you ask why they have their basement locked up, which might seem a bit shifty to you, and you might get annoyed that they're keeping things from you - but that's generally about it. And that can be annoying sometimes, particularly if it's frequent, but most of the time isn't a biggie.

Some secrets, though, are a lot bigger. You spend time and energy making sure that no-one finds out about them. At all. Ever. You get ridiculously paranoid about people finding out about it. But paranoia tends to show, so you act. And you act so much, you almost start to get a bit of a split personality.
Depending upon who you are, that split could be quite large, or nearly imperceptible. Like a bit of a Venn diagram, if you like.

Secrets like these don't just affect you; they can affect those around you as well. Sometimes, quite significantly. 

Because, the thing is. Even if you try to keep that bit of you separate to everything else - you can't. It leaks through into everything, permeating your personality, thoughts, actions and feelings. 

And if it's a positive secret - like loving someone - then yes, the effect won't be so bad. But you'll still get all of the guilt and weight from keeping that from everyone, the effort that takes. 

All too often, however, these secrets aren't positive. Some people call them skeletons in the closet. Personally, I don't think that's an adequate metaphor. I see it more like water. Muddy, dirty, stinky water. First you're dripping. Then you're soaking. Then you're swimming. And, before you know it, you're drowning in it. 

At this point, you're probably thinking a couple of different things. Because pretty much everyone has one of these secrets. So, number one, you're thinking that you feel fine. 
If that's you, then there's one of two options; either you haven't gotten in that deep yet, or you're too scared to really look at yourself, and what you're becoming.
If it's the first, fantastic! Run. Run while you still can. Secrets are poisonous. If it's the second - you should be scared. But if you don't look, if you don't do anything, you're going to be even more scared. It will only get harder. 

The second thing you might be thinking is this; who am I to know this sort of thing, talk about this sort of thing?
For those of you who do know me, I come across as a pretty innocent kind of guy. Look like a kid, like I haven't grown up yet. Laugh a lot, super smart, kinda weird sometimes. Couple of not that great physical habits that are a bit disgusting, and not particularly chatty/social. Nice family, Christian background, et cetera. But that's all, right?

No, it's not. Because I've kept a secret. For much too long. Two, actually, but if you look hard enough you can find the other one, if not the specifics. 
It's time for this one to come into the light. 

I'm a porn addict.

And now, please continue over to Part 2. Because this was too much for one post. 

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