Numbers I Like And Why

We've had some heavy-hitting posts recently, so here's a lighter and more random one to change the tone a bit.

Very occasionally on this blog, you will see me posting some maths-related content - most notably to do with the square grid problem or the associated (and harder) triangle grid problem. This is because I quite enjoy numbers, and maths puzzles, but they're also not something I think about terribly often.

But, for a fun simple post, I thought why not talk about some of the numbers that I like and why I like them. 

0 and 1 are both pretty simple numbers. I appreciate them more as symbols than anything else, I think - how they're used in binary, on or off, present or not present. So I appreciate them, but they aren't much to write home about for me.

2 is fine. It's a pair, it's a couple, it's our first even number - and also prime, which is cool! We can use it to double things, or halve things, and I'm interested in either of those. Also the only number where x + x = x^2, but you know, that's fairly self-evident. Again, it's not anything too crazy.

3, now, there's a number. Another odd prime, but get in line, 2 beat you to the punch. Also the number of trinity, so there's significance there for me spiritually. But a lot of things come in threes (when you simplify them down a bit), and in some cultures it's quite significant - black, white and grey; man, woman and child; sun, moon, and stars.

4 is great too. Our first square - no, wait, 1 beat us there. Okay, our first even square, then. It's also the number of cycles. Like the cycle of seasons, or the cycle of elements, or many others that are quite natural in our lives, and in nature - I've found that life just tends to work in these cycles.

5 always feels a bit weird. It's not doing anything too crazy, and it feels like it's mostly just a half-way point for 10. But hey, you're putting in good work, five! Also the number of Magic, of course ;)

6 isn't anything too special either. Woo, we multiplied 2 and 3! Good job everyone! Let's move on.

7 is fun, though. It's the first number where people aren't sure what the shape is called - septagon? Heptagon? Yes, they're both right! - and it's the number of people you'll inevitably have coming over for your boardgame night to try and find a game that you can all play (spoilers, I specifically made a game for this that plays with exactly 7 people, but stopped working on it years ago).

8, now, that's a cube! Our first one - 1, SIT DOWN. Will you do this every time? Dammit, 1. Yes, you're all of the powers, yay! Go sit over there again.
Anyway. Yes, 8 is a cube! And....it also sounds like "ate"?.....Okay, it doesn't have much else going for it. Actually! (coming back later) I do rather like 8 as a base, because you can halve it 4 times without getting into decimals. Though I guess if you were base 8, they'd be octimals? Anyway. It also makes 7 like our 9. What's so special about our 9? I'm glad you asked ;)

9 is pretty cool, for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's our first odd non-prime. Also, in base 10 (that's the number system we use) it has the handy feature of having all its multiples have a digit sum of 9. Folks sometimes use this to remember the 9 times tables using their fingers. It also means that you can add or subtract 9 from a number as many times as you like (as long as it doesn't take you below 0) and the digit sum won't change. (The digit sum, by the way, being the number you get when you continuously add all the digits of a number together until you only have a single-digit number left.) So 9 feels a bit magical. I also kinda imagine it like a triangle of triangles? Like the triforce symbol. I tend to have shapes or symbols I associate with these lower numbers.

10 is our first two-digit number, and our first number to use 0 as a placeholder. It's a very blocky number (like 5), and it's often a good frame of reference number to give an idea of how big numbers are, up until we get to three-digit numbers. Dividing and multiplying by 10 is always nice and easy in base-10, and we're pretty happy with it.

I won't continue on with every number, but I thought I should cover each of the first digits, because they're a bit special. But then, of course, my next one is...

11, because it's my birth month! It's also our first palindromic number, and I do love a good palindrome. Also, 11^2 is a palindrome as well. And so are its third and fourth powers! But not its fifth. It stops there, it's had enough fun for now. It's also one of two numbers in English that kinda break the mould, cause it doesn't do the whole -teen thing. Probably because we used to work off a base-12 system in some older cultures (at least for some things), and the names just stuck around.

Speaking of which, 12 is around dozen, so why not. It's our first number that has multiple ways to multiply to it (apart from the obvious of multiplying by 1). It's also a neat system for doing a base off of (which is why some places still use it), since you can halve it a couple of times without it getting into decimals, or third it once without getting into decimals. I do prefer 8, though.

Then 13, the baker's dozen, the unlucky number. I actually quite like 13. It's halfway through the alphabet, it's another odd prime, both of its digits are odd....and I just kinda like it? It's also the gateway number into the teens......

16 is a square of a square, which is fun. But that's about it.

I also quite like 17, but don't have a particularly good reason for doing so. Another odd prime, I guess? And it has the digits 1 and 7, which are both decent numbers that I like. Oh, that's right, I remember now why I liked this number 😅Some mysteries can stay mysteries for the internet, at least.

21 is probably the next number that I rather like. It's 3 times 7 (both numbers I like), and still a bit of a significant number in terms of age these days for some reason? I did like my 21st birthday rather more than my 18th, but I put a bit more effort into the former than the latter, I think.

27 is my birth day, and also a cube - 3^3, which is fun! It doesn't really have too much else going for it, though, I think? But I like it.

42, because it is life, the universe, and everything - or at least, the answer to it. Apparently. Or maybe that was 54? Who knows.

And, yes, 69 - but not just for the usual reason! If you grew up with particular calculators in school, and you liked playing around with them, you may have discovered that the largest factorial (a maths function where you multiply all the positive integers up to and including that number together, represented by an exclamation mark) that the calculator could show was 69! Above that it would just give MATH ERROR. Or is that the usual reason you were thinking of, perhaps?

Those are all the ones that I can think of. There are probably other numbers that I like as well, that I've just forgotten at the moment for one reason or another. But this will do for now. Some of these numbers also remind me of people that I've known, or loved - numbers like 13, or 17, 16, or 21. Some numbers remind me of myself. And some numbers are just interesting as numbers. I hope that you have some numbers you enjoy too :)

Questions.

A few weeks back, I put up this post. As expected, it prompted a bunch of questions. Some I've answered as they've come up, but I thought I'd take the time to answer a few questions that I thought might be helpful here. This isn't meant to start another discussion, just to help people understand a bit more if they're feeling confused.

I don't know what any of these words mean. What do they mean?

That's a fair question. Many of these words feel quite new or alien to some people. It's also tricky because words can often be used in different ways in different contexts, and be used differently by different people. But this is what I understand these words/phrases (which are the ones that I identify as) to mean for me.

Queer - not heterosexual, not cisgender, or both. Cisgender means identifying with the gender that you were assigned at birth. Queer is often used as a more generic and catch-all term to encompass people of many different sexualities and genders, or by people that know they are different from the norm, but haven't quite figured out what that means or looks like yet. It can also be used in contexts outside of sexuality and gender, to talk about looking at something from a perspective outside the normal and standard.

Non-binary - not fitting neatly into the boxes of male or female. Keep in mind I'm talking about gender here, not sex. So we're talking about the psychological and mental aspects of how masculinity/femininity or otherwise are expressed, not what a body looks like or what DNA says. Non-binary is a term used by people that feel like they don't fit well into the boxes of either male or female; perhaps they feel like a bit of both, or maybe neither. Particularly because gender is essentially a social construct, many folks on the autism spectrum overlap here as well.

Omniromantic pansexual - being romantically attracted to all genders, but not equally, while being sexually attracted to all genders with little differentiation for gender.

Polyamorous - being in (or the desire to be in) more than one romantic relationship at once. Distinct from open relationships, where there can be multiple sexual relationships, but only a single romantic relationship.

But what about your promise/commitment?

This seems to be a sticking point for a bunch of people. And understandably so. Marriage is a big commitment, and it's something that I've gone back on. After only a year.

At the same time, though, better now than in five or ten years, particularly if we had started a family together. That would have been much messier and harder. Yes, better still if it was before getting married - but I don't have a time machine. Sorry folks.

So, yes, I could have figured all of this out and then tried to stay within the marriage. Honestly, I don't know how long I would have lasted. It wouldn't have been healthy for me emotionally, or mentally, or relationally. And I already wasn't doing the best. Eventually, there would have been a crack. And I would have needed to leave.

Yes, going back on my promise and commitment isn't good. And I didn't enjoy needing to do it, and didn't want to have to do it. But that was better than my emotional and mental health getting worse and worse, and not being able to live in the truth. 

How does all of this overlap with Christianity?

Surprisingly enough, there's actually quite a large number of people that are both LGBTQIA+ and Christian. In America, there was a study done - and it's about one third of all LGBTQIA+ folks are Christian, and about one half are religious. And there are a number of churches that are LGBTQIA+ affirming, to varying degrees. I've actually believed that myself for a while (with different levels of understanding over time), but haven't really felt comfortable talking about it in most of the circles I've been in. It's not hard to find some articles and the like written by people that have studied the Bible quite a bit more than you or I, talking about just this sort of thing, and how conservative readings of particular passages aren't actually accurate to the context they were written in. Google is your friend!

Isn't all of this a bit....selfish?

I understand if it looks that way from the outside in, but no. Being selfish means only caring about yourself, and not other people. That's not what I've done. I was intentionally thinking about how this would affect my partner at the time, how this would affect the church I was at, my family, and other groups I was connected with.

Self-care is not selfishness. Taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being is not selfishness. I think some people don't understand or get that sometimes. You can't really tell how someone is going from the outside looking in, or what a relationship looks like if you're not the one in it. You can guess. And sometimes that's an educated guess. But there will always be a bunch you don't and can't know, unless people specifically tell you. 

This all seems very sudden....where did this come from?

For people looking from the outside in, it can seem quite sudden. But these are actually issues I've been working through for a long time; just not on the surface. And for much of my life, I haven't had the language or knowledge to talk about much of this.

I've known to some degree about having a different sexuality since around high school. And for a number of years I would be able to describe to you how romantic attraction and sexual attraction worked differently for me.

Gender is something that hasn't been standard for as long as I can remember. I've always been questioning and challenging masculinity, and not conforming to it. Toxic masculinity wasn't a phrase back then, but it was still real. And I wasn't having a bar of it.

But like I said, I didn't have the language or knowledge to dive into any of this for most of my life, and in the circles that I grew up in, it felt like exploring these areas was very much not okay and discouraged. So I didn't.

And then, near the end of last year, this popped back up for me. It had been sleeping and dormant for a while, but it was making itself known. And I had to choose what I wanted to do about it. I could ignore it - or I could explore, and see where the truth led. And I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't pretend this part of me didn't exist any more. So I went on a journey. And this is where that journey has led me so far - quite the rollercoaster. 

Couldn't you be all of this and still be married?

Theoretically, yes. None of how I identify specifically precludes marriage. There are two main reasons that didn't work in this case. 

Firstly, that's not something that my partner at the time was really okay with, and they weren't supportive of my identity - it's difficult (and also emotionally and mentally damaging) to try and live in a relationship with that dynamic.

Secondly, I was in a marriage because that's what I was brought up to believe was the only good and right way to do romantic and sexual relationship. Not because I looked at the different ways to do relationship and was like, "this is right for me." Because it wasn't. And it isn't. In marriage, you're committing to someone for life (or at least, that's the idea). Strangely enough, that's quite the commitment. It's also something I don't have a frame of reference for, or a way to understand. My life has been about change, not staying the same. There's nothing in my life that I've chosen to do for all my life. Yes, I've always breathed, and eaten, and slept, and drank, but you don't have much choice in these things if you want to survive 😅 whereas marriage is a choice. But I don't think it's one that I understood, and I don't think it's one that's right for me. Other people can make it work, and that's awesome. But it's not for me.

How are you going?

Thank you for asking. I'm doing pretty well, considering how crazy life has been. But I wasn't before, and hadn't been for a while. And I wouldn't be doing well if I had decided to ignore this, or had tried to keep living as I was before.

What now?

Great question. Not sure. I'm kinda taking life a day at a time right now. I still have things that I'm working through and figuring out - and life doesn't really stop while you're doing that, so I'm still chugging away at that in the meantime. But basically, I'm going to keep being me. I'm going to keep writing. Keep doing music. Keep talking about things that are important to me. You'll probably hear me talking about LGBTQIA+ stuff a lot more these days, because a bunch of my headspace is focused on that right now. But I'm still me.

That's it for now. I expect that more questions will pop up in the future, and more comment wars will ensue, because of the nature of these things. But please - try to keep showing love, and grace. If you are still confused about things and have questions - confused, that is, not emotional or angry - then get in touch, and I will try to answer them, but I make no guarantees.

The Exclusive Church.

I sometimes wonder what Jesus would say about religion today if he came back. Who would he be spending his time with, and reaching out to? And who would he be speaking out against, and challenging?

In the Bible, back in the first century AD when Jesus was around, this is fairly clear. Jesus reached out to sinners; and challenged the Pharisees. But this is something that is actually quite complex and deep, that I want to dive into a bit here. Because I think it might reveal something about us as a church, and us as Christians.

Let's first look at the people that Jesus challenged. The "villains" of the gospels, that everyone knows to hiss and boo at. The people that would constantly butt heads with Jesus - the Pharisees, sometimes along with the teachers of the law, and the chief priests as well. And the strange thing about these groups is this; that before Jesus came along, these were the people that the Jews were looking up to. They were the spiritual and religious leaders of the community. Not everyone may have agreed with them, or liked them, perhaps, and there were divisions (as there are in any society), certainly - but for the majority of the population, these people were the primary example of what following God faithfully looked like.
Then Jesus came along. And he started to challenge them; saying that they were putting God into a box, changing what his law meant, that they did not truly understand or know God. That they were leading his people astray. Strangely, most of them didn't like that very much - though we do get occasional examples of Pharisees following Jesus, the most famous instance probably being Nicodemus, who had a great conversation with Jesus recorded in John 3 (containing the famous John 3:16 passage); and in Acts and Paul's letters, we see further instances of Pharisees being among the followers of Jesus. But by and large, in the Gospels, this was not the case.

Who did he call, then? Who did Jesus spend his time with? Sinners. And, more specifically - as any Christian can tell you that all have sinned and gone astray and etc - those that were shunned and rejected by society, particularly religious society. Tax collectors, prostitutes, the diseased and sick. These were the people that he was sitting down to eat with, that he was calling as his disciples, that were found amongst his followers. And, in fact, Jesus welcomed all to join him - he wasn't exclusive - but many chose not to. Many decided that it was wrong, or not good; that what he was preaching was false, heretical, blaspheming. They hung him on a cross. He loved them anyway. He loved them all.

I wonder if Christians today can say the same. Can we say that we love all people? Can we say that we welcome all people into our churches, our communities? And is that what our actions demonstrate - or do our actions demonstrate something else? How do we treat people that have divorced, or remarried? Had an abortion? Single? Married with no kids, and no plans to have any? Transgender? In a same-sex marriage? Homeless? Different cultural backgrounds? And there are many others I could try and list here that the church has often grated against; sometimes because of beliefs people have had, but sometimes simply because of people being different. And the all-too-human fear we have of those that are different.

But God calls us to love. God calls us to extend grace. He does not call us to judge - he makes it very clear that he and he alone is the judge, not us. All too often, we misunderstand God's heart and words and meaning. If the Pharisees were doing so with the Old Testament in Jesus' time - why do we think we are doing so much better with the New Testament in our time? Have we not imposed our own laws and rules and ways of living, just as the Pharisees did in their time? Have we not come up with our own measures of holiness, and of right living, just as they did? We are not so different. And so God calls us to change. He calls us to love. To love those that we have so often excluded, and fought with, and maligned, and turned away from God. To ask for forgiveness, from God and from them.

We might not know what that looks like. How to do that. So let us start as Jesus did - with an invitation. An invitation to love, to fellowship, to family. To communion, to freedom, and laughter, and joy. Let us no longer be exclusive. Let us no longer worry about what this person will think, or that person will think. Let us worry about who knows the love of God, and is in relationship with him. And let us not assume that just because they are not in our "hallowed halls" that God has not already been making himself known to those that we have turned away; for he works in all places, and excels in reaching the outcast and the broken.

In Summation.

TL;DR - My wife and I have separated, I’ve moved out, I’m queer.

At the beginning of last year, I married a woman called Thalia. We had been engaged for about a year, and dating for several months beforehand.

During November last year, while doing some soul-searching, I realised that I was non-binary, queer, pansexual(ish), and polyamorous. In many senses, I had known this for a long time; but had never put words to it, because I felt that it wasn’t okay to look into or talk about in the religious circles I was in. But that didn’t line up with what I believed.

As I was working through this rediscovery of my gender and sexuality, I was also diving into my religious beliefs around these issues, as well as around relationships, marriage, divorce, and sex. Where I ended up was in some senses not far from where I was before - but quite different to how I’d been living on the surface. I particularly realised that one of the reasons I’d been pursuing marriage was that I had grown up with the belief that heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only right and true way to do romantic and sexual relationship before God - and these (that is, romantic and sexual relationship) were things that I wanted to do. And so that is what I pursued.

But that was no longer now what I believed. Neither heterosexual, nor monogamous, nor marriage, is required to make a romantic or sexual relationship right or good or true. Neither does one need to engage in either romantic or sexual relationship to be these things. And I knew within myself that the way I was wired did not fit well to any of these things.

Thus started a very difficult rollercoaster of several months; as I talked through this bit by bit in conversations with Thalia, as well as with some other close friends and support groups, and eventually family. I wrapped up my position leading music in the church I was at, as I felt it wasn’t fair to remain in that position when I was now clearly heading down a path that was radically different from the core beliefs of that congregation. I started going to an affirming church, and found multiple places and people to support me in my journey.

I knew through all of this that this journey would be difficult for many people close to me; particularly my parents, and especially Thalia. I was not wrong. They each struggled immensely working through all of this, particularly as they did not share my theology or beliefs; and so perceived the path that I was heading down (whether in terms of separation, or sexuality, or both) as sinful and wrong. They still loved me, and were patient with me, and I endeavoured to be the same, while taking care of my own emotional and mental health through this process.

I also knew that a key part of this journey would inevitably mean separating from Thalia. I knew that this would be painful for both of us, but particularly for her. But I also knew that I could not live a life that I no longer believed was true - and I could not live a life that was slowly killing me. I tried to give her as much time and space as she needed to process things, and work through it all in her own time, to try and make it less difficult.

In time, she came to the point of saying I could look for a place, though she still wanted us to stay together. I found a place, and moved out near the beginning of this month. I'm currently out in the vicinity of Penrith. We’re still in the chaos and mess of figuring out what everything is going to look like, and I’m still not sure on how many things are going to work out, or all of what I want to do when things do quiet down somewhat.

But I know that I need some space and time of my own to process. Some time away from romantic and sexual relationship, to recenter myself, and discover what this new idea of my identity looks like for me. What it means for how I look, dress, talk, present myself, what pronouns I use, how I interact with other people. How I want to do relationships. Some of these things I have vague ideas about - but I really haven't had the freedom or the time or space to explore them. 

So that's what this next season is about. I don't know how long that will take, or exactly what that will look like. But I know it's important. And I'm looking forward to a period of rest, as well. I need it.

I also want to emphasise, before finishing. This post is not about pointing blame at anyone, or trying to say that this or that is wrong. I'm just trying to communicate where I'm at, and what's occurred - partly so I can be more open and authentic in how I live and communicate with others, but also so I'm not answering the same questions dozens of times over. I do not harbour ill will or resentment towards Thalia or people that are supporting her; she needs support more than I do at this time.

That's it for now. Chances are this will just generate more questions from people; and chances are, at the moment, many of them I won't be answering. I don't expect understanding from everyone, or even from many; I can only endeavour to live truly and authentically to what I know as best I can. I believe I have done that, and will continue to do so. I've lived enough of my life as someone else.

The System Is Broken.

These were the words of Brittany Higgins today in Canberra, as I write this, as part of the marches happening across Australia speaking out against gendered violence, sexism, sexual harassment, and similar crimes against women. "The system is broken."

These are words that I resonate with deeply. I feel like we have many, many broken systems across our societies, in many different levels; but they don't change, because they work for the people who have the power. And because in the past, there haven't been enough voices, or enough noise, for things to change.

But now, we're in a time of transition. Suddenly, many more voices are rising up. Suddenly, much more noise is happening. And people are realising that the Titanic they've built so carefully, over so long, is heading for the iceberg. Some people are jumping off, some people are trying to see if they can shift the boat in time to save it - but change is happening. On many issues, across society. And we've had some great wins over the past years, and there's been some great progress - but there's also still so many more miles to travel, as we can see from the protests happening today.

For myself, it's also a reflection on some of the systems within the church that I've grown up in. Historically, though the Bible calls the church to be the most inclusive place, where all are welcome and loved - the church has not been this. Instead, it has been a purveyor of racism, sexism, war, and hate - against God's children. Against people that we are supposed to be calling brothers and sisters and family. There are so many people that we have not welcomed, and have not shown God's love to - showing only God's judgement, when God clearly says in the Bible that it is only God's role to judge.

Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’ Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’ And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’ Matthew 25:41-45 NLT

I wonder how many in the church will be among those that Jesus is talking about in this passage. Who refused to help his brothers and sisters; his family. Or who believed they were "helping", but were actually hurting.

When I look and see so many that have come forward to talk about being sexually assaulted as children by priests and leaders in the church, I say the system is broken.

When I look and see people cast out from families and communities because they came out as gay or lesbian, I say the system is broken.

When I look and see a system that ascribes value to women because of their virginity, I say the system is broken.

When I look and see a church that can't handle asexuality or aromanticism, or couples deciding not to have kids, I say the system is broken.

When I look and see that there are still debates about women leading in church, I say the system is broken.

When I look and see trans men not recognised as men, trans women not recognised as women, and non-binary and intersex people treated as though they almost don't exist; I say the system is broken.

And in many of these cases, the church feels backed up by the Bible. The church retorts that it should not change, because God is unchanging, and the truth is unchanging, and they will not be swayed by the ways of the world. And yet, Jesus was continuously among people. With them, helping them, healing them, eating with them, regardless of what society said was right or wrong about it. Yes, he would retreat by himself at times - but always, he would come back from it to be among people. He would even delay time by himself to minister to people, to help the hurting. We are called to be among the world, not removed from it. The church looks at the Bible and says, we are meant to be different! But that was written to the Christians of thousands of years ago, when being kind to other people was a radical idea. When leaving babies out to die was the norm. When women were treated as objects. The "different" we were called to be was about being loving, and kind, and caring; not about being an ivory tower amongst the sinful world. 

And in the thousands of years since, Christianity has changed the world. Through education, and healthcare, and caring for the homeless and the orphans and the widows and the foreigners. (It's not only Christianity that's done this, but Christians were often among the first to get the ball rolling.) And this has now become - the normal. The expected. Many of these things are now enshrined in laws in countries around the world, or even as international law. We have come to recognise the value and intrinsic worth that each person has. And so this call in the Bible to be "different" - it doesn't have the same meaning that it did two thousand years ago. There are still times when it can be relevant, and we are still called to be loving and caring - but we need to stop believing that we are supposed to be somehow a time capsule of the ideas and beliefs written down two thousand (or more) years ago. Christianity is a living faith, as our God is a living God. Even as you read the New Testament, you see beliefs and ideas changing - like about circumcision, or what food to eat, or who could be a Christian. These were fundamental ideas that had been central to their faith for thousands of years - and they changed. Because Jesus changed where the focus now lied. It wasn't about laws and rules any more; Jesus was the completion and fulfilment of that law. Instead, it was about people. It was about relationship, and about love.

So let's get back to loving people. As they are. As they were made. Because God doesn't make mistakes.
The system is broken. But we can do better.

Busting Common Autism Myths #2

If you didn't see the first one, you can read it here.

There are plenty of common myths and misunderstandings about autism that are circling around, so let's bust a few more! Reminder that I am #ActuallyAutistic too.

Myth #4 - Everyone Is On The Autism Spectrum
This is a somewhat common misunderstanding of the phrase "autism spectrum". What you may have heard people say before is something along the lines of, "We're all on the spectrum somewhere, right?" Or, "Everyone's a little bit autistic!"

But no. These people might be meaning well, and trying to be empathetic by relating to someone who is autistic, and bridging the gap between them - demonstrating shared experiences, etc. But this misunderstanding misses two crucial truths about autism.

Firstly, the phrase "autism spectrum" isn't talking about a sliding scale from 'Not Very Autistic' to 'Very Autistic'. Rather, it's talking about how people with autism present in a wide variety of ways, but they are all autistic - there is a spectrum of differences within autism, but they are all still autism. This article does a really great job of explaining this point.

Secondly, it dismisses the actual difference in how the brain works between autistic and non-autistic people. This comes back to the idea of neurodiversity - if you're autistic, your brain is measurably different in a scientific way to non-autistic people. So if someone tries to say that "everyone's autistic" - they're denying this fundamental point of difference, and saying that it doesn't matter (whether they're doing it deliberately or not). It's like saying to someone with depression that we all get a bit sad, or to someone with chronic fatigue that we all find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. There's a fundamental difference, and you're delegitimising these things by acting in this way.

Myth #5 - Autism Can Be Cured
Yeah, I'm going there. This one is incredibly controversial (and understandably so).

Let's start with the word "cure". If something can be "cured", then it's a disease, or something similar (or a meat, but that's a different definition!). Obviously, most autistic folks take issue with autism being called a disease. Even the current terminology - a "disorder" - isn't great. It's talking about something being inherently wrong, or bad, or negative in some way. And while many autistic people do face challenges that neurotypical folks don't - neurotypical folks also have challenges that we don't. We just happen to live in a world that's been (mostly) built for neurotypical people, so that tips the scales rather a bit against us, and so our challenges are a bit more obvious.

But, getting into the actual question itself - could autism be somehow "fixed", could someone that was autistic be made non-autistic? It's doubtful. Autism is an extremely complex neurological condition that we're still exploring and understanding - trying to make someone "not autistic" would probably mean fiddling around in people's brains, not just with genes; both of which are challenging and have their own issues.

And even if we could - would we want to? I can't speak for all autistic folks, but I know for me, I wouldn't. I think I know many others that are similar. Would we like more help to deal with the challenges that we face, or to see those challenges go away? Heck yes. But autism is more than just the challenges that we face - it's also many of the strengths that we have. It's an intrinsic part of who we are, our identity as people. Any idea of "curing" it or changing it is.....problematic, at best.

Myth #6 - Autistic People Are All Computer Nerds
This one is probably thanks in large part to pop culture and mainstream media.

Yes, many computer nerds are quite possibly autistic. You have the classic aspects of finding it easier to connect with people online because of reduced need to interpret social cues, and the ease of finding similar interest groups. Many people on the spectrum have found comfortable places online, and find those interactions easier than in-person interactions. But that's also not all autistic people - and again, why we call it a spectrum.

You can also find many autistic people in acting. After all, they mask all day - this is just them being paid to do the same thing! Easy. There are also many autistic folks in art, writing, music, and other creative fields - we often have a unique view of things that's a bit off-kilter to how most people see the world, and that helps quite a bit with creativity. I know autistic people that are teachers, on radio, running their own business, and in a dozen other different sorts of jobs or passions. You'll find us in most places - yes, in some more than others, but we're more widespread than you might expect. We're not just science/maths/computer nerds (not to say anything against those sorts of people, you're awesome! Just reiterating that that's not all autistic folks are).

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That's another three done and dusted. Keen to hear your thoughts on these so far, and any more autism myths you'd like to see busted. I think that's all I have for right now, but always happy to do more! :)

Busting Common Autism Myths #1

I thought that I might tackle some common myths about autism that seem to still be perpetuated about the place. I'm marking this number one, because I think we might see a few more of these in the future. To note - for those that aren't aware, I am #ActuallyAutistic.

Myth #1 - You Grow Out Of Autism
This one has been prevalent for a good while, even among psychologists. The idea is that you have autism when you're young, but you can grow out of it when you're older. (This also births a similar myth, that only kids have autism, not adults.)

Where this comes from is that most of the diagnostic criteria around autism is defining it by deficiency. Defining it by inability to be "normal" (whatever that is). The diagnostic criteria that we currently have struggles to define someone as autistic if they're doing well and prospering. A frequent pattern we see is that as people get older, less "classically autistic" traits are displayed, and so people are said to have grown out of autism. But instead, what is actually happening could be a number of things. Sometimes, the autistic person has grown skilled at masking (looking "normal" on the outside), and so the autistic traits are hidden; sometimes, the autistic person is thriving and doing well, and so less of these "problem" traits are being displayed. But neither of these mean that a person ceases being autistic.

Autism - and other conditions - are now being grouped together as something called "neurodiversity". The term exists for two main reasons, though there's plenty more that could be said. Firstly, to celebrate the positive nature of these differences, rather than to focus on the negative - diversity is something to be encouraged and sought after. Secondly, to help people understand that this is a functional difference in the way that the brain works, from birth. It is something that people are born with, not something that you can gain - or lose.

Myth #2 - Only Guys Have Autism
You've probably heard this one before, or that it's just much more prevalent among guys than girls.

And this is another thing with masking, because girls are often better at it earlier on, and so autism has been less evident historically in women than it has been in men. But that doesn't mean that it's less present in women - just that it's less obvious. There's now much more research around how autism (typically) presents in women, and I found the book Aspergirls really helpful in this. (Though, spoiler alert - autism looks different in everyone, so you get some girls that present more how it typically looks like in guys, and vice versa. Folks on the spectrum are also frequently gender diverse, which makes this more complex, but all good.) So yeah, it's definitely not just a guy thing. We're just good at being blind sometimes.

This myth makes a whole section of autistic people disappear; suddenly, autistic women don't exist, because women can't have autism. Which is - not okay.

Myth #3 - Autistic People Are Emotionless Robots
Slight amount of sarcasm there, but only slight - you still get people who pretty much believe exactly this.

This misconception comes down to a difference between feeling and expressing emotion. People on the spectrum are characteristically not great at being able to express emotion - which means it may not always show well in their body language or facial expressions, and they may not be able to describe well how they feel. But that doesn't affect their ability to feel emotion at all. In fact, I know many people on the spectrum who are extremely sensitive to other people, and feel emotions quite deeply (including myself).

Furthermore, this myth dehumanises us. It treats us as being less, because of the idea that we "don't have emotions" somehow. It paints us as strange and other - at best the weird friend that you can't really connect to, at worst the psychopathic killer.

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More myths will be busted soon, but there's three to start us off with! I've got at least another three ready to go, I think, but let me know if there's particular ones you'd like to see me tackle.

The Gender Of God

I keep being surprised by the number of people I meet that seem to think that God is male. Perhaps I shouldn't be, though - most of the language we use for God is, and the most common language (in the New Testament, at least) is either male or not obviously gendered (though we probably wouldn't use the word Lord for a female). Even if we just look at the members of the Trinity - we have God the Father, and God the Son (both very much male terms!), and then God the Holy Spirit; which isn't obviously gendered, but people seem to just assume it follows the trend of the other two. But I think we'll find if we dig even a little, we'll discover that this idea (of God being male) is not only incorrect - but that it severely limits the character of God.

One of the biggest signs for me that there's more to this comes right at the beginning of the Bible. Actually, there are a couple right there, but let's start with this one:

Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground. So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:26-27, NLT)

Humans are created in God's image, to be like God. And in the very same line, the same sentence - we are created as male and female. This would suggest that both male and female reflect parts of the image of God. Not just one, or the other - but both. Neither communicates the whole image of God - and, I would even say that both together cannot either, because God is so much greater than anything we can be. In many respects, then, we could say that God is beyond being called by any gender or sex - because God is not human. Jesus is, and we can say that Jesus, when they are human, is a human male. But for God as a whole - or the other members of the Trinity - it's not necessarily helpful to talk about their gender, though we tend to do so as a matter of course.

Indeed, throughout the Bible, we see God using various titles and ways to refer to themselves that could be seen as male, or as female, or not specifically gendered at all. And interestingly, the Hebrew word for "spirit" that is used in the Old Testament is ruach, which is gendered feminine (in Hebrew language, many words are inherently gendered). This same ruach is the first member of the Trinity we are introduced to, in Genesis 1:2;

The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

From the very beginning of the Bible, we are shown that God is not just male - or just female. Both male and female are found within God, and God is greater than both. Masculinity and femininity both find their origin within God; and these are not narrow or negative ideas of masculinity and femininity that we seem to see in some places today, but broad and positive. You see women in the Bible that are warriors, and men that are poets. Neither are considered to be "less of a woman" or "less of a man" for those roles.

Believing that God is male - or female - paves the way for sexism (others are literally not in the image of God, as you are), as well as a limiting of who God can be. If you believe that God can be only male - you are restricting how God can interact with you. God can never be like a caring mother that birthed you and nurses you. If you believe that God can be only female - again, you are restricting how God can interact with you. God cannot be a protective father, or the loving bridegroom, pursuing you relentlessly.

As I've already noted, however, God is beyond gender. And we certainly can't say that God has a sex, because God doesn't have a body - Jesus had a body, and we can say that that body's sex was male. But trying to define God by our own terms (as usual) always falls short. Trying to define God by this gender, or that gender, is unhelpful. God is not defined by our culture - God simply exists, and did so well before we were around. The metaphors in the Bible that are gendered are only meant to illustrate parts of God's character, and nature - not define their gender. God is more than male, and more than female - God is beyond gender.

The 2020 Vision of Hindsight....

Well. This has been a year, hasn't it? I don't think I've had a year before with so much in it, for so many different reasons. So settle in for a bit - this is probably going to be a lengthy post.

The start of this year saw me preparing for a wedding, and preparing to enter into a marriage relationship with my wife, Thalia. As is fairly typical of a wedding, it tended to consume a fair chunk of our time, and plenty of things were needing to be done last minute, or sudden hurdles jumping up at us (like dogs eating all of the butterflies that were supposed to go on our cake - literally all of them!). But it ended up going well. It's hard to remember much of that day, or much of what happened leading up to it - there was just so much happening. I had good fun not telling my wife what I was going to be wearing to the wedding, though! XD I said that because I couldn't see what she was wearing, she couldn't see what I was either ;) (we had four colours for our wedding - purple, pink, green, and blue, which meant that I was wearing all of them!)

After that, we had our honeymoon down in Tasmania. And we had so much fun, and really enjoyed ourselves. It's such a beautiful place, and we look forward to heading back down there at some point (maybe to stay, who knows?). Then we started to get set up in our new place - which Thalia had already been living in for a few weeks, but it was a bit different both living under the one roof, and finding room for all of our things in this little space that was now ours. We learned quite a bit about marriage in those first weeks, and living together - there are plenty of things that you can't really be prepared for, or know how you'll react to until you're in the middle of it. You can try, of course, and I'm not saying you shouldn't take time to prepare for things, and take the time to make sure that this is what you are wanting for your relationship (because that is super important - marriage isn't for everybody, and neither is living together, and that's totally okay) - but there's always going to be an element of uncertainty there that you can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try. I think it's the same with anything new. And particularly with many Christian marriages, there's quite a bit that's new and different all at once - moving in together, sex, suddenly being around each other 24/7 rather than just in spare time, figuring out what's different in a marriage relationship compared to a dating/engaged relationship - so that can be stressful.

So, in some respects, Covid came as a blessing in disguise when it hit. It meant that we had a bunch more time together than most new couples to work through all of this. But it was still scary when it happened.

In school, you learn about big events in history, like world wars, or the great depression, or....pandemics. But you don't expect to be a part of them. And yet, here we were. Everything was shutting down, everything was going crazy - but we were doing okay, in comparison to many. My work hours didn't change; I was mostly working from home anyway, so I just changed to only working from home (which was weird, and had its own issues, but it was okay) - and my wife was working at a before-and-after school care facility, which was still operating because the school had many parents that were essential workers. So we didn't have any issues financially - which was more than many people could say. Emotionally and mentally were different stories, of course, and we both struggled in our own ways. As I've mentioned before on here, I tend to get much of my energy from interactions with people. I was having plenty of interaction with my wife, of course - but she has a wealth of health issues, which often means that she doesn't have as much energy for interaction as she'd like. And I would use a good portion of my own energy helping her with those health issues - or because she was drained, I'd feel drained. And that's not her fault, or something she could do anything about; that was just how things were. But not being able to go out and interact with other people, and get energy from them, was challenging.

I think that's why, in the latter half of the year, I prioritised so much moving into a job that would mean I was interacting with people. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to find something - so many people were trying to find work, and not getting anywhere - but I applied for two positions, and got both of them. I can't really tell you how, I'm not sure how it worked out either. But it did. One I didn't end up liking, and so I finished up with it pretty quickly - but the other one I'm still doing now, working at a museum in Sydney. It's a really old building, and a great team I'm working with, and I get to have fun with kids for much of my working days. So I'm really enjoying it.

For my other work at church this year, I had to learn a bit of a new skillset - we did church online via Zoom, and that meant figuring out how to do music online through that. We tried doing it live at first, but the audio quality was always pretty atrocious. So we quickly moved to pre-recording - and, because of Covid, each person in the band did the recording at their house, and I put the videos together. I've been using DaVinci Resolve to do it this year, which has worked fairly well, and I've enjoyed fiddling with it - for a free software, it's pretty great, but it does have its bugs. It was fun to play with, though, and it let me do some bits and pieces that you can't really do with a live performance. As some restrictions lifted, we moved to recording as a group in the church, even using multiple camera angles - which looked pretty good, if I may say so. Youth group online was interesting as well, but it went pretty swimmingly - and we had good numbers through the whole stint of doing things online. We've gone back to in-person services over the last month and a bit, and it's been going well so far - the situation is under control enough in Australia that that's been doable, and it's been nice seeing people again.

Over this year, having a lot more time to myself, it's also helped me to explore myself quite a bit more. I've embraced my autism and neurodivergence a lot more - I think working as part of a company that helped to employ people on the spectrum helped with that quite a bit, and I'm grateful for that. I'm finding more and more people that I connect to - content creators and the like - that are on the spectrum and speaking about issues relevant to autistics or ND (neurodivergent) folks, and that's been awesome. There's more I've been exploring as well, that's connected in many ways - but that will need to wait for a bit before I talk about it publicly. Some things need a bit of processing time.

This year I started seeing a psychologist again, and then a counsellor. And that's been really helpful. It's hard to define the negative impacts that this year has had, because there have been so many things happening at once. It's difficult to isolate the issue, when nothing is isolated. That's the complexity of psychology, I suppose.

I was also part of an amazing production of Death Of A Salesman with Campbelltown Theatre Group, which went fantastically - sold out performances! It was fantastic being part of great theatre once again, and I really enjoyed working with many old friends. And I'm looking forward to hopefully doing so again in the new year.

....which brings us to tomorrow, and 2021. The new year. In some ways, it's hard to know what to expect. This year has thrown so many curveballs, it feels unwise to set too much in concrete. But I'm grateful to still have the work that I have - and to have work that I enjoy doing, for this season at least. I'm grateful to be able to spend time with people I enjoy being around, and to look forward to more of that. I'm looking forward to exploring myself more, and better defining what that means and looks like for me. I'm looking forward to more time with my wife, and supporting her in the work and studies that she's pursuing. I'm looking forward to supporting a couple of young guys at my church, who I've known since they were in year 8, as they come to finish high school next year and themselves look forward to the next chapter of life. But as with most years, there's plenty of uncertainty, and things I don't know. For the most part, though, I'm looking into this next year with positivity.

A couple of last things before I wrap this up. Firstly; most people do fireworks and staying up until midnight as their New Years thing. I'm not much of a fireworks person, though - so instead, I watch the first sunrise of the new year with my wife. It's a tradition I've borrowed from a good friend of mine, that I very much treasure. Perhaps something for you to consider as well?

And secondly - the new year is always tinged with sadness for me, because four years ago, on January the 2nd, my cousin died. He wasn't much older than me. He died in a car crash, and as far as we know, not for anything that he was doing wrong (not speeding, drinking, anything like that). It served as a startling reminder to me that life is extremely fragile, and precious. You never really know which day will be your last, or what the next day will bring. So I don't tend to plan for years in the future - because I don't know if those years will ever come. I don't know if next week will even come. But each day, I try to look back and ask myself - "If I died today; what is one thing I did today, that I would be grateful that I had done?" Most days, I can think of something. But most days, I know there's also plenty that I leave until the next day - or I'm not as other-focussed as I could be, or using the precious time I have as well as I could. But I can't change what I did yesterday, or what has gone before. All I can change is what I do now, and into the future. It's a hard thing to balance - but I hope that this coming year, I can be better at doing that. How about you?

On the Pervasiveness of Beauty

I can't remember if this is something that I've talked about on the blog before - but one of the gifts that I have is that I can see the beauty in everyone. And that means a few different things, that I thought were worth talking out.

Part of that is physical, and something I can see straight away as soon as I meet someone. It doesn't matter who they are, what they look like - old or young, male, female, anything else, every person is beautiful to me. Part of it is deeper, though, in seeing the beauty that is part of who people are. And that's not something I can see straight away, but it doesn't take me too long.

I find that it means I tend to see people in a very positive light - it takes quite a bit for me to view someone negatively, unless they've done something terrible. And even then, it doesn't stop me from seeing the beauty in them. Much of seeing the beauty in people does come from seeing them in-person, though - so interacting online and the like doesn't do it as much.

I've also learned that it means I connect with people quicker than most, and on a deeper level than most. I'm very quick to trust people, and quick to share with people. When you see good in pretty much everyone, you develop relationships quickly. And that can be a good thing, and a bad thing. On the good side - I can connect to people I've never met before like I've known them for a fair while, and make them feel comfortable. On the not-so-great side, it means that I often think I have a deeper connection with people than they think they do with me. And it's meant that I can fall for people annoyingly quickly, too - which isn't helpful for me, or for others either.

Being able to see the beauty in people can be a challenging thing at times, but it is something I'm grateful for. This world needs a bit more beauty in it right now - and that's something that I can help people to see. And there's plenty of beauty in other places as well, that I see - in nature, in the world around us, in music, and art, and writing, and words, and the things we create. Everywhere I go, I see beauty.

Part of that, I think, is connected to how I see God. I believe that God is a beautiful God; there are a couple of verses in the Bible that speak to that (Psalm 27:4, Isaiah 33:17), but chiefly, I believe that through my belief that every good thing comes from God. I believe that beauty is a good thing; therefore, it comes from God. Our God is a beautiful God. And so, God has instilled beauty into creation - and especially, into us, who are made in God's image. We are beautiful; because we are made in the image of a beautiful God. At least, that's what I believe. And that's what I see, when I look around this world. Perhaps I can help you to see a little of that beauty too.