Changing Views and a Crucial Question

It's interesting how your views and ideas change over time. Good, because it would be kind of idiotic otherwise. Or incredible that you managed to figure out the right ones first up. But interesting.

One example that has struck me recently is the issue of Christians being in a relationship with non-Christians. When I was in high school/earlier on at uni, it wasn't really something I thought about much. When I did, I thought that it was probably better Christians being with Christians, but it wasn't a major deal or anything.

Then, of course, it had to become a major deal for me, didn't it? When it went from being a question about other people to a question about myself, it rather changed things. I had to think about it and mull over it a fair bit, but in the end, decided that if I'm going to be looking towards spending the rest of my life with someone (which, for me, is always what a relationship is about), then I need to be able to be sharing God with them, growing in my relationship together with them. Not trying to hide God from them, attempting to not talk about him or his impact in my life. Because it's not like it's just one room in your house that you can close a door on now and then - he is the very foundation and fabric of the house, he is in all of it. He is in all of my life. That's not something I can hide from people, particularly if I'm spending that much time with them. So I made the call that, for me, I need to be with someone who loves God.

But these days, I'd go a step further. I would say that, if you're in a relationship with someone (or thinking about/planning to be in a relationship with someone), and you're a Christian, you need to ask yourself a super-duper crucial question.

Is this person drawing me closer to, or further away, from God?

And I know, I know, God's everywhere, so we're not really getting closer or further away, etc. But you get what I'm saying. Do they help you grow in your walk with God? Or do they slow it down, interrupt it? Get between you and God, even in subtle ways?

Because the thing is, there isn't any neutral ground. There aren't neutral people. Every person is either going to be strengthening your relationship with God, or weakening it. Quite possibly both, at different times. Certainly happens. But in general, you can usually get a sense of which is the norm overall. And in most friendships, it's okay to have bits of both, as long as you've got some good strengtheners that you can always hold on to. God calls us to go out an be amongst people. If we're just sheep amongst sheep, we're doing something wrong.

But when you're talking about someone that you're wanting to spend the rest of your life with - that needs to be someone that is going to strengthen your relationship with God. No buts about it. If you're going to be married to someone - that needs to be someone that you can grow together in your relationship with God with, that will strengthen you and challenge you, and that you can do the same for. If that's not the case - then there's an issue there.

So I challenge you to ask this question, if you're in a relationship, or thinking about it. Ask God to help you be discerning, not just making a snap judgement. If they are strengthening your relationship with God - great! But if not - then if you're not in a relationship with them, look somewhere else. If you are; then try to discern if they can change. If God can change them into someone who will strengthen you, rather than weaken you. If that's not the case - then maybe you need to be somewhere else. It's a hard call to make, but maybe it's one you'll need to.

At the same time, take all of this with a pinch of salt. I don't know your situation, what's happening with you, and it's not really something I've been in the middle of myself in quite the same way as others have. But I think it's something important to think about, regardless. So do ask the question.

What Ifs.

I try to make a point not to think about what ifs. What if it had gone like this, what if this hadn't happened, what if I had done that. Because it doesn't help. That's not what happened, and you can't change that. The only thing that you can change is your future - through what you do, right now. This current and exact moment that you live in. I believe that quite strongly, and I try to follow that in what I do and think.

But it's hard. Particularly because I have a rather vivid and overactive imagination, that loves to fantasise and escape. That wishes this and wonders about that. Considers how life might have changed if I'd talked to that girl, and been a bit brave. Or thinks about what my life might look like if I had just settled for whoever at some point. Because I'll be able to make it work out, right? I think they're all beautiful, so anyone's fine, right?

Of course, strangely enough, that doesn't particularly help. I believe I've talked before about how the more time you spend on something, the more energy you give it, the bigger it gets. That's true for emotions; for ideas; for habits, good and bad.

I think I put rather too much energy in the "what if" of being in a romantic relationship, particularly because God's said that's not where I'm supposed to be at right now. That's not where he wants me focussing, spending my energy. Unfortunately, I've become rather set in those ways. It's hard to get out of a habit that you've had for....ten years. Wow. *sighs* Okay, that hit me a bit.

Ten years ago, by the way, is when I usually say I fell in love for the first time. It's rather a hard thing to measure, funnily enough, but me being me, I've certainly given it a darn good try. There are times before that when things happened - but that's usually when I say I first fell in love. People that have known me for that long, don't try to spend too long on the maths. It won't get you that far. I knew a lot of people back then, even when I was only fourteen. (Fourteen and in year ten. Not too bad.)

The point I mentioned before about time and energy is actually something that also comes from brain science. When you think about something, or do something, that fires up a particular neuron pathway in your brain. The more you think about it, or do it, the easier it is for that pathway to get fired up. Think if it like a road. The more a road is used - more traffic is on it - the bigger they need to make the road. One lane turns into two lanes, three, more, you get a highway eventually. You get the picture. I feel like the song Life Is A Highway is rather apt here. Only the classics!

A lot of my highways, though, are around emotion, and particularly romance. For rather a long time, it's consumed most of my time and energy. I'll either be thinking about who I'm interested in at the moment, or about who I could be (I try to stop my brain from going there too much, or it easily gets rather calculating), or about what I could do when I'm in a relationship (already so many ideas....), up to even planning my wedding (I've had ideas about location, groomsmen, and music for several years).

And, in many senses, that's not particularly surprising. I am a Four, after all. (Click here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.) But it's not particularly healthy, to put it rather mildly. Of course, I'm probably not writing this at the best time. (Though that may depend on how you define 'best' in this instance.) I tend to be at my best in the morning, most alert and functioning and positive, and gradually get moodier, more melancholic and emotional as it goes towards the evening. So maybe I should've written this in the morning. But I don't really do this sort of writing in the morning. That's much more - cerebral. I mean, I'm still thinking a lot now. Brain still goes at a million miles an hour. Just more - muddy, I guess. Less clear. Anyway.

I don't really have an easy answer, strangely enough. You don't get a lot of those. But, I think - slowly - I may actually be getting somewhere. And I think that prayer is the key. Just finished Max Lucado's Before Amen. Certainly recommend, about the power and importance of prayer. So trying to be more intentional about praying a few times each day, thanking God for things regularly, asking God for help more. Having it as my natural reaction to anything happening that I take it to God. I think that's a good habit to make.

Anyway. I think I've written more than enough already. There's probably some interesting things in there for you, whoever you may happen to be, dear reader. And if you do think so, keep an eye out for next time. There's always a next time. Well, always but one.

The Last Night.

I got home quite late last night, and realised that this would've been about the time that Jesus was on trial with the Sanhedrin. It got me thinking about the events of that evening. Below are three little snippets, of a similar space in time, but each from a different point of view.
NB: these are completely fictionalised, and not meant to be an accurate representation of what happened, nor will they necessarily perfectly align with what is written in the gospels. Give me a little creative license. They're meant to provoke thought and to see this in a different light.

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It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I knew that I needed to do something. Jesus was - out of control. Driving people out of the temple? Saying that it would be destroyed? Even coming back to Jerusalem - when the people here had tried to stone him before. Something had to be done.
So I talked to the priests, and they said they could help me. I didn't want them to hurt him....I didn't want them to hurt him....
I told them not to send soldiers with me. I said it was pointless, we never had any weapons. But they insisted. I should have left then. But instead, I led them to him, a wolf in amongst the sheep....
And a kiss. Betraying him - with a kiss. I can't forget how he looked at me. Like he knew. He knew. But how? How?
It all went so wrong from there. They took him and beat him, imprisoned him - this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I meant to happen! But then, what did I expect?
I threw their dirty money back at them. It felt like a dead weight in my hands. Each footstep felt like a struggle. I wept openly. What had I done?
I couldn't bear it. I couldn't look at him. He....he saw right through me. I had to escape. To escape this anguish and misery. To give myself what I deserved for this. I knew where they would take him now. To his death. It will be mine as well.

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It wasn't supposed to be like this.

We had just marched victoriously into Jerusalem, triumphant, secret no more, people finally seeing Jesus for who he was. They finally got it. We had been hiding and running from town to town for so long - but now, we were here, in Jerusalem, announcing our arrival! We felt like kings. We did feel a little scared at first, because we knew that the people hadn't received Jesus so well there before - but we didn't need to be. They were laying down their cloaks, waving palm branches, shouting praises to Jesus.
And then we celebrated the Passover with him - and he said it was going to be our last meal together. We didn't understand - where was he going? And then he said that one of us would betray him - and that we would all leave him. I told him emphatically, that I never would. That I would stand by him until the end. How could I have known what was going to happen?
Later that evening, everything changed. Men came in with swords and clubs, led by that dog Judas, and arrested Jesus. We ran. All of us. We feared for our lives. But I tried to follow them at a distance, to see what would happen to Jesus. They took him into the house of the high priest, and a few others started a fire outside to keep themselves warm. It seemed it would be a long night. It was quite cold, and so I drew a little closer to the fire. One of the serving girls spotted me, and declared, "You were with that man Jesus!" They had just arrested him. I still feared for my life. The response was instinctual. "I don't know him." I tried to hide myself. A little while later, someone else accused me, but I was again too scared. I denied it. A third time, just as Jesus was coming out, another spoke to me, saying, "Certainly, you were with him. You are from Galilee." I exclaimed in panic, "I don't know what you are talking about!" The rooster crowed. Jesus turned and looked at me. Or rather, looked through me. How could he have known?
I ran, and I wept. I had abandoned my closest friend. How could I look on his face? How could I stand his gaze?

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It happened just as my Father said.

I drew my brothers together for a final meal. They still did not understand, but they could sense the importance of the occasion. I shared the bread and wine with them for the last time. I sent Judas, whom I loved, to do what he must. Then I told them what I had known since I first saw them - that they would leave me, at the end. Peter, of course, headstrong as he is, said that he would always stand with me, even if everyone left. I looked at him sadly, for I knew the truth. "You will deny me three times, Peter."
We went to Gethsemane. I have always loved the place, and I needed some time to be with my Father. I knew what I must do - but I needed his strength, that night. They were many long hours. I was glad of the company of the three beside me, even if they could barely keep their eyes open. I prayed fervently, for my flesh was weak. I knew what lay before me, and part of me was scared. But my Father gave me strength.
Then he came, with the crowd. So much noise. I think they expected a fight, with all the weapons they brought. Everyone else ran when I went with them.
They took me to the high priest, who questioned me, and insulted me. I stayed silent. Everything was already decided. I knew that, even as he was speaking, Peter was just outside, denying me; Judas, running away. My heart ached for them.
They led me back outside, and I saw Peter for the last time. It broke him. Forgive him, Father. He does not yet understand. But soon, he will.

It is only Friday. And the sun has not yet risen.

Incomprehensible Beauty.

I came across this quote recently, and I absolutely love it.

"I believe the world is incomprehensibly beautiful - an endless prospect of magic and wonder." - Ansel Adams

And it got me thinking a little. Because I completely agree with this line, which is why I love it so much. It just expresses what I already think in such a lovely way. Everything that I see, I see it in a lens of beauty and wonder. Rather than every cloud having a silver lining, it's seeing every cloud as silver, with a grey lining. Or something like it.

But most people don't see the world that way. Particularly these days - there is so much that people can be afraid of, get frightened by. So much that people see sorrow and loss and heartbreak in. And that's true - but they get so swept up by this that they don't see the beauty, and the wonder, and the incredible things that are still here. They don't see the magic that is present in every moment.

And I guess that's something that I want to help people see. I want to help people to see the beauty and wonder in this world, even while everything seems to be crashing down. In the eternal words of Samwise Gamgee;

"But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something....That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for." - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

I'mma just leave this here, to show off a little of the world's beauty. There are still a few stars shining yet.

Changing The Game.

Sorry, folks, this is going to be another emotional post. Well, not actually sorry. More just giving you a heads-up if you're tired of me posting that sort of thing. All good? Okay.

I've posted a few times before on here about having a season where I'm not pursuing anyone romantically. I've also posted on here a couple of times my thoughts on being single, notably here. And honestly, folks - I'm not doing well. I'm kind of an emotional wreck sometimes. I mean, I have good days and bad days, and I do realise that this is probably just a bad day. I guess I'm just being tossed around by the emotional tides rather a lot more than I'd like.

It doesn't help that there seems to be increasing pressure to be in a relationship, both internally and externally. I go to church - pretty much everyone my age (and younger, even) is in a serious relationship, or engaged/married (including my sister, now! Engaged, that is, not married. One thing at a time! But big congrats to her :) ). When I'm at home, if my family are around, I'm feeling pressure from my parents to be in a relationship; if I'm by myself, then I'm feeling shit because I'm alone. (Hopefully, I can move out before too long. Because it's healthier for me when I've got my own space/place. But kinda need money for that. Fun stuff.) Then I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time on the interwebs, particularly the good ol' book of faces, where I either see photos of people in relationships (oh yay) or photos of people that part of me would rather like to be in a relationship with (double yay). Not sure if I just happen to know an inordinate amount of beautiful people, or there's a lot of beautiful people in the world, or I just have low standards for 'beautiful'. Whatever.

At this point, you might be thinking - hey, it's not working, just stop. It's okay to be in a relationship, it's not a bad thing. Maybe that's what you need right now.
Problem is - as much as I hate to say it - that's probably the worst thing I could do right now. As much as part of me is aching to be in a relationship, I know that I am in a terrible emotional state to be in one; and it was just be a trainwreck for both parties involved. I don't wish that on anyone, particularly not anyone I care about.
Before I embark on a relationship - which I'm really, really, praying and hoping isn't in the too distant future - I need to be ready for that. And yes, I'm more ready now than I used to be. But I'm still not ready. I'm still not in the place that I need to be.

And, damn it, I want that to change. I want to be actually getting somewhere with this, not just turning over the same soil repeatedly, hoping for something to happen. So I'm going to be doing something a little bit radical, for me.
I'm going to be heading off Facebook for a while.
Not completely, because I use it for communication way too much. But from now on, I won't have it as one of my constantly-open tabs. I won't be going back to check it regularly, scrolling through my feed to see what new photos people are putting up. And, yes, I might miss a few things. But - I'm hoping - I might also gain a few things as well.

So, for a while, you won't really see me much on Facebook. If you do want to get my attention, feel free to send me a message or something, always happy to talk :) But I need some space to make this work. Because this is something that I can't afford to get wrong.

Living in the In-Between.

This is my post about this year. It's rather overdue.

Towards the end of last year, I was starting to wind up pretty much everything that I was involved with. Work and church being the big two, really. But I was pretty busy with a lot of things. Too many things. So God asked me to stop, and take some time. So that we could focus in on the important things. I talked about it a little in this post.
So, I finished up with everything, and I had my week away in the Blue Mountains. It was a really nice retreat time. Really relaxing, and a great time to draw closer to God.
But it didn't give me any clarity on the year ahead.

And so, because I had no work, I've been living at home again. Pretty much everything I have is now in the garage, because I never planned to be here for long at all. I thought I'd finish up with last year's stuff, then God would tell me where I was going this year, and then I'd go do that. Seemed like he has other plans.

At first, I was pretty uncomfortable with that. I didn't particularly enjoy the idea of living back at home for a while, when I'd put so much into moving out, and making that work for all of last year, even on so little. But I didn't have a lot of choice. I had no money, and no car. I wasn't planning to just couch-surf or sleep in the streets. So that's where I was, in the in-between place, wondering what on earth God had in store for me. I wasn't too happy with it all.

But God started showing me that - actually, this space is okay. My parents have been providing for me a bit - I help my little sister get ready in the mornings for school, and they pay me for that, which helps. And since I have time on my hands, I can focus a bit more on my own creative projects, like my albums, or writing a musical. (Yeah, I'm doing that, just casually.) Which has been really nice.

I do find the lack of work hard, though. I'm rather terrible at self-motivation a lot of the time, and so keeping myself busy is actually how I get things done. It's tricky when there's....not so much to get busy with. I mean, there is. I have so many projects I could work on, and there's plenty to do around the house. But when you actually have work to do for someone, it's a bit different. I did have an interview the other day that went quite well, but even if I did get that job, it wouldn't start until the end of next month. Which is rather farther away than I thought.

So yeah. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment. Having time is nice, in a way. But being terrible at self-motivation means that I wind up doing nothing too much of the time. And...yeah. Some work would be nice. Finding a job is annoying.

From horizontal to vertical.

At some point, I need to talk about this year. Because I haven't really done that yet. But that's for another post. This one is about tomorrow.

Tomorrow, for those of you who aren't aware/forgot/didn't want to be reminded, is Valentine's Day. I'm doing this post early for three reasons: firstly, because I feel like writing something; secondly, so that you can read it and process it before the day; and thirdly, to be a little nudge to the guys who have forgotten again.

I've done a couple of posts over the last year talking about how I'm in a season at the moment where God has asked me not to pursue anyone romantically, and the difficulties of that, and how I generally failed at it last year. Funnily enough, I'm continuing on with it this year. Not because I'm a sucker for punishment, but because this is important. And I want to get somewhere with it. Yes, part of me wants to be in a relationship. But I don't want to be if I'm not ready for it - because that's just going to make things worse for both of us (whoever the other person happens to be).

And, as I talked about in the second post I linked back there that I did at the end of last year, it's not about just trying to stop. Because that really never works. With anything. Seriously. Rather, it's about refocussing, and doing something better. Going from the horizontal - person-to-person - to vertical - person-to-God. Which is weird, and hard. But I'm getting there. And it doesn't mean not connecting with people. If anything, it means the opposite! We are, after all, the image of God - if you want to see and understand God, and know what he's like, look at people. Of course, there are issues with that, because we're rather changeable and flawed. But God rather likes working through that anyway, and doing incredible things there. Over the last six days, I had catch-ups with people every day - most of which were spontaneous, people getting in touch with me and wanting to catch up, which is crazy, because that basically never happens for me.

But I think God is trying to show me something through that. Reminding me that when I am loving people - I am loving him. That each person is precious to him. That I am precious to him, and loved by him incredibly. And the more that I dive into that, and embrace that - the less that I feel the need to have a romantic relationship with someone. Oh, it's still there, he isn't done with me yet. But slowly - slowly - I'm getting there.

So for the couples tomorrow - have a great time, but also remember that God romanced you first. And for those singles out there - don't get too down. Because there is one who romances you like you wouldn't believe. He knows your name, and will always chase after you. Always.

Not in La La Land.

The other evening, I went to see La La Land. I had pretty high hopes for it going in. It had been recommended by a number of friends, and also by Adam Savage (whom I hold a lot of respect for), and had been nominated for a heck of a lot of awards. I wasn't let down in the slightest.

This movie is beautifully done in so many different ways. The way it is shot is reminiscent of films from an older time, particularly the song sequences. There are so many little nods here and there to various older works and tropes - yet also, to the modern-day world. The characters are loveable, yet flawed. The story is the classic of dream vs reality. And also - which dream? The career dream, or the relationship dream? All those questions are asked, and sometimes answered, sometimes not. But it takes you for a beautiful ride along the way.

But, most of all, the music is amazing. Incredible. Fantastic. Justin Hurwitz (composer) has done a beautiful job, as have Benj Pasek and Justin Paul with the lyrics. You will have Mia and Sebastian's theme stuck in your head from the start, and the little times that earlier songs are reprised instrumentally in the background is masterfully done. If you see it a second time, you may find yourself singing along to a few of the songs - which were all written for the movie!

If you haven't yet seen this movie, do yourself a favour. Go and see it.

A word of warning, however - the ending may take you by surprise, and is my only gripe with the movie. I see why they did it the way they did; but it does seem to end rather suddenly. But that's my thoughts!

Being Aussie.

Well. We've got Australia Day coming up. There's always a bit of discussion about whether we should be celebrating Australia on this day or not, but I thought I'd talk about something else in this post. Basically, the phrase, "That's just un-Australian." Usually applied to someone who perhaps, isn't fond of meat pies, or isn't much of a swimmer, or doesn't drink beer, or doesn't watch AFL or State of Origin, or isn't a big 'snag on the barbie' fan.

And there are some - well, many, really - people who can get quite passionate about this. Who will really take a bit of offence if you call yourself Australian, but haven't had pavlova. But really - all these things don't actually matter that much. And to me, really don't define what being an Australian is. It's not about shortening every second word, or cussing like a sailor, or having an accent as broad as the Nullarbor.

But there are, to me, a few things that do define being Australian.
Firstly - sharing. "For those who've come across the seas, we've boundless plains to share." We have one of the most multicultural societies you'll see. And I think that's something to be insanely proud of, and something we should keep pushing to grow, not stamp out or be afraid of.
Secondly - friendship. Being there for your mates, your friends, is something distinctly Aussie and awesome. Let's keep doing that.
Thirdly - comedy. We love to laugh. Even though I'll admit we're as likely to laugh at you as with you (which is something to work on), we do it with a good heart. We're good at still being able to have a laugh in the worst of things, and that's pretty great.
Fourthly - stories. We are a nation of stories and storytellers; and this goes back long beyond us whitefolk. We're not the first folks here by a long shot! So many tribes and tongues have been telling stories under these stars for thousands of years before we got here.
Fifthly - freedom. As much as we'll complain about this or that, there are so many freedoms that we have in this country, and opportunities that would be impossible anywhere else.

I think these are things to celebrate, and perpetuate, much more than beer and meat pies. I think these are things that anyone can understand and connect to, and things that I love about this country. And I hope that these will stay true for many a year to come. These are what it really means to be Aussie.

On Lateness, and Wasting Today.

As in, the late Dent Arthur Dent. Okay, bad joke. Had to attempt to start this off with something light.

I've just heard that my cousin has died.

I didn't know him that well. He lived on the other side of Australia, and we typically went over every second Christmas. This Christmas was one of those, and everyone went over. Except me. I stayed back, because I had my week-long retreat straight after Christmas, and wanted to focus on that. I can't even remember the last time that I saw him. He was about my age.

My experience with funerals and death has been very minimal, particularly compared to what most people my age would know. When I was a fair bit younger, I went to the funeral of my great-grandmother. (I still have one alive. She's quite a fighter.) I was young, and didn't know her much, or understand it that much. A few years later, our dog died. That was pretty sad. The only other time I went to a funeral in the family was for my uncle's Dad, whom I had never met or known before then. More recently, I went to the funeral for a friend's Dad - I knew the friend very well, and their Dad a bit. That was a little closer to home, but still, rather different. So this is - yeah. Kinda my first experience with this. I haven't ever had a friend die before, to know what it's like having someone pass away who's about your age. It hits you pretty hard.

Of course, things keep going through your head. Wishing I had known him better. Wishing that I had chosen to go over for Christmas, had a chance to see him. And then, wondering about how short and sudden life can be. Because it is. There isn't any certainty of tomorrow, for anyone, no matter what your circumstances.

I think that's the thing hitting me most at the moment. Because I tend to dream big - think about things that unfold over years and longer, think about how one day this or that might happen, and my 'big chance' might come around. (Typical Four.) But I think this really says to me that that needs to change. It doesn't mean that I can't dream big - but it means that I need to start acting in today, not tomorrow. Because tomorrow might never come.

And so, each day, I want to try and do one thing. Just one thing - where I can go, if I died tomorrow, or tonight, I'm glad that I did this one thing. Whether it's something to help someone; to make the world a better place somehow; to start a snowball rolling - doing something. And right now, I don't really know what that's going to look like. But I know I need to make a change. Because right now, I'm too busy trying to live in tomorrow, and wasting today.

On a very different note. One thing that I am glad of, is that one day, I'll get a chance to see my cousin again. I don't know when that will be, or what that will look like. But I look forward to that day very much.