What Ifs.

I try to make a point not to think about what ifs. What if it had gone like this, what if this hadn't happened, what if I had done that. Because it doesn't help. That's not what happened, and you can't change that. The only thing that you can change is your future - through what you do, right now. This current and exact moment that you live in. I believe that quite strongly, and I try to follow that in what I do and think.

But it's hard. Particularly because I have a rather vivid and overactive imagination, that loves to fantasise and escape. That wishes this and wonders about that. Considers how life might have changed if I'd talked to that girl, and been a bit brave. Or thinks about what my life might look like if I had just settled for whoever at some point. Because I'll be able to make it work out, right? I think they're all beautiful, so anyone's fine, right?

Of course, strangely enough, that doesn't particularly help. I believe I've talked before about how the more time you spend on something, the more energy you give it, the bigger it gets. That's true for emotions; for ideas; for habits, good and bad.

I think I put rather too much energy in the "what if" of being in a romantic relationship, particularly because God's said that's not where I'm supposed to be at right now. That's not where he wants me focussing, spending my energy. Unfortunately, I've become rather set in those ways. It's hard to get out of a habit that you've had for....ten years. Wow. *sighs* Okay, that hit me a bit.

Ten years ago, by the way, is when I usually say I fell in love for the first time. It's rather a hard thing to measure, funnily enough, but me being me, I've certainly given it a darn good try. There are times before that when things happened - but that's usually when I say I first fell in love. People that have known me for that long, don't try to spend too long on the maths. It won't get you that far. I knew a lot of people back then, even when I was only fourteen. (Fourteen and in year ten. Not too bad.)

The point I mentioned before about time and energy is actually something that also comes from brain science. When you think about something, or do something, that fires up a particular neuron pathway in your brain. The more you think about it, or do it, the easier it is for that pathway to get fired up. Think if it like a road. The more a road is used - more traffic is on it - the bigger they need to make the road. One lane turns into two lanes, three, more, you get a highway eventually. You get the picture. I feel like the song Life Is A Highway is rather apt here. Only the classics!

A lot of my highways, though, are around emotion, and particularly romance. For rather a long time, it's consumed most of my time and energy. I'll either be thinking about who I'm interested in at the moment, or about who I could be (I try to stop my brain from going there too much, or it easily gets rather calculating), or about what I could do when I'm in a relationship (already so many ideas....), up to even planning my wedding (I've had ideas about location, groomsmen, and music for several years).

And, in many senses, that's not particularly surprising. I am a Four, after all. (Click here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.) But it's not particularly healthy, to put it rather mildly. Of course, I'm probably not writing this at the best time. (Though that may depend on how you define 'best' in this instance.) I tend to be at my best in the morning, most alert and functioning and positive, and gradually get moodier, more melancholic and emotional as it goes towards the evening. So maybe I should've written this in the morning. But I don't really do this sort of writing in the morning. That's much more - cerebral. I mean, I'm still thinking a lot now. Brain still goes at a million miles an hour. Just more - muddy, I guess. Less clear. Anyway.

I don't really have an easy answer, strangely enough. You don't get a lot of those. But, I think - slowly - I may actually be getting somewhere. And I think that prayer is the key. Just finished Max Lucado's Before Amen. Certainly recommend, about the power and importance of prayer. So trying to be more intentional about praying a few times each day, thanking God for things regularly, asking God for help more. Having it as my natural reaction to anything happening that I take it to God. I think that's a good habit to make.

Anyway. I think I've written more than enough already. There's probably some interesting things in there for you, whoever you may happen to be, dear reader. And if you do think so, keep an eye out for next time. There's always a next time. Well, always but one.