MMXIV.

Chances are, if you're reading this, it's already 2014. Unless you're just on top of this like butter and fish. Or something.

Anyway, wooo! Another year. I'm a bit down at the moment (maybe I should stop drinking the wine), but I am excited about the possibilities that this year holds. Impart, music, church - there are so many possibilities.
At the same time, I know this year will pose many challenges and difficulties. I already know that I'm going to face income issues, and there's a lot I don't know going into this year.

But I'm hoping - and I'm praying - and I'm trusting - that God knows what he's doing. And that he has a plan for me.

Welcome to the new year. I hope it's a great one for you.

Self-writing.

I've been encouraged by a good friend to get back into doing this a bit more. So I shall have a go.

I've recently been writing out my testimony, because I've been asked by my church to do it as part of a sermon series they do in January, called "Real Stories, Real Faith". Essentially, it's people from the congregation giving their testimonies.
Now, I've given my testimony before, but giving a 5 minute talk to a couple of dozen school kids you don't know is very different to doing a 20 minute talk in front of thirty or so that you do.

And it's been quite an interesting process trying to get it all down. I had an original plan, that I haven't been able to keep to, unfortunately. I had it planned out which topics I was going to talk on, and for how long - but it didn't work. It was much too long. So I had to cut one out. And I think it was a good decision; I had a good spot to end on, and it makes it more manageable.
As well as the fact that the topic I cut out was essentially this year, which I still don't quite understand. It's only really just finished; I haven't had time to process it all yet. And from past experience, its always taken me a while before I've really understood something's significance, on this scale. Maybe I'll understand it this time next year; maybe a bit further down the line. I don't know.

I think I find it very easy to become disconnected when I start talking about myself. I'm hoping that that won't be the case here. It certainly seemed to be that way when I practiced it first today (I only just finished writing it today), but I don't know. Maybe I just need to practice it more.
It's actually one of the reasons I've stopped writing out my communion speeches word for word - so that there is that element of emotion, that improvisation and creation in the moment, that I think people connect with. But it's a bit tricky to do that when you've got a 20 minute speech. I mean, you want me to just talk for twenty minutes about me - sure, I can do that. But with structure, and clear points and such, introduction and conclusion - not so much.

But yeah. I think it'll be good. But I don't really know. God does. He's teaching me to trust him at the moment.

If you're interested, it's at Campbelltown Church of Christ, 65 Woodhouse Drive Ambarvale, 5th January at 6pm. I think I have a couple of people coming, but I'm not expecting too many.

Something New.

I haven't posted for nearly a month now; sorry about that. I've been away for half of it. Been pretty busy.

I finished up my job for the year on Friday. The boss brought in some arcade game consoles and a pinball machine for us to play on, and took us out to lunch. I showed them a video I made about the company - I think they all really liked it. I worked a bit more on a forum as well - something I've been working on for them for a while now. It's pretty much been my project. Been working on it in my own time and all. Just because I enjoy it.

But yeah, next year. So I know some parts, but not that much. Boomerang are keeping me on as a casual, possibly with some office work here and there - depending on a few things. I've been accepted into Impart, a course run through these guys: http://www.freshhope.org.au/ It's looking to be pretty awesome. Essentially, it's doing most of a Diploma of Christian Ministries, but as an intensive with only a few other people, in a community focussed setting. I think it's going to be really good.

In terms of work, though, apart from what I've already mentioned - and even with that, I don't know how much I'll get - I have no idea. Because of a couple of things I'm acquiring, busking and gigging (for actual cash dollars) are now potentially viable, but I don't know if you could call that a reliable source of income/ Which is quite annoying, because I was hoping to move out next year. But good luck renting a place without having a steady income.

It also means that my giving to the church is going to be affected, which troubles me as well. Largely because our church is looking to employ a Youth Pastor, but at the moment they can't because of the lack of funding - funding being essentially straight from tithes and offerings. For all I know, my pay per week could be divided easily in half, maybe more. Casual work isn't fantastic pay, and when it's not consistent, it's a bit tricky to budget and such.

I think God is either trying to teach me a big lesson in trusting in him to work this stuff out, or he's trying to give me a big kick up the backside to find a decent job. No idea which. Admittedly, I haven't been trying as hard as I could be with the latter.

Whatever happens, 2014 is going to be a big year for me. And a good one, I think. But then, I said that at the end of last year, before my hardest year yet. I guess we'll see.

The best amongst the worst.

I've mentioned a few times about how this year has been quite difficult for me. But today has made me realise how much, amidst all of that, that I have to be thankful for.

I've grown and developed as a person.
I've grown closer to God.
I've been doing a job that has challenged me and been fun.
God has always helped me get through - there's always been friends, or family, or something that lifts me up and gets me through that little bit further.
I've had ideas about new projects that I do, things to keep me occupied.
God has helped me start to overcome challenges that I thought I never would.

And so many more things.

And the difficulties and challenges haven't ended; not by a long shot. But this is a time to be thankful, and remember.

On Doctor Who: Past, Present and Future...

Just in case you weren't aware, today (depending on where you are in the world) is the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Celebration! Which is pretty awesome.

I'm a bit of a Doctor Who fan. Got a few Doctor Who shirts, the bow tie, the screwdriver, the DVDs, and my birthday party is going to be partly Doctor Who-themed (the other partly is Harry Potter).
So I thought I'd reflect a bit on my Doctor Who experiences.

I started watching Doctor Who when Martha Jones entered the scene. I was hooked from the first episode, and since then I've seen all the episodes since, as well as most of those from the Ninth and Tenth Doctors. (Perhaps all; I've never gone through and checked.) We've also got the Five Doctors anniversary special that I've seen, but insofar, I haven't been able to get into Classic Who. Planning to watch the Doctor Who movie to see if I can ease my way in a bit.

And Doctor Who has changed, over the years. Gotten more current; gotten bigger; seen a fair few different people. There have been a lot of companions, all very different, all appealing to various sides of the Doctor. Some had the brains; others the heart; some, just that little bit of spark.

And to me, the most exciting season so far has been this most recent, with the Eleventh Doctor and Clara. The previous section with Amy and Rory just seemed to me to go a fraction too long, and almost started to get a bit self-indulgent. Characters seemed to be spouting the words "Doctor Who?" every second episode, and writers seemed to be just indulging the fanboy inside (Dinosaurs on a Spaceship was pretty much the perfect example of that).

But, since this new season, they seem to have grown a bit, matured. The Snowmen was a fantastic way to introduce the season, with an episode showing the Doctor very differently; quite a broken man. It also brought in a new TARDIS, which was much less curiosity-shop like and more just stunning. And it introduced Clara, a companion to match the Doctor's wit and character.

Since then, that relationship has blossomed amazingly, and has easily been the favourite that I've seen. And I'm quite disappointed that the Eleventh Doctor is finishing up, and that much of that context will be lost, or have a very different dynamic; but I'm hoping that these last two shows with the Eleventh will resolve much of that partnership, paving the way for the new Doctor to arrive.

I'm curiously eager to see how this new Doctor handles things; and very eager to watch the Day of the Doctor!

Will you #SaveTheDay?

Allusion to an illusion of elusion.

Heh. OK, that was partly just for fun.

But it's not just that. Been doing NaNoWriMo again (look it up if one of your friends hasn't been posting about it), and my story for this time round is called The Illusionist (working title, but currently doubt I'll think of something better).

I knew that when I started, the character was going to be based pretty heavily on me. The Illusionist was a character I came up with a while ago, as a sort of superhero-type person. He's not that in the story, though. No powers as such. But I almost made him up as something that I could dress up as for something or other. A kind of alter ego, I guess.

And it's somewhat ironic, I think. Because I am often known for playing my cards close to my chest; for being somewhat elusive when it comes to giving answers. Or not being straight about the answers given.

And then, more often than not, I burrow myself away in my own little world; some sort of urban hermit, a recluse amidst modern society. I seemingly run away from interaction and connection.

But I would call that an illusion.

More the case is a combination of things. Firstly, I'm not good at interaction and connection. Not the way I seem to be wired, if you want to put it that way. It tires me out and burns me up. Secondly, alone is safe. I've been that way for long enough. I know it pretty well. And though I wouldn't call myself either 'comfortable' or 'happy' with it, it's not risky, dangerous or unsafe. Sometimes, some interactions can seem that they might be like that. Thirdly, and probably more to the point - because those two are more like excuses - it reminds me of the people I want to be with, but all too often aren't. And it gets me down quite a bit. Also, if I'm honest with myself, another big reason I've found this year so hard. You're kind of around a lot of people a lot of the time.

But yeah. I'm not being alone all the time because I like it. It's just currently preferable.

And now, I believe that I have, in fact, alluded to my illusion of generally eluding the social sphere.

Thor-sty for more?

Yes, that's a terrible pun/wordplay. Get over it.

This last Friday, I went to see Thor: The Dark World. I'm a bit of a Marvel fan (as may have come across in my previous Marvel movie reviews), so I was slightly biased. I was also wondering how they would have it continue on from both Thor and The Avengers.

The result was quite refreshing, because they didn't focus unduly on events from The Avengers. They weren't ignored, and there were a couple of quick nods to it here and there (with a humourous - it might even be called a cameo, not sure - appearance from Capitan America [intentional misspell, reference to another movie, bonus points if you know which]), but the main force of the movie was very much on Thor and that backstory and history.

The story is quite different from the original Thor; this time, instead of him being a stranger in Earth, his girl (Jane Foster) is a stranger in his home. And all this is in relation to the Ether, a sort of energy from near the beginning of time relating to an almost mystical-type race called the Dark Elves. And now, the Ether has turned up, inhabiting Jane Foster's body.
Of course, then they discover that the Dark Elves are all too real, and their leader - who was the same one from eons back, now awoken from stasis - plans to use the Ether again to destroy the universe.

It's a very nice shift of focus from Earth to Asgard, and Asgardian history, as well as a look at the Nine Realms and how they interact. The Dark Elves are also a good new introduction, as is the Ether.

Parts of the film - to me at least - seem very reminiscent of Star Wars. I don't know whether it was Natalie Portman, or the phaser-like guns shooting red lasers, or the lightning swords seeming to remind me of lightsabers, or the sound effects from the guns and Dark Elves' ships that sounded very familiar to the corresponding Star Wars SFX. Or maybe it was just the long, flowy robes that the Asgardians seem to like wearing, and their large, columned buildings. Anyone else?

I must make a mention in this one also of a couple of other things that I found interesting. Firstly, one of the scenes near the beginning with the "gravitational anomaly" and the kids throwing things down the stair shaft to reappear at the top, then keep going through, getting a little faster each time - quite reminiscent of Portal.

Secondly, Loki was pretty awesome. May just be saying that because I appreciate a good, smart, somewhat humourous villain, but it was quite good seeing a bit of a change in that dynamic. Seeing him break down a little - or is it just another of his illusions? We see those develop a bit as well, which is also nice to see.

The visuals were also very good. I particularly appreciated the very clever design of the Dark Elves ships, and the physics of the portals was quite interesting.

Overall, I think this was a very good film. To be fair, I did see a couple of the twists coming; and if you've got a decent head on your shoulders, you probably will too. But it's forgivable for the general great story elements and visuals presented by this piece.

As a last note; if you do see the movie, don't forget to stay until after the first credits for the extra bit. I wonder which one this will be leading up to...

Complicated.

Wouldn't it be nice

If A led to B

And B led to C

(Perhaps then maybe back to A)

Then that was the end of the story?

But that isn't how it plays

It's a touch more complex, I'm afraid

Because it likes to stop off at K and J along the way

Invite two to T, or even maybe three

Stay in Q for a bit longer than you'd like

Find that X hits the spot

And that many roads lead to B - or not to be?

Y gets revisited continuously

And U can pop in now and then

(Or even W, if you like mirrors)

G, that's quite nice - 

And O, what a great place

Though V can leave you low

Misadventures to F occur regularly

H seems to set the bar

And a bit more Z is always required

Before we reach N

And it leaves us....

Wondering.....

Confused

Why next year will be different.

Hello again.

So I've managed to actually get around to doing this post, finally.

As I've mentioned once or twice, I've been working as a camp/Duke of Ed leader/guide through the course of this year. That has also included undertaking a Certificate III in Outdoor Recreation at TAFE.

Now, I could go over all the ins and outs of it, but I don't think that's what I need to do. It's an awesome job, and I don't want other people to be put off it by my own experiences.

But I'm going to give you the gist of it.

Like I said, I absolutely love doing what I'm doing. I get to see some amazing places, spend time with some great people, and help young guys and girls with this sort of thing. (Have a look at my post on Life Skills/Camp Skills for more on that.) I get to work outside and not get stuck in an office, keep active as part of my job, and keep learning and being challenged. And if people are thinking about having a go at something like this, I'd really encourage them to give it a look.

But.

I've got three passions in life. God, music/creativity, and people. Both people in general, and my friends and family.
Because of the vast amount of time and energy that my job demands, I can't give those three passions the time and energy that I really want to give them.

And for me, that's really hard.
I haven't been able to catch up with friends like I'd like to. I mean, I'm not exactly a social character, but I'd like to be able to keep in touch with people a bit more. And I really don't see my family as much as I'd like, and I live with them. And, being as old as I am (nearly 21), that time is probably diminishing fairly rapidly.
I haven't had a gig this whole year, and I've written a grand total of three songs. There have been times that I've written multiple songs in the space of a week. I haven't done any drama stuff this year either, and I haven't been able to write nearly as much (blog or otherwise) as I'd like.
And I haven't been able to get to Youth Group each week, or Bible study each week, or even church each week. And I haven't been able to help out at church to the degree that I really want to. And to me, even if music and people were OK, God is so vitally important that I can't compromise on that.

As such, I'm finishing up at the end of the year. I might be doing a bit of casual work here and there with them next year - a couple of camps that I've really enjoyed doing - but apart from that, I've started to look for other work. Nothing as yet. Facing the same challenge as last year, really.
Finding a somewhat flexible part-time job that isn't retail or fast food, you don't need experience or qualifications for, isn't heavy lifting/manual labour, isn't ages away, and pays more than peanuts (though I have worked for that before) is pretty tricky.

But yeah, that's where I'm at at present. Just to let you fellows know.

A Challenge To Change.

I've mentioned that next year is going to be a bit different. Why that is, is still another post away.

But I thought I'd write a bit about some of how it's going to be different, what I want to do differently. And some stuff that can't wait until next year.

A big bunch of it is just getting me back up to scratch, and then a bit extra. In many, many different things. Mentally, physically, creatively, you name it. Bits of it I'm getting from Redesign My Brain, a TV miniseries that's just started up on the ABC with Todd Sampson. Really good.
As such, I'm planning to do ten minutes of juggling practice (which helps with both your brain and creativity), ten minutes of brain training, a forty minute run, half an hour writing, and half an hour on music a day. Obviously at the moment a bit tricky, but when I'm not working, that's the plan. That adds up to two hours total just for this, an eighth of my waking hours (if I get my eight hours sleep).

But as well as that, I also want to keep up my relationship with God, and grow it as well. So reading a chapter of the Bible in the morning and the evening (evening specific, morning random), and set aside praying time after each. Also hoping to getting into having devotional/journal type thing happening soonish maybe.

And then there's other stuff as well that I'm wanting to do, like a daily blog post, maybe a weekly video/vlog, cooking regularly, as well as another bunch at my church. That last is worth another post again.

Next year, I'm hoping to have all of this happening. But I also know that the best way to start things is from yesterday. It's very easy to say that you'll start things in two weeks, or a month, or next year - but to get into it here and now, there's the challenge. Particularly when you know the obstacles you've got in front of you.

And some of these things are really important, and have really gotten quite lax this year, particularly where my head's at. So that's something I'm going to do my best to get into pretty much now.

Maybe next time, my post will say that I'm juggling like a pro ;)

Deja Vu.

Recently, I've been having a lot of instances where things have been happening that are eerily familiar, particularly to the end of last year. Been feeling a fair bit of that deja vu, I suppose you could say.

I've got a fair few friends that are finishing up year 12 this year, which is awesome. And they've all basically finished and done, bar their HSC, which is pretty cool. And I'm sure they're all going to do well for that :) Hopefully, after they're done, they'll feel a bit more relaxed and such. HSC tends to stress people a bit. Then they get to have heaps of time on their hands, muck around a bit, catch up with friends, before they launch themselves into uni/job/gap year/whatever they're thinking of. It's good. :)

Then I'm finding myself looking at jobs as well. (More on the reason for that in another post.) I can remember that all too well from last year. Not particularly fun. My theory; jobs fall into a few different categories: A. Not great pay, not great hours, menial tasks. B. Decent pay, OK hours, really hard to get into, want you to be interested long-term. C. Short-term job, starting immediately. D. Someone already has the job.
I haven't found my E. yet; OK hours, pay and work, that doesn't expect me to stay on for ages. Which is annoying. Ideally, I'd like something local as well (Campbelltown/Narellan/Camden area), but that might be a bit much to ask for.
I seem to be very picky when it comes to jobs. :P I won't do fast food stuff, can't do retail (terrible at selling things), can't do things that need fast pace, or is just the same menial task over and over, and I don't want to be locked in to a career path that I'm not really that interested in.
It probably also doesn't help that I'm not interested in money. But the world is, so that's how it is for now.

And I also find myself quite looking forward to this year. Admittedly....that was the case near the end of last year, and this year hasn't been exactly what I'd expected/hoped. (Again, for a later post.)
But, this time, I think I see a lot of possibility. I'm hoping to get involved more at church, perhaps join the Community Connections team, oversee Display, perhaps even run a Life Group, be more involved at Youth Group; write a lot more music, get back into gigging, get a couple of these projects that I've been thinking of happening; hopefully get back into drama as well, get involved in some musicals/plays, maybe even write one, like I've been thinking about for a while (got one play in the works, actually); and just get in touch with my friends and family a lot more, as well. I've really missed all of that, and I'm looking forward to getting back into it next year. And as well, just finding myself somewhat - I think I've lost a bit of where I should be at, on a few different levels, and that's something I'd really like to work at.

So yeah. Similar to last year in some ways, and perhaps a bit different in others. 21 in 54 days. Out on camp. Had my 18th birthday away from home as well. Tis interesting. Hopefully should be good. :)

Cacophonic Cancer.

I find writing difficult.

Not because I can't think of anything to write, but because of the opposite.

I have a million and one ideas buzzing through my brain, and I don't know which one to choose.

Where to start.

How to even get them to slow down enough to see one.

I've got a million posts I could write.

A thousand books.

Ten thousand songs.

A hundred plays.

A dozen dozen musicals.

A few hundred poems.

And I'd still have so much left, constantly churning, constantly growing and evolving.

Like a cacophonic cancer.

Drowning In It Part 2: Addiction.

Just in case you weren't aware, our world is ridiculously sexualised. You can't hide from it - it's on TV, in ads, radio, newspapers, the Internet, Facebook.

You go to the shops, and you're presented with larger-than-life images of lingerie models. One of the top books of recent times is 50 Shades of Grey. The TV show everyone seems to be watching is Game of Thrones. And that's not just adults watching it.

There's pretty much nothing to stop it, not at the level it's at. You see it everywhere, whether you're six, sixteen or twenty-six. You just don't process it the same way.

And yet, despite this sex-sodden society, people seem to be constantly surprised by the number of younger and younger people that are becoming addicted to pornography. And not just the softer stuff. 

There are some studies and questionnaires that have shown that in schools, at ages of 15 (and sometimes even less - going down to as low as 12), in a random group of 100 boys and girls, most of them will have seen pornography. Many of them not just a couple of times. 

Boys and girls in early high school are starting to have a sex vocabulary that is....alarming. Frightening. For more on that and a couple of the previous points, click the link at the bottom of this post when you're done. 

I was in the middle of all of this. I'd been raised by a Christian family, with Christian values and that sort of thing. And they did a fantastic job - they helped me to develop a lot of the gifts that I had, which have largely contributed to where I am today. 

But it also meant that I'd been in a bit of a bubble. Some of the words and the jokes that the other kids were using I didn't get, and I didn't want to get. And that part of me is still around. These days, he has to fight pretty hard. 

It was curiosity that started it. Nothing else. Just plain old, simple curiosity. Puberty hadn't really come along full ball (I was a bit of a late bloomer), and I'd only just started to notice those strange creatures that are girls. 

I was thirteen, and in year nine. It was early 2006.

I knew it was illegal. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it. And it's probably one of the worst decisions that I've ever made - one of the worst things that have happened to me. I'm still feeling the repercussions today - I'm not speaking as someone recovered, but someone very much still in over my head and struggling with this. 

But. In saying that. I am very thankful for a couple of things that I went in already knowing, from somewhere. I'm not really sure where, because I certainly didn't have anyone talking to me about this stuff. And I'm scared to think of where I'd be without these. 

1. It's not real. No matter how real it looks, or sounds, or seems, it's not. It seems real because the best lies have grains of truth in them. But they've been so perverted and twisted that it's unrecognisable. 

2. People are not objects. Never, ever, ever. You even begin to start to say that they might be, and I might need to stop myself from punching you. 

3. Never put money into it. If you're at that stage, it becomes a lot harder to get out. In this monetarily-crazed world, people like to protect their investments. 

There are too many people that have gone into porn without knowing these points, particularly the first two. And they start believing it. They believe that that's the way it's supposed to be - that it's always picture perfect. Porn sex becomes their idea of real sex. 

And, perhaps worse, they start to objectify people. They use them up and throw them out, to be recycled by somebody else.

At this point, I'm really hoping that this is making you as angry as it's making me.

So, stop it, you say. Just stop.

And yes, that is part of the solution. We do need to fight to get better legislation and censoring around this material, particularly so that it's not out in the public where anyone can see it. 

But that's also quite difficult, in two respects. 

Firstly, it's very good business. And there's a lot of wealthy people that are very happy with it being the way it is. It's going to be very tricky to work around or against them. 

And secondly - it's addictive. As much as substance addiction is hard to shake, so is this. 

Particularly for a couple of reasons. 

Firstly, because it's so easy. You don't need to be a genius to find this stuff. Even if there are filters, or it's a shared computer, that isn't hard to work around. Admittedly, coming from a bit of a computer geek - but you really only need to want to do it, and you'll figure something out quite easily. I have, many times over, in many different circumstances. I never got found out, for over seven years. Came close once or twice, but never there. 

And secondly, because even if you take it all away - if you lock me in a room with no phone, no magazines, no Internet, nothing. I still have my mind. I still have my imagination. 

And that, honestly, is the hardest part. Because there are times when I haven't looked at porn for a month or more. But my imagination - it doesn't let up. Just in case you're not aware, my imagination is pretty good.

You're not just fighting the world around you. You're fighting your own mind.

And it's hard. Because part of you really doesn't want to give it up. It enjoys it, funnily enough. It's addicted, and it keeps pulling you back. 

You're drowning in it.

I don't know if you've ever experienced nearly drowning. I hope you don't. I got closer than I'd like to once, and it's one of the scariest things that have ever happened to me. Thankfully, it didn't end badly, and it was just in my backyard pool. 

But when you're drowning - your whole body is screaming. It's being deprived of oxygen, which isn't just essential for you - every single cell in your body needs it! You fight as hard as you can, but you get absolutely nowhere. You just keep sinking. Unless you have help. 

And it's the same for this - it's the same for most addictions. If you try and get out of it by yourself, you'll fight and fight and fight - and maybe even get close - but you can't make it. You need help. I need help. 

And that's why I'm doing this post. I'm struggling with this, just as I'm sure many people reading this are struggling. We all need help, and I think we can help each other. 

Every day; every week; every month - however often you choose, I'll check up on you to see how you're doing. And, if it's OK with you, I'll get you to check up on me too. Maybe not at the same time, or it could get a bit much all at once. But we both get to share what we're struggling with, and help and grow with someone else who is struggling too. You can stay anonymous if you want, and I won't be telling anyone anything you tell me without your specific and express consent. You don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to; I know that I won't be talking about specific details of what I've seen, heard, or thought. I don't have that expectation on you either. 

I am aware that what I have said in this post about my own porn addiction will be startling to quite a few people. It may lose me a few friends, endanger my future job prospects, tarnish my public image. (What public image? :P ) But I think that this is important. I think that secrets are poisonous, and addictions can be deadly. This is one that I want to get out of, and want other people to get out of as well. By and large, a lot that you know about me is still true. I'm just struggling with much more than you'd realise. 

This dual post (mainly the second; the first was a necessary lead-up, so that I could actually get into the mind frame to write about it) was largely inspired by this article, which expands upon and clarifies a couple of the points I made earlier (warning; not for kids, and quite possibly NSFW). Definitely worth a read.


UPDATE: Writing this now from the present day, three years and three weeks (almost exactly) after I originally wrote this. When I wrote this, I had talked about it to a grand total of eight or nine people. A few months on, I doubled that almost instantly; and these days, it's something that I talk about relatively openly (though still choosing my audience). It's been rather a long journey (which I wrote a poem about, by the way!), and not an easy one. And it's one that's still going, big time. I've been struggling over these last few months more than I have since....well, probably since I wrote this! But I'm still doing a lot better than I was before I started opening up to people. And knowing that I'm living without secrets - is pretty darn awesome, let me tell you. :) So why am I sharing this now? Because it's still a major issue. It's getting a bit more press and traction these days, but much too little for what we need to make a decent dent in this. It's a big issue. Let's start getting to work on it.

Drowning In It Part 1: Secrets.

I'm not sure when I'll be putting this up. I know I need to. But it's not something you can un-say - once this horn is blown, you can't un-blow it. It's written in big lights for everyone to see. But, I think it needs to be said, to be heard. For a few reasons.

Not entirely sure where to start with this, or what good will come of it. But here goes.

People have secrets. That's a given. You expect it. Even if you know someone really well, chances are they have secrets that they haven't told you yet. They might never tell you. That's up to them.

And some of these secrets are little things. Things like stuff that happened awhile ago that they'd rather forget; habits they have that aren't particularly nice; their half-brother who no-one knows about who lives in the basement, and eats only green tomatoes....you get it. And generally, these little things don't matter that much, and don't affect them or you that much. They might act a bit weird when you ask why they have their basement locked up, which might seem a bit shifty to you, and you might get annoyed that they're keeping things from you - but that's generally about it. And that can be annoying sometimes, particularly if it's frequent, but most of the time isn't a biggie.

Some secrets, though, are a lot bigger. You spend time and energy making sure that no-one finds out about them. At all. Ever. You get ridiculously paranoid about people finding out about it. But paranoia tends to show, so you act. And you act so much, you almost start to get a bit of a split personality.

Depending upon who you are, that split could be quite large, or nearly imperceptible. Like a bit of a Venn diagram, if you like.

Secrets like these don't just affect you; they can affect those around you as well. Sometimes, quite significantly. 

Because, the thing is. Even if you try to keep that bit of you separate to everything else - you can't. It leaks through into everything, permeating your personality, thoughts, actions and feelings. 

And if it's a positive secret - like loving someone - then yes, the effect won't be so bad. But you'll still get all of the guilt and weight from keeping that from everyone, the effort that takes. 

All too often, however, these secrets aren't positive. Some people call them skeletons in the closet. Personally, I don't think that's an adequate metaphor. I see it more like water. Muddy, dirty, stinky water. First you're dripping. Then you're soaking. Then you're swimming. And, before you know it, you're drowning in it. 

At this point, you're probably thinking a couple of different things. Because pretty much everyone has one of these secrets. So, number one, you're thinking that you feel fine. 

If that's you, then there's one of two options; either you haven't gotten in that deep yet, or you're too scared to really look at yourself, and what you're becoming.

If it's the first, fantastic! Run. Run while you still can. Secrets are poisonous. If it's the second - you should be scared. But if you don't look, if you don't do anything, you're going to be even more scared. It will only get harder. 

The second thing you might be thinking is this; who am I to know this sort of thing, talk about this sort of thing?

For those of you who do know me, I come across as a pretty innocent kind of guy. Look like a kid, like I haven't grown up yet. Laugh a lot, super smart, kinda weird sometimes. Couple of not that great physical habits that are a bit disgusting, and not particularly chatty/social. Nice family, Christian background, et cetera. But that's all, right?

No, it's not. Because I've kept a secret. For much too long. Two, actually, but if you look hard enough you can find the other one, if not the specifics. 

It's time for this one to come into the light. 

I'm a porn addict.

And now, please continue over to Part 2. Because this was too much for one post. 

Bush Skills/Life Skills.

I've been doing this camping/bushwalking/Duke of Ed thing for about eight months or so now. I've seen a lot of groups, a lot of different ages, personalities, people. I've been to a lot of different places, and both learned and taught a fair bit.

This last group I had taught me something, in a sense; or, made me realise what I think I already knew, rather. I just didn't know how to word it before.

When we take the guys out on camp, or Duke of Edinburgh, it's not just about teaching them stuff like how to set up a tent, how to use a trangia, or how to paddle a canoe. It's not even about making them super-duper bushwalkers/campers/canoers, though if that does happen that's pretty cool.

What we teach them goes a lot deeper than that. It's values; mindsets; attitudes; a way to think. Things like perseverance through adversity and self-doubt; keeping a positive attitude; putting others, and the group, above yourself; appreciating the journey as much, if not more, than the destination; prioritising what's important in life, and at the time; and even taking care of the environment.

Each of these things are more than just bush skills; they are life skills. And I'm so thankful that I've had the opportunity to see that potential there, for both teaching and learning.

White.

You can be white as a sheet; be a white collar worker; tell a white lie; or fly the white flag.

White is the colour of purity. Of emptiness; of a blank sheet. It is simplicity; and also cleanliness, often due to hospitals. It can also be related to health, life and death for that same reason. It is also bright, and light.

Common associations with white are good, pure, dove, peace, truce, flag, empty, nothing, blank, clean, fresh, snow, ice, cold, sheet, hospital, light, bright, health, life, death, fear, and sickness.

White, to me, doesn't have much to say for itself, funnily enough. You can't have variants of white. It's either white, or not. It doesn't seem to have much character; and it's trying a bit hard to be clean, and fresh, and all this sort of thing.

The song for today is White Wine in the Sun, by Tim Minchin.

100K.

Well, I just came back from camp, had a look at my blog, and saw that I've gone over 100,000 views.

:D

That's pretty awesome.

Now, granted; about 86,000 or so of those are because of the top two most viewed posts - my original Four Chords song list, and my Song Saturday for The Unspoken Name. And that's awesome that people are liking that stuff, that's great.

But I also know I've got a lot of other posts up on my blog - 388 other posts, in fact - and between them, that's about 14,000 views. Which averages out to about 36 views per post. But then, I know that I've got a fair few posts that are lucky to scrape ten views.

And I think I've got some stuff that I've written that is worth a look. I'm only 20, but I don't feel like twenty. My body is, but my mind flops around between eight and eighty.

But anyway. Awesome to have that many views :) Would be even more awesome if they could spread to some of my other posts :D

Will write again soon!

The Extra Face.

I still haven't finished my Colours series. Just white left, and I'm hoping to do that either tonight or tomorrow. Out on program on the weekend. But this came up, and I wanted to do a post about it.

I went to an art exhibition today (to see the work of a good friend of mine, and largely thanks to another good friend of mine). I'm not much of an artist myself, though I love to try, and would love to be one. It's quite incredible what people can do with things like paint, paper, canvas, clay, wood, metal, glass, plastic, ink - it's pretty amazing, really.

But something I realised, as I was looking at the artwork, was the extra face in each piece. In each work, you could see a face - the face of the person who made it.
Not literally, of course (for the most part, anyway). But by looking at the pieces, you could see glimpses of who they were; their personalities, their hopes, their passions, their dreams.

And I think I've certainly been aware of that before, to some degree, in other creative forms; I'm a musician and writer myself, and am acutely aware of how much of myself I put into both the words I write and the sounds I make.

But I suppose I've never ventured much into the visual arts myself, and it was an interesting and eye-opening experience for me. Perhaps it's something I'll be able to look into a bit closer at some point.

Snow Days.

Last week, I went on my last trip for the year with Tafe. It was a bushwalking/navigation assessment, out in the Kanangra-Boyd National Park (near Kanangra Walls).

It was a bit of a slog for all of us, in some ways. We had two and a half days of practice before we got to do the assessment; pretty much all of us just wanted to get it over and done with. It was freezing cold, we had some pretty thick scrub, and two injuries that meant we had to backtrack a bit. And I was certainly feeling a bit of that as well at some points. I know there was one point in the navigation assessment that I was completely lost, had no idea where we were, and was pretty much almost in tears.

But. It snowed! On the first afternoon, it started snowing quite lightly. By the time we got into camp, we had some absolutely beautiful scenery. And then we got up in the morning - it just looked so amazing. I've been to the snow before, but the snow has never come to me!
One of the guys had never actually been in snow before, so he was absolutely loving that.

Of course, that did make it frightfully cold, particularly at night, but it was nice for a while. And it's certainly not something I'll forget in a hurry.
I also ended up doing fine for my written and navigation assessment, which was good.

And the thing is, it was my last trip with that bunch. We don't have any more trips left this year with Tafe, and next year is looking....different. Not quite sure how yet, but yeah. Will probably do another post on that when things are a bit more worked out.
But we've been through a fair bit together, as was mentioned a couple of times on the trip. We've had sun, rain, wind, hail, thunder, lightning, and then we had snow. But more than that, we'd been through all these experiences together; helped each other grow, and become better at what we were trying to do. We grew together as a group. We made each other laugh, and had some fun times together.

I've certainly got some great memories with those guys, and it is a bit sad that that's coming to a close. But hopefully this won't be the last I see of all of them, and I know that they're pretty happy doing what they're doing. Which is good :)

In other news, there are only four months left in the year. And most of it, for me, is looking very orange. Orange is camps and trips. I've got one almost every week from now until the end of the year. It's going to get pretty full-on.
Hopefully, that'll also mean that it passes by fairly quickly. Cause I'm getting pretty tired, and it's starting to get to me. But yeah. Got a few that I'm looking forward to, though. :)

In other other news, I've just released a new digital album! You can check it out here: http://brendanjamesraymond.bandcamp.com/

Yellow.

You can have yellow fever; be yellow-bellied; read the yellow pages; and....that's about it.

Yellow is the sun; the sand, and often the heat - a yellow filter can often give the impression of a very hot day. It can also be light, and warmth; the colour of sunflowers and daffodils.

Common connotations with yellow are sun, light, bright, warmth, heat, sand, daffodil, cancer, fear/being scared, sickness, hope, electricity, lightning, lemon. A more pale yellow can often be seen as sickly, or off-putting.

Yellow seems to have a lot less going on than the other colours I've done. For me, yellow is the sunrise; a new day, and a new hope. It's a sunflower, and bright and cheerful. It's warm, but not too harsh or loud.

The song for this colour is "Yellow," by Coldplay.

My funeral.

I don't get funerals. Well, I do get them, but I don't.
From the world's perspective, they're often a chance for people to be sad that the person isn't around any more, with a touch on it being a celebration of their life occasionally.
From the Christian perspective, it's supposed to be a celebration of the fact that they're with God now; a happy and joyous occasion. There will, inevitably, be some sadness; but the joy should be prevalent.

And yet, it doesn't seem to be so much what you see. You still get a lot of black and suits at weddings.
Well, my funeral will be different.

You won't be allowed to wear black. At all. Except for maybe shoes. No hiding-away-the-tears-sunglasses.
It will be outside, if it's not blowing a gale or bucketing down. Buildings are just extra walls to try and enclose the feelings that people have; let them burst out!
Sunflowers, not roses, or white flowers, and definitely not plastic ones.
Certainly no sad, slow songs. Reflective and contemplative is the closest to that you'll hear.
There will be lots of food, laughter, and people. A party, essentially!
And I'll have to think of something silly to get them all laughing at some point. I remember Adam Hills mentioning that at one of his friends' funerals, they all wore bunny ears. Something like that.
Not too many speeches. Leaves time for more eating, drinking and laughing. Any speeches should be about non-sad stuff.
Words such as "mourning," "grieving," and related phrases shouldn't be used. Neither should people be telling each other that they'll "get through this,".

Instead, be happy! Laugh! Tell a joke or two! Maybe I'll have a comedian at my funeral, that'd be good.
But it should be joyful, not sorrowful.

I do get why it is different, for many people. Maybe many will see this as insensitive or rude, and perhaps after I lose someone a bit closer to me I'll feel the same way. But I hope, that even if there is that sadness, that joy will still be there; hope, faith and love will never fail.

Green.

You can be green to go; feeling a bit green around the gills; have a few greenbacks; have a green thumb; be green with envy; eating your greens; or get the green tick.

Green is the colour of life. It is the colour of most plants, and part of the sea, as well as being associated with the earth in general. It is also the colour of go, or good. It can also be associated with both health and sickness.

Common associations with green are nature, life, plants, trees, grass, sea, seaweed, algae, moss, thumb, inexperienced, new, good, go, right, envy, healthy, sick, botany, lime, vegetables, growth, money (mainly US) or profit. A lighter green can seem more sickly than a darker, richer green.

Green is my favourite colour; particularly a deep green. As I said before, it's the colour of life; it brings to mind many adventures out in nature, and some good friends and good songs. For me, it's also particularly new life; and, as such, hope.

The song for today is Green, by Brendan James. (Not me; he's my American "cousin" I found out about a little while ago. His website is here: http://www.brendanjames.com/ )

Blue.

You can be feeling blue; be singing the blues; maybe you're a blue sky thinker; been talking until you're blue in the face; be a blue collar worker; have blue blood; be blue from the cold; be wearing something borrowed, something blue; or you're true blue.

Blue is the sky, and the sea. It can also represent hope - probably from a blue sky as well. Interestingly, it has also come to represent depression and sadness. It is sometimes also seen as a spiritual colour. It is often also associated with cold, and ice or snow.

Common connotations with blue are sky, sea, berry, music, jazz, ice, cold, snow, sad, depressed, ink, common/regular, boy, jeans, water, spirit, peace, harmony, serenity, calm, stillness, bird, bell, and sometimes night (ala Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night, found below).

Lighter shades will often bring to mind generally lighter connotations, and darker shades the opposite, as was mentioned before.

Blue used to be my favourite colour. It brings to mind dreams of flying (daydreams; I don't seem to get night dreams of flying) through the blue skies, and days at the beach looking out at the blue ocean. It's also possibly the colour my eyes are. I can never quite tell. They're either blue, or the next colour. I'd prefer the next colour. It also brings to mind peace, calm, and tranquility; it sort of hangs around for a while, unlike a hotter colour that just flashes at you.

The song for today is Electric Blue, by Icehouse.

P.S. Sorry this has taken so long to get up. Been busy/distracted. Rest coming up shortly, fingers crossed.

Triangles and Squares.

Deviating momentarily from my Colours series for a bit of a maths/nerdy post here.

A while ago, I was wondering about how to calculate how many squares of any size were in a square grid. Take, for example, this one:



That's obviously a 4 by 4 square grid. So you would need to find all the 1x1 squares (which is obviously 16), but also all the 2x2, 3x3, up to 4x4 (just 1).
I actually figured this out when I was sitting on the toilet, as you do. Because of the bathroom tiles. (We have square white tiles in the bathroom.) I figured out that I could do it by working from the outside in - first counting all the spaces, then the grid points, and repeating that until I got into the middle - each time I had done it, disregarding the outer ring.
So, for the grid above, there are 16 spaces; then 9 intersecting grid points; then 4 spaces, removing the outside ring; then 1 grid point, again removing the next ring.
I quickly realised that this pattern (16 + 9 + 4 + 1 = 30) was a sum of squares, up to the length/width of the square itself.
I knew that that could be expressed as x^2 + (x-1)^2 + (x-2)^2 + ........ + 2^2 + 1^2. But it was tricky trying to get it down any further. Thankfully, after a bit of hunting around, I was able to find this formula: (x(x+1)(2x+1))/6, which works perfectly. And, it means you don't even need to see the grid - you just need to know that it's a perfect square, and what the length of it is in the unit squares.

Then, however, I wanted to move on to triangle "grids", as such. Which proved to be a lot harder. Take, for instance, this one:

I was able to add up the numbers in a similar way as I did the squares - except, it had three different things to count; top-pointing, bottom-pointing and then the intersecting points (so this one, for example, would be 16 + 6 + 3 + 1 = 26) - but the numbers weren't in a similar series to before. The square seemed to always be there at the beginning (the triangle above has a side length of four, for example; you only count the top-pointing triangles), but then it was a different series that I didn't quite recognise. It was, however, consistent. So I looked at it a bit closer. This is the series: 0, 1, 3, 6, 10, 15, 21.... I shortly realised that the difference was simply increasing by one each time. However, what each next triangle had wasn't just the next number in the series - it was all the previous ones as well. So the fourth triangle wasn't just the fourth square (16) plus the fourth in this series (6), but the first four in it (0, 1, 3, 6). Which was a bit harder to try and figure out a way to write down. So I tried adding them together, to see if that created a new series. I got: 0, 1, 4, 10, 20, 35, 56.... Which was better. So now, I could express the sum of the triangles as: x^2 + x(N), N being that series. But I wanted to do better than that. So I looked the series up, and found that they were tetrahedral numbers. And could be generated with the formula: (n(n+1)(n+2))/6, which is quite similar to the previous one I had for the sum of squares. However, this generator started the series at 1. I needed to start at 0. Which meant that n = x - 1, which I substituted in to the equation:
= ((x-1)((x-1)+1)((x-1)+2))/6
= ((x-1)(x)(x+1))/6
= ((x^2-x)(x+1))/6
= (x^3 + x^2 - x^2 - x)/6
= (x^3 - x)/6
...Which actually works. And is a surprisingly simple solution.

So, the equation for the calculation of all the squares of any size in a square grid with the number of unit squares along the side being given as x is equal to:
(x(x + 1)(2x + 1)) / 6

And the equation for the calculation of all the triangles of any size in a triangle "grid" (if you have a better word, let me know) with the number of unit triangles along the side being given as x is equal to:
x^2 + ((x^3 - x)/6)

I'm also planning to figure out how to do this equation with sections of the square or triangle missing - so they are rectangles or trapeziums. And you are given the ratio of one side to the other. Seems like there should be a way to do that.

Red.

You can be red in the face; caught red-handed; red hot; read the red letters; get a red alert; but hopefully, you're not in the red.

Red is stop. That's become a deeply ingrained association with the colour, and relates in to a lot of the other meanings; particularly those of danger, or warning. The other two main associations with red are blood, and fire; the latter from which also stems the ideas of passion and emotion.

Common connotations with red are danger, alert, warning, stop, fire, heat, spice, passion, emotion, love, lust, shame, blood, death, sin, and often rose, or apple. The specific connotations may also depend upon the shade or tone; darker shades may be more reminiscent of blood and death, while lighter ones may be leaning towards passion and emotion.

To me, red more represents danger than passion. A warning; or something hot, like a fire. Flowers and food also come to mind - my mum is quite an avid rose grower; and red is quite common in tomato, capsicum, chilli, and some spices as well. Personally, it's not really a colour that I like that much, but that's also because I prefer cool colours. It is a lot better than a grey or black, though.

The song for today is Red Hot, by Jimmy Barnes. Bit of an oldie, but pretty good.

Black.

You can be back in black; get a black eye; be black as night; get a black licence; buy something off the black market; have a black mark against your name; be cursed with the black spot; and nowadays, we want to paint it black.

Black can be thought of in a couple of different ways; as the presence of all colour, or the absence of all light. The former brings to mind thoughts of being very busy, cluttered, and noisy. The latter is dark, shady and suspect. The latter seems to be more where most of the thoughts of black reside. Though, interestingly, it seems that a good few opinions on black are drawn from people's opinions of night - and because the two seem to be so synonymous, the one becomes the other.

Generally, the connotations with black are words like deep, dark, bad, evil, night, sin, despair, pain, suffering, torture, and sometimes violence. It also relates in to extreme difficulty or challenge (like a black diamond ski run). More recently, it has also been related in to cool, quiet, smooth, calm, and other similar words - these, I believe, have been derived more from people's perceptions of night than black in itself. Though "quiet" could be in relation to ninjas. Some also relate it to power, or strength.

For me, black does bring to mind the worst of times. The darkest of places. The hardest of obstacles and paths to tread. But, in the same way, it reminds me that if this is the worst, things can only get better; otherwise they wouldn't be the worst. If you're in the blackest night, even the smallest light can seem like the brightest star.

For each colour, I'm also going to have a song to go with it - taking a bit of a leaf from ol' Mozart's book. Today, it's "All Black" by Good Charlotte.

True Colours.

There is meaning in everything. And because of that, I think it can be helpful sometimes to go back to simpler things, and look at the meaning in them; because they still have so much meaning, and such deep meaning, but it can be a bit less convoluted and complex. Ish. Sometimes.

Colours are a great example. We see them everywhere. We have so many names for them, that have become so long and obscure - like magenta, azuline and caesious. They pop up quite often in various puns, metaphors and similes. We can choose so much based on colour - clothes, food, furniture, cars, a house - for some, even people. (Though that's typically a little different. Unless it's hair colour.) So I thought it might be an idea to have a look at a few of these colours.

But which ones to choose? Well, black and white are the two extremes - probably good to put in. Then the primary colours; but which ones? RGB (red, green, blue), as according to light and TV/PC systems? Or red, yellow and blue, like we get taught at school, because that's what works with paints and crayons? Well, let's put in all four. So I'll be doing white, yellow, green, blue, red, and black. Maybe that order, maybe reverse. We'll see.

So I'm going to do one post on each of those colours. But then, there are a lot of other colours that do have meaning - old and grey; royal gold and purple; fruity orange; girly pink; sea turquoise. But I suppose for me, most other colours have meaning that is more shallow when compared to the ones that I'll be focussing on. For some people, certainly, that won't be the case - but in a more general sense, that seems to be how it is; so I am restricting myself to these six.

Stay tuned for the colourful posts to come.

Aiyæthron.

These are my notes and translations thus far for this language that I'm making, which I've called Aiyæthron. Pronunciation of vowels can be found just below. Hopefully, should be reasonably self-explanatory. That one, however, is pronounced Are-ear-yair-throrn. (Short r sound at the end; don't emphasise. Emplicit in vowel sounds in this language, but not emphasised unless written.)

* Italics are currently ponderings as to possible solutions to difficulties encountered.

** [Comments in square brackets are added in to aid in reader understanding of my logic.]

Open/vowel sounds

A - ar - "are"

E - er - "err"

I - ir - "ear"

O - or - "oar/ore"

U - ur - no Eng. equiv. (N.E.E.) [oor]

Æ - ær - "air/e'er" [I do realise this is not the typical pronunciation of this letter]

Apostrophe ( ' ) cuts short; write h afterwards for a h sound instead of an r sound? [ah, eh, ih, etc.]

Closed/consonant sounds

Combiners - L R W Y S Z

DR => JR [compare dive/jive to drive/jrive)

TR => CHR [compare tane/chain to train/chrain]

K/Q => C/CW [All K sounds replaceable by C, as well as hard Q sound {e.g. Qatar, Iraq}; QU sound replaceable by CW - almost is for Qwerty]

X => Z/CS/GZ [Initial X {e.g. Xavier, Xanadu} replaceable by Z, intermediate/ending X replaceable mostly by CS {e.g. Hex, Explain} and in some cases by GZ {i.e. Example}]

BL BR BS BW BY BZ

CL CR CS CW CY CZ

CHL CHR CHW CHY

DS DW DY DZ

FL FR FS FW FY FZ

GL GR GS GW GY GZ

JR JW

MS MW MY MZ

NS NW NY NZ

PL PR PS PW PY PZ

RS RW RY RZ

TL TS TW TY TZ

THL THR THS THW THY THZ

SB SC SCH SD SF SG SL SM SN SP SR ST STH SV SW SY

SHL SHR SHW SHY

VR VS VW VY VZ

WY

ZW ZY

ZHL ZHR ZHW ZHY

Alphabet

Æ A B C CH D E F G H I J L M N O P R S SH T TH U V W Y Z ZH

Words

ai - life/wind

yæ - love

thron -> thro-on

                l      l

     (sounds) + (perspective) = words

Aiyæthron - words of life and love

urmdwur -> urm-dwur

                     l      l

       (plant life) + (guardian) -> guardian of plant life -> earth

oayio -> encircler of life -> air

oyo - circle

leæl -> le-æl

            l    l

 (animal) + (provider) -> provider for animals -> water

zhrng -> zhr-rng

               l     l

   (destroy) + (heat) -> heat that destroys -> fire

Comments welcome.

On Creating A Language.

I watched this video the other day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq-FOOQ1TpE
And one of the things he was saying in it towards the end was, for a day, to not learn anything. Just stop learning - and start thinking. Go away and think about what you really enjoy and our passionate about, through your own unique perspective, and create something new.

And that inspired me to make a language.

It's actually something I've had in my mind to do for a few times before, but I've never gotten around to it. But now I've started. And it's....pretty tricky, particularly because I get so finicky about it.

Because you could just put English through a cipher or something, and say that you've come up with a new language. But it's not really a new language. I wanted something where each word had real meaning in the way that it was constructed; that made sense and sounded right to me.

So, first I had to decide what sort of language I was going to make. Because there are different types, you see; for the different senses, really. You can have a written language; a spoken or auditory language; a signed language; or you could even create a language based around smell, taste or touch, though that would be more difficult. (I'd still call Braille a written language myself, even though it is perceived through touch.)

I decided that I wanted a language that was primarily auditory - I'll probably write it down at some point and create an alphabet for it, but I wanted the words to really be formed based on their sound.

I also wanted to make a language that was based around small building blocks, as it were; not so much an alphabet as a library of sounds that could be combined. So first I had to make the library. That's harder than it sounds.

I worked out all the open (vowel) sounds - and then the closed (consonant) sounds. In doing that, I also sorted out a few letters I wouldn't be using, a few I added in, and a couple of letter combinations that wouldn't occur either.

I'd had a name for the language already in mind, almost from when I had the idea to create it. But then I had to actually break down the word into its parts, and figure out what each meant, and how it fat in. (Because fat should be the past tense of fit. It just works.)

Then I wanted to figure out the words for earth, air, fire and water. Thought it might be a good way to start. But the way I decided I wanted the language to work, is that a word, in a sense, describes something - the definition is implicit in the word. My word for fire, for example, was made up of two smaller parts that meant "destroy" and "heat". Put together, it meant "the heat that destroys": fire. Still need to work out the "the"s, "that"s, "and"s, "is"s and so on, but you get the idea. The point of that is also so that if something sees something that they've never seen before - and as such, don't have a word for - they can create a word for it straightaway by using these shorter describing bits.

That, of course, makes interpretation quite difficult. Because while I may call fire "the heat that destroys", someone else may well call it "illuminator" or "man's greatest invention". As such, there are feasibly millions of different words for the one thing.
As such, I'll probably come up with a few standardised words as well, to aid in communication.
But essentially, it means that rather than writing a whole new dictionary, I'm just making those short describers that people then put together to form their own words, their own language, as such. I guess that's the idea.

It's going to take me a long time - and may well never be finished - but I'm quite enjoying the challenge.

I'll put up another post shortly with all the notes I've got on the language insofar.

Always care. Never worry.

This is something that I put up on Facebook just the other day (the post title, that is).
And to me, it's something I've seen as quite obvious for a fair while. It irked me a little that people didn't seem to know the difference between the two words - they would say "I don't care," when they mean "I don't worry." There are times when people mean the former, of course. But there's a substantial difference between the two. The former is uncaring, negative and apathetic. The latter is unfettered, positive and freeing.

But someone commented on it, saying that it was my motto.

I've had a few mottos here and there. When the guy from Australia's Got Talent asked me what it was, I said that it was "keep laughing." Which is a great thing to remember; it gets you through the hard times in life. Another one I have on the wall of my room is "Listen. Remember. Love." Things that I was finding difficult, and I wanted to work on. The one I have on my blog is one for all of my creative-type stuff - "Inspire other people, Create something new, and Express what's inside." I've got a post explaining that here: http://modnarama.blogspot.com.au/2011/03/inspiration-creation-expression.html
And I think there's more that I can't remember.

But this isn't one that really crossed my mind. But it works.

It isn't necessarily what I'm really good at. But I do try.
There are days when I find it difficult to care about things, and worries just keep on shouting at me and demanding my attention. These days, that's becoming more frequent.
But I always know that this is true, and good.

Always care.
Never worry.

:)

Er....win-win?

There's a bit of a philosophy that says that we should fight for a win-win. Not a compromise; win-win. We tend to lean towards win-lose or lose-win, depending on how assertive or not we are. It's the belief in a third alternative; making it work for everybody.

And I like to believe that, as long as you don't constrain your parameters too much, this can be true in any given instance.

The trick is, though, that we're not always going to be able to find it. Or someone else that's in the equation doesn't believe in win-win; they can only see it from their way. It has to go one way or the other.

And when that happens, it becomes very difficult. And before you know it, instead of looking for how everybody can win, you're looking for how everyone can lose the least.

And it's hard to stay positive in those sorts of situations. But hopefully, next time it will be better. Next time, we know what not to do, or what to do, to give ourselves a better chance at finding that win-win.

Of course, you can't really find a win-win if you don't know what the other person wants. You can think you've found a great solution, but what you've come up with the other person may not really like at all.

It's a bit of a tricky dynamic to get the feel of. I certainly don't have it quite yet. Suppose it will come with experience, to a large degree.

Another Lonely Night.

The chair creaks as it turns. It is old and tired; each inch of movement brings forth a squeak of protest.
The headphones magnify the sound of my blood pumping, and that of static silence.
The keys depress; like my mind tends to of late. They clump and tap out a rhythm that I command, but the language forms and molds.
My breathing is slow, deliberate. Not quite relaxed; these days, that is rare indeed.

It is not the busyness that bothers me. I crave busyness; I need it, I need distraction, I need diversion.
It is not being able to be busy with some of the things that I love to do;
And that in those times when I am not busy, I am alone.
And undistracted.
Undiverted.
And my thoughts simply wander to that same place.

That place will be hard enough to go once in my life.
I have lived it a hundred times over, and yet not even the once.
And so I long for proper busyness, diversion, distraction.

Though I know that will never solve the problem, but simply delay it.
I know that well. I know all the arguments. It's what I do.
Among many things.
But this is one problem that I cannot see how it can be solved. By me, at least.

Thankfully, it's not up to me to solve it.
But he doesn't always say yes. And he doesn't always say it right now, or when we want him to.
But at least he has an answer. Because that's better than me right now.

A new Doctor?

The BBC/Doctor Who have just announced that Matt Smith (the current doctor, for those not privy) will be hanging up his bow tie at the end of the year.

Part of me is wondering if this is somewhat of a ploy, but I'm not sure...they do like to be secretive, but I don't know what would warrant this sort of lie. So I'm *guessing* that it's real.

Which, to me - and, as I've heard, many other fans - is a bit of a disappointment. The Doctor/Clara storyline seems to me still in need of a fair bit of exploring. I'm sure there'll be a bit of that in the special later in the year, but it does seem like a bit of a premature end to me. He still seems like the new guy. They e only done a short season of him with Clara, and the new opening titles that specifically feature him. Just seems to be a lot of length to go to if he's leaving so soon.

Suppose that's also why I wondered if it was actually the case or not. I very much hope that if it is the case, the new Doctor we're looking at won't be this in-between not-Doctor. He seems to be more of an antagonist than a protagonist. I think they could do a spin-off series on him, but not as the main character in Doctor Who. It's just the completely wrong vibe.

At least, that's my opinion. I suppose we'll have to wait a while to see what happens. Bring on November!

Possibility-proof.

As you may be aware, there are a lot of child protection legislations, policies and the like in place. Particularly in regards to student/teacher, student/staff or similar interactions. That even goes for places like youth group, as an aside.

And they're meant to be helpful - either to the students/kids, or to the teachers/leaders/staff. That is the idea. Either to stop the kids from being hurt, or stopping the staff from getting sued.

Personally? I think the first is great, but the second shouldn't exist.

If you're more worried about what's going to happen to yourself than the kids, then you're in the wrong line of work. Thing is, it's not really up to us to make that decision.

Which makes things really annoying/difficult/downright sad when you get to the end of an epic week with a great group of girls, and you're not even supposed to be allowed to give them a hug. If they run up and hug you, you're supposed to essentially put your hands up in the air.

It's shit.

Just saying.

Like vs Respect

There's an idea that came up at Tafe that I mulled over a bit the other day, and I thought I'd have a look at it here.

One of the other trainees mentioned that they have this saying at work; that it's better to be respected, than to be liked. It's much better to earn the kids' (as an aside, we need a better word for kids than kids, it sounds almost derogatory) respect than to try and be liked by them.

And, to that extent, I agree, certainly. I think that's a great thing to focus on.

However, I think some people seem to have a strange idea of "respect".

To me, respect is gained by what people are - people that are honest; have integrity; are passionate; courageous; joyful; characterful; and loving.

Respect is not gained by people being strict; commanding; controlling; angry; or forceful. There are people who have some of these characteristics who have my respect - but despite them, not because of them.

I'm not attempting to say that leaders attempting to be respected are all of the latter and none of the former. Far from it. But it is a bit of a different way of looking at it, to me.

Because there are leaders who will say, "This needs to happen." And literally stand there until it does. They will do things to tell the kids that they are the boss. But that doesn't get respect; certainly not from me, at any rate. That tells me that they're either stubborn, bigheaded, or trying to be.

That doesn't mean that there aren't instances where you need kids to listen, and to really focus on what you're saying and do what you're asking them to do. But there are ways to do that without raising a voice; without threatening anyone; without needing the bad cop.

Sure, it might seem like a slower, harder road at first. But any roads worth taking typically are.

A Fantastic Week.

I've got three posts happening, including this one. The other two are Like vs Respect, and a rant on child/staff interaction policy.

I've been a bit down lately.
OK, a lot down lately. And it's been stressing me out quite a bit.

But I was looking forward to this camp somewhat. I'd been told it was pretty good, and I knew there was caving. So I went into it at least a little positive, though still a bit down.

It exceeded expectations by many, many miles. Outstanding, even.

I had a fantastic group of girls that I helped lead, an amazing five days away on camp, a great place to be in, and some extraordinary other teachers and staff who were there with us.

The best camp, the best group. Yes, they're quite inter-related. The place and activities and food and all that was great too, but the people are what made it truly amazing.

From hanging out the back with the sore ankles and the asthmatics; to sprinting to the end of the rogaining activity to just make it in time; to getting my whole group through one of the caves; to finding out that my group won the rogaining; to a very bittersweet goodbye - they were absolutely amazing.

I'm going to remember those girls for quite a while, and I really hope that I'll see a few of them at next year's camp, or the leadership camp later in the year.

Silently screaming.

I got the name for this from a song that a friend recently wrote and put up on the YouTubes. Link here (when I'm not just on mobile :P ) And from what I'm feeling.

Lately, things feel like they've all been happening at once. And not in the good way. A few days ago, I figured out how to actually somewhat express what I felt. Because I'm not good at expressing the negative feelings; maybe because I don't understand them properly, maybe because I don't have the experience enough.
Anyway, this is what I came up with.
My soul is screaming.
Why? Because it's being tortured. It's been hurt before. It's cried before; been doing that for a while. But now, it's screaming. It's too much, all at the same time.

There isn't really an aspect of my life that isn't being somehow affected adversely right now. Family. Church. Youth group. Work. Music. Love. The little things. Each of them is broken, or degrading, or has had chunks torn out, just isn't there, or is sapping everything else. I'm not going to go into them individually. Partly because then I'd definitely never post this up. Partly because some of them aren't my stories to tell.

But right now, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to get through each day. That's my main prayer to God in the morning :P
I might look like I'm doing OK. But trust me, I'm good at acting. I don't even know when I am sometimes anymore. And I can actually read body language a bit now, so I act with that as well :P

Yeah. I need help. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't see any way out. Not of all of it. I just keep praying. If you could send the odd word up for me as well, I'd really appreciate it.

The different roles in a creative group.

Warning: long post ahead.

I've just finished reading Living With A Creative Mind. An amazing book, which you can check out here: http://livingwithacreativemind.com/ At some point, I'll look into it a bit more in-depth. For now, however, I just want to look into one thing that they looked at.

In their chapter called Collaboration, they mention that they have repeatedly observed different roles emerging within collaborative groups. These are detailed below, exactly as written. (Taken from "Collaborating", Living With A Creative Mind, Jeff Crabtree and Julie Crabtree [Zebra Collective, Manly; 2011].)

The Technician

A problem-solver. Always says no at first, then thinks about how it can be done and provides the method and the details. Takes pride in the achievement of the impossible. May be frustrating to work with - they cannot be hurried. They work at their own pace. (Schematic thought, insulated sense, zoom focus, order space and safety action.)

 The Blue Sky Thinker

 Thinks of things no one else thinks of. A lot of suggestions and ideas will be totally impractical, impossible and unrelated, but perhaps one in every five or six is brilliant. You just need to be patient and not come down too heavily on the awful ideas. (Confronting attitude, fluid thought, wide angle focus, chaos space and risk action.)

The Glue

This person is the one who feels the pain of others and tries to empower everyone in the group. A peacemaker, a negotiator and the one who reminds everybody that they are better off stuck together than falling apart. Keeps everyone on track and sometimes may contribute nothing more than this. May not even see themselves as creative - but they are essential to the creative process. (Deflated ego, conforming attitude, skinless sense, order space and safety action.)

The Devil's Advocate

Always asks the questions no one wants to hear. Identifies where the group is going wrong and is fearless enough to put it out there. May appear difficult to please. Doesn't necessarily have the answers - just the questions. (Inflated ego, confronting attitude, schematic thought, order space and safety action.)

The Terrorist

Throws in a bomb. Blows up everything and changes the game. Destructive to old mindsets and habits. In the aftermath we discover how creatively potent this kind of person can be. (Inflated ego, confronting attitude, wide angle focus, chaos space, risk action and intense emotion.)

The Child

Everything is a game. The whole thing is just like a little kid playing in the garden, full of fun and frivolity. May frustrate others in the group. Willing to try anything. Can easily revert to childlike states of distress. (Fluid thought, skinless sense, wide angle focus, chaos space and intense emotion.)

The Face

The visible personification of success - a spokesman, a persona, someone the public and the media can identify. May have no other role. (Inflated ego and risk action.)

The Visionary

Can see the big picture. Capable of getting a huge idea - but may have absolutely no idea of how to realise it. (Inflated ego, fluid thought, wide angle focus, manic energy and risk action.)

The Joker

This person is always the naughty one; the comedian or the troublemaker. Says the things the rest of the group think privately but are too afraid to say out loud. Constantly breaches social conventions. (Inflated ego, confronting attitude, fluid thought, wide angle focus, risk action and intense emotion.)

The Purist

Is always standing up for ideological or artistic integrity. When others are willing to try anything, this person will always resist ideas that take the group away from what have been the core values. (Inflated ego, conforming attitude, schematic thought, zoom focus, order space and safety action.)

The Interpreter

Is able to communicate effectively with colleagues outside the creative group and speak on behalf of it. Acts as an intermediary, particularly with business holders and financiers. (Deflated ego, conforming attitude, schematic thought, insulated sense, wide angle focus, safety action and calm emotion.)

If you're still here, good job! That was a fair bit to get through. The bits in italics are to do with their nine dimensions of a creative mind; ego, attitude, thought, sense, focus, emotion, energy, space and action. If you want to find out more about those, again, their book is amazing, even just for that. Link up top.

I think that the roles given above are a really good summary of what can be found within a creative framework; and often, within most group settings. Now, as they also mention shortly afterwards, people can be more than one of those roles quite easily. I've been most of those roles at some point or another. Generally speaking, I'm some combination of the Child, the Visionary, and the Purist. But then I have bits from the Technician, the Glue, the Devil's Advocate, the Interpreter, the Blue Sky Thinker and even the Joker now and then.

But yeah, thought this would be good to put up for other to people to think about what sort of roles they fit, and what roles other people fit; and maybe making working in a group that little bit easier, because you understand a bit better how that works.

Beautiful Cage.

It's nice in here.
The people are happy.
There are great views, and good times.
There's hard work, too, but that's everywhere.
If you want to get something done, it needs work.
You make people smile and laugh.
You test them and grow them.

But it's a cage.
A beautiful cage; but that doesn't change what it is.
And to others, it might not be a cage; but it is to me.
Because I can't do what I need to do.
What I need to be truly me.
And it's a cage because I can't see any way out.
Not that won't hurt me, or them, or both.

And it scares me.
Because I don't know what this cage will do to me.
I've never been here before.
And I'm scared.
Of this beautiful cage.

The Social Network.

Tonight, I watched The Social Network for the first time. Perhaps a bit sad given the hype around it and how long it's been out for, but that's the case. It was on TV. So I thought I'd watch it.

If you're not familiar with what the movie is about, it's about a guy called Mark Zuckerberg. Hang on, you're thinking. Isn't it supposed to be about Facebook? Perhaps. But it's not. It's about Zuckerberg. It's about him during the time that he made and grew and fought over Facebook, yes. But it's certainly about him. I'll expand a little on that; but first, I'll do a brief overview of the movie.

It starts with Mark getting dumped by his girlfriend. He then gets drunk and depressed, and, following a random comment from a roommate at uni about the photos of the people in the dorm, makes a site in the space of a few hours on which every female student at Harvard (his university) was paired with another randomly; the viewer would then decide which picture they liked better. The site got tens of thousands of hits in the first couple of hours it went live, and shut the Harvard internet down. Harvard subsequently removed the site, and he faced charges for violation of privacy.
Being impressed by his work, three other Harvard students came to him with an idea for a Harvard-exclusive social network, wanting him to make it; he said he'd do it. He then proceeded to formulate a social network under his own steam, with some help from Eduardo Saverin, a friend at Harvard. He eventually made the site live, calling it thefacebook.com. It grew rapidly, attracting the attention of the three students who had approached Mark originally. They were angry at Mark seemingly stealing their idea.
The site expanded to other universities nearby; Mark brought in a couple more roommates to help with the growing demand. It eventually hit Stanford and drew the attention of Sean Parker, the man behind Napster. Eduardo then attempted to set up several meetings with potential investors to attempt to get monetary input into the company; thus far, it was running off his. A meeting was also made with Sean Parker. The meetings with investors did not go well; Mark was disinterested, and projected a bad attitude to the investors. The meeting with Sean went better according to Mark; Eduardo was unimpressed. Sean did, however, suggest changing it to just "facebook". He also suggested that they move to California.
Facebook expands further, and garners a couple more interns; Mark wants to move to California. Eduardo is reluctant, but puts his money on the line. Eduardo stays in New York, trying to make more connections; Mark moves down with the rest of the team, and Sean moves in shortly after. Eduardo comes down for a visit; he is unimpressed by the influence Sean has had on Mark, and freezes his account. Sean connects Mark up with a large investor, who decides to put in half a million. Facebook goes international. Mark tells Eduardo about the investor; he agrees to come back to sign a contract. (Account is presumably unfrozen.) Contract is signed; Eduardo has 30%, Mark just over 50%, Sean 7%, various other employees the remainder.
Facebook is close to reaching a million. Eduardo gets called back for a "business meeting", and for the millionth user party. He instead gets more paperwork; his share has been reduced by 100 times - down to 0.3%. He is furious with Mark, and decides to sue him for everything. The three other students who originally approached Mark about the idea also sue on grounds of intellectual property theft. Sean is busted doing drugs at the party. Mark is unimpressed; perhaps "disillusioned" is a good word here as well.
He settles with both parties.
At the end of the movie, he is shown refreshing the page constantly of a friend request he has just made to the girl who dumped him at the start of the movie.

That wasn't particularly short, I know. Difficult to condense down without losing a lot. Hopefully, however, you get a bit of the storyline there. What you won't get so much, however, is who Mark Zuckerberg was.

Mark is portrayed in the movie (I obviously can't speak for how he is in real life) as an absolute genius. And a genius who couldn't be bothered wasting his time on people who were just slowing him down. The thing was; pretty much everyone did, according to him. He could be described as paranoid; naive; obsessive; indifferent; impulsive.
But the interesting thing, I think, is this; Mark never did anything, as such, to intentionally hurt people. He didn't care if he offended them; that was his fun, in a way, as is alluded to frequently. But every time he does something that hurts somebody, he doesn't realise that it will. He just didn't think about it. And he understands people, strangely enough - "I don't hate anybody. The "Winklevii" aren't suing me for intellectual property theft. They're suing me because for the first time in their lives, things didn't go exactly the way they were supposed to for them." I also just love that 'Winklevii' note. (Two of the three suing him were twins - the Winklevosses.)
But anyway. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, particularly given it's a Hollywood interpretation of a person. I just see a lot of parallels between him and me, I guess. We were raised quite differently, but apart from that - we're both very smart. Socially alienated. Somewhat naive to how the world works, and as such, can be considered impulsive. (Not me so much, but still.) Obsessive in regards to some things; these consume our attention, thus giving the appearance of indifference. And we're paranoid that what we obsess over, what we pour our skill and time into, won't work out.
But perhaps more crucially. At the end of the day, we crave a relationship. All through the movie, you see subtle signs of that - "But I don't want friends." "Can we just talk for a minute?" "Do you ever think about that girl?" *Click* *click* *click* *click*. Endlessly hoping, at the end of the day, for a miracle. Perhaps that's the real naivety; the real obsession; the true impulsiveness. I can't - and don't, by the way, in case you're wondering if he's paying me to write this or something - speak for Mark, but I get pretty blinkered when it comes to this sort of thing. Which can - which does - get annoying for me. Because other people waltz in, and they're fantastic. They're amazing. But they're not that person. And, yes. I am probably only writing this because I'm somewhat depressed, it's late at night/early in the morning, and I probably will have to end up answering awkward questions about this from people I don't kow that well, or don't want to talk about this with.

But what did I say? Impulsive. "Yes, it may be a long way down; but oh, what a glorious flight!" That one's not from this movie.

And yes; it was a good movie, if you were wondering.

Song Saturday #10: Atlas

I haven't been writing a lot of songs lately. To try and combat that, I've decided to write a new song each Saturday, and put the video for it up each Sunday. When I'm not away on camp. :P Which may be a few of them. But yeah, that's the idea.

I was away yesterday, so I'm doing song and video today. Lucky you guys :)

This first one is on, I suppose, how things have been seeming sometimes lately. Bit more of a downer, I guess. The name is from the figure in Greek mythology, who's punishment was to carry the sky on his shoulders. (Not the Earth, the sky. Common misconception.) Sorry to Helmut for using the same name as one of his, but it's a good name :P


Atlas

V1: Cm C#mMaj7(#4) [or C5/C#5]
He always thought he could carry everyone's burdens;
Now he's struggling with just his own.
And time and space are not on his side;
Slipping away, neither of them can ease this weight.
He finds no pleasure in the things he once did;
Not because he has changed his loves, but because they're gone.
Sometimes he wished that he had just gone and hid;
But hiding does not move the problem on.

Pre-Chorus: C5 C#5
He cannot see a way out;
At least, not without
Hurting himself all the more

Chorus: C5/F5 C5/Ab5 C5 C5/C#5
So he takes the pain as it comes;
The strain to the beat of the drum,
Back and forth he goes.
He knows that there is an end;
He just hopes that he can reach it,
But confidence isn't finding a home today.
He's just trying to get through another day.

V2: 
He set the challenge himself, so he can't really complain.
He's trying his best, but he's wondering
If for once, that won't stand the test again.
He's stretched himself so far, that he can't come back in;
It's seeming ever more impossible to win.

Pre-Chorus + Chorus 

Bridge: Fm C5/C#5
A burden shared is a burden halved, he knows
But he doesn't know if he wants anyone else
To go through what he has
To force his pain on them

Chorus x2

And here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m9UmrPrLUY
Enjoy! :)