The Search and Desire for Intimacy.

So, this isn't something I'd typically post on. And keep close to my chest. But, I'm attempting to be more open, and get more of myself out there. Of course, then you can just go too far with that, so hopefully this won't be a case of the latter. Anyway. Rambling.

This post relates a bit into two recent posts I've done; one on core beliefs, and another on the Enneagram, and me as a 4. The primary important bit from the former is the core belief that I've identified in myself that "I am unloved, unwanted and uncared for. People think I am repulsive and don't want to talk to me, and definitely wouldn't touch me." (NB: Negative core belief, that I'm trying to get rid of. Read the full post to get more context.) From the latter, the important bit is actually something I didn't put in there so much. And that is that they have a great desire for intimacy; to be intimate with someone, and even just to be close to people in general. To have very close friendships and such.
And then these both relate in to a series that we've recently been doing in my Life Group (read: Bible study group) on the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't heard of them, essentially, there are 5 love languages, and everyone has different ways in which they primarily give, and primarily like to receive love. (Often the same, but not necessarily.) My top is Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch close behind.

I have a desire for intimacy; and that runs through all three of those points. As a 4, it's part of who I am; Physical Touch is the greatest form of intimacy, and Quality Time can be very intimate as well (and slightly less weird for some people); and the part of my core belief that says that people "definitely wouldn't touch me" relates directly back to that as well - I mean, that line starts off with the words "I am unloved." That's essentially saying that when nobody touches me, I feel unloved. Which is true for me, and that's only something I've begun to more consciously realise.
For example. I can't usually remember my dreams too well. There's only a couple that I can still remember. But one that always stands out, that I always remember, is just me and someone else hugging. I don't even know who they are; it's not a visual thing. I just feel it. A lot of the time, I feel like I could just hug someone and stay there. Just like that. Of course, that tends to make people feel uncomfortable. So it stays in my head. And I worry about people being uncomfortable a fair bit, so I often won't initiate a hug, even though most of the time (read: all of the time) I feel like one.

But that desire for intimacy has led to a search for that, in many different ways. And the problem is, when you go searching for intimacy, you find it. But not in a healthy way. And not in the way that you ever wanted it. Even when that search has been for intimacy in terms of relationships, being close with someone relationally - it hasn't worked out. Because when that's the goal - your priorities are off, skewed. My priorities were off. And that took me a while to figure out. Still trying to teach myself, to some degree. My heart still longs for intimacy, and as I've mentioned before, that means it attaches itself to someone. And that is hard, because I don't want it to just become this all over again. But I've already waxed lyrical about that, so I won't go down that path.

Thankfully, God's been coming in. Because even when other people are intimate with you, do love you in that way - that longing can very well still be there. Or that question can still be there - as to whether I am loved or not. And that's something that only God can really come in and answer, can really come in and change. And he's been doing that for me. In little bits and pieces. Incredible bits and pieces. And yes, physical touch. No, I didn't feel the hand of God on my shoulder or something. But he was using that love language of Physical Touch - interestingly, as well as the ones of Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. He was relating to me in ways that were significant to me, that I connected to and valued. And I think that's true for each different person - God will love you in a way that is unique and special to you. And that's incredible.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still have times when I would really love a hug. (Thankfully, my little sister and my mum are very huggy, but they're not always around.) There are times when I just want to reach out and touch someone. When I want someone to hold me, to just stay there with someone forever, and not worry about anything else. But in the midst of that, God sees me. God loves me. And I remember.

New Family!

So, I've recently gotten back from my last Impart Intensive. Hopefully, you've already seen my last post about the Enneagram, which was definitely one of my favourite points of the week.

But the other big thing was about the different ways that I relate to God. And, him being Trinity, there's three different ways.
I am the son of the Father.
I am the brother of Jesus.
I am the bride of Christ.
And, yes, the Holy Spirit isn't there. But then, she (yes, she - it'll take too long to explain, but that was another thing we learned) is; she's in each one of those, fostering and growing those relationships, and my understanding of them.

Me as a son is an idea that God had already been teaching me recently; particularly through the Wild At Heart book, as well as some good friends. So that was more an expansion on what I already knew to be true, rather than something new.

Jesus as my brother, though, did hit me out of the blue. It's from a passage in Hebrews 2; “So now Jesus and the ones he makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them his brothers and sisters.” And that was just after it was talking about how holy, and strong, and awesome, and exalted, and blessed Jesus is. And I'm his brother. He calls me that. That's something I'm still trying to understand a bit better.

Me as the bride of Christ, though more surprising as how he relates to me, wasn't so hard to get used to, honestly. Maybe that's because I don't really understand it quite yet; maybe it's because he'd been building me up to that (which I can kinda see, looking back). But that was something really special. It might be something I go into a bit more in a later post, because there's a lot to this one. But then again, I might not.

Because I'm actually attempting to write some of this out in a book. I'm not exactly sure how it will look when I'm done - hopefully I'll be able to finish this one, though I'm assuming it will at least take me most of this year - but it essentially expands on these three ideas (for guys in particular, sorry girls). How we have been created and called as the sons of the Father, the brothers of Jesus, and the bride of Christ, and how He connects to us in each of these ways intentionally. That's what I've got so far, anyway. Maybe you'll see some updates from me on it now and then :)

Actually, just came up with this line that I think puts it really nicely.

Created by the Father, Called by the Son, Connected through the Spirit.

The Emergence Of Self.

Currently at Impart - day 3, and I've already learnt and been shown so much. Some things that I'm going to need some more time to ruminate and expand on at a later time; but this one I thought I'd do a bit on now, seeing as I'd actually done a bit on it already in many ways.

So today we looked at the Enneagram. It's a sort of personality test, with 9 types. Just the 9 numbers (123456789), and then each will have various words that are used to describe it. And it's more than just a surface level thing - it goes into your motivations, your fears, your desires, your strengths, your weaknesses, all of it. Even stuff like fashion style, and how you go with food.

So we had someone come in who has been looking at this for thirty years or something. Because it's that complex and in-depth a thing that you can look into it for that long. And she was helping us each find out where we sat - what number we were, and what that meant for us as we move forwards in life and try to grow as people.

I'll run quickly through the nine types, very generally, to give you a bit of an idea. One is the perfectionist - meticulous, analytical, calculating, etc. Two is the helper - always looking out for others, trying to help other people above themselves. Three is the performer - striving to achieve in various ways to be the best. Four is the individual - artistic, creative, needs to be different, unique and special. Five is the thinker - gathers lots of information, retains lots of information, particularly about their one topic they love. Six is the loyalist - they believe in tradition, safety and duty very highly. Seven is the adventurer - they need to have fun, party, energy, etc. Eight is the boss - they know how to use power and influence people, and play with others that have power. Nine is the peacemaker - a bit of an all-rounder, they connect to all the numbers quite well, and struggle to find their own energy.

Don't try to guess which one you are from that, because that's a very brief description, and there's a massive amount to this.

I came out as a 4 - the individualist, or tragic romantic. I believe it relates fairly well across to the INFP of Myers-Briggs if you're more familiar with that, but there are a lot of differences in the systems.

And there was a couple of things that really stood out to me today when we were going through this, that made things make some sense for me, as such.

Firstly, my dad is a 5. Apparently, that's fairly familiar ground for Aspies. I've actually got a decent chunk of 9 in me as well as 4, which means that I can be fairly comfortable with being somewhat like a few numbers around the circle. For example, I could relate to 1, 2, and 6 particularly. Now, the 4 is about emotions - heart space. Being able to share on a deep level, being able to connect. 5 more retreats into themselves a lot, and doesn't focus much on emotions. So, when I started expressing bits of 4 when I was younger - I didn't get much from my dad. So I was like, OK, since that doesn't seem to work too well, I'll just do what you do - and be a 5.
(NB: This is nothing against my Dad here. For a 5 to be able to be able to respond to something like this from a 4, without having a bit of 4 themselves, they would have to be very very developed as a person, very self-aware, etc. Firstly, that takes a heck of a lot of time (decades, and then still not guaranteed), secondly, 5s are not the best at soul-searching. Funnily enough. So not trying to say that this was something that happened because of what my Dad did - just because of who we both were. Simple as that.)
And that's what I did pretty much all the way up through at least high school, if not later. And I expressed my 4ness first through my writing, and then my music. I'm starting to go back through my old music now, and I'm seeing so much of the personality that I have now! It's actually kinda ridiculous! But very slowly, over time, the friends that God put around me helped to bring me out a bit more, back into my 4, back into where I was supposed to be in the first place. To the point where now, I almost don't identify with 5 at all. I find it difficult to retain information, barely read at all, and don't really have a hobby topic that I know everything about. My maths has also plummeted. And that reinforces for me that a bunch of that - probably not all of it, but I think a fair bit - was adopted from and copied off my dad.
(As an aside, for those interested, this somewhat contradicts/much better explains/develops my understanding of what I was trying to say in my testimony, video here.)

The other thing is that 4s are characteristically depressive and melancholic. There is an underlying sadness to them. And that's something that I've definitely had for the vast majority of my life - I believe I called it an undertone in a recent post I did. And I've always recognised its presence there - without (for the most part) being overwhelmed by it, I think. I've had a couple of bad episodes, certainly, but nothing near proper depression. In fact, these days, I would say that I have joy. I am a joyful person. And that doesn't mean that I don't have sadness, and that that depression isn't there any more, it is - but I don't let that overtake my life.

Anyway, that's quite a long post, and it is quite late. So I am going to get some sleep, and let you folks mull on that one for a bit!

Pastiche

Pas·tiche

work of art formed from disparate sources

People have a great interest in their own identity; in figuring out exactly who they are. Why else do we have so many personality tests? Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, the enneagram, multiple intelligences, the Big Five, the MMPI, and even the Rorschach test have become commonly used to try and determine a particular ‘personality type’. Often, tests will have a specific number of types, and at the end of a test, you will be given one of those types. The number of types could vary from only a handful, to a dozen, to more. 

And often, questions are asked as an A or B situation; you must pick which option is more true for you. In some, you might have a scale that you can go between, but are often asked not to have too many in the middle. I don’t think there are many tests where you can pick both A and B, or neither A or B. And yet - often, that is actually the case. You are encouraged to try and pick which one is more true, even if both are true. Otherwise, the results would just be inconclusive, and you wouldn’t find your type, and then the test wouldn’t work!

But I think this is actually quite a common thing - perhaps not something with everyone, but fairly common. I think that all too often, what people are cannot be simply defined by a specific type; they are instead, more of a mishmash, a bit of everything put together, a pastiche.

A pastiche, as defined by thesaurus.com, is a “work of art formed by disparate sources,” which is a great way to put it. (Also one of the best short sentences to describe me, which I found amusing.) We are each a work of art, created by God; and often, the things that make us who we are can be very different, very disparate. Our parents, our friends, our environment, our school, our teachers, our church, our work, and so many other things - each of these shout a million different things, and somewhere in the midst of that chaos, a person is made. An identity, slowly, is formed. In response to all of that. And people think they define it, confine it, simply?

Identity is never simple. If you want to discover who you are, then look inside yourself; ask yourself questions, instead of looking to others for answers.

At Your Core.

So, I've been away at Easterfest for the past weekend. And I'm heading away on my next Impart Intensive next Monday - hopefully I'll get a post up about my experience before then. If not, I'll definitely get up my vlog that I did towards the end.

But what this post is on is something that I was thinking about on my way back. I had a lot of time to think, because it's all the way up in Toowoomba, and that's a long drive. I read for some of it, but I still had lots of time on my hands. A did a fair bit of sleeping as well. But yeah, lots of thinking.

So, I've mentioned on here before that I'm an Aspie. Well, kinda. Latent or some such. Anyway, as such I'm seeing a psych. Always thought that it would be amusing - something like it's portrayed in Artemis Fowl (if you've never read it; essentially, he's a young [twelve I think] sauvant guy who comes across fairies/gnomes/goblins/the lot, proceeds to blackmail and then become great friends with them, and slowly get pulled out of his no-emotionality) - but it's actually been quite interesting insofar. And there was one nugget that was mentioned in my last session (I've only had two) that I found quite interesting.

Essentially, the important bit was that we each have core beliefs about ourselves; they usually are initiated from when we are quite young, tend to permeate through our whole life, are often negative, and are notoriously difficult to pin down and get rid of.

So we each have these. And randomly (as you do), on the ride back home, I realised what a couple of mine are. Well, a couple of my negative ones. And came up with something of an idea about how to get rid of negative ones as well - a three step plan! Because they always work so well.

Name It, Shake It, Replace It.

Naming It - this means being able to pin down what it actually is, specifically. As specific as you can get; it's much harder to fight against a general, blanket sort of thing. You need to name what the issue is.

Shaking It - this means getting rid of the bad, putting out the old. This, you can't do by yourself. You need friends, you need family, you need people around you that are telling you that these things are not true. Because you telling yourself doesn't work, and you know that. And this is where the third one comes in.

Replacing It - because it's not enough to try and just get rid of something bad. You need to replace it with something good. With truth. You need people speaking into your life; speaking life, and truth, until you have a new core belief - a positive one. This needs to relate directly to the one you're getting rid of - it might be the polar opposite.

This post, however, isn't so much a self-help for you folks reading it. This is Naming It for me.

I found two. I probably have more, but two, for now, is enough to be starting with.

I am unseen; unnoticed; unneeded. I am just a random body, and anyone else could have done what I did.

I am unloved, unwanted and uncared for. People think I am repulsive and don't want to talk to me, and definitely wouldn't touch me. Addendum: even if people do seem to care, love or want me, that's because they don't know me that well. If they knew all that I had done, they would be disgusted by and hate me.

It's going to take a lot to shake and replace these two. Thankfully, it's something that's already started to happen. God's been working on the latter a fair bit in the past while. But there's still a long way to go. But, with a little help, I think I'll get there, slowly :)

And no, I'm not going to be posting this on Facebook for everyone. There's being open, but there's also being somewhat...astute, I think is the word. There's a lot of negative potential here as well as positive, so I'm going to try and swing it a bit by sharing this more so with the people that I think will be reacting positively to this.

Unsafe.

Today, I saw a sign that said, "Happy Easter! Be safe, enjoy." Some people would say that the second sentence there is somewhat oxymoronical - it contradicts itself. If you make everything too safe, how can you have fun? There are, of course , always things like reading and chess, but they don't seem to be enough for everybody. 

And yet, we do this a lot with our Christianity - and we have particularly done this with Jesus. We make him into this joyous, always happy, laughing, peaceful, loving, really nice guy who was the perfect gentleman. And some of that is certainly true, and to say he is not loving or joyous would be just ridiculous. But these things are not all he was. 

Jesus was not safe. When you hear about him driving the people from the Temple courtyard - I think some versions say with whips - does that sound safe? There is a righteous anger in this man, there is danger. He would often heat it up with the Pharisees as well, of course, his regular sparring partners; over the course of the Gospels, he calls them whitewashed tombs and a brood of snakes; there are a few others as well, but they're just a couple of the better ones. These weren't safe words, or the actions of a safe man - these were dangerous words and actions from a dangerous man; so dangerous that the Pharisees plotted to kill him. 

And the Easter story is the least safe of all. We surround it with chocolate, and eggs, and bunnies - but he was whipped. Beaten. A crown of thorns pressed into his head. Then he had to carry the cross - which was pretty sturdy stuff, it weren't no balsa wood - while still bleeding and having those open wounds. They forced massive nails through each hand, and a bigger one through both his feet. And then made him hang by them, hang off the holes in his hands and feet. The cross wasn't safe. 

And there were people there shouting at him - taunting him, saying, if you are who you say you are, then come down; save yourself! And we can't know exactly what he was thinking; but I wonder if it was tempting. The thought of just healing himself, coming down off the cross - ending the pain. But he didn't. Right until the end, Jesus didn't play it safe. He didn't just take the easy path. 

So often in our lives, we'll play it safe. We live safe lives; we hide away our troubles and problems and pain, because that's easier. We don't have to worry about it now, and if we hide it, then no one else has to, either. So we act. We hide. We play safe. 

But Jesus didn't just die - he rose again. He came back to life, he conquered death. He was reborn, and showed us that we, too, can be reborn in him, and have new life. Not a safe life. Not an easy life. But real life, full life, the way it was meant to be.

I'm dangerous. Not to you, but to the Enemy, I am dangerous. Because I am living life to the full. Are you dangerous? Are you living life to the full?

Enough.

Seem to be doing quite a few of these more honest/reflective posts recently. It's interesting. Anyway.

God's been challenging me with lots of things over the last few months. You may or may not remember this post: http://modnarama.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/figuring-out-this-year.html that I did - wow, a couple of months ago. One of the challenges I mentioned there was bringing my focus away from a relationship with someone I was interested in, and back to a relationship with God. So the idea was to go the whole year without thinking about that sort of thing, and just focussing back on God.

My heart chucked a tantrum at that one, it didn't seem to like the idea too much. It's been loving someone (not the same someone, to clarify) for six years, and my memory starts to fade before then. So yeah, it didn't listen too well to that.

It's not the feelings themselves that are an issue. The feelings are real, and true - I think they always have been. The issue is that my heart can't let loving God be enough. Not God's love, you understand - loving God. Because my heart needs someone to love - doesn't matter if nothing happens, it's used to that. It just seems to like pining away from afar, and throwing me in head over heels at a moment's notice.

I was fiddling around on the guitar (I can't really play it; I cheat-tune it to make it easy for me), and I wrote this song called Enough based on this idea. I essentially wrote it as I played it, and it only took me ten minutes or so. If you want to have a listen, it's up here: https://soundcloud.com/bjraymond/enough
Quite like the feel of it.

The chorus says this: "And I’ve known this for so long/So why can my heart not tag along/And let you be enough". And that's the challenge. I know how it's supposed to work. I know what needs to be happening. I know and believe that God is enough for me. I just don't know how to get my heart to feel that - because that's a whole 'nother level. And I've experienced that level jump before a couple of times - sometimes it's slow and gradual, sometimes it's a bit of a jolt - but I know that's what I need to work towards.

So what does that mean for the feelings I have now? I don't know. I know (from experience) that there's not much point trying to suppress them - they'll either come raging back up, or I'll gradually develop feelings for someone else. That's where my heart is at at the moment, and that's what I have to try and work out. And I don't know how that's going to work, or how that's going to look. But, hopefully, with God's help I can do this.

By the grace of God.

So, the album launch was last Saturday night, and I thought it was about time I posted about it.

About as many people turned up as would be at our night service (a couple of dozen, for those not from my church). I sold about 8 CDs, and all up we raised around $350 for the Hub (the community pantry being started up at our church). So that's pretty cool.

It was really awesome having Jordan Worner there (as my opening act! was kinda weird), because he was my first choice for who I wanted to open the night, and he was happy to do it from when I first asked him. And, of course, he was amazing. But I knew he would be.

And I got a lot of great feedback from people, particularly about my songs, which I'm really happy about. Because you always tend to worry when you're putting that bit of yourself out there for everyone to see - and that's what you're doing when you create. Every song you write is a part of your own story; some just don't say that they are. And it's the same with all sorts of creativity.

So that was really good :)

And I know that it couldn't have worked out if not for God. I was away at Perth for about a week beforehand; and for the three days before I was on camp. Before I started, I hadn't touched a piano in four days. I was still looking for people to fill in roles while I was over in Perth. A lot of it was coming together still in the days leading up to it, and even on the day. And there were still things that needed sorting out when we got there.

And yet, despite all that, it worked out. God is an awesome God.

:)

And if you would like a CD, they're $10 and I have a few left still.

Other cool people!

Friends are awesome!

As such, I've updated my Links page. It now has two sections; all the blogs I had listed before are under a subheading of "On Hiatus" (because it's been so long since I updated that section that they all are); and another section that says "Current" of other cool blogs run by people I know (a couple are the same people, actually) that are currently going.

The ones under the "Current" list I have also put in a nifty new gadget over on the right, so you can see them and click them straight from wherever you are on the blog!

I'll try to keep it current and such, but I tend to be terrible at that, so we'll see how I go.

In other news, my album launch is this coming Saturday, and I'm kind of freaking out quite a lot. But I know it's going to be good! Yes! God has it under control, I know. Just....yeah.

Anyway, if you are around the Australia/New South Wales/Sydney/Campbelltown area and are free this coming Saturday late afternoon/evening and would like to come to an album launch; it's at Campbelltown Church of Christ, 65 Woodhouse Drive, Ambarvale. Doors open at 5:30pm, concert starts at 6pm and goes through to 7:30pm, but you can stay until about 8:30pm. Entry is $10, and I'll be selling CDs on the night for the same amount. Refreshments will also be available to purchase, and all money is going towards the Hub (Community Pantry) that the Community Connections team at the Church have started to get happening.

Imparting a Story.

I realised that I hadn't done an actual post about my experience of Impart itself. So I thought that I would do that.

For those of you who don't know about Impart, think of it as an intensive one year Bible college course, merged with a spiritual formation/personal development type thing, and you'll be in the right frame of mind. I only realised that it was actually Bible college proper after I was half-way through the first intensive. So I can actually say that I'm going to Bible college, even though I have a grand total of four weeks of teaching. ;) There's ten of us, I'm pretty sure, plus the people that are taking us through it. So it's a small group, but that's the idea - to be a community together.

But one of the biggest things we did in Impart - and, indeed, one of the first things we did - was a unit called Spiritual Formation. And this essentially looked like sharing our life stories. Except slightly condensed, because of how many of us there were. So we were told about 10-15 minutes, but people typically went to about 20-25. But that was cool. And it wasn't about giving your testimony, or telling the success story of your career. It was about being honest about where you were at; what you were really struggling with, where God was really challenging you, how you were really hurting. And then we'd affirm and encourage each other in that.

And that was an incredible, amazing experience. First of all, it was really freeing to be able to share in that space, where there was no condemnation or disapproval; and secondly, it was amazing being uplifted and encouraged by the other guys in the group, and relating to their stories as well.

Something I found that I thought was interesting, is the definition of the word 'impart'. I just looked it up on dictionary.com, and it came up with this:
im·part  [im-pahrt]
verb (used with object)
1.
to make known; tell; relate; disclose: to impart a secret.
2.
to give; bestow; communicate: to impart knowledge.
3.
to grant a part or share of.
verb (used without object)
4.
to grant a part or share; give.
Origin:
1425–75; late Middle English  < Latin impartīre  to share.

The big thing is about sharing, giving, relating to others. And that's really what's been so great about the experience for me so far; both in terms of what others, and God, have imparted to me, as well as what I've been able to impart to others. And I think it's really important to always remember that it is a two-way street; it's a relationship, not a transaction. You don't just take what you need; you give back where you can, and not just because you feel you need to, but because you want to. That's true relationship.

Anyway, that's enough from me for now.

As a side note, Andrew, a good friend of mine, just mentioned my last post here: http://www.perspectivesfromthepeak.com/keeping-it-clean/ Which is pretty awesome :D