The 2020 Vision of Hindsight....

Well. This has been a year, hasn't it? I don't think I've had a year before with so much in it, for so many different reasons. So settle in for a bit - this is probably going to be a lengthy post.

The start of this year saw me preparing for a wedding, and preparing to enter into a marriage relationship with my wife, Thalia. As is fairly typical of a wedding, it tended to consume a fair chunk of our time, and plenty of things were needing to be done last minute, or sudden hurdles jumping up at us (like dogs eating all of the butterflies that were supposed to go on our cake - literally all of them!). But it ended up going well. It's hard to remember much of that day, or much of what happened leading up to it - there was just so much happening. I had good fun not telling my wife what I was going to be wearing to the wedding, though! XD I said that because I couldn't see what she was wearing, she couldn't see what I was either ;) (we had four colours for our wedding - purple, pink, green, and blue, which meant that I was wearing all of them!)

After that, we had our honeymoon down in Tasmania. And we had so much fun, and really enjoyed ourselves. It's such a beautiful place, and we look forward to heading back down there at some point (maybe to stay, who knows?). Then we started to get set up in our new place - which Thalia had already been living in for a few weeks, but it was a bit different both living under the one roof, and finding room for all of our things in this little space that was now ours. We learned quite a bit about marriage in those first weeks, and living together - there are plenty of things that you can't really be prepared for, or know how you'll react to until you're in the middle of it. You can try, of course, and I'm not saying you shouldn't take time to prepare for things, and take the time to make sure that this is what you are wanting for your relationship (because that is super important - marriage isn't for everybody, and neither is living together, and that's totally okay) - but there's always going to be an element of uncertainty there that you can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try. I think it's the same with anything new. And particularly with many Christian marriages, there's quite a bit that's new and different all at once - moving in together, sex, suddenly being around each other 24/7 rather than just in spare time, figuring out what's different in a marriage relationship compared to a dating/engaged relationship - so that can be stressful.

So, in some respects, Covid came as a blessing in disguise when it hit. It meant that we had a bunch more time together than most new couples to work through all of this. But it was still scary when it happened.

In school, you learn about big events in history, like world wars, or the great depression, or....pandemics. But you don't expect to be a part of them. And yet, here we were. Everything was shutting down, everything was going crazy - but we were doing okay, in comparison to many. My work hours didn't change; I was mostly working from home anyway, so I just changed to only working from home (which was weird, and had its own issues, but it was okay) - and my wife was working at a before-and-after school care facility, which was still operating because the school had many parents that were essential workers. So we didn't have any issues financially - which was more than many people could say. Emotionally and mentally were different stories, of course, and we both struggled in our own ways. As I've mentioned before on here, I tend to get much of my energy from interactions with people. I was having plenty of interaction with my wife, of course - but she has a wealth of health issues, which often means that she doesn't have as much energy for interaction as she'd like. And I would use a good portion of my own energy helping her with those health issues - or because she was drained, I'd feel drained. And that's not her fault, or something she could do anything about; that was just how things were. But not being able to go out and interact with other people, and get energy from them, was challenging.

I think that's why, in the latter half of the year, I prioritised so much moving into a job that would mean I was interacting with people. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to find something - so many people were trying to find work, and not getting anywhere - but I applied for two positions, and got both of them. I can't really tell you how, I'm not sure how it worked out either. But it did. One I didn't end up liking, and so I finished up with it pretty quickly - but the other one I'm still doing now, working at a museum in Sydney. It's a really old building, and a great team I'm working with, and I get to have fun with kids for much of my working days. So I'm really enjoying it.

For my other work at church this year, I had to learn a bit of a new skillset - we did church online via Zoom, and that meant figuring out how to do music online through that. We tried doing it live at first, but the audio quality was always pretty atrocious. So we quickly moved to pre-recording - and, because of Covid, each person in the band did the recording at their house, and I put the videos together. I've been using DaVinci Resolve to do it this year, which has worked fairly well, and I've enjoyed fiddling with it - for a free software, it's pretty great, but it does have its bugs. It was fun to play with, though, and it let me do some bits and pieces that you can't really do with a live performance. As some restrictions lifted, we moved to recording as a group in the church, even using multiple camera angles - which looked pretty good, if I may say so. Youth group online was interesting as well, but it went pretty swimmingly - and we had good numbers through the whole stint of doing things online. We've gone back to in-person services over the last month and a bit, and it's been going well so far - the situation is under control enough in Australia that that's been doable, and it's been nice seeing people again.

Over this year, having a lot more time to myself, it's also helped me to explore myself quite a bit more. I've embraced my autism and neurodivergence a lot more - I think working as part of a company that helped to employ people on the spectrum helped with that quite a bit, and I'm grateful for that. I'm finding more and more people that I connect to - content creators and the like - that are on the spectrum and speaking about issues relevant to autistics or ND (neurodivergent) folks, and that's been awesome. There's more I've been exploring as well, that's connected in many ways - but that will need to wait for a bit before I talk about it publicly. Some things need a bit of processing time.

This year I started seeing a psychologist again, and then a counsellor. And that's been really helpful. It's hard to define the negative impacts that this year has had, because there have been so many things happening at once. It's difficult to isolate the issue, when nothing is isolated. That's the complexity of psychology, I suppose.

I was also part of an amazing production of Death Of A Salesman with Campbelltown Theatre Group, which went fantastically - sold out performances! It was fantastic being part of great theatre once again, and I really enjoyed working with many old friends. And I'm looking forward to hopefully doing so again in the new year.

....which brings us to tomorrow, and 2021. The new year. In some ways, it's hard to know what to expect. This year has thrown so many curveballs, it feels unwise to set too much in concrete. But I'm grateful to still have the work that I have - and to have work that I enjoy doing, for this season at least. I'm grateful to be able to spend time with people I enjoy being around, and to look forward to more of that. I'm looking forward to exploring myself more, and better defining what that means and looks like for me. I'm looking forward to more time with my wife, and supporting her in the work and studies that she's pursuing. I'm looking forward to supporting a couple of young guys at my church, who I've known since they were in year 8, as they come to finish high school next year and themselves look forward to the next chapter of life. But as with most years, there's plenty of uncertainty, and things I don't know. For the most part, though, I'm looking into this next year with positivity.

A couple of last things before I wrap this up. Firstly; most people do fireworks and staying up until midnight as their New Years thing. I'm not much of a fireworks person, though - so instead, I watch the first sunrise of the new year with my wife. It's a tradition I've borrowed from a good friend of mine, that I very much treasure. Perhaps something for you to consider as well?

And secondly - the new year is always tinged with sadness for me, because four years ago, on January the 2nd, my cousin died. He wasn't much older than me. He died in a car crash, and as far as we know, not for anything that he was doing wrong (not speeding, drinking, anything like that). It served as a startling reminder to me that life is extremely fragile, and precious. You never really know which day will be your last, or what the next day will bring. So I don't tend to plan for years in the future - because I don't know if those years will ever come. I don't know if next week will even come. But each day, I try to look back and ask myself - "If I died today; what is one thing I did today, that I would be grateful that I had done?" Most days, I can think of something. But most days, I know there's also plenty that I leave until the next day - or I'm not as other-focussed as I could be, or using the precious time I have as well as I could. But I can't change what I did yesterday, or what has gone before. All I can change is what I do now, and into the future. It's a hard thing to balance - but I hope that this coming year, I can be better at doing that. How about you?

On the Pervasiveness of Beauty

I can't remember if this is something that I've talked about on the blog before - but one of the gifts that I have is that I can see the beauty in everyone. And that means a few different things, that I thought were worth talking out.

Part of that is physical, and something I can see straight away as soon as I meet someone. It doesn't matter who they are, what they look like - old or young, male, female, anything else, every person is beautiful to me. Part of it is deeper, though, in seeing the beauty that is part of who people are. And that's not something I can see straight away, but it doesn't take me too long.

I find that it means I tend to see people in a very positive light - it takes quite a bit for me to view someone negatively, unless they've done something terrible. And even then, it doesn't stop me from seeing the beauty in them. Much of seeing the beauty in people does come from seeing them in-person, though - so interacting online and the like doesn't do it as much.

I've also learned that it means I connect with people quicker than most, and on a deeper level than most. I'm very quick to trust people, and quick to share with people. When you see good in pretty much everyone, you develop relationships quickly. And that can be a good thing, and a bad thing. On the good side - I can connect to people I've never met before like I've known them for a fair while, and make them feel comfortable. On the not-so-great side, it means that I often think I have a deeper connection with people than they think they do with me. And it's meant that I can fall for people annoyingly quickly, too - which isn't helpful for me, or for others either.

Being able to see the beauty in people can be a challenging thing at times, but it is something I'm grateful for. This world needs a bit more beauty in it right now - and that's something that I can help people to see. And there's plenty of beauty in other places as well, that I see - in nature, in the world around us, in music, and art, and writing, and words, and the things we create. Everywhere I go, I see beauty.

Part of that, I think, is connected to how I see God. I believe that God is a beautiful God; there are a couple of verses in the Bible that speak to that (Psalm 27:4, Isaiah 33:17), but chiefly, I believe that through my belief that every good thing comes from God. I believe that beauty is a good thing; therefore, it comes from God. Our God is a beautiful God. And so, God has instilled beauty into creation - and especially, into us, who are made in God's image. We are beautiful; because we are made in the image of a beautiful God. At least, that's what I believe. And that's what I see, when I look around this world. Perhaps I can help you to see a little of that beauty too.

Creating a New Number System!

High nerd alert for this post! I haven't done something along these lines for a while. But we're going to be talking conlangs (constructed languages), and, even more specifically within that, number systems for those conlangs.

Quite a while back, I mentioned a language that I was starting to make, Aiyæthron. At some point a bit more recently, I came up with a number system for it. And I don't just mean different words for our numbers, but a somewhat different way of doing numbers.

For starters, this language works in base-8, not base-10. I did that for a few reasons - partly just because I like the idea of base-8 (it divides by two much more nicely), but it also means that 7 is the last digit, and so it does the cool stuff 9 does in our base; and for the people speaking this language (the Aiyædwur), 7 is somewhat of a significant religious number.
If you're not familiar how bases work, it basically (haha) means how many digits you use. We're in base-10, so we use 0123456789. In base-8, though, you only use 01234567. Which means that after 7, you skip straight to 10. After 17, you go to 20. After 77, you have 100. It takes a little bit of getting used to (particularly if you try doing any maths), but hopefully you get the idea.

The next thing different is when you do new words. In English, we have a new word when we get to a hundred, then a thousand, and then every time you multiply by a thousand - which works out to being every comma separator. In Aiyæthron, however, you only have a new word when you can't describe it with the words you already have, without repeating a word (you can't say hundred hundred). In effect, this means that each new word is the square of the previous - so you get up to words for really big numbers quite quickly (as you'll see below).

Then, they do a comma separator after every hundred (two zeroes) rather than every thousand (three zeroes). And how numbers are written out is a little different - it's similar to how it's done in Indonesian, in an additive way. So 23 would be "two tens three". 17 would be "ten seven". So you don't need to know that many numbers to be able to say quite large numbers.

And that's it. That's the only things that separate it from our normal number system - apart from the language itself, of course! Also, a note that I haven't figured out a text/script for this language yet, so it won't be using our English letters and numbers. That's just what I'm using for now so that others can see how it's pronounced etc.

Cah -> One [number]
Dehn -> Two [number]
Fih -> Three
Hohn -> Four
Juh -> Five
Lahn -> Six
Neh -> Seven
Chÿ -> Ten (for us, eight)
Zuht -> Zero

Gÿ -> One hundred [Chÿ x Chÿ, or 64 in base-10] 100
Rÿ ->Ten thousand (our next word would be a thousand) [Gÿ x Gÿ, or 4,096 in base-10] 100,00
Sÿ -> Hundred million (our next word is a million) [Rÿ x Rÿ, or 16,777,216 in base-10] 100,00,00,00
Tÿ -> Ten quadrillion (then billion) [Sÿ x Sÿ, or 281,474,976,710,656 in base-10] 100,00,00,00,00,00,00,00
Thÿ -> Hundred nonillion (and then trillion) [Tÿ x Tÿ, or 79,228,162,514,264,337,593,543,950,336 in base-10] 100,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00

Zhe- -> turns number into ordinal number, i.e. first, second, third, fourth, etc. [e.g. Zhecah, zhedehn, zhefih, zhehohn, zhejuh, zhelahn, zheneh, zhechÿ, etc.]

Regrets....

I saw a post on LinkedIn the other day that got me thinking. The post (from memory) showed the results from asking a bunch of people on their deathbeds what they regretted in their life, and listed the top five. And it made me wonder - if I died today, or tomorrow, what regrets would I have looking back on my life? Not the why-did-I-do-that-stupid-thing regrets, though they can pop up now and then. More the, why-didn't-I-do-this-good-thing sort of regrets. The sort of things that I haven't done - but could still do. That could shape what I do in the future. And I think I've got a few that I can talk about.

First, a simple one. I would regret that I hadn't travelled much - seen much of the world, experienced different cultures, met different people. The internet is a great way to do bits of that, and to connect with people from anywhere and everywhere - but it's very different to being on the streets of another country.

I've travelled overseas twice so far in my life; once to Thailand, and the other time to India. Each was for a couple of weeks, and both were mission trips of a sort. Thailand was with school, back in 2008, and mostly around Chiang Mai (main city in north Thailand); India was in 2016 with a band that I was part of at the time, around New Delhi and Mumbai. So I guess another one will be due in 2024? The closest I've had to an overseas holiday was my honeymoon, which was Tasmania early this year (and was awesome! Tasmania is beautiful). But yeah, going overseas is difficult and expensive when you live in Australia. And then the pandemic happened 😅So yeah, overseas travel isn't happening any time soon. Maybe in another few months we might maybe get to see New Zealand? And that's about it. So, travel within Australia, then! And there's still plenty just in Australia that I haven't seen. There's still plenty just within New South Wales that I haven't seen. Australia is massive, folks. I mean, a big part of it is pretty much just empty desert - but even so, still big. I haven't gotten to the Northern Territory or South Australia at all yet, so that would be good at some point. Uluru! Need to see Uluru. Outside of Australia, though, I'd love to go to NZ, the UK (like, all of it, not just England), most of the Mediterranean too. Part of me would also love to do Everest, but it is crazy dangerous and crazy expensive. So...maybe just base camp? But it feels weird going that far and only going to base camp, too.

Another simple one would be not having deeper relationships with people. I have a lot of awesome, amazing people in my life. And I chat to them online now and then, or interact with them on social media. But it would be rather awesome to interact with them in real life a bit more, to spend more time with people. Again, that has some restrictions in the middle of a pandemic - but thankfully, there's much less of that here now than there used to be.

I think another regret would just be the amount of stuff that's still just in my head and not out anywhere else. Because if I die, then obviously it dies with me - we don't have brain hard drives yet. And even if we did, who on earth would sort through all of that? But yeah - there are just so many songs, stories, thoughts and ideas rumbling around in here that haven't had their time to shine yet. And it's hard knowing how to get them out there - for a start, I only have so much time and energy in the day, and most of the stuff in my head doesn't get me money to be able to pay bills or get food. It's also quite easy for stuff to just get lost on the internet, and not be heard amongst everything else that's out there. The internet is a content machine. And if I'm constantly pushing out stuff, it can feel like people just stop listening and caring after a while as well, because it's just too much. I guess it depends on the quality of what you're making, really, though.

But that's something I struggle with, when I think about it - just the idea of dying with so many things unsaid or unshared, when I feel like so much of what's in my head is meant for other people just as much (and sometimes more) than it is for me.

Perhaps my biggest one, though, would be not having lived life to the full. I feel like there's so much time for me that has just been wasted, doing next to nothing, or nothing important. And I know, "nothing's wasted", "everything teaches us something", "God uses it all later", and I believe all of that in one sense. But in another sense - there's been a lot of times when I know I could be doing something better with that time. And I'm not just talking a few minutes or hours here and there. Sometimes it feels like I've had weeks, or months, even years, when I'm just wandering around aimlessly and really not living. And that's hard.

I think part of the reason for that has been mental health, to be sure. It's difficult to "live life to the full" when things like depression, or anxiety, or whatever else, keep crippling you. But I think part of it is also just the way our world is set up at the moment. Work is an inevitable part of life - and we can argue about whether or not that's a good thing, but it is challenging when what you enjoy doing doesn't really line up with work that you can do. And sure, plenty of people don't enjoy their work, and they manage, you say - but I guess I have a higher bar than "getting by". And I think it's not unreasonable that people should be able to enjoy their work, considering how much of their time it takes up. But I won't rant about that here, because I rant about it all too often.

Those are the main ones that I can think of, off the top of my head. Maybe I'm missing a couple, I'm not sure. And I'm not sure how much this is going to change what I do going forward, or how much it can change things - much of this is hamstrung by pandemic and mental health and the like. But it's useful to at least recognise it, I think, and work through it.

But what about you? What would your regrets be - and how could you use that to change what you do going forward?

The Importance Of Truth

There are many different ideals that people can have and hold. I've talked about some over the years on this blog, and about their importance to me. Today, I want to talk about the importance, and significance, of truth.

But first, I want to define the sort of truth that I'm talking about. Perhaps the simplest way to think about it is "absolute truth", rather than "relative truth". I'm not talking here about things that you might consider true for you, or that I might consider true for me. Though these are important concepts in their own right that can shape our perception of reality and experience, these aren't what I'm wanting to talk about.
No, I'm wanting to talk about absolute truth.

Part of the trick, though, with absolute truth, is that you can't ever really know when you've arrived at it. How do you know that something is absolutely true? Some things might be self-evident (water being wet, and fire being hot), but many things are not. Everything can be questioned, and often is questioned by somebody.
But just because absolute truth is hard (or sometimes impossible) to find, doesn't mean that we can't head towards it, or have it as a goal.

Speaking truth is where we start, and this is radical in itself. We live in a world where white lies and deception are often the norm. Social media, of course (as well as online presence in general), is a perfect example of this. We craft and shape what people can see according to what we want people to think. Now, of course, there's an element to this that is important, in terms of safety - we don't want everyone knowing where we live, and neither do we want brief acquaintances knowing intimate details of our lives, more often than not. And that's okay - that's just being wise about who you share aspects of your life with. But people will often go a level beyond that, crafting a persona online that's very different to who they actually are.
And so when we speak the truth - we are cutting through all of this. We are displaying honesty, integrity, realness - and these are things that are desperately needed in our world. People are hungry for it, as is evidenced by the continuing trend in that direction. We're seeing more and more celebrities opening up about "life behind the curtain", giving glimpses at what reality is like, because people are realising the power of honesty. They're realising the power of truth.

But this is only the start. It's not enough for us to only speak truth ourselves. We also need to encourage it elsewhere - and perhaps more so, call out falsehood and deception.
People are quick to cry "fake news" these days, and point fingers, and click on bait. But we're seeing less real sources, and more handwaving - or presenting sources as credible that often aren't. And scams and shams are almost part and parcel of our online world these days. Some people will know how to recognise and avoid these - but many don't. People will listen to what others are saying simply because it sounds nice, or because it's coming from someone in a position of authority, or because it's speaking to their fears or desires. And they get taken advantage of, much too often, and much too easily.
A great thing to keep in mind here are the logical fallacies, and the cognitive biases. Those two sites aren't an exhaustive list, but they're a good place to start. Unfortunately, our psychology is often working against us in these sorts of things. So it's important that we are calling out what we are able to recognise as deception and falsehood, and champion truth.

Of course, there's a big difference between what is true, and what is good. Something can be true and bad, or good and false. Too easy examples are Hitler and unicorns. But often, trying to hide from a bad truth can make its impact worse - it can seem as though you're denying its badness, or denying its reality, rather than just trying to escape that reality. We see that today with Holocaust deniers, for instance, but there are plenty of other places you can see it. Denying that we're sick, or struggling with mental/physical health, can stop us from getting help/treatment that we often need, for instance.
On the flip side, lies are often at their most potent when they are mostly true, or have a truth within them. A very, very simple example of this is the number of products that advertise as having "no sugar" - but then don't really tell you much about what other sweeteners they put in instead. And so figuring out what is true, and what is not, is often extremely difficult.

But I think that it's a goal worth fighting for. It's why I try to fight against the biases that I've grown up with or learned over time, and work to make sure minorities are heard more clearly so that they can be understood and not misjudged. It's why I engage in discussion and debate. It's why I constantly evolve my ideas about who I am, what God is like, what the Bible is saying. Because my understanding of the truth develops and grows. I don't pretend to ever know the complete, or absolute truth, fully - I don't think anyone can - but I hope that I keep heading in the right direction. And I hope that you do too.

An Update.

Well, the site looks a little bit different! I haven't updated it since back in - I think 2012 or 2013. And it probably shows. So the look is now a bit different, and I've updated a few of the pages as well. The general layout is still the same, though, I'm fairly sure.

I've updated it for a couple of reasons. Firstly - it's just been long enough, it needed a change!
But I think the big reason was that the look of the blog before didn't reflect where I was at, and how I was going with life.

The previous update on the blog I made when I was having one of the best years of my life, feeling absolutely amazing and on top of the world, and ready to launch into a new chapter of living. I renamed the blog "New Life" in Greek (because nerdy Christian, woo), put light colours and pretty birds around the place.

Since then, quite a bit has changed. I've figured out that I'm struggling with depression. I've been in and out of a number of jobs, and had some fairly decent chunks of being basically unemployed. And now, we're in the middle of a pandemic (though hopefully here in Australia we're climbing out of it for the most part), and my moods are all over the place. I'm attempting to figure out where the heck I'm heading (clue: still have no idea), and what on earth I actually want life to look like. Oh, and I'm married as well, which is awesome, but is also very different to living for 27 years before that and being almost always single and looking for someone to suddenly being in a committed relationship. So that's something I'm still very much figuring out too.

I also don't post nearly as much as I used to (or as much as I'd like, if I'm honest). I've usually got a billion ideas going in my head about things I could write, but who's going to read my bits and pieces? Probably a few folks here and there I guess maybe. We'll see. But maybe after I've updated it and it looks nicer - and more like where I'm at - I'll feel more up to writing a bit more frequently and sharing it to places.

So yes. Let me know what you think of the new look! I know it's quite different. I have intentionally also gone with a dark look, because I appreciate websites that have a dark background when I'm searching the web at night, for my eyes that are a bit sensitive to the brighter and whiter light at night.

Ain't Nothin' But Heartache....

Over the last week or so, I've played through the three chapters of Tell Me Why - the latest offering from DONTNOD, that also gave us Remember Me, Vampyr (which I'm yet to try) and the Life Is Strange franchise, which is what this feels the most similar to. And I think it's one of the most intense - and beautiful - games I've played. 

For fans of Life Is Strange, this will feel very familiar. Your gameplay is characterised by choices, which will shape your interactions with the people around you. There's a fairly small cast of characters - maybe just over a dozen - but you get to know each of them quite well over the three episodes, and you can feel the impact that the story and these events are having on these people. But the chief interplay that you'll have is between the two main characters - twins. You play both of the twins at various points in the story, and each has a different feel. But some of the main decisions that you will have are around drawing the twins closer together, or driving them further apart.

In terms of the story - it's beautifully done. There's a constant undercurrent of duality, this double nature to things. Of course, part of that is because you have twins. But then you keep flipping between the events of now and the memories of their childhood; the truth and the lies; the real and the imagined. One of the things that's played with is how much we can trust memory - or not trust it, as the case may be.

We start off with Tyler and Alyson, each starting in different places, meeting each other again for the first time since they were kids. Tyler has been in juvenile detention for a long time, and eventually became a mentor for younger kids there. They're going back to the old house they used to live in when they were kids, brought up by a single mother, that's empty now - to try and fix it up and sell it. 

But the house holds many memories - particularly from the time when they were separated, after the death of their mother, after she seemed to turn a gun on Tyler because he cut his hair short and was transitioning to male. Tyler was accused with killing her, even though they claimed it was in self-defense, there wasn't enough evidence - and now, it seems like things they thought were true are being called into question, shaken and stirred. And they need to find out what is real and true, and see what holds together at the other end.

As you can perhaps tell from the story points - there's a lot of very heavy material here. The game talks about death and violence, bullying and hate, prejudice, and so many family issues. It also dives into what being transgender looks like and means, and the struggles that involves - by putting you right in those shoes. The Life Is Strange games had a very similar line - first by putting you in the shoes of a teenage girl (potentially lesbian), then a Mexican boy (potentially gay), and now, a transgender man. You'll have to decide for yourself what you get out of that - but I continue to find games a powerful way to walk in somebody else's shoes for a while.

But, much as that's a key issue for the character of Tyler, that's not what this game is about. It's about family, and the dysfunction of that, and the mess of that, and the beauty of that. It's about the family that you're born with - but also the family that you choose. And both can be powerful in their own way.

And it's about truth, and secrets. And the pain that each can bring - as well as peace. Ultimately, though, only truth brings real release, as you will discover. 

It's an incredible game, and along with Life Is Strange, one of the better story experiences I've played through. I particularly love the many little puzzles scattered throughout - especially in the last chapter. And the music plays beautifully into the themes here.

 It is very intense, though, emotionally, and can be scary at times. So be aware of that before you play, and have some positive reinforcement ready if you need it.

But I recommend this game extremely highly. In terms of age - I think it should be fine for teens and above, but as always, you know your kids. Give it a try yourself first so that you know what they'll be working through, and so that you can discuss things with them as they come up. There's going to be plenty.

Rising.

I've been out of it for a while. And when I say a while - probably months. Maybe even the better part of a couple of years. It's difficult to be able to measure these sorts of things. But, finally - and strangely - I think I might be pulling out of it. And I wanted to talk about that for a moment.

I haven't been doing well for a fair amount of time. Some people might have seen bits of that, some people probably not much - I can be good at masking it sometimes. I've grown up masking, so it's been my normal. The hard part these days is actively choosing not to mask, and figuring out what I've actually got underneath. It's tricky as well, because I'm usually better when I'm around people - and at my worst when I'm by myself. So whatever people see is usually me at my best, or at the least better than I'm actually doing. So it's easy to think I'm doing okay when I haven't been.

Part of that "not doing great" has been depression, I think. But that's hard to define a lot of the time, and can get a bit woolly for me to be able to nail down properly and get a look at. So I tend to try and reframe it, even though that's part of the picture.

It's only more recently that I've realised a big part of it has been about energy. And about relationships.

Because this relationship with Thalia has been my first time in a relationship, I didn't have any prior experience to draw on, or know what it would be like. And I think one of the biggest things that I didn't realise going in - and am really only coming to terms with more recently - is the amount of energy and time it takes.

Before I was in a relationship, I would have X amount of energy and time, let's say. Now, a solid chunk (probably the largest chunk) would get taken up by work. But then I'd have a fair bit still left over, most of the time. And so I'd be able to put that towards different things - like creative projects, music, theatre, catching up with friends, early attempts at romance, chores and the like, gaming - kinda as I liked, though circumstances would pull things this way or that.

But when you're in a relationship, suddenly, you're pouring most of that spare time and energy into the relationship. Even before we were married, we would see each other most days, and spend most of our spare time together. And that takes time and energy away from those other things. Now, that didn't really matter too much to me at first, because I was rather swept up by this amazing beautiful woman. (I still am in many ways, don't worry!) But after a time, the honeymoon period wears off, and life catches back up to you. You still find joy and fulfilment in the relationship, but if you try and find everything you want within that relationship, you'll wear both of you and the relationship out very quickly. No person can meet that expectation.

For me, I get a lot of my energy from people, and from creativity and projects I'm working on. Catching up with people, playing on the piano, working together with a group on something, being involved in a play, going for a tea with a friend - these were the sort of things that filled my bucket. But most of my energy and time were being taken up by my work and my relationship - and everything takes a little bit of energy. I was quickly finding that the things that gave me energy, I often didn't have the energy to do.

And so I was in a downward spiral, feeling worn out all the time, drained dry like a husk. There were days where I would wake up in the morning and hate the thought that I had to get through another day. Where I felt I had very little to look forward to in the day - or even in life, in some ways. Thalia was really the only thing tethering me to sanity and life, in many ways, and that wasn't really fair on her. But it's where I was at.

So, what changed? Well, on Thursday, I played the piano again. I have an old upright piano at our place that I got for free - I only had to pay to have it moved. It's probably a little out of tune, and there's a couple of dud notes, but I still love having an actual piano rather than just a keyboard to play at home.

For quite some time, though, stuff has been building up on top of it, and I don't know when the last time was that I played it. I've played music - I've got a guitar at home, and I get that out every now and then. That's been helpful. And I play the keyboard each week for church. But playing a piano just feels different - I can't quite explain it.

Anyway, I just felt a compulsion to have a go at the piano that day. I moved the stuff on the lid, opened it up, sat down.....and played. And it just felt amazing.

It felt like I'd been a fish out of water for so long, and I was suddenly swimming again. I was doing what felt natural, and right, and good. I was doing what I was made to do. I was breathing again. I had hope again, joy again, after so long with clouds in front of my eyes I was seeing light again. That's what it felt like.

And I had so much energy! So much energy. I ended up streaming (I've been trying to stream me playing music for about 20-25 minutes or so most days for the past couple of weeks or so), and you can see the energy and excitement I had. I felt like a kid again, making a new discovery. Opening up an old treasure chest. I was remembering part of me that hadn't surfaced in a long time.

It seems so inconsequential, on the one hand. I just played the piano. Nothing about my circumstances changed - I didn't change jobs, I didn't move out, I didn't suddenly find an extra magical 12 hours in the day. But it's strange how simple things can sometimes make incredible connections in our brains, particularly when we invest so much of ourselves in them. It's hard to quantify how much time, energy and love I've put into the piano. Not as much as many - but a lot. Weeks, months, and years of my life. And so coming back to that - it awakened something in me, I guess. It's hard to define it, and hard to understand it. I just know where I am now, and where I was at before.

At the same time, I also know that change is much more often temporary than permanent. I'm not expecting this to magically solve all my problems. But I'm hoping that perhaps, if I make playing the piano a more regular part of my week - it might head me in a more positive direction. I'll keep streaming it out when I do. And you're very welcome to join me.

I don't know what the future holds, or where my path is going. But I don't see music leaving any time soon. Or relationship.

PS: If you haven't figured out, I still love my wife very much! Please don't get the wrong idea from this post. I just need to have a healthier balance of things in my life.

Life Revisited - a different kind of Strange

Not too long ago, I did a review of Life Is Strange, accompanied by my thoughts on Life Is Strange: Before The Storm. I'd recommend you read that first before this post, because I'll be referring back to my thoughts there a couple of times.

After my experience with the previous two games, I knew that I'd have to try Life Is Strange 2. From what I saw in advance, it looked to be quite a different storyline, but with some similar ideas - a person with powers (though not the same powers!). Spoilers will probably be coming up here, so be warned!

First, a rundown of what the game is. Life Is Strange 2 is a story-driven RPG, told mostly from the perspective of two young brothers, Sean and Daniel Diaz, and particularly the older brother. It's broken into five distinct episodes, each a mini-story in their own right (much more so, I'd say, than the original two - which can be a positive or a negative), in which you'll journey to many different places, and meet many different people. All the while, though, you're on the run from the police, because of an accident involving your father and a policeman that you've been blamed for - and so you're trying to get to Mexico and Puerto Lobos, your father's hometown. You have to look after your brother, help shape and guide his decisions and who he will become - and even more so as you discover that he has the power of telekinesis; moving objects with his mind. Similarly to the two previous games in the series, you'll be presented with many different choices - some a clear dichotomy, whereas others will be more nuanced. But your choices will have a direct affect on the story, and also on your brother. If you start stealing things to get food or money - then perhaps he will as well. Uphold what is right and true - and he'll be more likely to do the same.

On the technical side of things, there are many familiar notes here for Life Is Strange players - the way that you make choices and interact with the world is very similar to what is was in previous games, as is the inventory (though there's some nice art and commentary there that's done well). New for this time round is the drawing mechanic, as Sean is a budding artist/sketcher. In each episode, usually a couple of times, you'll have the opportunity to sit down and sketch the scene before you. It's a fairly simple mechanic, and you'll have the option to keep either a lower-quality version or go over it again for a more detailed one (and occasionally add extra things to the sketch afterwards) - but it's a nice break from the drama of the story. You also have a few collectibles to try and find in each episode, which you can hang on your backpack as you're walking around.
The art is again, amazing. Contrasting to the previous games, this game has you constantly going to different places, never really in the same spot twice - so you really experience a lot of different environments, and some really beautiful ones. I particularly enjoyed the way the canyons were portrayed in the final episode. Sean again keeps a journal, but it's more of a sketchbook with some brief notes here and there - you also have an inventory, as does Daniel (assuming he's with you), and various maps through the game.
The music is less directly used than in the previous games, but still really nice, and matching well with the themes and feel as you go. The ending song of each episode, again, will always shake you a bit.
This time, I didn't encounter any real technical issues, which was nice! I had a couple of times when things in-game were colliding in ways they probably shouldn't have, but it was quite minor and didn't affect gameplay at all.

Again, though, the story is king here. And again, it pulls you in quickly. I think I might have been pulled in more deeply to the original games, but they were quite different in the notes they were hitting. (Spoilers now abounding from hereon!)
Here, you have a death almost straight away in the game - your father. He's shot by a police officer, in what should have been a minor altercation, but ended up going badly because of racism (your father is Mexican), and this results in Daniel basically exploding with his power and knocking everyone out. When you wake up, you don't understand what's happened, but quickly run off with Daniel in panic.
The first episode quickly gives you both amazing and terrible experiences with other people, regardless of the choices that you make. (Heads up - you're going to be at the butt-end of a lot of racism this game. This game coming out around a similar time as Trump was coming into power is no accident - there are certainly a few direct references to that, as well as implicit ones.) You start off not really having any idea of what you're doing, with almost no supplies (keep in mind, Sean is 16, and Daniel is 9), just making it up as you go - but, after one very bad experience with one group of people, you're then rescued by another guy that's very generous and helps you out. You end the episode by finding out that Daniel has powers.
Episode two is all about training Daniel. You start off trying to build up his powers, practicing with him, having found this cabin in the woods that you're living in - but he gets sick, and so you start heading towards civilisation. Specifically, to your grandparents - that is, your mum's parents. Up until this point, we've had very little idea of who the mum (Karen) is; just that she left quite a while back, and that she's not exactly a welcome topic of conversation. The grandparents take them in hesitantly, but with care. But, they can't go anywhere. Then, of course, Daniel makes friends with the kid next door (who is also into superheroes), they happen to travel to the Christmas market, and get spotted there, and have to run off again.
They hop on a train, and a bit of time passes before the beginning of the third episode - apparently, they bump into a couple of people (good ones) that they met at the Christmas market, who are kinda travelling hippies (not meant as a derogatory, just helps people get an idea of what I'm talking about). They hook up with them, and all end up camping out in a forest and employed at a marijuana farm (illegal - in this state, anyway). Yes, even the nine-year-old. (Questionable ethics/morality, agreed - but then, I've never been on the run from the police with a nine-year-old brother.) They stick it out for a while, with the idea that they'll get enough money to help them get to Mexico. So you start up the episode in the middle of all that. On the side, you can also become romantically involved with either Cassidy, a guitarist/singer in the group, or Finn, the ringleader (or troublemaker). But, of course, things happen - Daniel sneaks in to the owner's house, the owner (Merrill) gets angry and says no pay for them fortnight, and Daniel will get punished. Of course, that results in the muscle getting knocked on the head by Daniel's powers (which, by the way, have grown to absurd levels at this point, and he's getting quite independent), and some of the team discovering Daniel's secret. This results in Finn suggesting a heist, where they steal money from Merrill, using Daniel's abilities to get in. Regardless of what you choose, this will happen (Finn and Daniel are thick as thieves), and they will again be confronted by Merrill, resulting in an altercation, and Daniel doing another explosion and knocking everyone out - this time, running off by himself.
In between the third and fourth episode, the police arrive, and you're taken to the hospital - one of your eyes isn't doing so well. You do get a neat eye patch later, though! Max would be jealous. There, you're questioned frequently by an FBI agent, who is also trying to find Daniel - with no luck. In the fourth episode, the night before you're released from hospital, you figure out where Daniel is (with one of the guys from the farm), and break out from the hospital, stealing a car (the place they are is pretty far away). You drive for quite a ways, but you have no money and the fuel runs out (though not before encountering more fun racists). You start walking there, though do have the opportunity to get a lift. The place that Daniel's at is a church, where it turns out the preacher, Lisbeth, has taken Daniel to be a sign from God and an angel, and is basically using him to build her own cult. Eventually, with help from your friend from before Jacob, and also your mother Karen (who shows up out of nowhere - you can react to her as you decide), you manage to get Daniel out, but the church burns down in the process. You wish Jacob well, and you and Daniel take off with Karen.
Apparently, Karen lives in the desert. As you do. There's a small community there, which is pretty independent, that she's a part of. You spend some good time with her (or at least, I did - I'm not sure how different it is depending on how you reacted to her in the previous episode), but you did burn down a church - the police are hot on your tail. The community sends you off well, and you get to the border wall - where you're promptly stopped by local racists who make it their job to stop immigrants. Thankfully, before they get too crazy, they're stopped by actual border police (who are still police, so they're angry at you, but thankfully not racist this time). You're taken to the police station and separated from Daniel, who's in the infirmary. You talk to another Mexican couple who are on their third time attempting to get into America - the wife is pregnant. They try and discourage you from going to Mexico. You're then interrogated by the police, but not for too long before Daniel breaks in and helps you escape. When you get to the border again, though, there's a line of police cars and police with guns aimed at you - and you have to make the final choice. Apparently there's four different ways it can end, depending on some choices you've made along the way. But I'll go into that a bit more later.

Phew. That took a while! I didn't mean to do a blow-by-blow, but the narrative of this one is a bit different to the original - while there is an overarching narrative (the boys running away), it's much more episodic in nature, and doesn't really have a Big Bad as such, other than perhaps the police themselves (and even then not really). Again, like the previous two games, it deals with a lot of serious issues - as you might have picked up, racism is one of the big ones! I think it's really interesting playing this as a white guy, because it helps me experience a bit of what's happening there, and be more empathetic to those situations (though it's very much something I was already aware of and care about - this just helps give me more specific experience with it).
Another big note the story hits on is family. Obviously, the big part here is the two brothers; but also their relationship with their Dad, Esteban; later on, their relationship with their mother, Karen; their grandparents; and even the "family" of sorts with the hippies in the forest. Beyond that, there's also the family dynamic that Jacob has with his sister; that Lisbeth attempts to have with Daniel; that the desert community have. You get to see a lot of different sorts of families, and different ideas of what it means or looks like for people; and, to some degree, make your own, and come up with your own conclusions.
Beyond these big two, it also looks at drug use, violence, drinking, religion/cult dynamics, homophobia, and death. You don't have the outright scheming villains that you do in the original game; but you do have a few people that will certainly look at you and try to take advantage of you.
There are a lot of emotional moments, and a lot of difficult choices. Often, you won't really know all the impacts of your choices, and sometimes you'll want to go back and change them - sorry, you can't rewind time in this game. You can reload a save, but that's about it. The dynamic of not being the one with the power actually made this game feel very different - if Daniel is around, you can ask him to interact with specific things using his power at particular times, but that's not always an option. You're the "normal" person this time, trying to make the best decisions you can with the limited information you have.
Again, it's an emotional rollercoaster, but again, it's very much worth travelling. I think this one is perhaps more directly educational (if that makes sense) than the previous one - there were a lot of direct lessons I could pull from this game without having to read into it at all, and although I think there are many lessons in the previous game as well - I don't know. Perhaps just different sorts of lessons, or less obvious? Difficult to tell.

Parents - this one probably isn't for kids so much. Even though it features a kid as one of the main characters! I think you'd need to be at least 16 to play this. There can be a decent amount of swearing, and there is some nudity as well (brief and not too in-your-face, but clearly present), and some serious violence on occasion, as well as many racial slurs aimed at the main characters. Again, this game could definitely be used to teach kids some great lessons - but this one would be more for your older teens. Again - have a go of it yourself, and decide if it's right for your child. Keep in mind that making different choices in-game will affect their experience!

Before I wrap up, though, I do want to talk for a bit about the ending. Super-duper spoilers here, folks!
Right at the end, you are presented with a choice - to surrender to the police, or to try and get through the blockade using Daniel's powers. Your choices throughout the game will affect Daniel's morality, which will decide whether he will agree with your decision. This results in four possible endings. I'm not really going to speak to the other three - but in my playthrough, I kept a fairly good level of morality with Daniel, and so he agreed to surrender when I said that.
You then have an extended cutscene that shows you the outcome of that decision - Daniel is too young to be prosecuted, so he grows up with his grandparents. Sean is imprisoned, however, for fifteen years, for his crimes (this is regardless of your choices). You get shown some key moments that happen for Daniel during that time, including him graduating and getting a job, and then you get to see Sean being released. Daniel is obviously there to welcome him, as well as a couple of others - an old school friend and one of the grandparents. There's some more cutscene, where Daniel and Sean go for a hike together down to the spot where they spent their first night together after their Dad died, and share stories. But then - and this is what I don't get - they each get in their own cars, and drive in opposite directions.
What the heck? After everything, all that they've been through, and waiting fifteen years to see each other, they don't stay together. We're not given any explanation of why this happens in-game, and I can't find any thoughts elsewhere on the interwebs as yet. But, from my experience of the characters and story, this makes literal zero sense to me. But there you go!

Anyway, I really loved this game (despite the confusing ending), and think it's definitely worth playing for those who love games rich in story, in character, in choices, or all of the above. It will probably get you crying at some point - but that's not a bad thing.

Covid Church.

Hey folks. I haven't chatted on here much for a while. Hope you're all keeping okay amidst the crazy world right now. I'm mostly staying home and working (because work is still a thing), which plays fun games with mental and emotional health and all that. But I got to see some of my family in person recently, which was really nice. And we walked some dogs the other day. So I'm alright.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about! Actually wanted to talk about church.
And I wanted to talk about church because I've found it really interesting observing what's been happening with it since Covid and isolation and all that started (being one of the main staff of a church myself). But after thinking about it a bit, it actually makes a lot of sense.

So, for context. Our church usually has two services - 9am and 5pm. The 9am service is fairly traditional Anglican; prayerbook service, organ, hymns, and the average age of the congregation is probably about 60 at a guess, maybe a little higher. They do morning tea afterwards, and they're lovely people. I usually do the first song for them on piano, which is comparatively newer, but still one they know well (like In Christ Alone, or Jesus Paid It All). The 5pm service is more contemporary, with a band (that I lead most weeks) and more modern songs (aka 2000 onwards or so), and a more relaxed setting. It's also our family service, so it has a kids church and all that too, and we have dinner together afterwards. We might get - at a rough guess - sixty or so at the morning service, and probably about eighty in the evening.

When isolation started, we moved online, as many churches did. We opted to do a church service via Zoom, consolidating both services into the one, which would start at 9:45am, but opening up the Zoom earlier for people to log in, chat, make sure their technology was working, etc. And we saw something a bit remarkable happening.
Each week, we would have close to, or just over, 100 devices signed in to the Zoom. Now, that's devices, not people - so some of those can represent couples, or families. And when you take that into account, that's more than our typical two congregations combined. I think there's a few reasons for that, and I'd like to take a look at that.

Firstly, what you need to commit in order to attend has been lowered significantly. Previously, if you wanted to attend one of our normal services, you'd need to set aside the time, maybe put on something a little nicer if you wanted to (though particularly at the 5pm service it's more casual), drive over to Cobbitty, and sit in the pews for roughly the hour that the service goes for (with some standing up and sitting back down, but a lot of the time is spent sitting in the pews), which aren't quite representing the height of comfort. Now, all you need to do is set aside the time, turn your computer/tablet/phone on, click the link in your email or on the church website or Facebook, and that's it. If you don't want to get dressed - just leave the screen off. Church in your pyjamas! Why not?

And so many people that might only attend church now and then are becoming more regular attendees. By the same token, it makes it much more open to newcomers - when it's a much lower barrier to entry, they don't have to worry about being scrutinised or called out or recognised by anyone (not saying that's what we do, it's just a worry that newcomers have) if they don't want to, and they can just have it going in the background - it becomes much easier to just try it out, and see what you think. And to even try out multiple services, if they're at different times, or if they're prerecorded and put up on platforms like YouTube or Facebook. I mean, if you want, you could watch a church service that happened at a church several hours away from where you lived - maybe see the church that your parents or kids go to, or that a friend you know goes to. All of this suddenly becomes very easy and simple.

Secondly, the importance of community in this time of isolation can't be ignored. When you're spending even more of your time either by yourself or with just the people in your household, it's a welcome opportunity to be able to connect with other people all of a sudden, even if it's only via a video chat. So having that time to talk with people before and after the service can be really lovely. Now, as you can imagine, 100 devices talking all at once doesn't really work that well - but before the service, people tend to arrive in bits and pieces, so the early birds can have a good chat to each other without being interrupted too much; and then after the service, we go into random groups for a few minutes (Zoom lets us do that via something called Breakout Rooms), and can chat there more easily. Having that interaction, and that support during this time is really important, and really helpful for many people. So I think that's another reason that we're seeing more people regularly at church.

Thirdly - and finally - I think a big part of it as well is hope. We're in a global situation at the moment that's rather unprecedented, and quite scary if you think about it too much. Where we are in Australia we're doing pretty well, but there's a lot of places that aren't, and where people are dying very quickly (though, thankfully, it's not nearly as bad as it could be). Amongst that, people look for hope, reassurance, light. Religion is one place where people often find that. After all, for Christians, part of our faith is that - regardless of what happens in this life - we will be with God in the life to come, and there will be no suffering or pain. There's plenty of discussion as to what that looks like, but regardless, that seems pretty awesome right now. And we also believe that he is with us now, through his Spirit, strengthening us, guiding us, helping us. Giving us hope. So, yes, that is something else that I think is attracting people to churches at the moment (and, I'm guessing, also to other places of worship, but I don't really have information on that).
To be the devil's advocate for a moment - this is, of course, something that can be used and abused by some people; to gain wealth, or power, or influence, or what have you. But I suppose I hope that this is a very small minority of cases.

What's going to be most interesting, I think, is to see how this affects churches post-Covid. If churches draw from some of the lessons here, and think about how they can bring some of this back to regular services. Maybe that means looking at offering a livestreamed version of their service; perhaps it means looking at how they welcome or interact with newcomers, and seeing if there are changes that need to happen. But those are conversations for later. For now, I hope this was an interesting look at some positive aspects that this situation has had to churches (or at least, the church I'm in). As a parting note, if you are interested in joining our service this Sunday, you can find more information here.

An addendum to squares - rectangles!

This post is going to be rather random, but I made this discovery the other night, and so I wanted to write it out.

Quite a while ago now, when I was back in high school, I was fascinated with those grid squares that ask you to say how many squares of any size are within that grid.
I managed to figure out that if you have a grid of size x, where x is the number of squares along the side of the square, then the number of squares of any size you can find in the grid is equal to:
x^2 + (x-1)^2 + (x-2)^2 + ....... + 1. It's a sum of diminishing square numbers.



So, in the above grid, with size 6, that's 6^2 + 5^2 + 4^2 + 3^2 + 2^2 + 1^2, or 36 + 25 + 16 + 9 + 4 + 1, which is 91. (The contracted formula is (x(x+1)(2x+1))/6, but that's trickier to remember.)
I then tried to do it with a triangle grid....but that problem turned out to be rather more difficult and complicated.

But, what I did figure out randomly the other night in my sleep was......rectangles! And they're actually surprisingly simple.

Say you have a rectangle grid, with sides of length a and b. The number of unit squares in the grid is pretty obvious - it's ab. So then, I wondered if I could almost substitute a and b into the original equation I had - and, it turns out, I can! So, we end up with this:

ab + (a-1)(b-1) + (a-2)(b-2) + .....

The only difference for this formula is that it doesn't have 1 as the last number. In the last bracket, either a or b will equal 1, but not both, otherwise it would be a square! And if you take away 1 again, obviously you get zero, which multiplies to give itself again, so you're no longer adding any more.

But I'm quite happy with this result! I've already tried it out with a few rectangle grids, and it seems to be working really well so far. I'm pretty sure that it will always work, but let me know if you find a corner case!
What I'm not sure of is how this could potentially be factored down. I can't really create a series to search for, because rectangles can have all sorts of ratios. So this might be as far as I can get with it for now, but I'm okay with that.

On Hope.

Well.

The world has gone a bit crazy over the past couple of weeks. For those living under a rock, or if you happen to be reading this in the future (hey future people!), coronavirus AKA Covid-19 is currently taking its toll worldwide.

I was going to write a post more around the facts and myths surrounding the virus - because there seems to be a fair bit of misinformation about - but I don't know if that's what people need right now. Rather, I think what people need is hope.

Because it's easy to laugh it off, and say that it's probably not going to affect you, and poke fun at the people panic-buying and post photos of toilet paper saying you'll sell it for a dollar a sheet. But, more and more, people are realising that this is going to affect them directly. If you don't get sick, people you know will. Probably most people you know. If you don't lose your job, people you know will. Some companies will close down, and some businesses will more or less cease to exist, as more and more restrictions are put in place.
Here in Australia at the moment, there's a ban on all outside gatherings of 500 or more people, and all indoor gatherings of 100 or more people; and international travel has been suspended. You also can't get into Australia any more if you're not a citizen/resident. Even interstate travel has slowed down. Aged care homes are limiting visitors. I think those are the main points.

It can feel very crushing. A lot is happening all at once, and even if you're someone who "likes change" and "goes with the flow", this isn't generally the change or flow you're talking about. It can feel like there's not any end to it, because it just keeps getting worse (even though there are already ideas about how long it might last - say six months or so).
Panic is easy. So is ignorance. Neither are good or helpful responses. We don't want people hoarding like crazy; but by the same token, we don't want people thinking it's not an issue and just going out and living their lives like normal as if nothing's wrong. There needs to be a happy medium of rational caution; where we hold both hope and comprehension together. On the hope side, we need to be looking to the future, and remembering that this isn't permanent. On the comprehension side, we need to be understanding the possible dangers, as well as the dangers already present.

I don't want to speak too much to the comprehension side of things at this time. Perhaps I will some other time. But I will speak to hope.
Hope comes from seeing good in the future. It's about looking positively forward, believing, trusting, in a future that is good. It can be specific, or it can be general. But it can also be easily blocked, if we have a short view.

To illustrate, I'll use an example from The Hobbit. If you haven't read it, this won't spoil anything in particular (though you should definitely go read it). There's one point where Bilbo and the dwarves are in the middle of this forest. And it's rather big, and they've been going for days, and they're rather lost. So they send Bilbo up one of the trees to get a better view, to see if he can see the edge of the forest. But when he gets up there, it looks like the forest continues to every horizon.
However, the narrator kindly tells us that they are in fact in a valley, a bowl of sorts, so it merely gives the illusion that it continues forever; were they to head in this or that direction for a while and repeat the experiment, they would have very different results. However, instead, the group loses hope. Because they don't have perspective. They're focusing on the immediate situation. (Which, considering what they've been through, is understandable, I will admit.)

Similarly, if we focus on the situation at hand, it's easy to lose hope. But if we shift our focus further afield, then we can retain that hope. And we can do that in a couple of different ways.
Firstly, we can remember that this is just a season. A strange and difficult season, yes, that we're not sure exactly how long will last; but everything we know says it won't last forever. That there will be an "other side", that we will get through it, one way or another. So we can focus on that, and on how we're going to make things better for when we do emerge out of this.
Or secondly, we can focus on something that doesn't change. In my experience, that's God. He might change what he does, or how we see him - but who he is is unchanging. He is life. He is love. He is light. He is truth. And he is hope, and joy, and peace. And that is an unshifting, firm foundation amidst the chaos - which means that, through anything, through all things, I can have hope. And, when I remember that, I do. I can forget, sometimes, and lose hope. But that isn't because he's changed - it's because I've changed my focus.

I'm not intending for this to be preachy. I just recognise that in this time, there are many people that are struggling. And I want to help.
We might be feeling alone - but we are going through this together, as the human race. This affects all of us (provided you don't happen to live in a bunker). And so we need to get through it together, though it might seem to be separating us. Together, we have hope. Together, we can make it. Let's support each other, let's help to keep each other hopeful. There is light at the end of this tunnel, and it's not just the train.
I'm still believing in a bright future. Perhaps more so than before. I hope that you will join me.

Lessons from the Crucible.

About a year ago, I was in the middle of directing a play called The Crucible. It's one that I had wanted to do for a long, long time, and there had been a lot of work leading up to it. But I wasn't ready.

The show looked incredible on stage, thanks to a wonderful cast and some great crew. But behind the scenes, there was a lot of mess. And most of it, I didn't know how to deal with. 

I'm not writing this post with the intent to blame anyone. I think we did what we could with the situation we had, and the tools at our disposal, and things turned out okay.

What I want to do, rather, is think about the lessons I learned from that experience. What to do, what not to do - whether these points are for future me, or for another arising director, hopefully my trial by fire will be of some use. 

Lesson #1 - Get Help. 

I meant to do this. I planned to do this. But I really didn't.

As a director, the jobs that can fall to you are many and varied, and will change depending on the production you're in, the team you have, and what theatre group it's being done by. But there can be a lot to do. 

And I can almost guarantee that there will be things that you need to get done, that you won't be good at. Or that you won't have time for. And this is where you need to get help. 

When you start off, being the director, you get to assemble your team. Get more people than you need. At least two or three more. Because undoubtedly, things will happen, and suddenly this person won't be available, or something will pop up that's urgent and/or important - and you'll need those extra people. 

Get extra people on board early on, and delegate jobs that you don't feel able to do or don't have time for. Ask for help from people if you need it, help isn't a dirty word. We need to use it more often. 

Don't get to the point where one person has three jobs, and another has two, and you've got at least six. That's not sustainable.

Share the load.

Lesson #2 - Communicate Everything. Twice. 

This one bit me on the bum a few times, that's for sure.

As the director, you have a million things going through your head. It's all planned out inside, and it all looks perfect and beautiful and amazing, and it all slots together like you wouldn't believe.

But if you don't get those ideas in your head to people that are outside your head, things are going to go nowhere fast. 

You can often think that you've already communicated things somehow, or that it will be obvious, because it's obvious to you.

But you've been studying this script, this show, for weeks, months, even years - they haven't (usually). And so what's obvious to you won't be to others.

Sometimes, you'll have communicated something quite early on in the piece, and expect people to remember it later on - don't bank on those expectations.

Communicate effectively, efficiently, and often, to everyone. 

Lesson #3 - People Are Precious.

In multiple ways. Some good, some less so.

The backstage drama in theatre productions is almost legendary. Actors and their egos, right?

One of my main goals going into The Crucible was that we wouldn't have any actors leaving partway through. And, thank goodness, we managed that, though possibly by the skin of our teeth. 

But the more important goal was that it would be something that people would enjoy, have fun with. That we'd have a great vibe together, and there would be good camaraderie between cast members and the crew.

And while we had that to some degree, it was nowhere near what I remember experiencing in other productions. We didn't get together after shows. We didn't have an afterparty. There weren't really speeches, or awards, or anything like that. A couple of people would show interest - but we were never able to make anything work.

I find it difficult to put my finger on exactly why that was. There's a lot that I still don't know about all that happened, because a lot of things were being communicated between others or in channels that I wasn't a part of.  Chances are, it was probably a few things. Differences of opinion, clashing personalities, just plain old being busy - we had all of that and more. But whatever it was, it was hard. Seeing some friendships that sparked up from The Crucible continuing until now, and many of the actors going on to do other great shows, has been encouraging. But it would have been great to get it right the first time.

The show is important, yes. And breaking even is important, sure. But people are precious. Relationships are precious. Put in the hard yards to keep the ones you have good. 

Lesson #4 - Start Clear. 

It will get murky later. So start clearer.

I'm not good at having things set in stone. I like things flexible, moving, malleable, particularly when I'm being creative. I can be very "pie in the sky" kind of thinking.

But that's not always helpful when you're working on something concrete. And real. That needs a specific outcome. And that messed things up for us something crazy.

In addition to this, we had a lot of voices contributing to making The Crucible, even just from a directorial standpoint. And that's what I wanted, because I was inexperienced, and knew I needed help and input from others. 

But, as you can imagine, that very quickly resulted in conflicting ideas, and confused actors. Whose instructions do I follow? Which one is right? Who do I listen to? I had wanted to avoid a bottleneck where all suggestions needed to come through me, because I knew that would be both annoying for people, and also very slow.

But what I should have done at the start was establish a very clear framework that I was working within. Giving people a clear picture - or as clear as I could manage - that they could draw from and work within. 

The picture that I gave them was very murky; and the framework that I established was very loose. I shouldn't have been surprised when things started falling down.

So start clear. Crystal clear, as much as you can. Because things always get murkier. 

Lesson #5 - Be On The Same Page. 

Or you won't be doing the same show.

I remember when I asked my assistant director to come on board, and the first meeting we had. It was quite strange, because many years before, he had been my director in my year 6 musical. I'd been the Devil! We'd both changed a bit since then. 

I remember thinking that he'd be perfect for the job, and that there wasn't anyone else I'd rather have with me. But I also remember really not communicating well with him about what I expected of him in his role. I wasn't really sure what it would look like, more than supporting me in my role. 

It turned out that it looked like taking one group of the cast while I would work with another group (The Crucible is a big play - over twenty in the cast, which made things that much more challenging); helping to build and plan out much of the set; and being the stage manager, because we never ended up finding someone for that position.

He did an incredible job, but I never spent the time with him that I should have, communicating (yes, that again!) my vision and ideas across to him, so that he could direct effectively and faithfully to that vision. Recently, I've started a minor role in another production - and that director and assistant director have been meeting once a week for months in advance, talking through every aspect of the show and having it all planned out. And our show was a fair bit bigger (in terms of cast size) than this one. I should have been doing that even more, but I didn't. And it showed.

Get on the same page with your core team. Or the direction you give will be all over the place. 

Lesson #6 - Be Healthy. 

Or the show won't be.

It's somewhat ironic, me suggesting this. I'm still not healthy, and I don't know if I ever have been, or will be. I'm not just talking about physical health, though - I'm talking about mental health, emotional health, psychological health. A structure will fail at its weakest point, and if that's you, it's going to fall like a house of cards. 

I wasn't in a healthy mental space during at least part of the time I was working on the show. Part of that was potentially because of the show, towards the latter end; but it was due to other things too. And again, I didn't get the help I needed, not until much later. 

And that affected the show, because it affected the amount of energy that I could put into it. There were days that I just wasn't able to do much at all - but where there was an expectation and need for me to do things, sometimes even quite small things. And I didn't do them. And that had an affect, that was felt by everyone. 

Not everyone on the team knew that I wasn't doing well. It's quite possible that they could read this now and only just find out. I didn't communicate that to people, and perhaps I should have. Perhaps I was afraid they would take the show off me. In a sense, they did, towards the end. Like I said, it was all rather dramatic. 

There were even brief times, near the end, where I contemplated giving up, and leaving it. Because it felt like too much. I don't know if I could have, but the thought certainly entered my mind. 

Thankfully, though, I didn't. I persevered until the end, but my word, it was a hard fight.

If you're going to direct a show, be healthy. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of everyone in the show. Because it will make it worse. Stress has a way of doing that. 

---------------

I think those are the main ones. It's been a long time now, and although time gives you perspective, it also helps you forget. Our memories are never perfect, and always quite biased. I've probably painted things here quite differently to how others would, and I'll acknowledge that.

If I were to give a last piece of advice - it would be to breathe. Whether a show is going well, or going terribly, it's just one show. It will fade, in time, and end. And there will be another, and another. We have a tendency to make mountains out of moments; but they are only moments. They, too, will pass.

So keep breathing. 

Life - Strange, Wonderful, and Heartbreaking

I haven't done a review in quite some time, but this needed one.

Over the last few months, I've been working through the game Life Is Strange; and following that, it's prequel, Life Is Strange: Before The Storm. The two games are story-driven RPGs (probably one of my favourite genres), each with female protagonists (something we need more of), and some really interesting mechanics. But more than that - great characters, writing, worldbuilding, sound, and art.

As a quick rundown of the games themselves - each one focusses on two main characters. The original has Max and Chloe, and the prequel has Chloe and Rachel. The first game has you playing as Max Caulfield, who you quickly discover has the power to rewind time - and thus, change it. But what will you change? Those are the choices that the game asks of you, and what it revolves around. Who will you trust? Who will you suspect? Who will you save? And why are these crazy events happening? It's a combination of adventure, mystery, and drama.
The prequel, Before The Storm, instead has you following the path of Chloe, as she navigates school life after the death of her father and the departure of her best friend Max. Chloe doesn't have any superpowers, so you only get one chance to make your choices this time! (Unless you cheat and go back to the previous save.) But the game still revolves around the choices you make, and how they affect you and the people around you.

Technically speaking, you've got some really interesting elements that each game plays with. First, there's the whole time rewind element, and figuring out how all of that works, which is quite an interesting process. Then there's an extra dimension where Max is a photographer, and so you're trying to go around and take these nice photos in each chapter of the story. Chloe, on the other hand, tries to argue her way through character interactions, and that's a mechanic that you have to learn as well; and she might not be a photographer, but she is a mean graffiti artist. The note of you having some choice in what the graffiti ends up being is a nice touch, and these graffiti and photo spots are great for completionists playing the game.
Art-wise, it's quite a beautiful game. There are a number of specific environments that you spend time in, and some that you'll come back to a number of times - but the game is good at making little changes each time to keep you interested. The menu is like a journal, which you actually have. And then, there are specific points in the game where you can't open it because of various physical restrictions - or perhaps your journal looks very different all of a sudden.
The music is a lovely underscore and background to what's happening. It's a wonderful combination of unobtrusive backdrop to the action, and also something that's at times directly referenced or chosen by the characters.
The only issue that came up for me with the game was in the original; the main way that you interact with items in the game is by clicking on them, and then dragging the mouse over to what you want to do (usually out of up to four options in the cardinal points). Depending on screen resolution, PC performance etc, this can get a little buggy at points and break you out of the immersive experience. Thankfuly, for the prequel, they elected instead to have you press W, A, S or D after clicking, which worked much better.

But the main player, by far and above, is the story. And that's what made me want to write this review, and get the prequel.
The story pulls you in very quickly. The game is played in chapters, each lasting about 1-2 hours (depending on how much of the detail you like to take in), and focusses on a couple of girls going through high school in America. (And, speaking as someone in Australia, it did a great job of reminding me why I'm glad I'm here rather than there.) It immerses you in the environment and the story fairly quickly. At the beginning of the story, I was making choices that I thought were honest - Max said that she might get in trouble, but I wasn't attached to her yet. Cut to half an hour later, and I was fully in her shoes.
The story is very good at going between light-hearted commentary and banter straight into heavy emotional gut-punches, so I wouldn't recommend it if you're not up for an emotional rollercoaster. But, it is a rollercoaster that is completely and totally worth it. It will leave you hurting, it may leave you shaking, it may cut you deeply - but it is also incredibly beautiful. It deals with issues like drug use, suicide, bullying, drinking, and even kidnapping and murder. It looks at difficult and deep emotional issues, makes you question the morality of the choices that you'll make (and perhaps even ones you've made in other games!), and make you wonder if this is really a "game", per se. It's not for the faint of heart, and it's not for people looking for an action-packed thriller. This is an intense emotional experience, but also an evolving story that you have a part in constructing.
The prequel fills in much of the backstory, and helps you understand the character of Chloe so much more - and also introduces you to the person you heard so much about, but never met, Rachel. Again, be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster - right until the very end. This game really doesn't pull any punches at all.

Parents - this game could be a great way to talk to your kids about a whole range of issues, experiences, and problems, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone below 13; and would probably say that 15 up would be better. But this is really going to depend on your kids and their maturity, and what they're dealing with. I'd definitely encourage you to go through the game yourself in advance, just to get an idea of what's coming, so that you can have a better idea of whether it's right for your child.

But I really can't recommend this game enough. If you love story, if you love RPGs that care about choices, if you love a bit of difficult morality and art that doesn't shy away from difficult issues, if you're okay with being taken on an emotional rollercoaster - then this is for you.

On Provision.

I'm currently on my honeymoon, and so you'd think I'd have better things to do than this. But I like writing, so there.

I've been reflecting recently on the tension between God's provision, and God's calling.

The Bible is quite clear, in numerous places, about how we should trust in God to provide for us, rather than worrying about it ourselves. The classic verse is when Jesus is talking to his disciples, in Matthew I believe, using illustrations of the sparrows and the lilies, and how we are more important to God than them, and so he will take care of us in greater ways when we trust in him.

The Bible is also clear on how we should follow where God leads, or calls us to go. That we are called to do his work, each in different areas and ways, but each following him. 

I've never found it too difficult to know the things God wants me to do. Which of the things can be rather more difficult, because there seems to be a bit of a list. He's given me many gifts. But working out the provision side of things I've always found more difficult. 

I've pretty much always had enough to get by, and I've mostly been okay with that, though I've certainly had stressful times. But making that call for yourself, as I mentioned in my last post (or the one before? not sure), is rather different to making that call for somebody else as well.

Generally speaking, I've found that the work that I need to do to get the money I need to get by in life gets in the way of the things I feel God has called me to do. (I should note - these aren't things that are just a slight pull or hunch in one direction, but something that God has consistently brought up with me over time.) Sometimes, that's because of the decreased time I have. Sometimes, it's because of the decreased energy I have. Sometimes, it's because work taxes me rather more than it probably should (for the sort of work I do), and doesn't leave me with much for anything else.

Many times, that has meant that things that I have felt God has called me to do - sometimes, feeling like an urgent call - are put on the backburner. And often left there. Sometimes for years. And in the meantime, though God still has me doing bits and pieces, and learning as I go, it can feel a bit - empty. Like it has little meaning or substance, and that I'm just going around in circles. 

But, am I to take the Bible's verses about provision to mean that I should leave whatever work I have, to instead pursue what God has called me to do, trusting that he will provide for me? None of the things he has called me to do provide a reasonable or reliable income, if any all. Or is that a bad reading of the Bible, and the work I have now is his provision, and I need to be patient for these other things I feel God calling me to do? 

It's difficult to know. For the record, there are three times when I've finished up with work because I felt like it's what God wanted me to do. The first was at the end of 2013, perhaps the hardest year of my life, when I was doing work that I loved but that was killing me slowly. I ended up doing Impart (a Bible college course for young adults done in short bursts, focussing on spiritual growth and leadership) the following year. The second was at the end of 2016, when God was calling me to finish up with everything I was doing at the time, and step into something new. That eventually led to me leading the music at the church I'm at now, and meeting my future wife. The third was early last year, where I was going further and further downhill in my mental health, and needed to take a break to try and take care of myself. I tried - but still ended up getting worse. Seeing a psychologist helped. When I went back to work, things got better for a bit - and then started to go down before long again.

Each time has been both stressful and helpful in its own way, and the latter two resulted in me needing to move back home again. And each was, strangely enough, quite tight financially. But God got me through. 

But, I come back to the core question. If we have a specific - not just general, but specific - calling or leading on our lives, do we just dive into that fully, trusting that God will provide? Is that what trust and faith in him are supposed to look like, or is that being irresponsible towards your partner and family, and not thinking things through? What does God ask of us? Perhaps, as with many things, it depends on circumstances. But it always seems so murky to me. 

2020, and beyond.

We're now pretty solidly into the new year. Usually, I would have done some sort of new year post by now, but things have been pretty crazy, what with a wedding coming up on Saturday and all.....mine, that is, for those not in the know! But yeah, it's 2020. (insert mandatory vision-related pun here)

And yeah, I'm getting married in two days. In hours, it's.....41 hours, as of when I write this. I believe I introduced my wife-to-be at some point to you bloggers - if you've missed the ball, her name is Thalia (pronounced the same as Tahlia, it's Greek), and she's lovely (but I'm not biased at all). After we get married, we're heading down to Tasmania for about two weeks for our honeymoon. Pretty much everything is organised, thankfully (you'd hope so, two days out!) - though it has been a bit last-minute with some things. But everything is paid for, we have a house to live in (which is also really lovely), and honeymoon is organised (well, car, flights, and place we're staying are organised - we don't really have a strict itinerary).

After we get back, though, things will be rather different. Both of us have moved out of home before, but not into the same room as somebody else. Certainly not into the same bed as somebody else! The last time I was regularly sharing a room was 2007. I have shared a bed occasionally, but not often. It's going to be a fairly new experience for both of us. Then there's a new house to get used to - and sort through (we have a lot of stuff) - and jobs to get back to (yay!). Life likes putting lots of big things together.

We have some ideas about what life together could look like, and a fair bit of it we've talked through with each other and with friends and such. We've done premarital counselling as well, which was very helpful. But really, we're going to be making it up as we go. There are a lot of unknowns, and a lot of things that we're not sure about. Things that we'll have to find out when we get there. The future is murky, just like our view of the first sunrise of the year was.

For myself, I have work. And beyond that? I don't know. There are many things that I could do, or that I might want to do, or that I have ideas about. But it can be hard knowing which of them I might be able to do, or which I should do. Bit of a constant issue I've had, really. For Thalia, she'll be able to start casual teaching soon (well, half-way through the year), which she's looking forward to doing. She's also got a big prac coming up, which is going to stretch us thin pretty early. But it will be a good strength test, so to speak.

It might be 2020, but our vision certainly isn't. (Heheh....I got there) But that's okay. We don't journey alone, and our Father sees all of it ahead of time. He'll reveal the steps as we go.