Spiralling.

One day, maybe I'll get to write some posts about other things than mental health....but not today. 

Yesterday, at the shops, I had an anxiety attack. Which was new to me. I'll often get anxiety at the shops (I'm not sure what from exactly, I've had it for years now), but this was more intense, and resulted in some quite obvious stimming to try and calm down. Those who know me well might be surprised that I actually have stims. I've been a bit more free with expressing them over recent years, but they're usually happy stims. I've rarely had anxious ones. 

But these were. I was repeatedly grabbing onto my left arm with my other hand, and repeating that motion for probably about half the time that I was at the shops. Mentally, and emotionally, I was not in a good place. And as I mentioned in a previous post, I haven't really been in a good place for a while. 

There's part of me that thinks I should probably be in mental hospital at the moment. That I should have been there months ago. Most of my energy these days is poured into keeping me together. What does that mean? Kinda a lot of things. It means not letting the various fears and anxieties I have take over. It means trying to do simple things like keep myself fed, and watered, and rested. It means getting myself out of bed for work. It means working up the willpower to actually go to work. It means trying not to dwell too much in negative emotion, and not let things spiral into feeling suicidal, giving up on life. Some little things, some big things.

But I keep getting more and more burnt out by life, and by work. And it keeps draining more and more energy. Which means I have less and less ability to hold shit together. That's meant a lot more forgetting things, and head empty moments. A lot more needing to just rest. A lot more needing to just do things halfway, or not at all. A lot more times of feeling depressed. And now, things like the anxiety attack showing up, and anxious stims.

Many days, I find it harder and harder to find reasons to keep going with life. It feels absurdly difficult. Like I'm living on challenge mode, and it just gets harder as you go. I am still finding joys amongst everything, and they help - but they've become a brief and fleeting respite from the normal fare.

Going to go bigger now, and talk beyond me for a bit. 

In a world of abundance like we have today, with access to so many resources - this shouldn't be happening. People shouldn't have to choose between financial stability and mental, emotional, and physical health. But so many do, every single day. In countries that are supposedly rich, and wealthy. That's not even getting to the state of things in poorer countries.

We need to get better at looking after people, on a structural and systematic level. Personal level is great too, like, look out for the people around you, great. But these systems need to change. Because they're slowly killing so many people, who can't see any way out.

The other week I felt like I was coming out of it. I was like, "Wow, I'm feeling great! I'm feeling really happy and laughing and positive and everything! I can't remember the last time I felt like this!" I think it lasted maybe a day before that started to fade. I've been in survival mode for a very long time now. I would rather like not to be.

I don't have a neat bow to this. Don't know if there are any.

Contemplating Commendations.....

I can't resist a good alliteration, y'all. It was this or Reflecting On Rainbows.

It's now been almost a week since my Fringe show came to a close. It feels strange now for it to be done. I put the application in so many months ago, thought I might only get one show, ended up getting two shows, and in such a great venue - it's all pretty amazing.

Even more amazing is that I have found out today that the show has been nominated for a Fringe award in THREE different categories! Which is insane. (The three categories are Music, Theatre, and Musical Theatre, by the way. My show wasn't really Theatre, but I'm not going to complain!) I knew going in that these were good songs, and good stories, and that they needed to be shared. But to have so many people that came along giving me great feedback, and then being nominated for three awards, is pretty amazing. People were saying things like - these songs should be on radio; I could see these songs in a musical (spoiler: I did start writing a musical about queer faith, which some of these songs would feature in, but it has been on the shelf for most of this year); I need to hear this as an album; you should perform this in other spaces; this made me cry; I loved that so much; those songs were incredible; and many other things.

It feels incredible to hear people saying these things. Because this is what I love to do. And more than that - this is my thing. Like, I have fingers in a lot of pies. Anyone who knows me will know that. There are so many different things that I do, and enjoy doing, and a decent number of things that I do well. But this - this is, more than anything else, my thing. Singing songs, telling stories, of my own journey, and connecting to other people through that. Whether that's to build understanding, or relationship, or empathy, or some combination of these; this is what I want to be doing. With, like, most of my time and energy 😅 But, you know, capitalism and money and survival and all that. Jobs are very good at soaking up a lot of time and energy. And ADHD is very good at not letting me focus on one thing.....

But I want to do this more. I want to do things like share Rainbow Religion with more people, more than the fifty-ish that showed up across two performances. Part of that will happen through getting the recording up online, and sharing it that way. But that's also not quite the same as doing it in person. So I guess, putting the call out there - if you know of a place that might be interested in having a show like Rainbow Religion, hit me up. Admittedly, I might need them to have a piano or a keyboard there, my keyboard is.....a bit out of action at the moment 😂 (I don't know where the power cord is for it any more, and it is rather old). But yeah. I'd love to bring this to more people. And I'd love to record these songs, with more instruments, get a proper band happening for them, that sort of thing. I even have music video ideas for a couple of them (like, one is a full on dance video, one is a freaking claymation weird thing). Write more songs. Share them. Do more of all of this.

Because we need more people sharing these sorts of stories. Stories from queer people, from trans people, from neurodivergent people, from people that have gone through shit and are happy to talk about it. The stories in Rainbow Religion have been about dealing with religious trauma, and growing up in the conservative church; and from the reactions that I've had, it feels like this is something that resonates with a lot of people. And that makes sense to me. I think particularly the generation I'm from, and around it, many of us were brought up in church. And there's a lot of stuff that can come out of that, that's not really great. But this isn't the time to do my show over again! I'm just glad that these stories are resonating with people. And I'm glad that what I'm doing is having an impact. So thank you.

Not A "Real" Christian...

This week, I'm performing my show, Rainbow Religion, as part of the Sydney Fringe Festival. There's been a lot of work that's gone into it, and a lot of stories that I'm sharing as part of it. But the topics that I'm talking within are massive - things like religious trauma, spirituality, queerness, deconstruction and reconstruction, moving away from toxic theology, integrating identity and belief, the overlap of so many different things. And so there's a lot that's going to get missed, it's a continuous story that I'm telling and sharing, in many ways. I feel like I've learned so much in so little time, but a couple of years is still a lot to try and distil into one hour. Because that's more or less what I'm doing, telling the story of the last couple of years, and what that experience has been like for me, and the challenges of that, and why I've done what I've done.

And it feels like much of what I'm talking about is going to connect and appeal to a lot of people. I don't want to try and imagine how many people have religious trauma from years gone by, and for various reasons, but I imagine it's a significant portion of the population. Certainly, most queer folks have it to some degree, because religion has done a rather good job of setting themselves up against us for the most part.

But there's also people that will see what I'm doing and get angry. And that will ask questions, or point fingers. And I understand that. People who will ask - "How can you say you're representing Jesus if you're saying that divorce is okay? Or that homosexuality is okay? Or that sex before marriage is okay? Or that porn is okay? Or that being a sex worker is okay? The Bible is clearly against these things! You can call yourself something else, but don't say you're a Christian." And I could ask right back - "How can you say you're representing Jesus when you're hurting those that are vulnerable, and in need? When you are the oppressor? When you are turning people away from the church, and away from God, and saying they are unwelcome? When you are bringing death, not life? This is opposite to everything Jesus did!" But arguments don't solve anything. And my intent isn't to burn bridges - it's to promote understanding, and to help people to heal.

There will probably always be divides, and extremes, and arguments. But we can hope to head towards a future where we don't have to fight to live as ourselves. Radical idea, right? One day, maybe.....

On Burnout.

I haven't been posting much here for a while. Or anywhere, really. And that's been due to a few different things, but really there's been one main culprit - burnout.

There used to be just plain old burnout. But now - now, we have different flavours.

When most people talk about burnout, they're talking about work. And that's certainly a chunk of it. But there's also autistic burnout, which is something I've only learned about more recently, and something I'm still trying to figure out how long I've been dealing with. I'm not going to go into detail about it here, but this is one post that shows up prominently from a quick Google search that seems to explain it decently. TL;DR - when we get overly drained from masking and the like. If you're familiar with the spoons metaphor, when we use too many spoons too often.

I think I might have had various levels of autistic burnout for a couple of years now, maybe more. Some seem to suggest it's an almost constant thing, it's just more about how bad it is. For me, it feels like it's been particularly bad over the past few months or so, but I've had a few waves back and forth over the last while I think.

The difficulty is, I can't really do one of the main things you'd usually do to help burnout - take time off. Have a break. I don't have the leave or the money to be doing that. Though I'll essentially be taking a week off on the week of my show (which you should come see and you can get tickets here) - which will be something, I guess? And maybe if a lot of people come and see my show, I'll have enough money to have a bit more time off. But more likely it will just give me a little bit to add to my currently-rather-low-savings.

What else could I be doing? Well, spending more time doing things that I do enjoy. And I'm trying to. I've got a musical I'm doing rehearsals for, and I'm loving the opportunity to sing and dance again. (I really love dancing.) I've got a show at Sydney Fringe coming up, so I'm practicing my music for that. Trying to catch up and see friends where I can. Would be nice to do games more often? I have a lot of boardgames sitting on my shelf. Unfortunately there's not really a good spot at the new place to do boardgames :( No good gaming table.

The main other thing I can think of is finding different work. Trying to find work that isn't as draining for me. And I am starting to look. But the process of finding work in itself can often be rather draining. So that's not exactly a fast solution.

Right now - I'm working on getting through each day. That's about as far as I'm able to look ahead, many days. Which can make things rather difficult. But that's what I've got to work with......

What's In A Name?

Hey folks. It's been a while now that I've been out as non-binary, and in that time, I knew that at some point, I would want to change my name to something a bit more.....me. I have nothing against the names that I was given when I was born - but they're very straight white cis male. And I am only one of those things. So, you know. Trying to find names that represent who I am now as a person a little better.

Names tend to have connections to both heritage and identity. For me, heritage hasn't ever held much weight or interest, unfortunately (though history in general does). But I don't change my name to try and hide my heritage, or disconnect from my family. I change my name to connect to and reflect my identity, because that is something that I connect to very deeply, and always have. I've had a different understanding of my identity over the years, but particularly in the last while it's grown and been made a lot clearer. So I'm choosing names that resonate with my new understanding of myself.

The first name was the easy part. It's one that's been in my head for quite a while as something I identify with, and was one of the first things I thought of when I was thinking of gender-neutral options for my first name. It's not what I immediately changed to, though, because I wanted to start with what was the smallest and easiest change, see how that felt, and go from there.

But my new first name that I've chosen is Raven.

I connect to this name for a few reasons. Firstly, one of the meanings of my old first name is "little raven", depending on which language you look up the meaning in, it has origins in a couple of languages. The second reason is a bit more abstract - it connects to a series of books I loved when I was younger, called the King Raven trilogy. The basic concept was re-imagining Robin Hood, in Wales, in the late eleventh century; basically, the struggle of the Welsh people against the Normans. Robin Hood is instead Bran ap Brychan, a Welsh prince, whose father is killed by the Normans. Bran escapes into the woods, barely alive, and starts a form of guerrilla warfare against the occupying forces; building a small team of archers, living in the woods, stealing from the Normans and giving back to the Welsh farmers and families. But where does the name Robin Hood come in? Well, over time, Bran earns the name and title Rhi Bran y Hud, which translates to King Raven the Enchanter. But an Anglicised version would be Robin Hood! But yes - Bran translates as raven in the Welsh. And so I loved this idea that I was somehow a bit connected to this person of Robin Hood, even if it was only in this fictional world. Because they're someone that I quite look up to - living to help those in need, and really doing something for justice and people that are hurting. Taking down the rich a couple of notches. (And no, for those wondering, I didn't pick this name because of the character from Teen Titans. I never actually watched it.)

The rest was harder, and I didn't really think about what to change the rest of my name to for a while. I think I first thought about it near the beginning of this year, when I had the idea of writing a musical about queer faith (as you do - it's still on the shelf with not much done at present, but hopefully it gets legs at some point), and thought about publishing under a pen name. Various ideas popped into my head, some I like, some not so much, but I did come up with the idea for my middle name.

The middle name that I've chosen is Joy.

Joy is something that Christians talk about a fair bit, particularly in comparison to happiness, and how it's more long-lasting, deeper, etc etc. And there's probably a bit of that in why I enjoyed (ha) the idea of this name. But it's also just going - I've been through a lot of shit in my life. Not the same sort of shit that others have, or not as much, sure, but I'm not here to compare shit to shit. It's all shit. None of it's fun to deal with and go through. And having gotten through a lot of shit, I'm still able to have joy in my life. And joy has helped me through a lot of the shit. It's not all that's helped me through - and there are certainly times in my life where it's felt fairly absent of joy - but it's been a big part of it. And for me, it's a big part of why I keep going, day-to-day, is the people and things that bring me joy. I'm grateful that there are so many. If you're reading this, chances are you've been one of them at some point.

The last name was the hardest one to figure out. Because, you see, at this point a pattern had been started. And my brain, autistic and ADHD as it is, can't resist a good pattern. I already had the initials R and J. If the last name then started with B - well then, my new name would have the reverse initials to my old name. And I liked the symmetry of that. My old name also had other symmetries - the three names had 7, 5, and 7 letters. They also had two, one, and two syllables. My new names, so far, had five and three letters - and two and one syllables. So. The last name needed to start with B, have five letters, and two syllables. I came up with one idea early on, but it didn't quite fit. And it's only very recently (like, the last few days, as I'm writing this) that I've come up with this one.

The last name that I've chosen is Bower.

This name I don't really have a story for. I was literally looking through a list of five-letter words starting with B, and seeing what resonated with me. And this is what stood out to me the most. I like the connection back to the first name (both being from nature), and that it's a green-sounding word. I like green. (I like purple more, but green is good too.)

So, that's my new name. Raven Joy Bower. In the next couple of months or so, the plan is to change it legally. It will be a bit of kerfuffle and fiddling around to make all of that happen, so I'm anticipating it might take some time to get all the paperwork sorted.

But yes. Hello folks. I'm Raven 😊

Exploring The Fringe....

I've gone and done something a bit radical, folks. Still needing to pinch myself now and then....

I'm going to be playing at the Sydney Fringe Festival. Some of you probably don't know what that is, so if you don't feel like doing a quick Google - it's an annual creative arts festival, specifically to feature up-and-coming creatives. They have Fringe Festivals in many different cities around the world (the most famous probably being Edinburgh Fringe). I don't know if this is true of all Fringe Festivals, or all years, but the way it worked was that there's no selection process as such. You make a submission, and if it fits the rules and guidelines and such, then you're in. The catch is that you have to do a lot of the work - they'll find you a venue, but then you need to do a lot of the marketing and promotion, pay some of the costs involved, all of that sort of thing.

But yeah. I'm going to be playing at that. Sharing some of my music, some of my stories....it feels a bit crazy. I haven't done an event like this before. I've played for a lot of people before - a couple of talent nights and such - but not an event this.....prestigious is I think the word I'm looking for. Feels a little scary? Kinda did the submission on a whim. It's something that I've thought about doing before, but never really got round to it. Thought this year I'd give it a try. And now it's happening. We have a venue, we have dates (yes, multiple!), we have things starting to be organised.....I have no idea how many tickets I'll actually sell, or how many people will come. But it's happening!

I've called the event Rainbow Religion. The basic idea is to do the songs from my latest album (I say latest album, but it hasn't been released anywhere, just written) that I've written, Life To The Full, and tell some stories related to them. It's talking about my experience of coming out as queer later in life, after growing up Christian - some of the deconstruction that I've done, and reconstructing back into something that I believe in now. Reconciling the queer and the faith. I feel like that's a lot of what I talk about, write about, these days, when I do write. It's either about queer stuff, or about how that interacts with Christian stuff.

Because it's important. For so many reasons. I think there are a lot of queer people that have a lot of trauma from the church - either from being raised in it and thrown out, or just the hate directed at them by the church; then there are a lot of people in the church that are queer and afraid to come out, either because they don't think it can line up with their faith or because they're afraid of the reaction from people around them; and there are lots of people in the church as well who just really don't understand queerness, sexuality, gender, well at all. There are a lot of bridges that need building, and I feel like I can help to be a part of that, and a part of that healing process. Doesn't mean that I think every church is about to be affirming - but there are churches around that are, and that are more sex-positive. And it feels like the affirming church, and the queer church, is growing. Which is awesome. It feels like there's a lot of generational trauma that's slowly being undone, and slowly being healed, and words of life spoken into that. And I hope that I can be a part of that, with the music that I play, and the stories that I share.

When things get a bit more finalised, I'll certainly be sharing more information - it's a few months away yet, but we're already making plans! I believe it's going to be good. And maybe I'll see you there :)

Ukulele in the park at midnight.

I want to tell a story. It's part of a story of how I moved towards being an LGBTQIA+ affirming Christian. This is one of many such stories, but it stands out to me still today.

Many years ago, there was a cafe called Mars Hill Cafe in Parramatta. Particularly in my uni days, I would be there most months for open mic nights, songwriter sessions, and the like. It was a really great place, with lovely people. Good food as well. They even had boardgames there, that you could bring out to your table and play with people while you were eating. But, for various reasons, it had to close down one day.

I went to the closing down party, because it had been such a big part of my life for the last few years. While I was there for dinner, there were a few other folks there sitting down and about to play a game. I ended up in conversation with them, and joining them for the game. The game was Monopoly (I know, terrible! But this was a while ago), and I can't remember who won or much about it, but we had fun. And the folks were queer. It was a while back, so I can't really remember names that well, but we had a good time together, and we all ended up adding each other on Facebook.

Not long after, Vivid was happening in Sydney, and so they were like, hey, we should catch up and see Vivid together! And so we did. It was crazy busy, massive crowds, and so we took a while to be able to get anywhere. They ended up getting bored fairly quickly, so they were like, hey, we'll take you to some gay bars! I'd never been to a gay bar before. I'd very rarely even been to a bar before xD I remember at one point they were playing a drinking game, but I didn't drink. So I was playing it while drinking water. Guess who won? :P We roamed around from place to place, and I had brought my ukulele along (as you do), and was playing that in bits and pieces too. I have one distinct memory of playing it as we were running through Hyde Park.

But what was strange to me was that, the next morning, I was preaching at a church. And I wondered what they would think, if they knew that the night before I had been to a bunch of gay bars with a group of queer people. I thought they probably wouldn't like that. And that made me sad. Because it felt right. It felt good to be there, with those people (I know now that I'm queer, but certainly had no clue of it then), and there was genuine joy in that experience.

I think Jesus knew what he was doing, when he lived amongst people. So often when we judge people, we're judging people that we don't know. That are outside, and unknown, and strange, and different. But when we spend time with people - when we share a meal with them, talk with them, start relationship with them - these boundaries between "us" and "them" break down, and we realise that we are not all that different. That's not just a Christian and queer thing, that's a people thing. You can apply it across to lots of situations. But I think it works well here. Often, growing up, it felt like queer people were condemned by many Christians because who they were or what they did was somehow seen as inherently wrong or different. But the more I got to know queer people, the more I saw that this was crazy. They weren't any different to me. (Of course, later on I would figure out I was queer too, but that took me a while.) Their love was the same as mine, just as real as mine, just as precious as mine. Who they were was no less or more than any other person.

Over the years, I'm grateful that I've been able to have many such experiences with queer people, that have helped me to see the truth. But this is one that lives in my memory most clearly. And so I thought that I would share it, in case it helps others.

Stranger and Stranger: Multiversing Madness

I haven't done a review in a long time. So let's do a review! Warning: spoilers abound. I'm not really going to be talking about some of the key spoilers in this review, but there are certainly things I'll be talking about that will change your perception of the movie if you have not watched it yet. You have been warned!

With that out of the way.

Doctor Strange: Multiverse Of Madness had a lot to live up to; and perhaps the trailers should have better set expectations around what would (and wouldn't) be in the movie. The multiverse is something that has been mentioned since Spider-Man: Far From Home, and more recently has featured prominently in the series of Loki, What If?, and the latest MCU movie, Spider-Man: No Way Home - which also featured Doctor Strange. At the end of Loki, we see the Sacred Timeline splitting and fracturing into pieces, but this has not yet been referenced in any of the shows or movies since. In What If?, we saw brief snapshots of different universes, different possibilities - as well as the idea that some beings may be able to move between and beyond them. And in Spider-Man: No Way Home, we get a direct reference to the multiverse, as well as characters from them emerging and colliding in spectacular ways.

In some ways, I think that Multiverse Of Madness struggled from occurring so soon after No Way Home. The latter hit it out of the park on so many levels, and had so much nostalgia to draw on from previous years and generations. And so, great expectations were set on this movie as well, particularly with a name like Multiverse Of Madness - people come bringing all their questions about the multiverse from these recent adventures, expecting that we'll finally see some answers, some crossover happening, that we'll see the multiverse impacting the current MCU in very real and tangible ways.

But that's not what really happens in this movie. Instead, this movie is just another peek into the multiverse; perhaps more than we've had in other places (No Way Home was a look into the past, Loki a fun look at alternate presents, whereas Multiverse Of Madness does give us some ideas about what could be coming in the future), but still less comprehensive than perhaps might have been expected. The main look at this we get is through the character of America Chavez, a great addition to the MCU, a character that seems to be able to travel the multiverse at will (though somewhat erratically at the start), with some glimpse at other bits of power too. We get a couple of glimpses at other universes, our longest glimpse even giving fans some tantalising teasers about possibilities to come; but these aren't really the focus of the story.

Instead, the focus of our story is a continuation from Wandavision; with Wanda, or Scarlet Witch, being arguably the central character for the bulk of the movie. And this, perhaps, is where some of the plot of the movie falls apart a little.

The central idea of the movie is that Wanda is trying to find her kids again (strangely, there is no mention or appearance of Vision). Having realised that her previous attempt to have a family hurt so many, it seems she has changed her plan to only (theoretically) hurt one: America Chavez. Her plan is to take America's power, travel to a universe where she has kids, and live her life there. When Strange asks the question of what will happen to the Wanda in that universe, there's a pause as if she hadn't considered that; or as if that's not relevant, not the point. But most of the movie is spent trying to keep Wanda away from America, often through rather drastic means (and a lot of death). Yet the obvious question never seems to be asked: why don't they just have a conversation, and America opens a portal for Wanda to the universe she wants to go to, and they let her figure things out with the Wanda of that universe? It feels like that would be much less messy. I realise the answer is probably because that would be too easy, of course, and much less drama. But it's sad to feel like Wanda is demonised, when all she is wanting is family.

Putting these concerns aside - it's a pretty good movie. There's a lot of action, and some really interesting fights (one particularly memorable one for me using music as a weapon, with great use of the instrumentation here), but also quite a decent chunk of horror-esque feel to it, and a bit more gruesome violence than you might expect of other Marvel movies. I'm not a big fan of horror, so that side didn't appeal to me so much, but it also wasn't so much to be completely off-putting for me. I enjoyed getting to dive back into the world of Doctor Strange, and seeing a few new techniques from him; it felt like we might see the alternate universe Strange from What If?, but that wasn't one of the ones that showed up. It was nice to see some new characters at Kamar-Taj, including some non-human - perhaps we'll see them again? It's going to be interesting to see where things go from here.

I think one of the difficulties we get as we go further into the MCU is just the proliferation of so many different threads, that go so long before being picked up. We thought a bunch might be picked up here - but no, we'll need to wait a bit longer for that. And each movie just adds more threads, and more stories, each occurring at the same time, and sometimes interweaving, but oftentimes barely even acknowledging each other. Moon Knight, for instance, the latest MCU series, has literally no tie-ins to the larger universe at all. Eternals, one of the recent movies, occurred largely within its own bubble as well, despite taking place across continents and incredible spans of time. If people fall in love with one of these characters from a specific film or show - it's going to be longer and longer before we see them again. Yes, more content is being made than before; but a lot of it is with new characters, and telling new stories, not bringing them together. Which makes it harder and harder to be a "casual fan", or, indeed, a new fan. There's so much to catch up on, and you never really know what will draw on what.

But anyway, I've rambled along long enough. I enjoyed the movie; but it felt like it wasn't what I was expecting it to be, and I didn't like how Wanda was demonised. It felt like we expected this movie to be something different, and something more, and so there's a feeling of being let down from that. But it's still an enjoyable movie, and there's still some great moments in it, and some goodies in there to look forward to (though again, how far in the future? No clue!). Let me know your thoughts if you like down below.

Finding Worth.

Firstly, an apology - I haven't written on here in quite some time now. That was partly due to a depressive season that I had earlier in the year which was quite bad, and sucked basically all of my energy. I had one post I wrote in the middle of that, basically talking about where I was at - but for now that one will stay in drafts. I don't need to be sending that out the wide world of the internets right now.

I also haven't really known what to write about for a while now, just in general. Whether it be here, or with poetry, or with music, or other creative endeavours, things have just been really dry. I've struggled for words, struggled to get anywhere, not really knowing where to start or what to say. So I've just been replaying some old bits for a little while. But that's not what this post is about.

I see a therapist. I've been seeing one (and the same one) since I started investigating this idea of being queer - so back in later 2020. My mental health has been up and down and all over during that time, but it's been great having someone to talk to and check in with through that. In my last session, though, we found a particular nerve - and I knew it was a nerve, on some level, but I hadn't really talked about it before. At least, not on this way.

One of my most recurring struggles, and fears, and feelings, is that I'm wasting time. That most of my days are just being thrown away, with no importance or significance to them, not doing anything that has real value. That I'll get to the end of my life, and there will just be so much time that was completely wasted, and worth nothing.

The difficulty is that, the vast majority of the time, work is like this for me. There are times when I can enjoy the work that I do, or see how it helps people, and find moments of joy within it; but all too often, it feels like I'm taking the day and throwing it into the void, and never seeing it again. And that's been true of most of the work I've done, really. Some just distract me from that better than others.

But then, even when I do have time, there are still barriers. Energy and focus being the big ones. The vast majority of the time, I have neither, or I have the first but not the second. ADHD is probably a culprit here (trying to get diagnosed and get meds for it to help, but the lines for it are miles long, with waitlists often over six months for just the first appointment), but there's only so much that I can do about that right now. And I don't really have the power (by myself, anyway) to do much about capitalism.

Switching it around, then. If I can't do much about the shitty, what's the good? Well, as I'm constantly reminded, and particularly recently - the good is people. When I'm able to connect to people, and make an impact on their lives in some way. Whether that's through directly meeting up with friends and family and helping them, or through the music I play and create, or other things that I make, or other things I'm involved with - seeing that what I do changes people's lives for the better, and brings people real joy, peace, hope, release. 

And so I try to do that more. But that also takes energy (even though it often gives me energy when I get there too) - which other things in life are really good at soaking up and taking away. But these are the things that help me find meaning and worth in life.

I could probably talk about whether that expectation of "making an impact" is healthy or not, and where that comes from, but that's probably a different post. Maybe another time.

What if......it's the end?

What's happening in Ukraine is scary. And horrendous. And shit.

I feel like people in my generation have grown up very much believing that things like large-scale war, nuclear threats, all of that was in the past. We wouldn't need to worry about it again. Of course, too often we turn a blind eye to the many "smaller" wars that are still happening, in many places around the world - and my generation has certainly been worried about the climate crisis, and how that might bring the world crashing down around us.

But this is happening. Right now. And other countries seem scared to intervene, because of the sorts of weapons that Russia has at their disposal. Nuclear weapons. Which brought me to the line of thinking that I had today.

If I knew that nukes were headed my way - if I knew that I was about to die - what would I do?

It's the classic question. What do you do with your last days, last hours, last minutes? Of course, with something like nukes, depending on where they hit, it might be more like seconds, who knows. I'm not that knowledgeable on how it all works. But I was a bit surprised at where my head went.

That is, nowhere. I couldn't come up with anything. Nothing that I'd want to do.

The ones people tend to say are things like, "tell someone that you love them!" I have. I don't really have a secret romance that's haunting me. "spend the time having fun with your partner ;)" I don't have one. I have a couple of people that I've been "dating", as such, or people I've caught up with here or there, but nobody I'd call a partner. I don't have a bucket list to do things from. I think I attempted to write one up when I was a fair bit younger, but I don't think it holds true for me now.

I just. Can't think of anything. I feel like I'd just collapse into a sobbing mess the whole time. I mean, I feel a step and a nudge away from that most of the time these days, to be honest. And maybe that's more the thing. Perhaps it's more due to depression and the like than anything else. I haven't been doing great for a while. Let's put it down to a combination of the pandemic, isolation, being horrifically touch-starved, and various other things being multiple levels of shit. Plus, now, you know, war breaking out in a very public way, and very real danger in another way coming to the forefront.

I just need the world to pause for a couple of months or so while I just go into a snuggle pile. That might get me back towards being okay. It's hard to tell. Every time I spend time with people where I'm not getting any physical touch, my brain just screams at me for quite a while afterwards. I often have to physically or mentally stop myself from touching people if I'm spending any amount of time with them. It's really, really, shit and hard.

I don't have a neat bow for this. Things are shit right now. With the world. With me. The bits of light I get are few and far between, and often go out before I get there. Hope is......fleeting. I don't really have much of it left.

But yes. For those wondering. I'd rather be dealing with all of this, while being truly me, than having to pretend I'm something I'm not. Pretending I'm straight, and cisgender, and monogamous. I don't have the energy to do that. I really, really don't.